Dilated eyes stared back at Iris the next morning. They were eyes that were far from cognizant --vacant windows that barely registered the girl's presence, much less her words. That was what Iris faced as she tried to tell Aunt Renna of her acceptance into the ranks of the Remorda Guardians. Both the general and the rogue watched as she only stared without thought at her niece.
"Did you hear me?" Iris asked. "I'm going away for a while."
Renna appeared to be in a sort of booze-induced daze. The scent of alcohol cloyed at the air under Iris's nose. Her aunt just gave her a sort of incoherent nod and went to fall onto her bed to sleep through the blur. Zayn put comforting hand on Iris's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, but it was unnecessary. Iris was used to this pitiable Renna already.
The rogue just turned away. There was no anger or disgust in her heart nor was there any pity. Let Renna escape if she needed escape; it was far from Iris's business. She'd made that loud and clear when the addiction had first started. They all had their vices, after all. Perhaps her aunt would stop dancing with hers for a moment or two before Iris took her leave.
Renna had a week. And Iris knew it was futile.
Zayn walked out the house with Iris, taking care to close the door behind her. He hardly understood her calm. He would never be able to handle this as well as she had been handling it. In fact, her coolness was almost alarming. Sure she'd cried and mourned when her father had died... but the situation with her aunt had rendered her oddly unfeeling. Even though Renna was far from blood to Zayn, even he wanted to shake some sense back into her.
"I'm not sure if she understood you," Zayn said.
Iris nodded. "I know she didn't. She's got six days to figure it out."
Everything was quiet for a long few minutes. Finally, "Have you given up on her, Iris?" The question weighted the air like a sack of bricks, and for a moment, Iris considered the meaning of Zayn's words and used it in her self-evaluation.
"She's a grown woman, Zayn," Iris finally answered, "And I am not her keeper. There are enemies you just can't fight in blood and steel... and there are wounds that can't be healed with salves and poultices. And there are battles in this world you have to fight yourself. Things like this take time and determination. And if Renna wants to come back... then damn it, she will. But I just can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I can only better myself."
A flash of irritation passed through the rogue. "I will never stop caring for my family, Zayn. I went to war to die for them." The anger fizzled out quickly and she mouthed an apology without thinking.
He smiled a little. "I know."
And without another word, he pulled her into a hug. Her small frame fit nicely against his, and he couldn't help but wonder how difficult it was going to be for him to be without her for so long. Zayn knew that it would feel like lifetimes. But Iris had made up her mind, and the general knew that there was no changing it back. At least she was leaving to do something honorable in all regards. He shut his eyes and captured this very moment in his memory.
He would need his memories in her absence.
She held him for a long while before letting go. And when she did, the both of them quietly took a walk outside, cherishing the presence of the other while knowing that they didn't have much longer left until they would separate for a long, long while.
----
The next few days went by quickly --too quickly. The time Zayn had left with Iris was slipping through his fingers like sand in an hourglass and he could do nothing to stem its flow. And soon enough --before he could even blink or breathe, it was their very last night together before she had to leave. And on this night, they both sat by the fireplace, staring into its flickering embers and absorbing its warmth.
"I'm not going away forever, Zayn." A small smile flickered across her mouth. "Just throw yourself into your work and try not to sulk about and it will go by faster than you can realize I'm gone." The general chuckled for a moment, but his eyes were humorless. She shook her head at him and took a sip of the hot tea in her hands.
"I just wish you had have liked your job as Rogue Captain," he said. "I wish you didn't feel like you had to leave. Especially to a place where I can't visit you." The whole situation left a bitter taste in his mouth.
She was silent. Moments passed and a few expressions flushed over his face: sadness, deep concentration, determination, sadness again... and then, anger? His eyebrows furrowed hard over his eyes, and the general's lips set themselves in a hard line against his chin. His hands clenched a bit, but he said nothing. Iris just watched as his mood visibly turned sour. She'd watched this sight a few times. He was never good at hiding what he was feeling.
His eyes met hers. "How can you just leave?"
Iris didn't expect his tone of voice --though in hindsight, she should have. She'd made a hard decision. "Zayn."
"I'm serious," he replied. "Damn it, this isn't just a little thing, Iris. You are leaving. Leaving. Going away for half a year to a place where I'm not allowed to enter and you're not allowed to leave. You applied to be a Remorda Guardian just how long ago? You planned to quit your job and break off our betrothal just how long ago? You could have told me, Iris. You gave me a week to prepare for this. That wasn't enough time. You know it wasn't enough time. Why would you do this? I love you with everything I have and you just drop your life and leave me behind."
Iris was hardly expecting this. Even still, she understood. "This has nothing to do with how I feel about you." Her words were soft, "This has to do solely with me. I thought you wanted me to grow --to accomplish things once thought impossible."
"I would have supported you, Iris," he said, his voice rising in volume with each word. "You know I would have. I always have. I believe in you more than I've ever believed in anyone. But I just needed more time. I needed your trust and confidence. Hell, I would have waited on asking for your hand until you got back if I'd known you were going to do this. It's not wise to spend most of the engagement away from each other."
"I didn't know then --when you asked me. If I'd known, I would have told you to wait," she said. "And you don't have to use that tone with me. In hindsight, I was in the wrong. I just... I just didn't want you to spend the time we had left wallowing in sadness. I wanted you to be happy, Zayn. I still want you to be happy." She paused. "And if you told me not to go --I wouldn't."
Zayn sighed, and quickly palmed over his face. He sighed and looked at her through his fingers. "I'm not going to ask you to do that, Iris."
"I know."
He removed his hand. "But I will ask this: are you sure that this is the life you want?"
She nodded. "I am."
"Then go," he said. "If I told you to give up on a dream to stay with me, you would grow to resent me. That's a knife sharper than I can handle, because I would lose you forever. But next time --if there is a next time for something this big-- you have to tell me, damn it. Things like this shouldn't be secrets. We will be married one day. We need to trust each other --even with bad news."
"I know."
Zayn got up and walked to where she was sitting. He took one of her small hands in his and met her eyes with an intensity that she'd only ever seen in the general. "Promise me, Iris."
She lightly smiled and rubbed a thumb over the callouses on his palm. "I swear."
He kissed the back of her hand. "Then make me proud, girl."
The rest of their night was better. In light of her leave-taking, they made the most of the late hours. They talked by the fire for a while, making preparations for their future. Zayn had promised to look after Renna as best as he could while she was away. They vowed that they would continue their betrothal the moment she got back. And after that? Iris found herself --like so many other nights-- coiled like a snake around Zayn's torso. His strong arms carried her back to the place he'd made love to her more times than they could even count.
The night was over far too soon. She'd fallen asleep on his chest, but he hadn't the heart to fall asleep as well. He spent the night watching her... listening to her breathe. Zayn also watched as the morning dawned, his heart heavy with what the next few hours would bring. He would never be ready to say goodbye to her.
The sun woke Iris, just as it always had. She stared up at Zayn --and neither of them said a thing. At that moment, there was nothing that either of them could say to ease the pain of what came next. He hovered around as she gathered all her necessities, savoring every last minute --every last second.
Breakfast was hard. The general couldn't cook well, but he'd done his best to make her favorite. Iris was appreciative as far as Zayn could tell. It was something that Renna used to make her before she'd drowned herself in depression and dark ale. Zayn wished she'd have cleaned herself up at least one day to say goodbye to her niece. He, like Iris, doubted she'd even understood the rogue when she had told her where she was going. The only time her aunt had come home was two nights ago. Renna had traipsed in in the middle of the night to collapse on the kitchen floor in a deep slumber.
And the next morning, she picked herself up to leave again. She hadn't even murmured so much as a word to either of them. Oh, how both the general's and Iris's hearts ached for her. The rogue knew that her aunt loved her very much, even with her new behavior. Renna would return one day. She was too strong to die a drunkard.
"I am going to miss you every day," Zayn told her as she got dressed to leave. "I will be counting the hours."
She smiled. "Gods, don't do that. You'll drive yourself mad."
He smiled and kissed her forehead.
She sheathed her daggers at her sides after she was dressed to go. Zayn felt a hard lump rise high in his throat at seeing that particular, tell-tale sight.
"Come with me to say goodbye to my parents," she said. Her voice was low. He nodded and followed her to where they were buried side-by-side. He knelt with her as she spoke to them. It was heart-wrenching how she spoke to the both of them like they were both here with her still. Zayn couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken with his mother and father like that. It wasn't a long conversation, and before the both of them knew it, Iris was placing some cherry blossoms she'd picked down on the ground where they lay.
Iris stood, dusting the dirt from her knees. Before she could say anything, the general pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Stay safe, my Iris," he whispered into her ear. "I love you."
"And I you. I will be back before you know it." She smiled into his shoulder, a few tears escaping her eyes.
"I know," he pulled her to arm's length. "Goodbye for now, my dear."
"Goodbye." She pulled a hand through his hair. Iris gave him a wistful smile, and then added, "For now."