"Still up for that nightcap?" Ed Tucker asks, hands in his coat pocket trying to keep warm through the cold weather.
Glad that he remembered their lost plans, Olivia sighs contently. "Yeah, I really could use a drink." It's been yet another hard and long case and she doesn't know if she's just tired or if all the cases lately have been harder than years past. Turning towards the nearest bar, she sees it's full of young drunks and noise and that's just not where her head is tonight...or any night. "Uhh you know what? Not here."
His hand falls from the small of her back and she's still getting used to his touch that's more gentle than she ever thought it could be.
"Wherever you want to go," he shrugs. "You tell me."
Walking towards the curb, she soon falls in step. "Ok."
He's being agreeable and easy and she's thankful because that's exactly what she needs right now. Easy. Her arm links with his, her mind swimming temporarily between the case and the shift in the relationships in her life lately. Those thoughts are normally reserved for late into the night while unable to sleep and trying to figure out what's missing in her life.
"Do you want to go in there?" Ed asks a bit more forcefully jarring her attention. "You ok?"
Stopped abruptly on the curb, a few annoyed bystanders walk around them.
Olivia shakes her head trying to snap back into the present. "Uhh yeah."
"Or we can go back to your place or something if you want?" he offers and a blush creeps on her cheeks. They are not ready for that yet. At least she's not but she's beginning to suspect that he is. That he's ready for something more. They've only just begun seeing each other here and there casually over the past month, not even a kiss yet except on the cheek. Anything behind closed door feels like she would be leading him on.
"Uhh, let's go in there," she nods toward the small bar with just a few patrons and he gives her a knowing smirk. The hesitation is clear but in another very un-Tucker like move, he's being very understanding.
"Ok."
She orders her new favorite drink of late, Bourbon on the rocks, he orders the same and they settle into comfortable conversation in the small booth. Trying not to talk about work especially the Abraham case proves to be difficult. It's so much of who they are that it creeps in even in the slightest moments.
"How's Rollins been since coming back from maternity leave?" he asks finishing the last of his drink.
Olivia motions towards the bartender for another round and finishes off her drink as well. "She's definitely a bit more tenacious as if that was possible." And judgmental thinking to herself of Rollins comments to her a couple of weeks ago about addiction and putting children first.
Ed chuckles and his left hand slips across the table to grab her right one that is fidgeting on the small wooden table. He squeezes it reassuringly and she rewards him with a tight smile.
"I'm sure you've got it under control."
"You have a lot of faith in me, " she mutters briefly nodding to acknowledge the waitress who has brought over their next round.
"I've seen what you can do and what you've been through. An overzealous Rollins is no match for that."
Olivia nods again trying not to let her mind wander through the implications of such a loaded statement. The past few years have been rough, more so than ever in her life. Despite her visits to the therapists and her dates with the wine bottles at home, there are some memories that won't leave her hectic mind.
After a little more talk about his upcoming vacation and updates on Noah, they decide to call it a night. Ed throws the money down on the table and his hand is once again at the small of her back when they walk back out onto the street. After walking a few blocks with her arm again intertwined in his, she can sense that he has something on his mind.
The other shoe is about to drop. She's used to being the one blanking in and out, consumed with her errant thoughts but tonight there was something clearly bothering him.
"Penny for your thoughts?" It seems appropriate to ask even though she has a feeling it will be too heavy to discuss tonight.
Ed takes a deep breath, his black trench coat grazing hers as he leans into her body a little more. They dodge a taxi crossing the street and step up onto the next block. Bracing herself for impact, she's thankful for the alcohol coursing through her veins to help absorb the blow.
"I think we need to disclose," his voice is so faint she isn't sure if she heard him correctly over the wind.
Shit. She wasn't expecting that. Trying to come to her place and have sex was expected. Asking to meet Noah was expected. Asking why she seems to be a little more lost in thought lately maybe but not this. They've managed to keep their relationship quiet and out of the squad room, as she's done with all her relationships it seems, but with him she had her reasons for keeping it quiet. Very good reasons.
Olivia never thought she would be that person who cared what others thought but she knows that most of her squad hates Ed Tucker and she can't say she doesn't understand why. She alluded to Nick on the phone the week before that she was seeing someone and he was relieved when it was confirmed it wasn't Brian Cassidy again. He would only give her more shit once he found out it was Cassidy's boss and the guy who hemmed him up on more than one occasion.
"Wow..that's umm...that's something to think about," she struggles to say. Her eyes fixate on the street looking around for the nearest cab but realization hits they are only a few blocks away from her apartment. She shivers again more from his confession than the cold but he doesn't realize. "Do you want to grab a cab?" he offers.
"Uhh no, this is fine," she lies. It's not fine but it's better than them taking a cab to her apartment and she telling him to not let the cab leave because he needs to take it back home.
"So?"
"So....what?"
They continue to walk and cross another street. She's angry at herself because she can't think. Between the cold weather and the slight buzz from the alcohol she now regrets having a drink. Hoping nothing comes out wrong, she flips her wavy chestnut hair and smashes her black leather gloves deeper into her coat pocket to buy some time. The truth is she's not ready for this. Her private life on display. Partially because every time one of her relationships is exposed, it tends to end shortly after and she is having a good time with him. His company is more enjoyable than she ever would've imagined but she's not ready to risk the funny looks, the whispers and any other consequences of not only being one of the few female Commanding Officers in the NYPD but also known for dating the Captain of Internal Affairs.
If this doesn't work out she's always going to have that label tied to her and she doesn't know if they are there yet. If she is there yet.
"You don't want to." It's a statement and not a question. When words still evade her, they are suddenly stopped on the sidewalk again.
"I get that we need to say something in case something happens but I just think it's a little soon." She's trying to say it in the best way possible without hurting his feelings or making it seem like she doesn't care about him. Ed looks around to his left and right, his blue eyes clearly avoiding making eye contact. It's clear her attempt was unsuccessful. In the spirit of wanting to make things right she takes a step closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck, their cheeks warming each other. "I'm just not ready yet," Olivia whispers in his ear.
Ed's hands are at his side for what seems like minutes but he soon wraps his arms around her waist pulling her body close. His warmth is comforting and she exhales into his neck.
"I just don't want either of us to get into trouble at work if something comes out before we disclose." He's right. Sudden flashbacks of David Haden and their precarious situation is running through her mind but she can't shake the overall feeling that disclosing right now isn't the best idea.
Olivia pulls back from the embrace, her face still close giving him her most sincere look. "Let's just give it more time. Ok?"
"Ok."
Instantly worried that he is upset, his gloved hand takes hers and they walk in silence for the next few minutes until they arrive at her front stoop. "Thanks for having a drink with me tonight."
He turns around to face her, their hands still intertwined. "Thank you for cashing in on that raincheck."
His fingers glide back and forth along hers and there is a moment of awkwardness. Here it is.
"I'm not ready for that either," she answers his silent question and he chuckles uncomfortably. "Look Olivia I'm not trying to push you into anything I just know how much your job means to you and me. Just think about it."
Her rose colored lips press tightly together absorbing his words and she leans forward, hesitating slightly before her lips softly touch his. It's tentative at first but his lips soon relax and mold to hers. The kiss is broken before he has a chance to deepen it and she smiles at him shyly when they break apart.
"Good night." She's almost up the stairs and to the door when she hears him call out to her.
"And Olivia?"
"Yeah?"
"Think about that other thing too," his head briefly nodding in the direction of her apartment window.
Smiling, her hands find her pockets again to pull out her keys. "I will. Good night."
The taste of Ed and a little bourbon is still on her lips when she takes the elevator and puts the keys in the door to her apartment.
"Hey," Lucy whispers taking her legs off the couch. The latest issue of Cosmo hits the table with a small thud.
Olivia takes off coat and starts picking up the toys that are in her path towards the hallway. "He still sleeping?"
"Like a baby."
Lucy gathers her coat and bag and is out the door in a matter of minutes. "See you tomorrow Liv."
Her apartment is quiet...again. Her breathing and the hum of the fridge are the only sounds. Six months ago there was constant noise and movement, the playful giggles of her son filling the room. Now it seems like whenever she is home he's already sleep or it's really early in the morning before he's had a chance to fully wake up. She feeds him breakfast in the mornings, gives him a bath and dresses him by the time Lucy arrives but it doesn't seem like enough.
It's never enough.
She's longed for a child as long as she can remember but lately she's felt like she's failing at motherhood. Tiptoeing into Noah's room, she finds him sleeping in his bed with one arm stretched above his head and the other at his side. He started sleeping like this recently and the pose immediately makes her smile. His arm has hit her in the face on the few nights she's allowed him to sleep in her bed when he wasn't feeling well or he was too whiney and wouldn't take no for an answer. She watches him a little longer, kisses her fingers and places them to his forehead before flicking on the camera near his bed and closing the door.
It's a little after 9pm and she should be thankful that her phone hasn't rung and she can go to sleep but she knows better. Sleep doesn't come easy these days and thanks to the conversation with Ed on the way home tonight, tonight will be just another sleepless night. But not for lack of effort. She's tried everything lately, hot baths, melatonin, reading and a whole lot of wine. Nothing has worked. Instead her mind is filled with cases, her squad, Noah, her hectic schedule and recently Ed.
Olivia runs a hot bath and soon submerges herself, the scent of the oils flooding her nostrils. It's soothing, relaxing and momentarily clears her mind. The phone is close by in case a work call comes in and she leans against the back of the tub. Her thoughts quickly go to Ed's question tonight. Should they disclose? When she was Detective it was easier for her to make reckless decisions because there was less at stake. Now if there was a conflict of interest and it was exposed her position as Commanding Officer could be threatened.
Her phone vibrates once indicating a text message and she breaths a sigh of relief that at least she likely hasn't caught a case. Drying her hands on a nearby towel, she picks up the phone to see it's a text from Ed.
Good night.
This is something he's started a few weeks ago and it took her completely off guard. It was a simple yet sweet gesture. Responding quickly, she submerges herself back in the water.
If they disclose then that makes them an official relationship and this was something he clearly wanted. But was it something she wanted? Ed Tucker despite the shit he put her through over the years ended up being a pretty nice guy. Another surprising shift of relationships in her life. She wouldn't have guessed that about him but then again she wouldn't have guessed a lot of things about nowadays. She wouldn't have guessed that everyone that had become like a family to her over the years had all but disappeared. Munch and Cragen called here and there, not as much as she would like because of her hectic schedule. Her conversations with Nick were few and far between.
And then there was Elliot.
There had been no contact. The thought still causes a sharp pain in her heart but quickly brushes it away as she always does. Not tonight. She finished up her bath and settled in the bed with the image of her son on her iPad screen, fighting back the lingering feelings of disappointment and regret about her former partner.
Instead, Olivia had to make yet another decision and the thought alone is exhausting. She needed to determine if she was ready to go to the next step with Ed. She liked him, he filled a void she started to feel more and more lately and she had grown attracted to him as they got to know each other better. He was a welcome distraction to the chaos that had become her life and at some point when she wasn't so tired and ready to be very truthful with herself, she would think about why her life was unfulfilled even when it seemed she had everything she wanted. She had her son, a promotion at a job she loved and now a special someone in her life. But something was missing. Or someone.
She would think about that one night , but that wasn't tonight. Rolling over in bed, the outside noises distract and surprisingly lull her to sleep.
"Hey Lieutenant you have a minute?" Amanda asks knocking on the door.
Olivia inwardly groans hoping that it's not something wrong. Amanda has always been a wild card even though she's seen some improvements since Jesse has been born.
"Sure come on in."
Amanda opens a file and hands it to her. "This case something is not quite sitting right with me."
"Oh and what's that?" She puts on her black-rimmed glasses and glances at the crime scene photos.
"See the positioning of the bodies, it looks like the perp may have positioned them that way for a reason. See how he has them embracing one another? Well anyway I ran it through VICAP and I think I found something," the blonde says talking so fast that Olivia has trouble keeping up. "There was a similar MO that the Queen bureau worked a few years ago. Two different murders, four victims, all raped, murdered and positioned like this. I was wondering if it's okay if Fin and I go and talk to them."
Olivia shuffles through the papers realizing Amanda may be onto something and pleasantly surprised at her diligence. "Absolutely. Does Dodds know?"
Amanda rolls her eyes and she already knows the deal. "No." Her and Dodds haven't been seeing eye to eye and Olivia is tired of playing referee.
"Do me a favor," she pulls the glasses from her face and walks over to Amanda. "Can you just run it by him before you and Fin leave please?"
"Ok," she agrees begrudgingly and heads out. The chemistry of the team hasn't been the same due to the revolving staff over the last couple of years. Amanda and Fin have a good rapport and Carisi has found more of his groove but with Dodds in the mix the four of them haven't found their rhythm yet. She can't remember how long it took for her, Munch, Fin and Elliot to get in sync but she just hopes her squad can pull it together soon.
Elliot.
Another day. Another situation where a memory of him is evoked. Dwelling on it too long hasn't helped and only makes her angrier. She has a lot to focus on and Elliot Stabler doesn't deserve her focus. He doesn't deserve her.
There is another knock at her door and she quickly jolts from the memory to find an ADA at her door.
"Pippa? What are you doing here?" Olivia greets the redhead with surprise.
"Your buddy Barba is out for a few days on a personal matter so here I am," she announces and Olivia makes a mental note to call Barba later to see what's going on. They had become closer over the years and she wanted to make sure everything was ok with him.
"You're here on the double rape homicide from up in Chelsea."
Pippa takes off her jacket and sets her briefcase down in one of the guest chairs. "That I am. So what have you got for me?"
Olivia takes the next half hour bringing her up to speed on everything they have so far with the case, a possible suspect and they talk about forensics and witness statements.
"Good news is Rollins thinks she may have a break. Her and Fin are going to Queens to check out a possible connection with something there."
Rounding her desk, Olivia picks up her phone to see that she has a message from Ed. A small smile inadvertently plays on her lips.
Dinner tonight?
"So who's the guy?" Pippa asks.
Olivia shakes her head not willing to kiss and tell. Her and Pippa have become somewhat friendly over the past couple of years but if she hasn't talked about it with the people closest to her, she won't discuss it with the ADA.
"Nobody." She responds and then puts down the phone. Not tonight I want to spend some time with Noah. Another raincheck?
"Ok fine I won't push," she throws her hand up in surrender. "I'm just glad to see all hope is not lost for women like you and me."
Olivia chuckles and checks her watch. It's barely 5pm and she decides to get off at a normal time today to get home early. "You mean women living for the job with no social life?"
"Yes exactly. I've even gotten so desperate that I let my friend's daughter hook me up with her friend's dad."
"Ok that sounds confusing even to me but in other words a blind date?"
They both gather up their coats and get ready to head out. "Yep a blind date. At this point I'm willing to try anything plus my friend has sworn to me that he's hot and apparently he used to be a cop or something."
Olivia chuckles again and remembers how good it feels to have girl talk again. "Do people our age really use the word hot?"
She presses the button on the elevator and they get in. "They do when it applies. I saw a picture and he's pretty good looking. The cop thing concerns me but we'll see."
"Hey, what are you trying to say? I'm a cop."
Pippa pats her on the shoulder briefly. "My point exactly Lieutenant."
In the parking garage, Olivia sends a text to Lucy telling her she's on the way and Pippa begins to walk in the opposite direction towards her car. "Well let me know how the date goes. Good night."
Pippa waves to Olivia and gets in her car to search for the number that her friend gave her earlier in the week. She's off early for the first time in a long time and decides to call and see if her blind date is up to meet for dinner even though it's last minute.
She dials the number and is delighted when he answers on the first ring. "Hey Elliot? It's me Pippa, Margaret's friend. I know it's last minute but I was wondering if you would be up to meet for dinner tonight."