Well, when the rough draft of this last chapter, entitled “The End” after the same chapter in New Moon, reached fifteen pages, I knew I had to break it into two separate chapters.
But, so that I won't keep you all in suspense, I'll post them together, Part I and Part II of “The End” back-to-back. So you'll find Part II posted within minutes of Part I. I hope that works for you. :)
So I'll save all the “last chapter” stuff for Part II. :) Just enjoy, and please do remember to review Part I before going onto Part II.
Again I am indebted to AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed's story Midnight Sun Bridge on FanFiction.net for the information regarding e.e. cummings as Bella's favorite poet. Her story inspired the use of cummings poem below.
Chapter Fifty-Five: The End, Part I
Once again I pulled Bella's body against mine, burying my face in her strawberry-scented locks as the final song on the CD I had recorded for for birthday gift began. I knew that this song, almost as much as her lullaby, expressed my love for this beautiful, headstrong, loyal, incredible human girl...my beloved, whom I would be leaving behind, broken-hearted, in a matter of days.
When I had learned that Bella's favorite poet was e.e. cummings, I was inspired to set one of his poems to music. The piano hadn't sounded right for such a personal tribute, so I had picked up my guitar. The melody came to me easily; the chord progression was simple, providing background to the powerful words penned by a poet whose work I had dismissed as vulgar and childish. Until Bella had changed my mind.
As she had changed me in so many, many ways.
As the first guitar chords flowed from Bella's inexpensive player, I desperately wished that I could have performed this song for her in person, perhaps in my bedroom. I envisioned the scene: myself sitting on my leather sofa with Bella nestled at my feet as my fingers gently plucked the strings, my voice, raspy with emotion, crooning the familiar words to her...to my beloved:
somewhere I have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture
are things that enclose me,
or which I cannot touch
because they are too near.
your slightest look
will easily enclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal
myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully,mysteriously)
her first rose...
or if your wish to be close me,
i and my life will shut very beautifully,
suddenly, as when the heart of this flower
imagines the snow carefully
everywhere descending...
nothing which we are to perceive
in this world equals the power
of your intense fragility:
whose texture compels me with
the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever
with each breathing...
(i do not know what it is about you
that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes
is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,
has such small hands....
As the closing chords died away and the player clicked itself off, I remained frozen with the depth of my emotions, Bella's body curled into mine, my face nestled into her hair. Her scent swirled around me, through me, as the words of the song, reverberated through my mind....
your eyes have their silence
in your most frail gesture
are things that enclose me....
So true—her eyes could speak volumes, or they could remain silent with wisdom far beyond her human years. Every gesture of her fragile body encloses me, surrounds me—my strength sheathed within her beautiful human frailty.
nothing which we are to perceive
in this world equals the power
of your intense fragility....
Oh yes—the power that Bella, in her intense human fragility, held over my immortal strength was manifold, ever present...eternal.
Eternal....
As eternal as my love for her.
rendering death and forever
with each breathing...
Death. Forever. Each breath she took—each breath I took—brought us closer to her death and mine, for I refused to live without her for a moment longer than was necessary. When Bella breathed her last, I would be bound for Italy and the Volturi...the monsters then rendering death and forever.
nobody,not even the rain,
has such small hands....
With extreme care to avoid waking Bella, I took her tiny, fragile hands in mine, awestruck by the juxtaposition of my beloved human girl—tiny yet indomitable, fragile yet stronger, in some ways, than I am myself.
As I held her hands in mine, I noticed again the white, cold scar marring the perfection of her small hands.
My kind has already scarred her permanently. I could not allow any other scar—physical, mental, or emotional—to affect her beautiful body and soul.
I pressed a kiss into each of Bella's palms, glorying in her warmth, her frailty, her beauty, her goodness. Then I kissed the scar that remained colder than the rest of her skin.
As my kind had marked her, so Bella had marked me, transforming me from a beast into one who was capable of truly loving another. Her soul had changed me, completely and irrevocably.
But I could not be responsible for ruining such a pure soul. The choice I had made was the only way...the only way to save her soul.
I steeled myself to begin the process of separating my heart from hers when she awakened.
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By the time Bella awoke in the first light of dawn, I had my mask securely in place. She was unusually pale—obviously feeling quite unwell, and I had to restrain myself from scooping her into my arms and comforting her. Still drowsy, her soft brown eyes searched mine anxiously. Although I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, to kiss away her worry, I had to start the process of our separation now.
Pressing my cool lips to her forehead, I was out her window without a word, on my way to see my family. Ahead of me lay perhaps the most serious confrontation our family has yet seen. I knew it was going to be ugly.
I was breaking too many hearts to avoid a dreadful scene.
As I ran, I tried to plot out my strategy for our meeting. I was positive that Alice had already informed the rest of the family regarding my decision, so I had lost the element of surprise. They would have their minds already made up, entrenched in their beliefs of what was best for Bella, for me, for our family.
And I would have the nearly-impossible situation before me of changing the minds of each of my family members. Carlisle and Esme would be the easiest to persuade; Rosalie would be pissed at having to leave, but I had done so for her upon one occasion, and several times on Emmett's behalf as well. I had moved house for almost all of my family without reproach or complaint, never asking for anything in return.
Alice would actually be the most challenging battle, but Jasper would fall into line behind her once I had convinced her that this was indeed the only way to proceed.
They owed me this one request. This one gift...of leaving Bella to live out her human life without any further interference from us...and especially from me.
My family was gathered in the living room when I arrived home. I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself for the long battle ahead.
“I don't have much time for this,” I started coolly. “I have to meet Bella at school in an hour.”
“So we're not leaving?” Rosalie asked, one eyebrow raised in disdain. “Excellent. I like living here—with this weather, we can be almost normal.”
“Oh, we're leaving, all right,” I stated calmly. “We need a couple of days to get our story straight and pack up, then I'll tell Bella, and we'll be gone.”
“That's cold,” murmured Alice, sounding heartbroken. Jasper pulled her into his lap, embracing her.
“It has to be cold,” I said, hating myself for the plan I had hatched overnight. “I want Bella to think I'm a grade-A jerk, or she'll never move on and have the normal, human life she deserves.”
Esme looked as if she would be crying, if such a thing were possible for our kind. “So you're going to destroy Bella's trust in you—her trust in us? Edward, think about it. You two need to be together. She needs you. And you need her just as much, if not more,” she said, her soft voice choked with emotion.
“It's the only way,” I replied quietly.
“The hell it is!” Emmett roared. “I'm not deserting Bella—and I'm not going to let you leave her behind, either!”
Emmett's loyalty to Bella provided another stab of the knife in my heart. Was I going to destroy my family as well as my relationship with Bella? I shook my head silently, garnering my arguments.
“Emmett's right, you know,” agreed Alice. “You can't force us to leave Bella behind. You're not the only one who cares about her, Edward.” My sister's quiet words wounded me deeply. I knew she spoke the truth. But....
“It doesn't matter,” I whispered. “The only thing that matters is that Bella deserves a normal life. A safe life. A life free of vampires trying to kill her.”
Immediately I caught Jasper's guilt-ridden thoughts and quickly interceded. “I'm not only referring to last night, but to the James debacle as well. Plus, you weren't the only one who wanted to kill her last night, Jazz,” I said gently, looking at his downcast face. “I very nearly lost control myself. Esme had to leave the room, as did Alice, Emmett, and Rose. It comes down to this simple fact: Bella is not safe with us—with any of us. No matter how human we may appear, we are what we are, and we have no business dragging Bella into danger because we love her.”
“It's about time you saw sense, Edward,” sneered Rosalie. “Unfortunately, it's about nine months too late.”
“Rose!” scolded Esme.
“No, she's right,” I admitted, my ashamed eyes fixed on my shoes. “I should never have returned from Denali. I should have stayed away from Bella. I was weak, and my weakness has endangered her life for the last time.”
“Edward,” Carlisle intervened at last. “Do you believe that leaving Bella behind is the only way to protect her?”
Lifting my head, I gazed squarely into Carlisle's earnest eyes. “Yes,” I replied simply.
“But what about Bella?” asked Esme sadly. “You can't do this to her, Edward. You can't destroy the love you two share.”
“I can and I will,” I answered coldly, forcing myself to state the obvious. “It's the only way.”
My voice softened, becoming more persuasive as I continued, “Bella is human. She'll grieve for a little while, but soon she'll forget the color of my eyes, then exactly what my face looked like, and slowly, I'll fade from her memory. It's what all humans do. I despise myself for being the cause of her pain, but if this action grants her all that a human life has to offer—college, career, marriage, children—then it will be worth her pain in the long run. I'll just become a faded memory,” I said, firmly but sadly.
“Bullshit!” Alice was on her feet, hands fisted and eyes sparkling with rage. “I know Bella better than that! YOU know Bella better than that! She is faithful and loyal, and even if you succeed in breaking her faith in you, she won't stop loving you, and she certainly won't forget you! You can not do this to her, Edward! Or to us—we love her!! But most of all,” Alice's voice softened slightly, “you can't do this to yourself. You can't live without her, Edward. You know you can't.”
An image flashed across her mind: I was curled into a fetal position in a tiny, filthy room. Soft murmurings in Portuguese rose from the many rooms below. But what struck me most was my appearance: My face whiter than death. My eyes black as midnight. My body shaking, weak, yet strangely inanimate.
This would be what I became without Bella.
But she would be safe. Safe without me.
If she would be safe, then so be it.
I accepted my fate if only she would live and thrive.
Alice's groan reverberated around the room as she sank back onto Jasper's lap. “You've already done it,” she whispered sadly. “You've decided. You won't change your mind. There's nothing I can say.”
“Nothing,” I agreed firmly, undaunted by her vision.
Jasper's groan met Alice's, melding with it.
I turned to him. “Understand this, Jasper,” I said firmly. “I do not blame you in the least for last night. We are what we are. What happened was entirely my fault for bringing a human into the lair of vampires. Please, do not blame yourself. Promise me,” I demanded softly.
He stared at me, disbelief his only expression.
“Promise me, Jasper,” I demanded more forcibly.
Jasper felt my determination, then sighed. “Very well, Edward.”
“Thank you,” I replied, nodding in gratitude. I couldn't have Jasper feeling guilty over a situation I had brought upon us all.
Esme moved quietly to Carlisle's side, clinging to him. “When do you wish to leave?” she asked, resigned.
“Within a few days. I want some time to alter Bella's perception of me..” I sucked in a deep breath, forcing the words out, “I need to be a cold-hearted bastard so that—“
“Shouldn't be difficult,” muttered Alice acidly. I turned to her, shocked. Her topaz eyes returned my glare.
Esme's jaw had dropped open at Alice's words while Carlisle gave her a reproving look.
“Alice,” he began. “You don't have—“
Interrupting Carlisle smoothly, I continued, “Then once we're all packed, you will leave together, traveling to Denali for now. I'll say goodbye to Bella and join you.”
“Do I get to tell her goodbye?” Alice questioned sadly, all bravado leaving her at the thought of not being allowed to say goodbye to her dearest friend. Jasper pulled her closer, whispering comforting words into her ear.
Pausing for a moment, I knew that Alice would handle leaving much better if she could tell Bella goodbye, but was allowing Alice to do so really the best thing for Bella? What would Alice say? I'm not sure I trusted her since she was the one most opposed to my plan, especially since her little outburst. Plus, wouldn't a clean break be healthier for Bella, easier for her to handle?
“I don't think so,” I answered softly. “I think the goodbyes should come from me only.”
I heard Esme's soft gasp and despised myself anew for the pain I was subjecting my family to. Of course, this pain would be nothing compared to the agony I would be subjecting Bella to...and myself as well.
Carlisle spoke again, with authoritative calm. “Very well, Edward. I will admit to having some major misgivings about this plan, but Bella is your mate, and you must do what you believe best for her.”
I winced as he said the word “mate.” Vampires mated for life—for the entirety of our existence. The use of “mate” to describe Bella wounded me even further as I knew that I would never experience love again....
...Not for all eternity.
But Bella would be safe. That was the important point. Even if I couldn't be with her, the simple fact of her safety, of her future happiness, would be enough to sustain me.
It would have to be enough.
It was all I was going to have.
Glancing at the clock, I realized I didn't have much time until I had to meet Bella at school. “Thank you, Carlisle. Thank you, everyone. I'm so sorry that this will be so hard for you all. Just remember that it will be that much more difficult for me.”
“I know,” breathed Esme. “We're sorry, too, Edward. We never wanted something like this to happen.”
“It was only a matter of time,” Rosalie said, but her voice was empty of its usual invective when Bella was involved.
“Yes, Rosalie, it was,” I agreed grimly. “I need to change and get to school.” I was mildly surprised by the detached quality of my voice.
As Alice brightened and prepared to follow me upstairs to dress for school, I shook my head at her. “You need to pack, Alice. I'll make your excuses to Bella.”
Alice glared, hissing her words at me, “Just so you know, Edward Cullen, you're making the most terrible mistake of your entire existence.”
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After changing my clothing and driving to school, I arrived slightly before Bella. My mask was securely in place as her truck chugged into view.
As I opened the truck door for her, she studied my expression, her own face pale with discomfort that she refused to admit to. Despite the fact that her arm was still hurting, Bella seemed far more anxious about me than she was for her own well-being. That was Bella. Throughout the morning I remained a silent presence at her side, unwilling to speak lest the fragile mask I had erected shattered with the force of my suppressed emotion.
Obviously trying to avoid questions, Bella had hidden her bandaged injury beneath a loose, long-sleeved peasant blouse. Occasionally when she bumped her arm against someone or something, her face paled significantly, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. Her pain became my pain as I grimaced each time she did.
Our silence broke at lunch when Bella realized that Alice was not in school. As we approached our usual table for lunch, Bella stopped suddenly, glancing around the cafeteria in panic, noting that several of Alice's classmates from French class were already present. Gently I nudged her to our table, and she moved ahead of me as if sleepwalking. As we slid into our seats, I pulled a granola bar from our food tray in order to keep up the usual human charade.
Bella turned to me, her face pale again, her lips turning gray as she asked in a cracked voice, “Where's Alice?”
Digging deep, I managed to maintain the mask, taking out my frustrations by crumbling the granola bar to nothingness. “She's with Jasper,” I replied quietly.
“Is he okay?” she asked, her voice rising an octave in worry.
“He's gone away for a while.”
“What? Where?” Bella's brown eyes were huge with panic.
Could she grow any paler? I tried to crush my anxiety for her as I pulverized the food in my hands. Somehow I managed a noncommittal shrug as I replied, “Nowhere in particular.”
“And Alice, too,” she asked, her brows rushing together in consternation.
“Yes,” I confirmed quietly. “She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to move to Denali.”
Bella swallowed hard, apparently trying to calm herself. She bit her lip again, and I couldn't stop my worry over her paleness and lack of appetite. She hadn't touched her food.
“Is your arm bothering you?” I asked, concern tinging my voice.
Bella rolled her eyes in frustration. “Who cares about my stupid arm?” she groaned, putting her head down on the table and hiding her face in her folded arms.
My hand seemed to move of its own volition to caress the back of her head, to brush her hair away from her face, to bestir the mouthwatering scent of strawberries that will be part of my world for only the next forty-eight hours or so.
But I pulled my hand back just before touching her lowered head.
Touching her was a bad idea. The smallest chink in my mask would bring all my emotions crashing down, and, for Bella's sake, I steeled myself to remain strong.
She had to be safe. And safety for Bella was being as far from me and my family as possible.
After school I was surprised when Bella asked me to come over after she worked at Newton's; I had forgotten that Alice had called Karen Newton to switch shifts with Bella so that Bella would be free on her birthday. Obviously keeping up my mask for Bella's sake was requiring all of my concentration.
“If you want me to,” I stated flatly, trying to discourage her from inviting me.
Bella's words were intense as she looked up at me, hope and determination in her eyes. “I always want you,” she declared firmly.
I swallowed, concentrating with all my strength to remain unemotional behind my mask. “All right, then,” I answered, my voice uncaring while pain stabbed my silent heart.
I had to be a bastard to Bella—it was the only way.
She drove away without complaint, but I noticed her wild eyes, her confused expression. Her increased breathing and heart rate attested to her state of mind as she left for her shift.
Bella was panicking.
Slowly I moved to my car, trying not to panic myself. Keeping up this mask of indifference was much more difficult than I had thought it would be. More than that, though, I was deeply concerned about Bella. Should she be driving while in such an emotional state? It didn't seem safe to me.
So I slipped my car into the street four cars behind Bella's truck, intending to follow her to Newton's to be sure she made it to work safely.
It was one of the few things I could still do to take care of my Bella.
While I still could.
My focus zeroed in on the heartbeat of the petite girl in the huge truck ahead of me. I knew that rhythm so well that even blindfolded, I could locate her in a crowd.
I began to relax slightly as I followed Bella; her breathing and heart rate were slowly normalizing. I drove past Newton's, surreptitiously watching Bella clamber out of the monstrous vehicle. She had finally worked herself into a state of semi-composure, and I felt she would be safe now that she had arrived at Newton's in one piece.
Newton's.
The family name emblazoned across the front of the sporting goods store wounded me deeply. As soon as I was gone, Mike Newton would attempt to win over Bella's affections. In no way could he possibly deserve her, but I would have no choice in the matter, would I?
In leaving Bella behind, I was giving up every right to her future. For all I knew, she could end up marrying Mike Newton, or Jacob Black, or someone like them. While I wanted that normal, human life for her, I couldn't quell the jealousy that struck my heart at the thought of Bella with someone else. Happy with someone else.
As I drove home, I found myself pinching the bridge of my nose. God, I was such a hypocrite. I wanted her to have a happy human life, but here I was becoming madly envious of the man who would win her affections in the future.
You can't have it both ways, idiot, I scolded myself.
I arrived home to help with the packing and was unsurprised that Alice refused to speak to me, sniffing disdainfully every time I came near her. Rosalie treated me the same way. But the girls' anger was much easier to handle than the sympathetic thoughts of my parents and Emmett. Thankfully, Jasper studiously kept his mind blank, apparently not wishing for me to know his thoughts. I promised myself that I would have a long talk with him tonight when I got home from Bella's; I had no intention of remaining in her room tonight as I gradually pulled away from her presence...for Bella's sake.
I arrived at the Swans' house shortly before Bella, greeting Charlie and sliding into the armchair, thus preventing Bella from seating herself beside me on the narrow sofa.
Distance. She needed distance from me, and I needed distance as well so that I could somehow, some way wean my heart from hers.
So, this is the end of Part I of “The End,” the final chapter of Evening Star.
This last chapter has been soul-searing to write. I only hope I have done these final days of Edward and Bella's early relationship justice.
Please do take the time to Like, Share, Fan, Vote, and Comment before reading “The End, Part II” which should be posted in mere minutes, if it isn't up already.
Thank you for reading and for reviewing!!! Love you ALL!!!! xxoo
--Cassandra :)