I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
I steady your hand
--- --- ---
I watched his face soften by fraction, he smiled down at me and came close again so that he could grip the edge of the countertop I was sat on, with him stood this close, practically breathing down my neck, I felt a little uncomfortable.
However, I didn't say anything because my lips felt as if they were stitched together after saying something so cheesy like I just had.
I can't let go of somebody who'd make me feel like one of those stupidly lucky people, I repeated in my head.
I just wanted to thwack myself over the head because the old Flynn would never say anything like that, he was brave, strong, fearless and anything but soft, but it seemed like Ben always bought out this side of me that I had never experienced before. It's funny because I haven't known him like this for that long but I felt like I could talk to him about anything and everything. I reckon it was because I felt that he was always one step ahead of me and he gave great advice - always as if he's revised what to say for days on end.
He's had to deal with some shit, he's had issues in the past that I just know that he understands and it felt almost crucial that I keep him around.
Glancing to him now, I reminisce those times when I'd shrink under those bright green eyes, but that's behind us now because now I only see eyes that make me feel all warm and cared for and they're incomparable to the vibes I get from everyone I know.
Marcia almost had that same effect, but opening up to her was hard because she'd somehow spin things around and talk about her own problems as if she can understand what's wrong, but she doesn't. Not always.
I looked down to the ground, but he was stood so damn close that I found myself staring at his crotch instead, not a white tile was in sight, just black denim. Tight black denim. Curse him for wearing those jeans, sure they weren't that tight compared to what most people wear nowadays, but they did reveal a distinguishable bulge.
"Is Flynn Hopper really turning into a softie?" He said with fake intrigue, I pursed my lips together to keep myself from spitting out my record of forty cuss words within a minute.
I looked up ever so slowly, admiring his angel sculpted abs as I traced my eyes over them, he had a playful grin on his lips and I just went ahead and shoved his chest for the shits and giggles.
"You never finished your story." I mumbled. I wondered if he actually understood what I said.
"Changing the subject are we?"
"Well of course, now tell me." I pushed.
"Which story?"
"About the foster home you lived in."
His face contorted into his usual, blank stare and his defined jawline and clenched fists away the fact he was gritting his teeth.
"There's not much to say, it's not that important to be honest." He trailed off.
I pinched him.
"What was that for?!" He snapped.
"Don't say it's not important." I bit, "tell me that, or tell me what you are."
"Even I don't know what I am." He retorted, "I just sort of liked Jace at one point, it's nothing."
"You're lying."
He rolled his eyes and leaned on the counter top, the tension in his arms made his biceps pop and I tried my best to resist staring so much.
He sighed and looked down before lifting his head again and staring at the wall behind me.
"Stop stalling."
"Ok, fine. There was usually up to three kids a room." He started. "I was sharing with one of the older guys, the bully's 'sidekick'."
"He said to me one night that he didn't actually like the guy that bullied me, and he didn't like being a part of it all so we conspired something, it all went to shit after that." He sighed, looking down. I instinctively grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"He lied, the bully became twice as bad and well, that's that." Ben shrugged.
"That's a little vague." I mumbled.
"I don't want to talk about it to anyone. I don't like looking back at it." He looked up to me and met my eyes, the green was much darker this time but his complexion was hard to read, like usual.
"You don't look sad, you look... Angry?" I pointed out as I noticed his teeth grit together again and his breathing become louder.
"It's nothing, it's in the past, the bully is gone, okay?"
"He still affects you."
He started flaring up, clenching his free hand and tensing his shoulders, he looked absolutely livid; it was actually scaring me and I wasn't too sure how to deal with it.
"Ben." I called and squeezed his hand again.
"It's fine. I'm fine." He muttered, his voice hoarse and monotonous, but his shoulders remained tense.
"No, you aren't." I stated, placing a hand on his shoulder, he relaxed a little, but not completely.
"Flynn." He growled quietly. "I'm fine."
I stretched my arm out and wrapped it around his head, I didn't know what to do so I ended up pulling him to my chest and resting my chin on his head. "Match my heartbeat, okay?"
"Flynn-"
"It's weird, but do it." I ordered. "Inhale then exhale slowly."
He nodded against my chest and made himself much more comfortable by resting his elbows against the counter on either side of me.
I felt slightly awkward, but I wrapped my arms around his head anyway controlled my breathing for him.
I remember this was something that my dad's psychologist would encourage him to do with my mother, I've only seen them do it once because my dad was super angry one night and if it weren't for my mum being there to help him, he probably would've harmed me.
"Pete, I want you t' sit on the sofa." I remembered my mum saying, she was really young then, her hair was long and curly, unlike now- short and always tied back.
"Now, just hug me, that's all you need to do. Listen to my heartbeat, follow my breathing." She said. "That's good, you're doing good. Think about that holiday in Cardiff last summer - you said it was the best holiday ever."
"Ben, try to clear your mind, or think of something calming." I said under my breath, as if there was a whole crowd gathered around but I didn't want anybody but Ben to hear.
"Remember that crappy caravan?" Mum reminded him, "and all those stupidly frequent service stops we had to take to refill the fuel?"
Thinking about Cardiff seemed to work for Dad and he was back to being calm quite quickly. I was just as taken aback as my mum that night, but much to my chagrin, it was taking quite a long time for Ben to relax and I was getting worried because I had no idea what I'd do if this method didn't work.
"Do you remember always competing for first place in year seven? That was so funny, we'd just endlessly pester the teachers for them to notice us more than the other." I chuckled wryly. "What about that time we were a paired together in Chemistry by Mrs Stanley and we were arguing so much that we weren't focusing-"
"-and we went wrong somewhere and everyone had to evacuate the room because our solution created so much foam." He finished as he lifted his head up and met my eyes. I grinned and moved his fringe out of his face with one quick swipe with my index finger.
"Are you okay now?"
"That was so embarrassing."
"Chem class?"
"No, getting angry like that." He said and added a small snicker. He met my eyes and I gave him a comforting smile. "Thank-"
"You can thank me by making me another cup of tea." I chuckled.
He chewed on his lip and pushed himself away from the counter, the coldness hit me quickly and I hugged myself. With him standing that close to me, I felt all warm and cozy but now that's he's gone, I just wanted him to forget about the tea and embrace me in his warmth again, you win some you lose some, right?
I couldn't just ask him to do that though, so I just sat still and navigated him around the kitchen, guiding him to my second favourite mug since the mug I just had earlier was my most favourite.
It was childish, but my second favourite had a Batman design on it. Ben was chuckling as he picked it up and dropped a tea bag in it.
"Two sugars."
"Batman?" He said, glancing to me and raising a brow before turning around again and putting two teaspoons of sugar in my cup.
I nodded sheepishly and curled up in myself, training my eyes on him as he not so gracefully poured water from the kettle and got some milk ready by taking it out the fridge and placing it next to my tea.
He twirled around to face me and all I could think of is how much of an enigma he is. Moments ago, his face was squashed against my chest and he was angry, but you wouldn't be able to tell so if somebody just happened to walk in and see us.
I've only seen him let his guard down once, which was at Christmas when we were sat on the stairs, drinking scotch and contemplating our lives. Funnily enough, even last time we were talking about when he was in the foster home.
He didn't get angry last time, or perhaps he did but he was just consumed by this overwhelming sadness that it just overpowered the anger.
A couple minutes passed as we spoke about that dreadful chemistry experiment, he poured some milk in for me and handed me my teacup before putting the milk back in the fridge.
"Mrs Stanley never made us pair up ever again." He smiled, "it was a good thing too- we'd probably have ripped each other's throats out."
I chuckled and took a sip of my tea, Ben walked over to me again and stood in front of me, but he wasn't as close this time, unfortunately. However, I did have hot tea in my hand and I can be so clumsy sometimes. I'd probably never forgive myself if I ended up burning his balls with hot tea.
He stretched just one arm out and grabbed the edge of the counter again and used it to lean his weight against.
"I guess I'll just resist asking about the foster home again." I smirked.
He shrugged, "it's just difficult because I haven't told anybody but my mums and it's been a really long time since."
"Not Jace?" I asked, raising a brow. Part of me just wanted to jump up and down in victory because I've learnt something so personal about him and not even his best friend knows about it.
"No, he just knows that I'm from a foster home- like him. That's how we became friends, but he's never taken an interest in it so I just never had the need to tell him."
"Do you have any idea about his experience in one?"
"I know he was adopted when he was four, so I guess there isn't much experience there. His dad practically worked at the home and then adopted him as a single parent and then got married afterwards."
I took a loud sip of my tea because I was unsure of what to say. Ben averted his attention from the wall to look at me instead and I gave him a comforting smile.
"I appreciate you telling me all of this."
He shrugged, "had to come out at some point."
"Yes. So do you." I grinned, punching his chest.
He shook his head at me and sighed, "there's nothing to tell."
"You know there is."
He gave me a pointed look and stared me right in the eyes, I smiled to him.
"There must be a sort of pattern." I argued, "you can't just be like Jace who says he doesn't believe in labels but he has one anyway."
Ben chuckled, "yeah, he does that, doesn't he?"
I leaned forward and found my brows furrowing together as I stared at his face in hopes of finding a clue. I wasn't a good face reader, but let's just say that it looked as if Ben was hiding something. Just the way he was flinching ever so slightly and finding it hard to meet my eyes was making it easy for me.
I smiled to him mischievously as I leaned back. He was hiding it, he knew exactly what he was, and I had some research to do. Gosh, I need a hobby or something.
"Ever had sex?"
"Wha-"
"It's fine if you haven't." I mumbled, "you're just missing out on so much. What about relationships? How many?"
"Uh.. Three."
"What's the furthest you've been?"
"Flynn-"
"Come on, I need to know."
"Second. But! We were so close to third, her dad walked in." He saved.
"Well shit." I laughed, "then what?"
"I got kicked out and banned from seeing her ever again..." He trailed off, "I text her pretty often though."
"You mean you sext her." I deadpanned and failed to keep my poker face.
"You have to make everything sexual." He pointed out.
"Can't help it." I said and sheepishly raised my spare hand up to my shoulders. Sometimes I really couldn't help it.
Ben just shook his head to himself and had a slight smile painting his lips, sometimes I wonder how on earth people deal with me - how Ben can deal with me. I wouldn't have taken him for the jokey, patient type.
I took another sip of my tea, but noticed that it was already finished when there wasn't any hot liquid falling into my mouth, I groaned and placed the mug down on the counter beside me.
Silence fell upon us and I found myself once again, just staring at the ground, all the intricate patterns seemed too amuse me far too much.
All I could hear from Ben were his heavy breaths, it's like he was just millimetres away from my face, but in reality, he was stood an arms length away.
I pondered on Ben's sexuality. I knew now that he wasn't completely straight, but the only thing that was making me think that was the fact he liked Jace once. I can't help but wonder if it was just a one time thing from being young and questioning yourself on this sort of thing. Everyone does it, we all question ourselves. What if Ben was just curious? If so, is he still curious or does he have a concrete answer?
It sucked that I came here for some peace, some space to just clear my mind, but now my mind was boggling with a big question that wasn't even any of my business. It wasn't helpful that Mia was drunk right now, since I've met her, she's always been my go-to whenever I wanted to vent. Not Wyatt, not Kyle, Not even Zach.
"What are you thinking about now?" Ben piped up. "You're going to drive yourself crazy by thinking too much."
"I think I'm way past that." I joked. It wasn't even a funny joke, hell, I didn't even raise my voice at all either, it was all just monotonous and lacking a lot of enthusiasm.
I shifted my eyes to the stove and narrowed them to the small digital screen that showed the time.
1:12am.
I thought I wouldn't mind it, but the silence between us was far too uncomfortable for my liking. The silence meant that all those miserable thoughts I had shoved into the back of my mind were now finding their way back. The silence meant that nothing was being resolved between Ben and I, it meant that I was giving him a free pass for doing the stupid shit he did that hurt me and all the emotions following that were getting to me.
I hated the silence.
I looked down once I could feel a giant lump in my throat. I was trying my best to hold it back, but the tears prickling at my eyes were just begging to fall.
I was trying to remain calm and composed when all I needed to do right now was yell at him until his ears bleed.
This was why I had shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind.
It wasn't just a little bit of sadness I was feeling, I felt angry. I wasn't even sure where my anger was coming from anymore, was it from Ben or from knowing I have to deal with this stupid illness for the rest of my life?
Part of me felt letting all those horrid thoughts out would prevent them from coming back, but we all know that they will eventually find their way back to me. It's similar to how sad I get just thinking about when mum left, sure, it happened ages ago and I've already felt sad about it on more than one occasion, but it still manages to get to me every time.
Every single time.
It's these sort of thoughts that keep me awake at night. Somehow, one small thought just overrides the other and turns into something that'll give you the chills. I could go from thinking about my favourite cartoon show to thinking about death, my brain was wired that way and just now, I can't even continue my thought train about whether or not Ben likes sausages because my other thoughts were surfacing.
I do wish there was an on/off switch, granted, I'd never even press that 'on' switch.
I felt some pressure on my head which was enough to snap me out of my thoughts.
Ben had placed his hand on top of my hair, I gave him a confused look but he just pulled me against his chest and placed his other arm around my shoulders. I was extremely thankful as his hold tightened around me and provided me with the warmth and care I longed for.
"You need to forgive Karen."
"I don't know about that." I muttered, yawning straight after.
"She was caring for you, think about the position she's stuck in - she has to see you mope around, friendless and sad."
"That's not true."
"It's basically what she told me, but she made it out as if she didn't like being helpless around you, not how I said it, I made it sound like she hated having to put up with you." He said and added a small wry laugh.
I just shrugged.
"I should go home now, you must be tired." He murmured.
"I won't get any sleep and I don't want to be left to my own thoughts, please can you stay?" I said almost instantly, I wasn't even thinking about it and I felt instantly regretful afterwards. What does he think of me now? He must regret coming back here, I can be so needy sometimes.
I patiently waited for the painful 'no', but it never came, instead came out an agreement and I found myself smiling to myself.
He let go of me and straightened out his shirt, "I'll ask Harry to get some clothes ready for me so he can give it to your sister."
I nodded and hopped off the countertop, I placed my tea cup in the sink diligently and turned around only to find his hand stretched out to me.
I furrowed my brows and stared at it for a few moments, wondering if I should take it or not. It felt like a life or death situation and I met his eyes with a confused look.
He rolled his eyes to himself and grabbed my hand instead. He flicked the light off in the kitchen as he dragged my dazed body towards the stairs.
I was trying to hide my smile once I was conscious again and tightened my grip around his warm hands, I hoped that he wouldn't turn around because then he'd see my disgustingly embarrassing blush, actually, I hope that he wouldn't notice everything he's been doing to me as of recent, from the way a sudden warmth fills my chest whenever he catches my eye to the way my heart hammers against my ribcage whenever I see that smile of his, with every pound just as hard as the last.
He gives me all these feelings that I would've loathed if I felt like this two years ago when we were in school. I know that this time, it's different. It's different because my body doesn't ache to kiss him, it doesn't feel the desire to do all the naughty things I used to wish he would do, this time is just...different, and in so many wonderful ways that I have never experienced before.
--- --- ---
A/N: AWWWWWW SO MANY FEELSSSSSSS
Here's a fun question for you!
What do you think Ben's sexuality is? I can't give any more hints, you have to guess from what I've included in the last chapter and this one! :)