C H A P T E R S E V E N T E E N
☆☆☆
Mature Content
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The sound of a closed fist rapping against our bedroom door jolted me awake.
"Girls, we'll be leaving for the airport in an hour, start getting ready," my dad said. I heard his retreating footsteps.
I blinked my eyes a few times to get rid of the blur of sleep that covered my eyes in a thick mass of confusion. When the room came into focus, the first thing I saw was a mass of black curls strewn over the pillows and a pair of tan, naked shoulders poking out from the blankets.
A part of me had been afraid that last night was but a figment of my own over-excited imagination, but with Manda laying naked next to me and with our clothing strewn all over the floor, I then knew that what had happened last night was real.
I felt a blush travel to my cheeks as the memories started to flood in. I could still feel her lips on mine, I could still remember the way it felt when our bare bodies touched.
My mind was too occupied with sorting my emotions about last night out for me to have the courage to wake Manda up. I wouldn't even have known what to say to her, nor did I think I'd be able to look her in the eye.
I got my towel and headed straight for the bathroom and got into the shower. I made the temperature as hot as I could handle. Hot showers could cure close to anything when it came to me and they were a most wonderful remedy for my overthinking.
I scrubbed at my skin with an exfoliating brush and some Radox liquid soap, feeling a ton of relief in all the tension hotspots in my body at the combination of the heat of the water and the roughness of the brush and the soothing after-effect of the soap.
My mind began to wander back to last night and I felt a flutter of something sweet and girlish in the core of my belly when I thought of the gentleness that had transpired last night between us. The way our lips had melted together, the way she yielded to me and let me in, figuratively and literally.
Even the way she'd clung to my shoulder blades when my fingers had been exploring her depths had been as tentative as it was tender. I thought of the more explicit details – what it felt like to hear her cry out my name as the lust reached it peak, or the way her hips had bucked when my tongue had entered her.
Amidst the wild images occurring in my mind I hadn't heard the bathroom door open. I was only startled out of my trance when I heard the shower door opening and before I could even turn around to look at the intruder, I felt a pair of hands slide down from my lower back, down to my waist and then to my pelvis.
They brushed past my mound, and dipped into my core without warning. Manda's lips latched onto my shoulder, and she sucked and bit enthusiastically as her pace became frenzied.
"Manda–" I gasped out as her fingers reached someplace inside of me that made my knees buckle.
"Do you want me to stop?" she asked, her voice hoarse and thick with what I assumed was sleep.
"N-no," I replied.
I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my best friend and I were having sex again and that she was eagerly working towards making me orgasm. There was nothing gentle about it this time, just a frenzied rush to get me to my peak.
I reached out an arm to the shower wall to keep myself upright because with the way my legs were wobbling, I doubted I'd be able to remain upright. Manda curled her fingers into me the same way I'd done to her last night and I felt my core ignite with a flush of desire so strong it rendered me weak.
Letting out a soft cry, I clutched at her arm.
"Are you close?" she asked and I barely managed a weak nod at her words. It was then that her tongue traced the contours of my shoulder that they could reach and her other hand came to toy with my nipple. Before I knew it, I was trembling into a sweet abyss of pleasure, letting out soft whines of my best friend's name as my body finally settled.
Manda left soft, chaste kisses on my neck that made me warm all over. Again, there was that incomparable gesture of gentleness from her that carried more significance to me than the sex.
"Was that good?" she mumbled against my neck.
"Mmm," I replied.
"That was for last night," she replied.
I wrapped my hands around her arms which were currently holding me up and she hugged me from behind. I tilted my head to the side so I could kiss the soft skin of her cheek.
"I love you, Manda," I said. At this point, I meant it in every way possible. I was done trying to veil my words behind the curtain of sole platonic affection.
"I love you too, Paiten," she said, her tone soft and tentative.
There was something melancholic in her tone and before I could ask her about it she said, "it's best we start getting dressed, we need to leave soon."
And then she was out of the shower. I stood under the warm stream of water for a full minute, my mind spinning with what had just happened before I quickly rinsed all of the wetness that coated my inner thighs and turned off the water.
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On the ride to the airport, Manda had her earphones in while she watched the scenery from her window. Her hand rested in my lap and she let me play with her fingers, her palm rested weakly on my lap while I listened to music too.
She slept on the plane ride home.
A part of me tried not worry about the fact that we hadn't really spoken since last night, much less about what had transpired between us in the past twelve hours.
I tried to tell myself that Manda was probably tired and that she didn't mean to be so withdrawn because we had to talk about this. I needed to know what this all meant – especially because I'd told her that I loved her.
I needed to know how she felt about me, I needed to know if it now meant that Manda was a closeted bisexual perhaps, or if she was lesbian or confused or unsure and if a real relationship was possible between us.
I knew I was getting ahead of myself but it was all in front of me: the magic between us had been undeniable and she'd sneaked into the shower and had made me come so hard I'd seen blinding stars. She hadn't needed to – but she did anyway and that had to count for something, right?
I assumed Manda would be staying over until dinner when we landed at O.R Tambo International Airport a few hours later.
It was only early afternoon anyway, and I thought we could spend an hour or so together and finally get to talk but I was surprised when Manda told me that her mom was on her way to pick her up and she'd arrive as soon as we made it to the estate.
MaNcube arrived at our house ten minutes after we'd gotten there and while our parents conversed for a few minutes, I helped Manda with her bags. She got into the passenger seat of the car and her window was rolled down while she waited for her mom.
"Hey Manda, are you okay?" I asked.
Manda snapped her attention to me and nodded, "yeah, of course. Why would you think I wasn't okay?"
"You seem out of it," I replied.
"No, I'm just tired is all," she said and ran a hand through her hair.
MaNcube started to walk towards the car.
"Well, I guess I'll catch you later," I said.
"Yeah," Manda replied.
"Bye Paiten, I hope and you and Amanda had fun," MaNcube said and before I knew it they were gone.
Manda had never acted that offish in front of me before and I was as confused as I was hurt. I truly hoped that she was really just tired and heartsick about Darren, perhaps and that there was nothing wrong with us because I wasn't sure what I'd do if her and I weren't okay.
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The last four days of the holidays passed in a weird limbo. Manda grew more distant and aloof with me to the point where she made excuses to avoid us meeting up.
Our texts were awkward and far in between and with each day that this continued, my anxiety grew worse.
I started to jog in the mornings and went down to the park to practice on my hockey skills in the afternoons. Those were the only things that kept my mind off of things.
On the day before schools opened, I was in my bedroom re-packing my clothes into my closet out of sheer boredom when my phone dinged with a notification. My heart took a dive at the text that lay before me:
Manda🖤: Hey I need to tell you something.
Pait👑💖: what's up? i never hear from you these days lol
I stopped what I was doing and I sat on the bed, anticipating what would come next as the 'typing...' appeared underneath Manda's contact name on WhatsApp.
Manda🖤: I've been thinking a lot and stuff and I just feel that it would be best if you and I just take a bit of break from each other.
Pait👑💖: wait, why?
Manda🖤: Dude, I just can't be around you right now, there's too much happening.
Pait👑💖: i don't understand : (
Manda🖤: I know and I'm sorry. I just need to do this.
Pait👑💖: what did i do to upset you?
Manda🖤: Look everything is just too much for me right now. I need time to just sort stuff out for myself, yeah? You didn't do anything babe, I just need to be alone.
Pait👑💖: what does that even mean? you've never needed 'space' from me before.
Manda🖤: It just means you need to let me be. I'll find somewhere to be during breaks at school and I'll sit by myself in Afrikaans and I'll be at home during weekends.
Pait👑💖: is this about what happened in Cape Town? Manda you don't have to ice me out because of that. maybe i came on too strong for you but it doesn't mean you need to stop being my friend. i'm sorry if I hurt you in any way but please don't do this.
Manda🖤: I'm so sorry, Paiten.
I hadn't thought it possible, but I tumbled into an abyss so bleak that I felt that I'd died a thousand times over after Manda and I stopped talking.
True to her word, she stayed far away from me at school and our texts had ceased. This hurt more than Anna's withdrawal from me because Manda was my best friend.
I lived from day-to-day without a sense of time. I did what was expected from me at school – attended classes, wrote my weekly tests and did my homework but I had no grip on reality.
I didn't care about anything. I'd cried all the tears that I could in the first week after the start of the third term and then after that, I was too tired to cry.
An exhaustion that went far deeper than my physical restraints consumed me. I was tired all the way down into my soul and no amount of sleep could fix it.
I found it harder to wake up in the mornings and even harder to get to bed and during weekends I'd spend more than half the day in bed, with no motivation to get about.
I told my father I was just stressed from school when he asked me what was wrong. I was tired of lying to him too, though. I was tired of everything.
Then, one August afternoon, a month into the third term my allowance came in on Thursday afternoon and on Friday morning I didn't feel up for going to school and my dad permitted me to stay home for the day.
There was nothing particularly wrong with me, but I didn't have any energy to deal with anyone that day.
The perks of having a father like mine was that he understood these things, he knew that I wasn't a robot and that I couldn't be expected to perform perfectly everyday. Sometimes I needed a break – so my father left me snuggled in my blankets that morning when he left for work.
By the time the afternoon had passed, I had washed and was in the sitting room playing my music on the Bluetooth speakers. I was in one of my mindless trances again, thinking so deeply about nothing that the hours whiled away.
When I went into the kitchen to get a snack, I opened the fridge and one of my father's bottles of gin stared back at me.
Without much thought, I reached for the chubby green bottle and examined it. I'd never had anything stronger than wine before and I'd only ever enjoyed it at dinners with my dad.
I had countless songs about drinking and taking drugs to forget in my music library but I'd never really taken their messages to heart before until I had this bottle staring back at me.
It promised an ease of pain, even if it was only temporary. My dad wouldn't notice if there was less alcohol in the bottle than when he'd placed it in the fridge, plus I wasn't hurting anyone by doing this – no one would ever have to know.
I walked back into the sitting room with the bottle and settled on the couch.
The gin burned my throat and my stomach when it slid down my throat when I took the first sip.
The second and the third proved to be pretty much of the same and even though it was awful I continued to drink, chasing that oblivion that all the songs and movies promised.
By the time I'd reached three-quarters of the bottle, my tongue felt thick and awkward in my mouth and my head was spinning but I was invincible and I felt no pain.
×
I crashed back to earth with a jolt. With a headache stronger than any I'd ever had, I checked the time on my phone: 22:00. My father's bottle of gin lay empty on the floor of my bedroom. Sometime in the day, I'd migrated here and had fallen into a drunken sleep. But now I could feel an unpleasant churning in my stomach and I sprung out of bed and ran to the bathroom.
I don't know how long I sat hunched over the toilet bowl, dry heaving until it felt as though my lungs were trying to slither through my throat and out of my mouth.
After the heaving came the tears; miserable hysterical cries that had no purpose either than the fact that I was drunk crying and unable to stop the pain in my heart. I felt someone's arms wrap around me and before I could panic I heard Anna's soothing voice and I felt her fingers in my hair.
"It's okay, it's okay," she crooned. At this point I wasn't sure if I was just imagining things but I reasoned that even if I was, I no longer felt alone.
Next time I woke up the sun filtered through my curtains. My phone rested on my bedside table along with a glass of water and painkillers. When I tried to check the time, I realised that my phone was dead.
After plugging it into the charger and waiting for the Apple screen to morph into my wallpaper, I saw that I had a text from my father. It had been sent hours before but I scarcely remembered using my phone past 18:00.
Dad💛 : Hey Princess. I'm sorry to have to do this over text but my work trip to Durban scheduled for next week was moved to today. I'll be gone for a week. Anna will be coming over to look after you and she'll be there around 19:30-ish. Love You.
It took great effort to roll out of bed and make it downstairs where I knew Anna would be. She was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fruit salad when I walked in.
"Hey, are you feeling better?" she asked.
I shook my head, "I have a headache."
"Didn't you see the painkillers I left for you?"
I nodded, "I just can't take anything without eating first," I replied.
"Oh, right, sorry. I should've left you something to eat too."
She looked like she'd stepped out of a lifestyle magazine. She was dressed in a gorgeous beige and red combination, her hair was neat, shiny and tied and her face was fresh and clean while I looked as wrecked as I felt.
"It's okay," I replied.
It occurred to me that we were having our first real conversation in over three months and it felt weird and awkward for me. I took the bowl of salad she offered me and went into the sitting room.
I ate alone and then afterwards I went upstairs to shower. I definitely regretted what I'd done last night, mostly because the hangover wasn't worth the few minutes of relief the alcohol had offered.
By the time I made it back downstairs it was midday. I was in the mood for some mindless TV so with a blanket and the DSTV remote I settled on the couch. I felt Anna's presence rather than saw her enter the room an hour or so later.
"What're you watching?" she asked me.
I had no answer for her because truthfully speaking, I'd been watching the movie mindlessly. I handed the remote to her and she pressed the information button herself.
"Oh, I like Nanny Mc Phee, do you mind if I sit and watch with you?"
"No, I don't mind," I replied.
She settled on the couch and a few minutes passed between us as the movie continued on in the background.
"I'm guessing you got your father's message," Anna said.
"Yes," I replied, without sparing her a glance.
As time wore on, we watched the rest of the movie in silence. I kept on feeling her inquisitive gaze on me, as if she wanted to ask or tell me something but she decided against it, I guess because by the end of the movie, she sighed quietly in what sounded like defeat.
I had no idea what her problem was. How could she be upset over the chasm that lied between us when she was the one that had created it?