Woopsiedoodledoo!
It's now or never so read, vote and comment all of you awesomeness! ^_^
***
“Is this the part where I say ‘You want to talk about it?’”
I turned my head to the side and looked up at a smirking Rupert. I was seated at the wooden chair in our front porch, staring at the night sky and thinking of the same person that’s been bugging my head for so long I can’t even remember when I started thinking about that person.
Wow, I’m confusing myself with my own words.
I just snorted back at him then turn my vision to the sky once again. I don’t want to talk about it, that’s for sure.
He chuckled sitting beside me, “A kiss for your thoughts then?”
“I’m quite sure it’s ‘A penny for your thoughts’” I snapped, glaring at him
He laughed, clutching his stomach, “Nah. I don’t need a penny. A new year’s kiss would be better”
“Of course you wouldn’t need a penny, you perverted-rich-red-Ferrari-owner” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Firstly, it’s technically my dad’s Ferrari. Second, I’m hot and desirable not a pervert and third, well, third... a kiss would still be better” He snorted, amuse smile on his lips
What the hell? The jerk Rupert is back.
“Did you come here to just annoy me?” I asked irritatingly
“No, I came to save the damsel in distress” He responded with a grin
I stared at him rising an eyebrow. Me? Damsel in distress?
Well, I wouldn’t say I’m a damsel but maybe I am in distress right now. I mean who wouldn’t be? After the whole Raf and his drunken state. Him telling me he had been successful protecting me from boys in high school then failing to do it when we entered college. Then him being so sweet lately. Not the sweet i’m-your-bestfriend-kinda sweet. It’s more like the sweet I-like-you sweet. Which is so next to impossible since he’ll never like a girl.
And it’s quite ironic since we’re not best friends anymore and that’s when he’ll act sweetly and kindly. I’m guessing he just felt guilty for saying mean and harsh words to me before I confessed my feelings for him. Maybe he just felt the need to be kind towards me to ease his guilt. And he had been too quiet recently. I’ve never seen him get mad at me but we didn’t see each other a lot lately but still, it’s a given that he’s acting abnormal.
This is Raf we’re talking about. To think, his my best friend for more than four years but I still can’t gauge everything he does. Most of the time, I keep on confusing myself on the acts he had done. I guess we’re both clueless on each other.
Then there’s his birthday party with his constant, never-ending unreadable staring. The exquisite present he had given me which I’m wearing right now, making my left wrist explicitly looked like a wrist of an elite like Christina. And I think I should stop thinking that bitch, it only makes matters worse. And of course, the surprise of the century... which was finding out the photo album with all photos of my hideous face. Like, what’s up with Raf? He did tell me from the start that he has a lot of photos of me but I didn’t expect it that he have a huge album full of my faces.
But I’m not gonna deny it. I’m sooooo touched and overwhelmed and giddy and jumpy and my heart flies to the outer space and landed back and did it all again. I’m that happy but my ever cryptic, pessimistic mind stopped me from continuing my fun.
Why would I be feeling happy when it would just be temporary? It’s like I’m deliberately volunteering myself with open arms the pain, torture and heart break that my feelings would bring. My mind told me ‘Scarlet, stop! Stop expecting... again! You know you and Raf? That won’t happen even in a million years, even when the black crow turned to white! What are you even thinking?!’
So yeah, that does it. After Raf’s birthday party, I actually made myself a true blood hermit. I didn’t got out of the house. Ruby practically begged me to get out of my room. I did but only walked around the house and moved like I’m some kind of a robot. My parents were so worried about me but reassured them that I’m fine. I’m thankful they didn’t try to budge and squeeze my issue out of me. And I’m very much thankful Raf didn’t try anything, but a little part of me was disappointed. He didn’t even tried calling or texting me which was good for my sanity but also infuriating since I missed the damn kid! Damn! I’m so bipolar!
Now, it’s New Year’s Eve and my parents decided we stay in our house and not go to New York Times Square to celebrate with other people. To my great luck, not!, they invited the Edwards... of course, Raf will come. I’m not even prepared for this.
I was upstairs when they came and my parents sauntered them inside the house. I was freaking nervous, to say the least, that I almost don’t want to go out of my room but Ruby threatened to destroy my books so I let her dragged me downstairs and face them. Pissing sister!
There he is... beautiful as always. He looked tired but still, his innocent handsome face caught everyone’s attention. Crap! I’m checking him out again.
Aside from the fact that I can see clearly the black shadows surrounding his eyes, he actually looked happy, or so I think. He was laughing with his mom then his eyes fixed on me, the smile on his lips faltered a bit and there goes his unreadable expression once again. What I would do to know what he’s thinking! And what’s with the look?! Is he mad at me? But why? I didn’t even do anything! The last time we saw each other, I was actually enclosed by his oh so cuddly embrace.
Scarlet! Snap out of it! Grrrr.
Shaking my head, I turn and walked outside thankful that Ruby didn’t try to annoy me again. I was trying to calm my breathing because my heart accelerated just by seeing Raf’s face. Then came Rupert bugging me. I didn’t even remember seeing him inside. Crap! I’m a bad friend.
I gazed at his face and stare at his blue eyes, same color as Raf, “Do I look like a damsel to you?”
His grin got bigger, “You can be the damsel and I’ll be your knight and shining armour”
“Oh please! Like you know how to fight you wimp!”
“Is that a challenge?” He threatened but smirking
I just chuckled then stared back at the sky, sighing loudly to calm myself. At least Rupert sidetracked my overthinking again.
“Life can never assure you anything, in every aspects of it” Rupert suddenly spoke in his soft voice. I gazed at him but he was also looking up at the sky with his solemn expression, “It’s not easy to forget about the things that hurt us but we will never be always sad and depressed if we know we still have the power to make things better”
I stared at him wide eyed but he still wasn’t looking back at me.
He said it like he had known what’s been happening to my life? Does he know? How?
“You sounded like Mr. Cooper” I mumbled
He looked at me with a frown, “Come on! Pfft! I’m hotter than him!” He pouted but still looked amused
I giggled on his expression, “I’ll let that slide since it’s almost New Year but I need a favour”
“You want me to sing” He bluntly spoke. It was not a question but his eyes were sparkling mischievously
I blushed ‘coz its true, that’s what I really wanted to asked.
He run a hand through his hair then smiled warmly at me, “You know the deal” He grinned opening his arms for me.
I rolled my eyes but I know my smile was evident. So I moved closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulders. He wrapped his arm over me placing his hand on my waist.
“Happy New Year for me” He hooted like a kid and I just laughed at him, “What do you want me to sing babe?”
“Anything. Your voice would always be soothing whatever song you sing” I whispered, feeling my cheeks heating again
“I know right” He answered smugly
“How modest of you” I snorted
“Stop talking woman or you won’t hear me sing” I can hear his playful smile on his voice so I just smothered my laughter and let him sing...
“Step one-you say we need to talk. He walks, you say ‘Sit down, it’s just a talk’. He smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through...”
Rupert would always know what to sing eh. And his beautiful voice would always calm me and his warmth may I add.
“...Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night. Had I known how to save a life...”
Rupert will always be my knight and shining armour but I’m not gonna tell him that. He would always be in the right timing. He doesn’t know but even in his own little way... he do save my life.
***
The night continued and past by in a blur. We all gathered in the living, tv open, waiting for the New Year to come and all of us shouted and count downed until the New Year finally came. We all cheered, heck, even jumped hoping we can still get taller. Then everyone greeted each other, sharing kisses and hugs.
I hugged my parents then Ruby then Rupert then their Mom and then the awkwardness came when I gazed at Raf staring at me with I don’t know, a hopeful look I guess. Sighing inwardly, I moved towards him and held my hands infront of him. The least I could do is to be civil infront of him. He stared at my hand, I was biting my lip because of nervousness. What was he thinking? Then his eyes met mine, his face... still unreadable. After seconds of our locked gazes, he placed his hand over mine and squeezed gently.
“Happy new year” He spoke softly
I was taken aback a bit, ‘coz in my heart, I really wanted him to pull my hand and wrapped me with his embrace but he didn’t and disappointment again washed over me.
You could have just hugged him first.
My annoying voice is so freaking maddening but I know she has a point. Ugh!
“Happy new year Raf” I greeted back with the same tone like his
He pulled his hand away quickly then settled on the couch not even glancing back at me.
What the hell?! I thought I’m the one doing the I’m-not-talking-to-him! But it backfired on me. I should be grateful that he’s doing it easy for me but why am I feeling a twisting at the pit of my stomach and that stabbing in my heart?!
The start of my new year seems very pleasing to me huh. Waaaaaaa! I bet I’ll be crazy by the end of this year if we keep up like this!
With my growing anger and annoyance, I excused myself telling them that I don’t feel well and darted my way back to my room as fast as I could. I don’t want to be in the same room with Raf anymore. It just makes me more... Argh! I don’t even know what I should be feeling right now!
I plopped myself on my bed, face on my pillow. I hold my pillow against me and screamed for a good ten seconds to ease my anger. Anger for myself, for Raf, for my parents because they invited him and for my life since its doing so great! NOT!
Before I could add more profanities, I yelped a bit when my phone vibrated at my back pocket. I seated upright on my bed, crossed legged then see who the caller was. Oooooh, I totally forgot about her.
“Happy New Year my ever sexy, beautiful, cynical, obsessed, depressed, old-maid roommate!” I heard Elina beamed over the line
I rolled my eyes even if she can’t see it, “Good thing your not here. You’ll be having a bruise on the start of a new year”
She giggled, “Aww it’s a grumpy Scarlet. It’s New Year, you should change that habit of yours. Anything you want to say?”
I would love to talk about it but I’m so not in the mood so I just sighed loudly, “Nothing. I’m fine. Happy New Year Elina” I tried to make my voice livelier
“You don’t sound fine. I’ll get all that pieces of information when I see you, m’kay? I’ll be giving your present when we come back at Uni. I missed you roommate!” She beamed excitedly
“You’ll get your present too, don’t worry and as much as I don’t like to admit, I miss you too Elina” I teased
She scoffed, “Like you mean that! I’m so awesome, all the college boys can’t even get enough of me so you should be privilege that you’re one of my few friends”
“Yah yah yah. I don’t want to argue with you at the start of a year” I grumbled. Elina and her addiction with college boys!
“Yah. And you shouldn’t be sulking at the start of a year you grumpy old hermit lady” She teased, giggling
“You sounded like my sister again. Oh god!”
“Still, it’s a compliment”
We talked a bit more, arguing more for that matter but she successfully lightened my mood. I saw a text coming from Mr. Cooper greeting me so I replied back with a smile. I should buy a present for him too, and for KD and oh, even for Rupert.
I lay down on bed once again, staring at the empty ceiling. Even if I wanted to sleep, my mind seem to like to think and think and think with the same person which really gets on my nerve! Why can’t I stop thinking about him! This is so obsession and it’s so abnormal! Argh!
I looked at the watch he gave me and saw that it was already half past three. I can’t hear voices downstairs. Maybe, they went home and my parents and Ruby were now asleep. I stared back at the watch, loving the feeling of it enclosed over my wrist. It was so sweet of him to give this to me. *sigh*
I’m thinking about him again! I groaned and stood abruptly making my surrounding swirl a bit. Damn orthostatic hypotension!
I needed a drink so I moved towards the door and opened it but stopped and stood stiffly, eyes widened when I saw two enchanting blue eyes staring back at me. His right hand was raised and balled into fist at the level of his head like he was about to knock. We stayed on that same position for almost an hour, I know I’m exaggerating again but it seemed so long, then I think Raf gained his sense first. He blinked repeatedly then dropped his hand. Then hung his head then looked up to face me again then run a hand through his messy hair.
Am I insane to think that was a confusing sexy gesture? Oh my god! I am crazy!
“Scarlet...” He finally breathed. He looked kinda worried and nervous?
I gulped the lump in my throat and spoke, “What do you want Raf?” I didn’t intend to but I sounded like I was tired of seeing him and I think he got my tone as he frowned
“Well...ahm- the thing is...” He groaned and cursed under his breath. I tried to stop myself from giggling, he looked utterly confused, like he has a hard time saying what he wants to say. Which is obvious by the way. But he’s too cute.
Scarlet!
I shooed my thoughts away particularly the cute part and stared at him trying to look serious.
“The thing is...?” I trailed, repeating his words
I saw his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He’s clearly nervous but the question is why?
“Scarlet...I―” He stopped once again then groaned, running a hand over his face
That’s it! This conversation will never end. As much as I want to see him, yes I admit that, I don’t want to expect things again and just hurt myself for being so whipped!
“Just go home Raf” I whispered with exhaustion then turned my back on him, pushing the door behind me but I was caught off guard with how fast Raf moved as he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me from behind. He lean his head at the side of my face then felt him tighten his hold on me.
I was paralyzed on my spot, my breathing staggered, my heart was hammering inside my chest and his smell wasn’t helping since it makes my mind go woozy. Why does he smell so good?
He wasn’t talking but he also doesn’t move. I want to asked him what the hell was he doing but my mouth was so dry and I can’t find my own voice. Why is he doing this? Why does he love to complicate things even when the easy way was just to let us be apart from each other so no one will get hurt? So I won’t get hurt... again.
Suddenly, I heard him sigh but his hold never loosened.
“Scalet... I...” He whispered, “I’m gay...” He spoke softly
Whoa! That’s not what I expected him to say. Totally unexpected!
That was so obvious so long time ago. Why does he have to bring this up when this issue was long gone? What was he implying?
Then it hit me.
Of course!
I felt the tear rolled down my cheek. Great! Just great! He really wants to this huh? Hurt and break me apart?!
“Bu―” He continued by I cut him off before I can really feel the hurt once again.
I pulled away from him then looked at him with rage, he looked confused, his eyes almost coming out of his socket
“Stop! Stop it!” I hissed, I don’t know if there were still people downstairs, “I don’t want to hear anything from you! I thought you’re a genius but why can’t you put it on your thick head, that I don’t want anything connected to you! So please! I’m begging you Raf, get the hell out of my room, out of my house and out of my life!”
I can’t believe I said that. Oh my god!
Raf stared at me, still wide-eyed as I was hyperventilating, then he’s expression turned unreadable for me again but this expression makes me want to look away but I can’t. He breathed heavily then without a word, walked out of my room. Probably, out of my life.
When his retreating back was out of my vision, I pushed the door lightly then slumped myself on the floor feeling very weak and lightheaded. I should be happy I already said what I said but why am I feeling this way? So hurt yet again.
That night, I cried myself to sleep feeling broken. I kept repeating to myself and making me believe that this is my choice and I should be happy with it. But I can’t deny the fact that I’m hurting, heck, I even thought I hurt Raf. I know my words were harsh but I have to do this, I need to.
I have no plans on getting up. Less than a week and I’ll be getting back to Uni again. I just hope the semester will be so busy for me that I have no time to think about him.
I was staring at nothing when I heard a faint knock on the door. I didn’t spoke but the person seems eager to face me. I was relieved it was mom, she smiled warmly at me then made her way to sat beside me.
“Breakfast is ready honey” She spoke motherly, not her usual active, shrieking voice, running a hand on my messy bed hair.
“I’m not hungry mom”
She gazed down at me, frowning, “You want to talk about it?”
There’s that question once again. Ugh.
“What’s there to talk about?” I asked in my croaked voice
“I’m a crazy mother most of the time but I’m not unobservant, stupid and deaf may I add” She sermon caressing my cheek
I gasped, sitting up from my bed, “You heard?”
“Felt, saw, heard”
I furrowed my eyebrows at her. What?
“You saw, I mean, last night?” I was praying she didn’t
“No” That’s a relief, “But I did hear it” Aww...
“Everything?” I gulped, leaning my head on the bed board. I’m still sleepy.
She just smiled then tucked a strand behind my ear. She’s confusing just like him!
“You love him” It was not a question but I didn’t try to deny it so I just nodded
“But he doesn’t love me” I whispered, feeling my eyes water again. No crying please!
“Oh honey” She held my head and hugged me sideways. I leaned my head on her shoulders. She stoked my arm soothingly. I’m really thankful I have my love ones especially my family, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have... That maturity has more to do with what types of experience you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated”
Classic. Hearing her say that screamed cliché hormonal teenage love story but what the hell, she has a point. So much point, I felt myself relaxed. I didn’t argue nor respond since there’s no point in arguing or agreeing. She’s quite right. Actually, she’s always right. That’s why I love her so much... and dad and Ruby.
“One more thing honey...” She continued, “Remember, true love doesn’t have a happy ending because true love doesn’t end” She uttured but with a tone I can’t make out. Like it’s a hint and she knows something I don’t. She leaned down and pressed her lips on my forehead, diverting me from my thoughts.
I don’t know why but what she said gave me hope. Hope for what? I have no idea.