*TRIGGER WARNING*
THIS CHAPTER DIVES INTO A MENTAL ILLNESS
THERE MAY BE PARTS THATS ARE TRIGGERING
Coral Gables, Florida📍
Zayn
Three days—72 hours, 4,320 minutes, 259,200 seconds. That's how many days have passed since Zayn found out he potentially has a child in the world. Three longs days.
That's also how much time has passed since he spoke to Brienna.
She's been reaching out to him, texting and calling him nonstop. He just hasn't responded. And his absence hasn't been intentional, he genuinely didn't mean to ignore her but he can't help it.
It's been a lot trying to process for him and it's taking an extreme toil on his mental health. He has completely abandoned his prescription medicine and has resorted to self medicating. He's been smoking multiple times a days, which would usually calm him down but nothing is helping. He anxiety is through the roof.
And the never ending calls from Brie, Amir, and his parents aren't helping.
Zayn leans back in against the headboard to relax but his mind continues to run rampant.
You're a deadbeat.
You have a daughter.
How can a crazy person raise a child.
She's going to know you're pathetic.
You're crazy.
This is pointless
What about you're daughter?
This is all pointless.
Zayn grabs his head and shakes it roughly, almost trying to push the thoughts away but it's like they just get louder and louder the more he tries.
Everyone's looking at you, they know.
They all know you're a failure.
His eyes dart around the room and suddenly he seem hundred pairs of eyes staring at him from every direction. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tries to drown out the noise in his mind but none of his techniques are working.
He stands up and starts pacing around the room in circles. His eyes are open but he's not looking at anything in particular as his eyes turn in every direction. The eyes in every direction he turns.
Don't trip over that.
Go get a drink.
You never gave your daughter a drink.
No body cares.
In the midst of his episode, he doesn't hear Amir knocking on the door or notice him watching through the door.
Startled by his cousins actions, Amir stands in the doorway and watches Zayn walk in circles with his eyes glossy. His hazel eyes never stray from his cousin as concern starts to settle in.
He's never seen him behave like this and he doesn't know what to do besides call his mom.
Amir slides his hand into the pocket of his hoodie and pulls out his phone. The movement catches Zayn's attention. Zayn abruptly stops walking and the two hold each others eyes.
"...You good?" Amir questions, concern written all over his face. His phone is in his hand, the contact of his aunt on the screen.
"Am I okay? I'm very thirsty."
"Ummmm."
"I'm very thirsty. Very thirsty. Thirsty." Zayn goes back to pacing in the circle and Amir continues to look on in confusion. All he can think is WTF.
Realizing there's something really wrong going on, Amir dials his aunts number. Amir brings the phone to his ear and listens to the annoying shrill of the call connecting.
(Sorry if the translation isn't accurate)
"Assalam u alaikum." The low voice of his Aunt Tricia speaks on the other end of the lines.
"Assalam u alaikum" Amir greets back. His Urdu is rusty and he'd rather skip all the formalities.
"Aap kaisi hain?"
Amir sighs quietly and backs out the room so Zayn won't hear him. "I'm fine Auntie. I'm worried about Zayn.
The once friendly energy immediately changes.
"What do you mean?"
Amir looks back in the to see Zayn still walking around in circles. The only difference is that he now has his hands firmly clasped together and a pensive look on his face.
"He's actin' real strange. Walking in circles and talking to himself." Earlier in the week he walked in the kitchen to find Zayn standing in front of the fridge, having a conversation with nobody.
He initially ignored it thinking he was just tweaking off something but later that day he saw him having a full blown conversation, hand movements and everything. At that moment knew something was wrong. Amir can barely hold a ten minutes conversation with his cousin but there was, having a whole dialogue with himself. Ever since he found out about Brie and her daughter he's been BIG tripping and it's becoming too much for Amir.
He's only got another week in Miami but Amir doesn't know how much more of this he can take.
The other end of the phone silent as Tricia takes in her nephews news. She knew her son wasn't telling her the truth. She knew he wasn't taking his medicine as he was supposed to. And she's not even there to help him.
Amir can hear his aunt and uncle on the other line speaking quietly to each other in their native language. He can somewhat make out what their saying but he hasn't spoken Urdu in a long time.
"Can I speak to him?"
Sighing, Amir approaches Zayn cautiously. He doesn't know what going on or if Zayn is dangerous or not but he's not taking any chances.
"Aye Zayn."
His cousin ignores him and continues to pace around.
"Zayn. Zayn. Zayn!"
Amir's now directly in front of Zayn, the only way he could get his attention. Zayn looks at his cousin with dilated eyes and notices the phone to his ear.
"It's your mom."
•
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Hialeah, Florida📍
Brie
Brie glides around the kitchen as she attempts to make breakfast before going to work. It's Wednesday so she only has to work at Forever 21 today. Her shift is 10-3 and it's currently 8 in the morning. Wednesday's are also one of the days Lani goes to dance.
She opens a cabinet in search of something to make. The cabinets are a little bare and she knows it's time to go grocery shopping but that'll have to wait until next pay day, after she pays the rent and Mrs. Evans. Even though Rj paid Brie's previous balance, but since a new month started, she needs to start saving so she can stay up to date.
It's a must that Lani go to daycare during the day while she and Gia are at work.
Pulling out a box of instant oats, she sets it on the counter and pulls out a small pot from another cabinet. Going to the fridge, she takes out the milk and pours some of the white liquid in the pot. She allows the milk boil before adding some of the instant oats, cinnamon, sugar, and vanilla. Brie stirs it and let it cook before taking it out and pour it into the small plastic bowl she already took out.
After placing the bowl in the fridge to cool, Brie goes to the fridge again and pull out a couple of strawberries. She chops them up and leave them on the counter to put in Lani's oatmeal.
After getting her daughter's breakfast situated, she washes out the same pot and fills it with water. She puts it it to boil to make herself tea. She always starts her day off with drinking some kind of caffeine to wake up for work. Leaving the water, she makes her way Lani's room to get her ready for daycare.
"Come on, baby, time to wake up."
Lani moves around and groans but sits up in her crib, rubbing her eyes. Lani pushing against her mattress to lift herself up. Brie helps her by lifting her into her arms and carrying her to their shared bathroom. The two complete their morning routine that includes - using the bathroom, face washing, teeth brushing and flossing, and taking daily vitamins. Brie loves the fact that they do this every morning. Life is already hectic and unpredictable enough so she does what she can to give Lani any kind of stability and routine.
After finishing their breakfast, Brie gets the two of them ready for the day. She first gets herself ready while Lani is occupied by the TV.
Since it rained all night, she knows it's going to be humid out so she dresses accordingly in ripped jeans, a white oversized graphic tee with her black and white slip on vans. She dresses the outfit up with some gold hoops, rings, layered necklaces, and a gold watch she bought off Aliexpress.
Moving onto the makeup, she takes the time to quickly and expertly applying falsies and brush her brows into place. She pulls off her scarf to reveal the fresh cornrows she did to herself last night on her natural hair. Brie swoops her baby hair in the directions she desires before getting Lani ready.
Thankfully she always packs Lani's bags the night before. Her dance bag, backpack, and water bottle are packed and waiting by the front door. All she has to do is get Lani dressed and head out.
"Come her crybaby." Brie motions for Lani to come to her. Her outfit consists of khaki shorts and white long sleeved shirt. She matching with her mom wearing her little checkered vans.
After dressing her, Brie sits her between her legs to do her hair— Lani's least favorite part. As soon as Brie picks up the brush Lani starts whining and twisting her body around.
"Khalani sit yo ass down. Mommy don't have the time for you to do all this today."
The young mom has been feeling beyond stressed and taking it out on her daughter.
Lani continues with her twisting and crying and Brie gives in. Instead of cornrowing her daughters long hair just like her own, she decides to put it in a side pony tail with her baby hair slicked down. Lani's hair texture is much looser than her own; it's barely curly, more wavy which Brie doesn't like. She's not used to doing this kind of hair. She struggles with finding styles, most times her braids unravel quickly because she doesn't want to damage it by braiding too tight.
Happy with the way they both look, she collects Lani in her arms before leaving out the room. Walking down the narrow hallway, she gets to the kitchen and grabs two bottles of water out the fridge and heads to the front door.
—
"Brianna, unless you have all my money I can't watch ha."
Brie sighs loudly, holding Lani against her hip. She arrived at the lady's house about 5 minutes ago and from the moment Mrs. Evans opened the door Brie could tell Mrs. Evans was on bullshit.
"Mrs. Evans, Rakeem paid everything last week!"
Brie has a lot of pride but she put it all aside to basically beg for Mrs. Evans to watch Lani. And it's not working.
"I can't do it." Mrs. Evans sighs. She feels bad for the young girl but business is business. She can't continue to watch no ones kids for free. "I told you, you keep on being late you got have to start paying weekly. I did you a favor watching her Monday and Tuesday but I need my money for the week." The older woman fixes the baby in her arms. She currently has Amore's younger brother, Tommie in her arms.
"Oh my God. Please Mrs. Evans! I have to go to work soon and Lani's already scheduled to be picked up from here for ballet. Pleaseeee, I promise I can pay you once I get off." Brie doesn't have any idea where the money will come from but she needs her to watch Lani.
Mrs. Evans simply shakes her head places the pacifier that fell out the babies mouth back in. The older lady turns around on her porch and open up her screen door.
Feeling desperate, Brie tries again. "Please! Let me call Rj and he'll come bring the money up!"
"Listen, you have my $175 tomorrow morning when you drop her off and dats it! I already told ya I won't watch her unless I'm paid in full every Monday! And make sure you stay on time from now on. I ain't gon keep on wit you any longer if not." Mrs. Evans states sternly.
Brie can hear the sound of Barney playing in the background before the door slams shut.
Brie let's out an exasperated sigh. She feels like marching to the door and banging on it until she lets her in. But she also feels like breaking down and crying. She can never catch a break.
With no other choice, she sulks towards her car and buckles Lani back into her car seat before getting in the front seat of her car. Rj took it to the shop for her and got them to start it.
"Why not inside?" Lani's small voice questions from the backseat.
Brie looks in her rear view mirror. "Mama's gon stay home with you today. And take you to dance, it's gon be fun." She speaks with enthusiasm. She's thankful that Lani's young and doesn't understand the situation that they're in. She only hopes that by the time she gets to an age where she'll understand, she'll have them in a much better position.
Lani squeals and claps her hands excitedly, "Yay!"
Still parked in the street, Brie pulls out her phone to call out of work for the third day this week.
"Forever 21, Ashley speaking."
"Hey girl, it's Brie. Is there a manager around I could talk to?"
"Hey boo! Yeah I think Karla just walked in lemme check."
Fuck! Brie thinks to herself. Karla is the daughter of the owner of her store and she also just so happens to be the store's district manager. She doesn't come by often but when she does everything better run according or Karla will get to bitching.
Brie sits still, nervously waiting for her to come to the phone. The radio serves as background noise and Lani can be heard humming gibberish along with the song playing.
Soon enough there's noise on the other end of the line. Brie briefly hears shuffling before the voice of her DM sounds off.
"Yeah?"
Brie is immediately taken aback by the tone and attitude she hears. Instead of getting upset, she tries to remain calm. She makes sure to smile she her voice doesn't match the way she's feeling.
"Hey Karla, I won't be able to come in today."
The line is silent but Brie can almost feel the hostility through the phone.
"Are you serious?"
Rubbing her free hand down her face Brie rolls her eyes. She's really not feeling this lil attitude Karla has going on. And it's sad because she actually likes the girl, she's a cool Puerto Rican when she's not nagging but her tone is making Brie wanna snatch her up.
She understands that it's her second day in a row calling out but if she doesn't have anyone to watch her child what the hell do they want her to do? It's not like they give her enough hours to make enough money to actually pay Mrs. Evans.
"Yes, my daughters-"
"I heard you called out three times already this week. Sunday, Tuesday, and now today." Karla reminds her. "And this isn't the only time you've done this. I'm looking at notes of you calling out and it looks like you're never even here. Hm..." She hums.
Brie scoffs at the petty remark. "Yeah, but I'on have no one to watch my daughter. I can't leave her by herself and I don't have no people that can watch her." Brie tries her best to explain her situation but she can tell Karla isn't trying to hear it. "But I should have everything settled by tomorrow so I can for sure come in Friday."
"You know what Brie? Don't even worry about it. You're fine. Don't worry about coming in no more."
Before Brie can even reply, Karla hangs up. As realization sinks sinks in her mouth falls open. She was just fired.
She just got fired.
•
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Coral Gables, Florida
Z ayn📍
"Can you pin point when you started feeling like this Zayn?"
He stares blankly at the lady in front of him through the blurry screen of his iPad.
He can hear her speaking to him and sees her lips moving but his body feel numb. Everything feel numb.
He finally took his medicine.
After a week.
"Can you tell me why you haven't taken your pills?"
Silence.
He doesn't take them because they make him feel empty. Emptier than he already feels. But not just empty. Empty and hollow and numb.
"How long have your pills made you feel like this?"
His pills have always made him feel like this. That's why he doesn't take them. He'd rather smoke.
"Do you think smoking marijuana is good for you in your current condition?"
Smoking is the only thing that keeps him sane. If he didn't smoke he'd probably end it sooner than later. He wishes he could smoke right now. He'd rather be high off weed than high off whatever fucking pills they keep trying to pump in him.
"What do you mean by "end it sooner than later? Are you thinking of harming yourself? Again?"
Zayn rolls his eyes to the ceiling. He'd much rather be laying down and smoking than doing this. He's not crazy. He's not going to hurt himself. He just doesn't want to take those damn pills. He's not crazy.
"Let's dive into that Zayn. Crazy. What does that word mean to you? Who told you that you were crazy?"
Crazy. A word Zayn's heard his entire life.
Primary school kids called him crazy. Secondary school kids called him crazy. His sisters called him crazy. His friends called him crazy. His parents call him crazy. Strangers called him crazy.
He's not crazy.
People treat him crazy. He's not crazy.
Is he? He sees things. He hears things. Sometimes he can't get out of bed. He can't think straight. He can't talk straight. He gets nervous around other people. He doesn't like to be around other people. Things happen to him that doesn't happen to anyone else.
He's not crazy, is he?
"You're not crazy Zayn."
Than what's wrong with him? All he's every wanted to be was normal. From a child, his parents told him that he was different and that being different was okay. But it wasn't. It isn't. He doesn't like being the spotlight. He likes to blend in. Being crazy makes you stand out.
He just wants to be normal.
"You're sick Zayn. You're very sick and the pills- the pills you take help you. They help you to get better. That's why it's important that you take them. Daily. As you're supposed to."
He doesn't want to be sick. He wants to be normal. Just normal. Like everyone else.
Will his daughter be sick too? He doesn't want her to deal with this. He doesn't even know if that is his daughter.
He wishes he could remember what she looks like but her face is a blur in his mind. He wishes he could just wipe it like a mirror but he can't. All he wants to do is see his daughters face.
But what if she isn't his daughter. What if Brie lied?
But what is she is his daughter? He missed a lot of time. She's three. What is he going to do? He doesn't want her to be sick.
"Let's rewind for a second. Daughter. You've never brought that up before. Who's your daughter?"
He doesn't know. He can't think of her name. He wishes he could. What kind of father can't remember their own child's name?
"Zayn, who's Brie?"
Zayn finally looks up at his therapist. He tilts his head back, scratching at his scalp.
"I don't want to talk about her." His voice is hoarse and raspy after crying for hours.
He watches as the lady scribbles on the notepad resting in front of her. He looks past her to the space in her office. He misses it. It was comfortable and warm and smelt like vanilla and cinnamon. He liked going to her office. He likes her too. She reminds him of the mom he wish he had. He likes her, being in her presence. Not talking to her.
"Are you in my mind?" He suddenly asks.
His therapist, Dr. Norwood, pauses, placing a fallen loc back into her bun.
"Why do you think I'm in your mind?"
"You asked about Brie." He whispers.
Dr. Norwood tilts her head to the side, looking at the young man with confusion.
"Zayn," She pauses again to make sure she uses the right words. "You do know that you've been replying to me this whole time right? You've answered every single one of my questions, verbally."
This time it's Zayn face that's covered in confusion. He doesn't remember answering. He doesn't remember opening his mouth and speaking.
"Zayn, let's try something different."
"I'm tired."
He's tired of doing this. He doesn't want to talk anymore.
Actually he does. He wants to talk about Lani.
"Okay. We can talk about Lani. Who's that?"
She did it again. She read his mind.
Instead of focusing on Dr. Norwood "reading his mind" Zayn dives into the topic of Lani.
"Lani's my daughter. I think."
There she goes again. Writing away. What the hell is she writing anyways? She's always writing. Probably about how crazy he is.
She puts her pen down and smiles at the young man through the computer screen. "Why do you think she's your daughter? You don't know?"
Zayn shakes his head no. He wishes he knew for sure. He knows he needs to get a DNA test. And soon. He's only going to be in the states for another seven days. He's needs to get on it.
"Okay. That's okay, a lot of people go through that as well. Have you taken any steps to figure out if she is your child?"
Feeling ashamed, he looked down. Brie has reached out to him but he hasn't replied. He doesn't know what to say.
He was so mad at Brie. He still is mad. How could she do that? How could she be so heartless? Heartless to make him a dead way by default? Heartless to raise a child in a broken home? Even though his home life wasn't perfect, he had both his parents.
"No."
"Do you plan on it? You only have a couple of days until you return to London, correct?"
He nods his head yes. He plans on figuring it out. As soon as possible. And if she is his daughter, she going with him.
•
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No excuses. But Im back!
-What's your thoughts on Brie? Sis is going through it! Lost her job and can't send Lani to daycare.
-Thoughts on Zayn? Zayn is going through it too! Whew. Lani's parents are a MESS! lolol