Here's Chapter 53 of Evening Star. We're almost done—only two more chapters after this one.
This chapter was truly hellish to write. I got lost in Edward's agony and had a difficult time keeping the chapter on track. But it's here, and I hope you'll like it well enough. It's my second longest chapter, over 4000 words again; the last chapter was 4400.
I only hope that I am doing justice to the characters and to New Moon.
As always, all things and characters Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter Fifty-Three: Party-Time
My birthday present to Bella, the disc of my music, continued to flow from her inexpensive CD player, lulling Bella into an uneasy sleep. I tucked her head against my shoulder, holding her tightly to my icy body while my frozen heart shattered into a thousand pieces. With extraordinary effort, I stopped my breathing and stilled my body so that my tearless sobs would not waken the sleeping angel I held in my arms, the wide bandage along the length of her arm pressed against my side in an attempt to soothe Bella's pain.
Bella's pain. My pain. All that we had possessed for the past half-year had fallen apart in a split-second tonight. It still amazed me that the simplest of movements—a mere paper cut—could conclude with my brother racing away into the night, driven by the searing guilt resulting from his loss of self-control and myself determinedly resolving to do the impossible.
I knew that the heart-deep agony of losing Bella was now upon me, just as Alice had foreseen...although she had not seen the simple slip of Bella's finger against expensive wrapping paper that caused the domino-effect of events that would now separate me from my beloved one.
As it was still her birthday, I couldn't bear to tell Bella of my decision—the only decision that could possibly be made in light of tonight's events. What I had feared the most had so nearly occurred.
And, so help me God, it would never occur again.
Never again would Bella Swan's life be endangered because of mine.
Never.
It was so clear a decision to make, but so damnably impossible to actually do.
How in the world was I going to leave behind this beautiful human girl? How could I let my one and only love—the love of my existence—live her own safe, human life...without me?
But I had to.
It was the only right thing to do.
And it would be hell...for both of us.
But especially for me.
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After all, the evening had started out so lovely. After Bella had finished her birthday pizza at her home, I had driven Bella's decrepit truck with laudable patience to our family's home. I had been a little worried about Bella's reaction to Alice's party, especially since Emmett had insisted not only upon attending but also on dragging a sullen Rosalie with him. Despite my concern regarding Rosalie's unaltered attitude of disdain toward my beloved one, Bella had taken the news of her presence tonight better than I had expected.
Then I had to ruin the mood, fortunately only momentarily, by asking Bella what she really wanted for her birthday since she had quickly quashed my brilliant plan for replacing her truck with a sleek, powerful Audi Coupe, the absolute antithesis of the hunk of junk she cherished.
Her reply floored me. Bella had looked down at her lap, twisting her slim fingers as she whispered, “You know what I want.”
Immortality. Riiiight. So not going to happen. I refuse to rob Bella of her precious humanity, of her beautiful soul. Over the decades she would grow to despise me for all that I had stolen from her: the restfulness and peace of sleep, the pleasure of enjoying food, the opportunity for growth and change, the ability to have children—in other words, her entire life. I couldn't be responsible for taking everything important away from her.
I simply wasn't worth it.
I sighed as I turned her decrepit excuse for a vehicle off the highway and onto our long, private drive, proceeding slowly enough to keep the ride smooth while wishing desperately that I had not changed the subject. “Not tonight, Bella. Please,” I begged her, not wishing to sour the enjoyment of her party with yet another argument over her desire for immortality.
Bella pouted, glancing at me sideways as I turned onto our long drive. “Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want,” she challenged.
At first I thought she was teasing. Then I glanced at her expression and sucked in a quick breath through my set teeth. Bella was absolutely, completely serious.
Damn it!
Not tonight.
A deep, angry growl burst from me before I could stifle the violence of my reaction. How dare Alice even consider giving into Bella's wrong desire to become like us? Why in the world would my sister even remotely consider betraying me in this manner? How could she even think about taking away Bella's human life and her pure, perfect soul?
No! It would not be! I vowed, another growl escaping, hopefully too low for Bella's human hearing.
But I rapidly became aware of Bella's glare after my outburst; my growl had not frightened her the way it would a normal human. If anything, she seemed even more determined to get her way...in any manner she could.
I took a long look at the beautiful, stubborn, wonderful girl who had given me her heart so unreservedly. Her color was high with anger, her eyes bright and focused on me unblinkingly. She had no fear of a spirited confrontation with a vampire...no fear at all.
She was amazing.
I turned my eyes back to the curving drive to our home even though it was not necessary for me to watch my driving. “This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella,” I declared quietly.
I could feel her eyes boring into my face as she objected, “That's not fair!” If I hadn't been so angry, I might have smiled at the childishness and innocence of Bella's response.
But she was right. No, it wasn't fair, I agreed silently, my teeth set together. It was not fair that this perfect human girl had to give up anything—everything—just to be with me.
It was the worst decision she could possibly make.
And I valued her life far too much to allow her to waste it on me.
As I parked her truck in front of our home, I had to suppress a smile at Bella's dramatic groan when she spied the pink roses and lanterns, the entire effect courtesy of my sister, decorating our front porch and steps.
Laughing at Bella's silliness in inquiring if I would appear in the photos she had taken tonight with her new camera, I had whisked her into the house and into the welcoming arms of Alice, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle, Jasper keeping a careful distance while Rosalie still sulked in the chair farthest from the front door.
Bella's eyes had widened and her face had flushed cherry-red at the chorus of “happy birthday, Bella!” as well as at the profusion of pink roses and delicately-scented candles adorning the main living area. The elaborate pink cake, the glass plates, more roses in a crystal vase, and a stack of silver-wrapped gifts topped a small table set beside my piano. Trying to comfort her and help mitigate Bella's obvious distress, I wrapped my arm around her waist, leaning close to kiss the top of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of strawberries and freesias that was uniquely Bella.
I smiled indulgently as Jasper and Emmett kept careful count of each of Bella's blushes throughout the party; Emmett had bet high and was hopeful of a win while Jasper tried to use his gift to calm Bella's blushes subtly enough that he hoped no one but myself would realize his deceitful ploy.
After all, any time I could assist anyone in helping Emmett lose a bet was far too enjoyable to resist....
Alice started directing the party, deciding wisely to have Bella address the most uncomfortable portion of the evening first thing: opening her gifts. Ignoring Bella's obvious lack of enthusiasm, my sister dragged her to the white linen-covered table beside the piano and boldly ordered Bella to start opening her presents.
True to form, Bella objected, “Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything--”
“But I didn't listen,” Alice interrupted blithely, placing the largest silver-wrapped box in Bella's hands. “Open it.”
Bella sighed, then a puzzled look crossed her face at the apparently empty box, a gift from Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. Ripping the paper away, she stared confusedly at the numbers and letters printed in black on the side of the large cardboard box. Still wondering, she actually opened the empty box while I and the rest of my family smothered grins, including Rosalie.
Bella looked up from the empty box to Jasper and Rosalie, not having noticed that Emmett had slipped from the room several minutes previously. “Um...thanks,” she said politely but uncertainly.
Rosalie snickered behind her hand while the rest of the family tried to conceal amused smiles; Jasper actually broke into a laugh. Sensing Bella's growing distress, he kindly explained, “It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it.”
Bella's expression of undisguised chagrin at Alice's careful subterfuge caused the rest of us to laugh musically. Being a good sport despite my family's over-the-top celebration of her dreaded birthday, Bella smiled too. “Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie,” she said sincerely, throwing me a grin, apparently realizing the reason behind my earlier complaints about her truck's radio. Then she raised her voice just slightly as she called, “Thanks, Emmett!”
And she laughed beautifully in response to Emmett's belly laugh from the front driveway where he was sliding the new stereo into place, having already removed the ancient stock radio which had only received AM frequencies. Her laugh was so lovely that I couldn't help but pull her close against me for a moment, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her forehead as Alice cajoled in an excited, high-pitched voice, “Open mine and Edward's next.”
For one more second I held Bella against me, basking in her happiness and her love.
If only I had known that moment would be the last moment of joy I would experience...perhaps forever.
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Lying next to Bella with the nightmarish incidents of the evening behind us, I didn't want to think of what had occurred next. Instead, I buried my nose in Bella's fragrant hair to ward off the memory of the horrific events—all of which had started with a single slip of Bella's slender fingers.
But the remembrances of mere hours ago descended upon me anyway, darkening my mood and binding my stomach in knots of pain.
A papercut.
All it took was a simple error of movement, the edge of wrapping paper against the fragile skin of her index finger, and a single drop of blood had risen to the surface of her skin.
The delectable scent of Bella's fragrant blood immediately permeated the room.
My roar of “No!” split the air as Jasper rushed at us. Attempting to protect Bella, I had flung her behind me, not considering the crystal-covered table standing between us and the piano in my moment of sheer panic.
Jasper had crashed into me, the echo of the collision of our stone bodies reverberating loudly through the room. Snarling uncontrollably, Jasper attempted to get past me again in his quest for Bella's blood, but Emmett seized Jasper's head under his powerful arm, headlocking the still-growling Jasper against Emmett's massive chest. Still struggling against Emmett, Jasper's wild eyes focused only on Bella.
Then the scent of her blood doubled, tripled, quadrupled in intensity. Once Emmett had Jasper in an inescapable grasp, I turned to check on Bella.
She had fallen beside my piano, her life's blood pulsing out of her arm with every rapid beat of her panicked heart. Overreacting as usual, I had thrown her into the crystal and glass-filled table, forcing her into the jagged shards. Dazedly, she pulled herself into a sitting position, paling further as she looked up to see far too many dark-eyed vampires staring hungrily at her....
Myself included.
Her blood smelled so unbelievably sweet. Unlike the last time I had seen and smelled it on the floor of that wretched ballet studio, the blood pulsing beautifully and fragrantly from Bella's arm was untainted by venom or morphine.
It was perfect.
And I wanted it with every atom of my being.
Then I saw Bella's eyes—her wide, frightened eyes. And the unmistakeable fear on her face brought me up short.
Immediately I held my breath.
It was the only thing I could do to save her life in this moment.
And I was not attempting save her from Jasper.
I was saving her from me.
Before I knew what I was doing, somehow, I was crouching in front of Bella to protect her from my family.
From my family.
Even now, while holding Bella safely in my arms on her bed, I cringed at the thought of having to protect my beloved girl from my very own family.
How could such a thing have happened? How could I see my family as the enemy when this horrendous situation was entirely my fault?
I was the enemy.
I was Bella's enemy even while I growled a warning at my family through gritted teeth.
I barely noticed Carlisle's calm voice directing us with quiet authority, just as I barely noted Rosalie's smug thoughts and Esme's apology for leaving.
Carlisle's face loomed in front of me. “Let me by, Edward,” he ordered quietly.
Still not breathing, I glanced about the room, searching for any residual danger to Bella. Emmett and Rosalie had wrestled a still-struggling and snarling Jasper out of the house, Esme apologetically on their heels. Only Alice and Carlisle remained, and the thoughts of both were calm and businesslike. Alice was trying to not worry about Jasper while she focused instead on Bella; she held her breath just as I did. Carlisle alone was breathing normally as Bella's quick, shallow breaths indicated her stress.
Carlisle's face pleaded with me. Edward, I need to stop Bella's bleeding and bind her wound. Please step aside and let me help her.
Reluctantly I nodded, straightening my defensive posture. Carlisle approached Bella, kneeling beside her and beginning to examine her wound.
Bella's pale face seemed frozen in shock, as if her every thought had been suspended. The only indication of her pain and stress was the speed of her heart rate and her breathing—breathing that if Carlisle didn't calm her soon would result in hyperventilation and the possibility of Bella losing consciousness.
Deep, slow breaths, Bella, I encouraged silently, uselessly.
Alice moved to Carlisle's side, a towel in hand which he refused, asking instead for his medical bag. While Alice ghosted upstairs to fetch it, Carlisle made a tourniquet for Bella's arm from a strip of the white linen cloth from the table which now lay across the thick carpeting, broken in several pieces from the force of my slamming Bella's fragile body into it.
I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseous at the thought of injuring her in this way.
As Carlisle tightened the tourniquet around her upper arm above Bella's gaping wound, I noticed her face turn a ghastly grayish-white, her eyes becoming unfocused.
I had seen her like this before; she was very near fainting, whether from blood loss or shock I couldn't tell. Perhaps both.
And both were completely my fault.
“Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?” Carlisle asked gently, trying to distract her from the sight and smell of her blood which was causing her to become light-headed.
“Here, please,” she whispered, swallowing hard in response to her own nausea.
Following Carlisle's directions, I carried Bella away from the blood pool that had formed on the white carpeting, a stark reminder of how close she had come to dying tonight. I closed my eyes for a split-second as I carried her fragile form, recognizing how very close she had come to death tonight.
In the home of my own family.
Shutting my mind to that line of thought which would not help Bella now (knowing that I could flagellate myself later for nearly killing my beloved), I took her to the kitchen table, seating her in a chair while Carlisle prepared to remove the glass shards from Bella's arm. I did not dare to take a breath for fear that I would lose control and injure her further, so I continued to clench my jaw in fear, fighting the insane yet extremely tempting desire to sink my teeth....
ENOUGH! I scolded.
I did not trust myself.
And neither should she.
Still paler than the average vampire, Bella glanced up at me with her round, brown eyes, frowning a little. Noticing my set jaw and refusal to breathe, she sighed, “Just go, Edward.”
What? She wanted me to leave her? It was probably best.
And not just for the few minutes it would take Carlisle to repair her wound.
I would have to leave her...forever.
Again I closed my eyes against the agonizing thought of attempting to survive without Bella. But wouldn't a normal boyfriend stay, at least until her condition was certain? I was afraid to leave her, though; I couldn't make myself go because I feared that I would never return to her. And I couldn't face that possibility now. No, not now.
I was so weak. Such a coward.
But I would stay. For her. I would support her through the pain of her wound, the wound I caused, being stitched together. I could do that much for her—hold her hand and comfort her through the inevitable pain.
I could and I would.
Using the last of my breath while attempting to ignore the inferno burning in my dry throat, I steeled myself to remain with Bella, muttering insistently, “I can handle it.”
I had to prove to her and to myself that I was not a monster who would kill her without a moment's thought. I would stay and allow the calm of Carlisle's ministrations to quiet me as he tended Bella, also allowing myself to spend every last moment I could with her.
Although she sounded irritated, I heard the undercurrent of concern—concern for me, the one who had just nearly ended her life, flowing through her words as Bella insisted, “You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help.” Then she looked up into my eyes with such kindness, such compassion, such love. “Get some fresh air,” she advised, searching my eyes for a clue as to how I was handling this turn of events.
Trying to mask my panic, somehow I managed to choke out two short words without taking in another breath. “I'll stay,” I stated tersely, hoping she would stop arguing. If I took another breath, I didn't know what could happen to her.
Filling a small hypodermic with a local anesthetic, my father, noting my breathless response, looked at me with concern. Are you all right, Edward? Perhaps you should leave, for Bella's safety. There's nothing to be ashamed of in the least. She's your singer; her blood's pull on you is powerful. Why don't you go check on your siblings?
I shook my head minimally, and Carlisle frowned before redirecting his attention to Bella's injured arm, lining up the needle to insert it into Bella's vein.
I looked away, my tenuous control already hanging by a thread, not wanting to be tempted any further than I already was.
Bella glanced down as Carlisle injected her with a local anesthetic before beginning to stitch her arm. Drawing in a quick breath that sounded more like a gasp, she looked away from Carlisle's action, muttering, “Why are you so masochistic?”
I saw Alice smother a smile at her remark, and even Carlisle's lips twitched once.
After searching my face once more, Carlisle entered the conversation following Bella's rhetorical question, ordering me to go find Jasper, Bella and Alice quickly chiming their agreement. Edward, I've got this. I've got her. But you need to step out and regain control. I can tell how close you are to losing it right now. Please, Edward. Go.
I narrowed my eyes at all three, not appreciating their teamwork in getting rid of me.
Edward, go. You haven't any breath left, and Jasper truly needs you. Please? For me? begged Alice.
Reluctantly I nodded, then flashed through the back door and out into the inky darkness of a Forks late summer evening.
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After I had jumped the river, I followed the scents of my siblings into the park. The night was unusually clear, my way lit by starshine and moonlight.
How I wished for Bella to be here with me, her beautiful face silvered by the moonlight. But such a dream, possible only moments ago, was now an utter impossibility.
My body raced on autopilot, dodging trees, boulders, following the scent of my brothers and sister.
In a blink of an eye, everything had changed.
And one very painful, soul-shattering truth became crystal-clear: Bella Swan was being placed in constant danger because of her proximity to myself and my family.
Jasper had almost killed her tonight. He had wanted to. His dark eyes, wild with thirst, had been completely focused on his rampaging desire for Bella's blood.
And I had almost killed her tonight as well. More than once. I had thrown her fragile form into glassware and crystal, causing the injury that Carlisle was now stitching.
Yes, now. While my father calmly repaired the damage I had wreaked upon Bella, I was running away from her rather than staying with her, holding her hand and comforting her. Any normal human boyfriend, even a poor excuse for a boyfriend such as Mike Newton, would never have thrown her into a table of glassware. He would never have wanted her blood with every atom of his being. He would never have to hold his breath in order to keep himself from killing her. He would never desert her while she was in pain, leaving her to cope with the one thing she feared above all else—needles—as Carlisle meticulously stitched her wound closed.
The truth became obvious: Bella needed a normal human boyfriend. Bella needed a normal human life.
She deserved a life in which she would not be endangered, time and time again, by roving nomadic vampires who sought to play cat-and-mouse games with her...or by a boyfriend who thirsted for her blood in ways that words could never express, and, in addition, desired her carnally as well—a desire that, if fulfilled, would most likely result in her injury or death.
Bella deserved a boyfriend who would not endanger her life on a daily basis.
Bella deserved a life in which she would be happy and safe, a long life stretching in front of her to fill as she desired: college, career, marriage, children.
And I would give this long life to her, despite the fact that doing so would cause me unendurable agony.
Even now, as this resolve settled into my mind, my heart, my soul, the pain was earth-shattering. Unendurable.
I was no longer Edward Cullen.
I wasn't sure what or who I was any longer.
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The memories stopped then as I held Bella against me in her twin bed, burying my face in her fragrant hair.
I would be letting Bella go. And I knew, deep within my dead heart, that leaving this lovely human girl would destroy me.
Okay, only two more chapters left in Evening Star. I am hoping to complete it before Breaking Dawn Part 1 hits theatres this Friday.
Then after a few quick edits, I'll have PDFs of Evening Star posted on my blog in early December.
Please fan, share, like, comment, and VOTE!!!! I'd love to know what you think. I only hope that I'm doing the story justice. Thank you for reading and commenting/voting!!! You're all wonderful!!! :)
--Cassandra, who is so far behind in NaNoWriMo that she will have NO days off for the remainder of the month....