I had a knack for making bad situations worse. It was an art I'd been perfecting since childhood. I didn't always quite know how exactly I'd make it happen, but without fail, I always did. This is not what I wanted. I just wanted to be able to feel safe again and provide my daughter with some measure of safety as well. Now not only were Harry and I miles apart, but he and Niall were barely on speaking terms.
Niall and I had always been so close. I never questioned my tendency to always call him whenever I needed something. He did the same with me. It was just how we were. I should have realized how irritating that was for Harry though. Sure, he was further away than Niall but Lucy WAS his daughter. I was stupid to think he wouldn't have felt like a third wheel in his own child's life.
Lucy's birthday was at the end of the month and I wanted her birthday to be the happy occasion she deserved it to be. With Niall and Harry at odds and Harry and I on opposite sides of the spectrum, how on earth was I going to make that happen?
She held onto my hand tightly as we walked through the mall. I looked down at her and smiled,
"Want some lunch, Baby Girl?"
She nodded, reaching up to point at the deli in front of us,
"Sammich."
I nodded and lifted her into my arms. We talked about the choices for a few moments when suddenly the dreadful feeling that we were being watched crept back up. I craned my neck to look around but couldn't see anything. Just normal patrons walking in and out of stores aimlessly. No one was paying any attention to us.
I shook my head, this was absurd. I'd interrupted my life, my daughter's life, her father's life and my best friend's life because of this stupid thing I couldn't let go of. And there was no reason for it. Niall was right, I probably was hearing things.
"Lucy?" I heard a high pitched voice say behind me. I turned around to see a few girls standing behind us. None of them could've been over the age of 15. It was clear they were fans. I smiled warmly,
"Hi, Girls."
The blonde one nodded and leaned over to her friend,
"Told ya it was them."
"Is Niall around?" One of them blurted out.
I laughed softly and shook my head,
"Sorry, he's at the studio...."
One of them let out a tiny squeal and I had to giggle to myself. Fans were always so much fun and always so interested in whatever the boys were doing. I could've said that Niall was at the library reading ancient Roman literature and they would've been mesmerized by it.
"Hi, Lucy." Another one of them said. Lucy smiled and waved,
"Hi!' She responded in her normal happy tone.
"Can we take a picture with you?" The blonde one asked. I nodded,
"Sure. Scuse me, Sir?" I asked a man walking by, "Do you mind taking our picture?"
He agreed and they all crowded around Lucy and I. They thanked us for talking and then ran off, giggling the entire way.
I looked over at Lucy,
"Good thing you're wearing your favorite shirt today huh?"
She smiled and leaned her head back on my shoulder as we turned back to the menu board.
I sighed. The feeling that we were being watched was gone. I had talked myself into believing that there was some imaginary lunatic after us when in reality it was just the fact that we were close to members of the most popular boy band on the planet at the moment and so we were always being watched.
I was an idiot.
-----------------------
Lucy's hand was held firmly in mine as we exited the mall. It was time to get home and start some dinner. I could almost guarantee that neither Niall or Harry would be coming over tonight. I was actually ok with that. It would give me and Lucy some much needed bonding time. I felt like I hadn't just sat down and had a night alone with her in awhile.
I looked down,
"What do you want for dinner, Baby?"
She looked up at me, her green eyes squinting in the sun,
"Can I have soup?"
I rolled my eyes. Of course she would choose something Harry had gotten for her. I watched as she reached her hand up and waved at someone. I looked up, unable to see anyone who she might have known. I looked back down at her,
"Baby, who are you waving at?"
"The man." She said without hesitating. I looked around again. Nameless faces passed by us but no one was even slightly recognizable to me. I knelt down in front of her,
"What man, Sweetie?"
She pointed in front of her,
"That man." I turned to look in the direction she was pointing.
He was standing at least 100 feet away from us. I had no idea how she'd even seen him to begin with. He was dressed in jeans and a ratty t-shirt. He looked to be about 40 years old, maybe a bit older. With a 5 o'clock shadow on his face. When he smiled as my eyes met his, every alarm in my head went off.
I turned and grabbed Lucy, pulling her into my arms and walking as fast as I possibly could to the car. I put her into her seat and buckled her in before getting in the driver's side. I immediately locked the doors.
I twisted in the front seat as I backed up, looking at her as she softly hummed with the music. I pulled out into the traffic lane in front of the mall. He was standing at the edge of the sidewalk now, a camera very prominently held in his hand.
The most awful feeling came over me. I looked at Lucy through the rearview mirror,
"Baby, the man you waved at, you've seen him before?"
She nodded,
"Uh huh. Lotsa times."
I shuddered, slowing to a stop at the red light that would let us out of the mall parking lot. I turned to look at her,
"Where?" I asked softly.
"The food store, studio, Uncle Niall's, sometimes cross the street....."
My eyes widened,
"From the house?"
She nodded,
"He takes pictures. He asks me to smile."
Panic set in. I was shaking so violently I wasn't sure I could drive. I tried to swallow but my mouth was so dry I couldn't,
"You've talked to him?"
She nodded,
"Lotsa times."
I turned back towards the front of the truck and hit the gas. I looked over at my phone, sitting in my purse on the passenger's seat. I picked it up and calmly tapped Harry's number,
"Hello?" He answered on the last possible ring before it would've gone to voicemail. I didn't blame him. I took a deep breath in an effort to control the shaking,
"I know you're mad....you have every right to be. But....I'm um....I'm really scared."
"What's going on?" He asked, his voice sounding strained.
"There's a pap following me. I'm pretty sure he's the reason I've been feeling so on edge."
"How do you know he's been following you?" He asked, his tone measured and I could tell he was trying to get control of his own fear. I cleared my throat,
"Lucy's spoken to him."
-----------------------
Getting home proved to be tougher than I thought it would be. I was terrified and convinced every car behind me was following me. I was also trying to make sure Lucy didn't see a bit of my anxiety. If I had my say, she would never have any clue anything was wrong.
When we finally parked inside the garage, I wish I'd have felt safe, but it wasn't to be. I knew this man was the one who'd been taking pictures of me at home. And the fact that he'd spoken to my daughter had me completely panicked.
When had she had a chance? I watched her like a hawk most of the time. But with everything that had been going on, I suppose I hadn't been watching as closely. I was filled with guilt. My love life distractions were putting my daughter at risk. I don't think I ever felt like a more terrible example of a mother since I became one.
I pushed the garage door opener to close the door, holding Lucy so tightly she whined,
"Mumma, ouch...."
"Sorry, Baby..." I set her down once inside, "Go wash up for dinner. Daddy's on his way."
She quickly plodded off down the hallway, leaving me to have a low level freak out in the front room of my house. I glanced at the wide open front window and shook my head. I had no idea how many things he had gotten shots of through that window. Thank God I'd made it my habit years ago to shut my blinds in my bedroom before I took my clothes off or I'm sure the Internet would be filled with nude pictures of me.
I bit my lip and contemplated getting one of my sheets and nailing it up over the window. I dismissed the idea once I realized doing that would cause Lucy to ask questions. Not to mention it would alert the man that I was on to his game.
I jumped when the front door closed and whirled around. Harry took two long strides towards me before I was in his arms,
"Are you ok?" He breathed. I nodded, burying my face in his chest while I desperately tried to hold the tears in. He pulled away and put his hands to either side of my face, "Em...where's Lucy?"
"She's washing her hands for dinner. I told her you were coming over."
He nodded,
"She's not scared then?"
"No. I didn't let her know anything was wrong. She has no idea."
"Good. Let's keep it that way." He blinked a few times and I could tell he was desperately trying to keep a lid on his own emotions, "Did you get a good look at the guy?"
"Yeah. I dunno when she would've ever spoken to him. God...." I whispered, "Harry, she spoke to him."
"I know..." He took a breath, "Alright, well let's get dinner started...and then we can put her to bed and we'll talk."
I stepped away from him just as Lucy emerged from the bathroom and came screaming down the hallway
"Daadddyyyyy!!!" She exclaimed as she launched herself into his arms. I watched as Harry smiled at her the way he'd always had. He cast me a knowing glance and then turned and walked into the kitchen.
I stared back at the window for a few moments. Was he out there? Taking pictures of Harry and I that he would sell to some tabloid for thousands but would end up sending our lives into turmoil? The thought of that happening made me want to throw up. This kind of shit happened to people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Why anyone gave a shit what I was doing was a mystery to me.
"Em?" I heard Harry's voice behind me. He gave me a reassuring smile, "You comin?"
I turned towards the kitchen and tried to forget all the different possibilities for how our lives were going to change.
-----------------------
Harry walked back into the living room after having successfully put Lucy to bed for the night. He made sure her blinds were closed before he left. I thought that once she fell asleep it would afford me the ability to freak out and lose my mind. But I was filled with determination instead. I was pacing back and forth, chewing on my nail as I tried to work out in my head exactly what I needed to do about this.
Harry watched me for a few moments. The look on his face was blank but I knew he was trying to gauge what my mindset was. I looked at him,
"What?"
"I'm trying to figure out what you're thinking." He stated simply.
"I'm thinking about what I need to do to protect my daughter from some freak with a camera."
Harry nodded after a moment,
"Right...what you need to do."
I felt the mood in the room change. His care and kindness when he'd first entered my house put me into a false sense of security in thinking he wasn't angry anymore about the fact that I continually called Niall for support instead of him.
"Harry-"
He put his hands on his hips and shrugged,
"I still don't rate when it comes to making decisions about my own daughter...."
"Look, it's just hard!" I exclaimed. My carefully constructed exterior of having my shit together was cracking, "It's just been me making these decisions for a long time....Lucy was my responsibility."
"And now I'm around and I throw a wrench into the program. I get it, Em. Believe me I do. I'm a nuisance and an annoying instance in both of your lives that you never intended on having to deal with."
This was hard for me. I hadn't ever needed to consult anyone about how to handle things with Lucy before. Having to consider someone else's feelings all of the sudden was more difficult than I expected it to be. I hadn't thought about that possibility when I'd finally admitted he was her father. I hadn't thought about a lot of things when I'd finally admitted that.
My shoulders slumped,
"Why can't you just see this through my eyes?" I pleaded.
"I DO see it through your eyes, Em. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me any part of what I just said isn't 100% right and then we can start having a conversation about why I'm still not consulted about anything other than birthday parties."
I fell silent. He was right. Completely and totally right. But I was neither in the mood or the head space to be able to admit that right now. I folded my arms in defiance,
"I realize that Lucy is your concern and since she's ok that means you can unleash your anger on me now....but I was also scared out of my mind today in case you forgot." I responded, my tone measured.
He took a few steps towards me, his eyes flashing with anger,
"You think I'm only concerned about Lucy? Is that what you think?" I was a bit shocked and took a step back. Apparently I'd struck a cord. He shook his head, his mouth set in a tight line as he glared at me, "I care about YOU, Emily." I winced when he said my full name. I hated it when he did that. He pulled his keys out of his pocket, "I suppose it would be too much for me to ask for you to spend a few days at my house until all of this dies down and we figure out how to handle it....." His anger seemed to disappear for a moment.
I stayed silent and then shook my head,
"If we left to live with you, Lucy would wonder why. I won't let any of this effect her."
He shook his head, half in disgust, half in bewilderment,
"I knew you were gonna say that. I don't even know why I bothered bringing it up."
I walked towards him,
"Harry-"
"Forget it, Em....it's fine. Do you mind if I take the guest bedroom then?"
I was slightly shocked that he was asking to stay but I should have known. He would protect Lucy with or without my permission.
"No. I don't mind."
-----------------------
I stayed in my bedroom the next morning until I was sure Harry had left with Lucy. I could hear him talking about breakfast with her and I didn't want to get in the way.
I'd spent most of the night replaying our conversation in my head over and over. He was right. Everything I'd been doing had been cutting him out of his daughter's life, even though I hadn't seen it.
What I didn't know was if I'd subconsciously been doing it on purpose. Had I been sabotaging things in the hopes that he'd give up and walk away? Leave me to raise my daughter alone? So then I'd be proven right when it came to his feelings for me? Proven right when I convinced myself that no one could possibly want me due to the ever present bullshit they'd have to deal with.
It was possible. I'd done worse to myself.
I just wasn't ready to face it. It would require looking inside myself and admitting that the only person to blame for Harry and I being at such odds.....was me.
I dialed Niall's number and put the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" Upon hearing his voice, my eyes closed. Niall would make me feel better, he always did. I rolled onto my back, my head buried in pillows and put a hand to my forehead,
"I can't do anything right."
He snickered,
"Did ya try to play that PGA game again without me? I told ya it takes skill."
I shook my head,
"He hates me."
"Who?"
I let my hand slam into the bed in frustration,
"Niall!"
"Oh...yer talkin bout that dickhead baby daddy o'yours."
"Niall...he's your friend."
"That's debatable right now, innit?"
"Look, I've made a lot of mistakes these past few months but I won't come between you two. Please....don't be like that with him. He's had a lot to deal with."
Niall sighed and I heard his Nutribullet turn on,
"Oh calm down, Em....Harry an' I will be fine. It's not the first time we've been pissed at each other. What's wrong anyway? Why ya callin' me at 9 a.m. bein' all weepy?"
"I saw a photographer yesterday....following Lucy and I in the mall."
"Really?"
"Yeah...apparently she's seen him everywhere....and she's spoken to him."
"Shit..." Niall breathed, "That just made me heart hit me feet...." I heard the Nutribullet turn off.
"I called Harry. It was habit....I just-"
"Em, ya don't need t'explain it t'me....unlike some people, I'm not a jealous asshole."
I fell silent for a moment,
"He came over immediately, no questions asked. He made us dinner and he put her to sleep. He was perfect....just like he always is."
"I'm waiting for the part where you tell me why yer so damn upset...."
"We had an argument...."
"There's a shocker....what about this time?"
"He thinks I'm not allowing him in to make decisions about Lucy. That I'm.....doing it on purpose."
"Well....are ya?"
"Maybe." I admitted softly, "He said that I think he's an annoying instance in our lives."
Niall scoffed,
"He's an annoying instance in everyone's lives."
"Niall-"
"I'm kiddin'....Look, Em...here's the deal. I know you're my best friend and that I'm yours....and we talk and all that." He sighed, "But I know how ya feel bout him...I can see it when ya look at him, when he looks at you. So eventually if ya want somethin' t'happen between ya....you're gonna have t'let him in."
I felt tears jump to my eyes. Even the mere suggestion of letting my guard down with Harry scared me worse than the photographer staring at Lucy yesterday.
"Niall-"
"Don't tell me ya can't. Cuz I know ya better than anyone....and you can do anythin'."
-----------------------
I spent my day looking at every face of every person that passed me in the street and constantly looking over my shoulder. I couldn't calm down no matter what I did. The feeling that I was being watched was now replaced with the knowledge that I was being watched and I was sure that photographer was around every corner.
It was driving me insane.
I finally gave up on the errand running and went home. I wasn't getting anything done anyway and it was wasting my time.
If I wasn't thinking about being watched, then I was thinking about what Harry had said. No matter what I did I was inundated by my inadequacies. As a mother, as a friend, as....whatever Harry and I were.
I heard my front door close and I looked up to see Harry walk in with Lucy in his arms. She wriggled free from his grasp and ran towards me, yelling about her day. Harry watched her in amusement, but the moment his eyes met mine all the enjoyment drained out of his face. I felt my heart sink.
I looked down at Lucy,
"Go put your stuff away. We're gonna have dinner soon."
Lucy ran past Harry, slapping him a high five and exited the kitchen.
I looked down at my mug of tea. I couldn't face him anymore. It was too heart breaking. He was disappointed and he had a right to be.
He took a breath,
"I need to do some things at the studio tonight...so I'll be gone until late. If you want me to come back when I'm done-"
"You don't have to." I interrupted.
I knew he was angry at my response without even looking at him but he didn't respond. He just waited. I let my hands fall to my thighs and I rubbed them back and forth on my pajama pants.
I needed to stop this. Niall was right. If there was any hope of Harry and I ever getting to another level in our relationship then I needed to let him in.
I pulled my lips into my mouth and moistened them.
"If you could please come back and stay with us...." I let my sentence trail off.
That seemed to be enough for Harry. He nodded,
"I'll come back then. Won't be till like 10:30 or 11....I'll use my key if you're asleep."
I looked up at him. The disappointment had dwindled some. He smiled back at me weakly and turned to walk out of the house.
-----------------------
Lucy giggled happily while she splashed around in the tub. I shook my head when some of the water splashed up and hit me. When she was happy, I found it hard to be so melancholy with her smiling face looking up at me. While most children screamed when having to take baths, Lucy reveled in it. She would splash and giggle and play with her toys for hours if I'd let her. And when we were done, she insisted on combing through her own hair.
I was standing behind her, watching her comb through her hair in the mirror while she sat on the counter indian style. I studied her face closely. I always knew she looked just like her father, but looking back at her now, it had never been more obvious. Her green eyes sparkled and danced as she laughed, just like his did. Her puffy pink lips curled when she said certain words, just like his did. Her jaw was prominent and sharp, rounding out her oval face perfectly, just like his did.
The only resemblance to me at all was her tiny nose. I was nowhere to be found on her face at all. I couldn't help but be happy about that. It's not that I thought I was ugly, I didn't. But looking like her father filled me with a weird sense of pride.
She set the brush down and looked at me through the mirror,
"Ice cream?"
My mouth fell open in mock astonishment,
"Lucy Granger...we don't have any ice cream in this house."
She giggled,
"Mumma...."
I put my finger to my mouth,
"Shhh...remember it's a secret." Lucy turned to wrap her arms around my neck and I carried her to the kitchen. I set her in her chair. Lucy turned towards the table and sang to herself softly while I prepared her bowl of ice cream. I smiled as I listened. One thing was for sure, she was hell bent on following in her father's footsteps.
I turned to open the drawer and grab a spoon when I saw a dark figure walking along the sliding glass door just behind where Lucy was sitting. And then the alarm sounded in the house.
I hadn't felt the bowl slip out of my hand until I heard it crash to the ground. Lucy jumped and looked over at me.
I watched as the figure walked along the windows again, clearly trying to vacate the premises now that the alarm was going off. I was unable to get air into my lungs the fear was so intense. I walked towards Lucy after getting a grip on myself and pulled her into my arms,
"C'mon....let's go play a game."
Lucy looked around nervously,
"Mumma?"
"It's ok, Baby....ignore the sound. Let's play a game ok?"
She nodded still a bit apprehensive but it was clear that if I was ok then she'd be ok.
"What game?"
I grabbed her teddy bear and my phone and made my way into my bathroom, careful not to alarm Lucy. I closed the bathroom door and locked it.
"It's the quiet game, Luc....I want you to stay as quiet as possible. The longer you stay quiet, the more prizes you get. Ok?"
She nodded,
"Ok!" She yelled out. I jumped slightly and put my finger to my lips,
"Shhhhh..." Lucy nodded gently and looked down at her teddy bear.
I grabbed my phone and dialed the police. They answered quicker than they had before.
"What's your emergency?"
"Someone's on the grounds of my house." I responded as I turned away from Lucy and lowered my voice.
"You've seen them?"
"Yes." I answered, focusing on keeping my voice calm. I heard her talking to someone over a radio. She was sending someone to my address.
"Stay on the line with me until they get there ok?"
I nodded,
"I will."
I glanced over at Lucy. She was still calm for the moment and if I had anything to say about it she would stay that way.
-----------------------
Lucy was still happily playing with her teddy bear next to me on the bathroom floor. I had at least succeeded in making sure she had no idea how terrified I was. The last 2 minutes since I'd called the police seemed like it had lasted forever. Every sound I heard sent dread through my body. God, I just wanted to be able to protect my little girl from all of this.
I couldn't believe I was sitting on my bathroom floor, praying to a God I wasn't sure existed to save my daughter and I from some deranged lunatic outside my house. What the hell had happened to my life?
I heard a knock on the door and I froze. I stood up, half expecting the door to come crashing in. I reached down to Lucy,
"C'mere baby." I whispered. She seemed to sense the urgency in my voice as the smile wiped from her face. She scrambled into my arms,
"Mumma?" She whimpered, cuddling into my chest.
"Em? Em, it's me....open the door. Please." Harry's voice came through the distressed wood of the door loud and clear. I closed my eyes, breathing out a sigh of relief.
I unlocked the door and fell into his waiting arms. His arms closed around Lucy and I with a death grip, holding us both against his chest. I started to cry, burying my face into his chest and turning away from my daughter so she couldn't see. All of the fear of the past few minutes came pouring out of me in tears.
I could hear Lucy softly asking Harry if I was ok. He assured her I was fine and kissed her cheeks.
"Sir?" A voice I didn't recognize filled the room and my ears but I still didn't move. I was clutching onto Harry like my life depended on it. I could feel him twist his neck around to look at whoever had called out to him, "We found him hiding in the bushes in the neighbor's yard. From the looks of it, he'd hidden there before."
Harry nodded,
"Thank you."
"He's been arrested, we're taking him to the station. If the young lady could come down sometime in the next 24 hours to give her statement...."
"Sure. We'll make sure to get down there tomorrow."
Harry took Lucy from me and set her on my bed. Lucy returned to playing with her teddy bear for the moment. He made sure she was settled before he turned back to me. He put his hands to my face and bent over slightly to look me in the eyes,
"Hey....look at me. I got here as fast as I could." He wiped the tears under my eyes with the pads of this thumbs while I pulled my sweater around me tighter. I folded my arms over my stomach, "Everything's ok. It was just a photographer."
I looked at him, tears still pouring down my cheeks,
"How did you know?" I choked out.
Harry held his phone up to show the same text message I'd received when the alarm went off. I looked up at him, "But..."
"When they installed the system I had them attach it to my number too. Just in case."
My eyes darted between his eyes and his phone screen a few times. I didn't have the mindset to process what he'd just told me at the moment so I tucked it away in my memory for later.
"I saw him run past the window in the kitchen....right past where she..." I broke down again, a new wave of tears choking my throat.
The look on his face made me feel like I wasn't so alone. He nodded,
"I'm gonna take you both home with me tonight ok? And you can stay there as long as you like. It's out of the city and paps can't get anywhere near the house.....you'll be safe, I swear." He held my eyes with his, "I'm not gonna let anything happen to either one of you. I promise."
I nodded, dissolving into another round of tears while he wrapped his arms around me again,
"Emily!" I heard Niall's voice bellow through the house and I looked up. He rushed into the room, his eyes falling on a 100% safe and happy Lucy on the bed and then looking over to me in Harry's arms. He walked towards me with his arms out and I momentarily left the safety of Harry's embrace to hold onto Niall, "Oh thank God....I was so scared. Didn't know what t'hell I was gonna walk intah." He pulled away to look at me, "Ok?"
I nodded,
"Just scared....how did you-"
"I called him." Harry interrupted before I finished my question.
I looked over at him. I never expected to gain a whole new respect for Harry or that it would happen on a night when I'd been too terrified to function. But knowing he called Niall even though the two of them had been at odds the past couple of days, reminded me that Harry would always put me and how I felt first, regardless of how he felt.
Niall nodded,
"Screamin' at me t'get me arse in my truck and meet him here....Just about shit me pants." He pulled away from me, "Lucy wasn't scared?"
I shook my head,
"I told her it was a game. She didn't have any idea."
Niall breathed another sigh of relief. He walked over to Lucy. She giggled when he leaned forward to kiss her all over her face. He slid his hands onto his hips,
"All that commotion....feel like I need a nap."
I walked towards my closet and grabbed a bag,
"I'll get some stuff packed."
Niall stopped,
"Why? Where ya goin'?"
I cast Harry a quick glance and turned back to my closet,
"Harry's."
Niall nodded,
"Best idea I've heard in awhile." He looked over at Harry, "If ya wanna go pack Diz's stuff....I'll stay here with this one."
Harry nodded,
"Sounds good. Thanks, Buddy." I watched them fist bump out of the corner of my eye and a whole different feeling of relief washed over me.
I didn't know what Harry and I were gonna do or if we would ever be able to get past this part of our relationship. But at least he and Niall were back to being friends.