SOBRANG FILLER NITO. Back to regular programming sa Chapter 52!
PS: Marisse x Zade talk is everything lol
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Chapter 51: The One With The Girl Talk
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"So.. what happened next?"
Ms. Marisse stared at me expectantly, eyes full of excitement. Mas humigpit pa ang pagkakayakap niya sa throw pillow habang hinihintay niya akong sumagot. Shit, ano pa bang sasabihin ko!? Ni hindi ko pa nga maprocess nang maayos yung nangyari kanina eh. Sure ba si Ms. Marisse na may naintindihan siya sa sinabi ko? May sinabi nga ba ako?
Nang pagtaasan na niya ako ng kilay, pinagpatuloy ko na ang kwento ko. "So... ayun nga po. I.. I told him that I love him. Then.. he just stared right back at me. For a second there nangmukha siyang isang nakanganga sa 'kin, and I therefore conclude na unflattering angle 'yon kay An--"
"Zades, tangent!" she all but shouted, blinking and shaking her head, trying to follow.
"Yes! Sorry. Um.. so.. Ayun nga po. Nakanganga lang siya sa 'kin for like two minutes? Wala naman akong masabi kasi nagulat ako sa tingin niya sa 'kin."
"Paanong tingin?"
Taking a deep breath, I said, "He stared at me as if I was what he wanted most and what he feared the most. It was... weird and unsettling."
"You don't know that I love you, Andreau."
Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano bang dapat kong maramdaman nung tinignan ako ni Andreau nang gano'n. Parang.. hindi siya makapaniwala na sinabi ko 'yon sa kanya, na talagang hinintay pa niya kung punchline ba 'yon o seryoso ako. I wasn't offended, though. Kung sa 'kin din naman mangyari ang ginawa ko sa kanya, malamang magtataka at magugulat din ako. Pero.. iba yung kanya eh. Imbis na marelieve siya.. parang mas lalo pa siyang naguluhan sa sinabi ko.
It took me awhile to catch my breath. "Andreau.. I love you," I managed to say in a steady voice. Napalunok na lang siya. "Hindi na 'to yung I love you dahil sa sobrang saya ko or I love you dahil ikaw ang best friend ko. I love you. Like I'm seriously in love with you. I'm saying this because I couldn't keep it in anymore. For once in my life hindi ko alam kung paano 'to sasabihin kasi ang dami kong nararamdaman ngayon at gusto kong maayos kong mapaliwanag sa 'yo lahat.. But all I could say now is.. I love you. I really do."
His shoulders had loosened up a bit after that. Medyo nag-alinlangan pa nga ako. Sincere ba ang pagkakasabi ko sa kanya? Tunog joke ba? Dapat siguro hindi ko muna sinabi, ano? Para nakapagpractice pa ako? Ano nang mangyayar--
Then doon lang nagregister sa 'kin ang nangyari sapast 10 minutes nitong usapan namin:
He took my "I'll always choose our friendship over a romantic relationship" way too seriously.
He (indirectly) told me that he's... in love with me. (Note to self: itanong kung kailan??)
He (clearly) believed that I won't ever fall in love with him.
I (finally) told him I love him, not in the way and situation I'd previoulsy imagined (but what the hell)
Oh shit. Nagconfess na ako sa kanya. I'm running out of mild expletives to use.
What's with us and timing, anyway? Sabi nga niya kanina, timing was never on his side. Gano'n din ata sa 'kin. This wasn't the timing I was aiming for.. but it felt so right. So screw timings na ba ang motto ko ngayon?
Ang tagal din naming tahimik ni Andreau, and frankly, I was amazed na kaya niyang matulala nang matagal and with minimal blinking. Talent kaya niya 'yon? I really don't know. At least gumaan ang atmosphere namin, or maybe it was just me. We feel something for each other. Knowing that made me feel so much better and scared at the same time.
This is.. really happening, right?
I couldn't stand the silence anymore (and also naiihi na ako) so I spoke up.
"Andreau.. We're both tired and sleep deprived. I know na ayaw mong matatapos ang araw natin na magkagalit tayo pero I think.. I think we need to spend some time off from each other. To.. to.. think about the things we've said to each other," I paused, taking a deep breath. "They're quite heavy to take in so.. ayun. May buong Holy Week tayo para pag-isipan lahat ng 'to."
He blinked a few times then turned to me, lips curling up at the corners. Shit, he's okay. Somehow. That's a good sign. "But.. I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Kung anumang mangyari after nating mag-isip next week.. I'll always be your friend. My feelings for you won't change."
Nagsalita lang siya noong malapit na ako sa front door. "My feelings won't change either, Zades."
Muntik na akong himatayin sa labas ng pinto niya after that.
"Hmm," Ms. Marisse let out a noncommital sound after I told her what happened earlier. "Then the next thing happened was me seeing you so pale outside my front door, am I right?"
I nodded sheepishly. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit umakyat pa ako rito kina Ms. Marisse. Sa dorm na dapat ako pupunta kaso ang dami kong feelings at kailangan kong ilabas 'yon. Baka magwala ako mamaya sa kwarto eh. "Sorry po kung naabala ko kayo, Ms. Marisse. Masyado lang akong naloka sa mga ganap kanina."
"Ano ka ba, Zades! Wala 'yon! You know me, I live for this kind of stuff," she chuckled. "So.. bothered ka pa rin doon sa tingin niya sa 'yo?"
"Yeah. Ewan ko kung bakit. Maybe mali lang ako ng pagkakainterpret sa tingin na 'yon. As if I scared the shit out of him."
Shaking her head, Ms. Marisse laughed. "Oh goodness. You have no idea, Zades."
"Huh?"
"You did scare him, Zades. Ay no, scared's too weak to describe him. You terrified him."
Ugh. Not that word again! "Bakit ba laging terrified? Masyado namang heavy 'yon! Ilang beses na rin niyang sinabi sa 'kin yan. Akala ko nagpapa-impress lang siya sa alam niyang synonyms."
"Totoo naman kasi, Zades. Terrified's the right word. Andreau can be OA at times pero I agree on this one."
"But.. why? What did I do?"
She suddenly turned serious. "Better if you ask him personally. It's not my story to tell anyway." A pause, then, "In my point of view ha. If you could only see the way he looks at you everytime, Zades. It's like he sees the sun for the first time. Naku, sasabihin ni Andreau na OA 'to pero Mars will agree with me on this one."
"Really?" I let out a nervous laugh. "If that's the case then I could blind him? You know, kapag tumingin ka sa sun direc--"
"Silly girl! Ang ibig sabihin ko lang do'n.. Na you lightened up his world. Yeah I know, it's so corny. Pero kung nakilala mo lang si Andreau dati pa.. I think mag-aagree ka rin sa 'kin."
"So you're saying he's in the dark before I came into his life?" I joked.
"Super."
Okay, I wasn't expecting that.
"Andreau's a quiet child," Ms. Marisse continued with a small smile. "Observant, serious. Parang hindi nga siya naging bata eh. Thank God he has Roldan and Ninna at nabalance nila ang childhood ni Andreau. Ni hindi nga kami close nung bata yan. Sina Ate lang talaga ang kinakausap niya before. I'd tried everything just to be the cool aunt for him pero nah, wala lang sa kanya. Then the.. accident happened.
"Did you know where we found Andreau after his parents' funeral?" she asked me, and I shook my head in reply. "Grabe tarantang-taranta kami no'n kasi akala namin naglayas na siya. He didn't cry much during the entire wake. Bilib nga ako sa pagpipigil niya ng luha no'n. My god, he's just 11 at that time. Hindi ko naman siya pinagbawalan na umiyak no'n. Ako nga, with uhog and all na. Siya.. he just quietly sat there with this unreadable expression on his face.
"Ayun nga. Pagkauwi namin sa bahay nila, we found him asleep under his parents' bed. He'd cried himself to sleep," she stopped for a moment to wipe the tears off her eyes. "Sorry, forever hugot ko 'yon, Zades. Kapag kailangan kong umarte inaalala ko lang 'yon then hindi na ako tumitigil kakaiyak."
Ms. Marisse handed me a box of tissue, at doon ko lang namalayan na naluha na rin ako. God, that's so heartbreaking. Imagination ko pa lang 'yon ah. Paano pa kaya kung nakita ko 'yon nang personal?
"We had.. a rough relationship. Magkaiba kasi kami ng mourning process. Ako, todo iyak as if ako yung naulila. Siya.. dinaan niya sa panonood ng kung anu-anong movies. Alam mo bang dahil kay Andreau kaya ayaw ko sa movie na Armageddon? Sino ba namang hindi mauumay sa I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing? Believe me, ilang beses ko na siyang ginustong sukuan no'n. I was just.. 26. Ano bang alam ko sa pagpapalaki sa bata? Sinubukan naming magpatherapist, grief counselor whatever. Didn't work. He's too stubborn. So nauwi kami sa acting workshops."
"You were the one who introduced him to acting?" I gasped.
"Yeah. Well, more of I forced him to acting. I know, sobrang foul no'n pero mas okay na may iba siyang outlet other than busting our VCD player. Nakatatlong VCD player kaya kami no'n dahil 24/7 siya kung manood ng movies!
"He didn't like acting at first. Nagskip pa nga siya ng ilang workshops bago niya nagustuhan. Never ko namang inimagine na mag-aartista yan eh. Kaya ko lang naman pinagworkshop para mailabas niya ang emotions niya. Sobrang longshot lang no'n, promise. Then nadiscover siya sa isang fastfood commercial. Then Tristan and Waiting Shed happened. Medyo nag-improve ang relationship namin no'n, especially nung dumating si Tristan. Maayos na kaming mag-usap, kahit paano nag-eexplain siya ng feelings. The likes.
"Then you came into our lives," a fond smile appeared on her lips. "Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan yung araw na pumunta siya rito na dala yung mga tuyo na galing sa lola mo, Zades. Gulung-gulo at takot na takot siya. Akala ko nga sapilitang binenta sa kanya yung dala niyang dried fish eh!"
Oh god, this is embarrassing. Kinuwento niya kay Ms. Marisse yung backpack incident!?
"Nag-alala ako no'n, akala ko kung ano na nangyari sa kanya. Doon ko lang siya ulit nakita na takot eh. When I'd asked him about it..ang sinabi lang niya sa 'kin? I don't know what to do, Marisse.
"Sobrang kinilabutan ako nung sinabi niya 'yon, Zades. Sa tagal naming magkasama that was the first time na sinabi niya 'yon. You know Andreau, he has Plans A to Z for everything. Planado niya ang buhay niya for the next 10 years! I mean, who does that? 19 years old lang siya no'n! He doesn't like being blindsided. Tapos suddenly hindi niya alam ang gagawin niya. Ang sama ko ba kung natuwa akong makita na naguguluhan siya? He's trying to make everything perfect.. and because you hit him with your humongous backpack."
ANONG IRE-REACT KO RITO, HA? THIS IS TOO MUCH.
"So.. there. I don't know if may sense sa 'yo lahat ng sinabi ko. Parang nagrant lang ako sorry. I.. gusto ko lang magthank you sa 'yo, Zades. Dahil sa 'yo naging close kami ni Andreau at kahit paano nag-oopen up siya sa 'kin about his feelings. Thank you for being there for him and understanding him more than we could. I really don't know how you do it. Until now namamangha pa rin kami ni Mars na ang dali mong nakuha ang loob niya. You balanced him out, Zades. You got him out of his comfort zone. My god, he even reads books now. And kahit paano natutulog na siya. Tapos ngayon.. Oh god he confessed to you. Pinag-usapan namin 'yon pero never kong naimagine na ngayong araw mangyaya--"
"Wait. Pinag-uusapan niyo ako?"
"Sa dami ng sinabi ko dyan ka talaga nagfocus ha?" I shrugged. "Of course pinag-uusapan ka namin! Ano bang alam ni Andreau sa mga babae? He can recite Oscar winners but he's shit when it comes to women. Kung nando'n ka lang nung first time ka naming pag-usapan I'm sure matatawa ka na lang sa sobrang awkward niya." Ms. Marisse sighed heavily. "Hay, that boy. He's too afraid of not saying the right words. Thank goodness he did great this time."
Wow.. all this time.. Ganito pala ang nangyayari. Sobrang manhid at bulag ko ba na hindi ko napansin 'yon!?! And coming from Ms. Marisse.. Wow. So matagal na nga siyang may feelings. Tanungin ko kaya si Ms. Marisse ku--
Haynako, Pascual. Stop it. Mas okay na kay Andreau mo malaman kung kailan, okay? Mas nakakakilig at unforgettable pag sa kanya mismo galing. Ayokong maspoil ang moment na 'yon dahil sa kakulitan ko.
"Zades? Are you still upset?" tanong niya sa 'kin.
"Huh? Uhmm.. actually.. Hindi ko po alam. I mean, it's great that we've finally said things to each other. I'm.. I'm just afraid of what will happen next. Ang daming possibilities eh. And there's a big stake here. I'm.. terrified to lose that."
Ms. Marisse stared at me for a moment, then, "Do you think Andreau's worth it?"
"I.. I don't give away my heart to anyone that easily. So yes. Very much yes."
Napangiti siya sa sagot ko. "Then you have to wait."
"Wait? For how long?"
Akala ko maiinis siya sa sagot ko, pero mas napangiti lang siya. "Hay.. that question again. Ewan ko ba sa generation ngayon at parang allergic kayo sa paghihintay. Dahil siguro sa technology ngayon. I don't know. Naaalala ko lang kasi dati noong nasa Canada pa sina Daddy, lagi siyang nagpapadala ng sulat kay Mommy. Si Daddy kasi medyo romantic and a very big fan of letters. Kahit pwede namang tumawag pinipilit pa rin niyang magpadala ng sulat. Some people might find waiting for a letter boring and a waste of time.. Pero ako hindi. Hindi ko kasi makakalimutan yung happiness sa mga mata ni Mommy kapag dumadating yung kartero at dala yung sulat ni Daddy. Or yung kilig ni Ate Trish kapag may message sa kanya si Kuya Vic. My god, ang hirap kayang makipaglandian thru pager!
"Did you know that Shane proposed to me when I got pregnant? Kakatapos lang ng ultrasound ko no'n and first time naming makita si Tristan. We're so elated that time that he proposed inside the car. As in spur of the moment proposal. Ni wala nga siyang dalang singsing. 'dI told him no, of course. Hindi dahil sa wala siyang singsing or sa kotse siya nagpropose. I'd told him no because we weren't ready yet. Lalo ako, kasi kakasikat ko lang no'n eh. Takot akong mawala ang career na pinaghirapan ko. I love him, I really do.. Ayoko lang sumugod nang hindi kami ready. Make or break nga 'yon kasi akala ko iiwan niya ako. Alam mo naman na iba ang mentality nila sa 'tin. Hinanda ko na yung sarili ko na palakihin si Tristan nang mag-isa, kasi kahit paano nagawa ko na 'yon kay Andreau.
"But to my surprise, Shane stayed. He understood my situation and ever since lagi siyang nandyan para kay Tristan at para sa 'kin. Sinuportahan niya ako sa career ko, pati career ni Andreau. Then.. four years ago, ready na ako magpakasal. Siya naman yung hindi kasi kakamatay lang ng father niya and he had to save their company. 'Yon na siguro ang darkest part ng relationship namin. He even asked me to leave him because he was a mess. Sobrang irita ako no'n, Zades. Kapal ng mukha niyang isipin na iiwan ko siya porke't nasasaktan siya. Pinili ko siya eh, ba't ko siya iiwan nang gano'n? Sa bawat pagtaboy niya sa 'kin mas pinapakita ko na kaya ko siyang samahan sa bawat paghihirap niya.. Role reversal nga ang nangyari kasi ako naman yung todo support kahit wala akong kaalam-alam sa construction shit! Ngayon okay na kami, mas okay pa kesa sa dati. Hindi na namin inisip pa yung kasal. Maybe in the future oo, we couldn't tell. We both know we're not ready for that right now. We're still waiting for that right moment, I guess. Masaya kaming dalawa ngayon kasi nakikita naming maayos ang paglaki ni Tristan. Mahal naman namin ang isa't isa. Ano ba naman yung maghintay, 'di ba?
"And Zades.. why wait for him to be ready when you can wait with him? I know hindi applicable yan sa lahat ng couples. Iba't iba tayo ng experiences. But remember this: being ready doesn't mean not being afraid. Trust me, fear will never go away. Aatake yan pag vulnerable ka o masaya ka. You'll have problems and doubts from time to time. It will annoy you like a bitch. But that doesn't mean you'll face it alone. For me, being ready means letting someone to hold your hand and face your fears with you. Partners, right?
"Kayo ni Andreau.. Hay nako. The two of you are just equal amounts of stubborn that you didn't allow yourselves to believe the truth, even though it's been in front of you the entire time. Ayan na, you're done with the denia phase. The next phases will be so terrifying, I tell you. Sino bang taong nagmamahal at nagmahal ang hindi dumaan sa gano'n, 'di ba? But the two of you can make it work, Zades. The two of you have this weird connection shit na hindi namin mafigure out kung paano niyo nagagawa, really. You can know each other so well. Use that to figure out kung anong gagawin niyo. Ngayon.. pag-isipan mo nang mabuti kung anong gusto mong mangyari sa inyong dalawa. When the time comes na ready ka nang sabihin 'yon, then go for it. Say everything you want. Makikinig naman yang si Andreau. Iba ang tama no'n sa 'yo, Zades. Ang tanga na lang niya kung hindi pa niya aayusin 'tong chance na 'to."
Well I guess my detour to the 47th floor wasn't a bad decision after all.
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So in case hindi niyo ako finafollow sa Twitter (lengsungit), this happened yesterday:
HAHAHAHAHA GUYS NAGMEET ANG GUSTON KO LAMANG SA BUHAY AY MAGMEET SINA RITZ AT PAULO PERO HELLO PO SA ABS-CBN MAY TELESERYE NA SILA TOGETHER
I'M LIKE
AT TOTOO PO ANG HEIGHT DIFFERENCE NG ZADREAU (SEE PIC ABOVE) SO BUHAY PA AKO
Anyway... ayun nga. Nabaliw ako kagabi dahil dyan. At.... 5 chapters na lang 'tong TSIB so kapit lang! hahahahah!