Jace had been gone for a while and it felt like forever.
For the past couple of weeks, I had considered an attempt of mea culpa, but I knew it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t make myself apologize to him, or conjure him into giving me another chance. Every time I thought about what happened between us, my chest would hurt when I breathed. To make matters worse, final exams had begun and the issue was still unresolved.
During the first day of the final exams, I had tried my best to apologize to Jace, hoping he’d come around since it had been quite some time since we really communicated. I had walked to his locker, reciting the apology I had memorized, silently to myself. I had promised myself to be cool and more yielding, but the sight of him made me tremble and my tongue frost to ice.
“Hi, man.” That was the best I could come up with.
“Hi,” he responded blankly.
“Er . . . how are the first papers?” I asked. “Were they hard?”
“They were fine,” he said. “I’m pretty sure I can pass.”
I had seen in his eyes that he wanted to reach out and touch me. I even wished he would so I could at least feel the warmth of his skin. Say you’re sorry, I repeated to myself. Believe me; I tried my best to speak the right words. But I didn’t want to risk heartbreak—I didn’t want to face the fact that he might not want to forgive me.
“How’s yours?” he broke the silence.
“Biology’s hard,” I told him.
“Well, good luck. I’m going to study with Theo and his friends. I’ve promised the guy.”
When he walked away from me, I could smell his woody scent in the air.
I fucked up the first week of final papers. I couldn’t study well; my focus was shot since I was troubled repeatedly by the thought of Jace and our broken relationship. Thank God Adam and Keith were by my side—they had been the most help during the exams. Adam had always been good at math, so he tutored me, teaching me a few things and making sure I knew the material. Keith had made me memorize some lines to act as triggers to help in my writing for English. Seriously, I was pretty sure my inner Shakespeare had been killed—maybe Jace was the murderer.
Whenever Keith or Adam asked me about Jace, I could only lie, telling them that we were pretty okay. I knew they could sense the fishiness in that statement since Jace and I still kept our distance.
My head spun and I massaged my temples. I was thinking too much about what happened in the past week. I lay my head on my study desk, looking out the window, wondering what Jace was doing at the moment.
Is he thinking about me too? No, probably not—maybe he’s studying with Theo while I’m clinging on this silly hope for us to be a couple.
My chemistry textbook lay open on the desk, ionic and chemical equations waiting for me in the pages. I had to move forward if I wanted to survive high school. I had to put aside all my mate issues and focus for the final papers tomorrow, even if it was impossible.
Chemistry, the last paper for the examination, turned out to be okay. Now, I could finally breathe easy. The school year was ending, and I should’ve felt excitement coursing through me, but all I felt was empty.
During lunch, Jace sat with his usual group of admirers, but now Theo, Marcus and the rest were also in the picture. I caught him staring at me once or twice, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t out of the ordinary because we were mates and it was natural for us to be drawn to each other.
We needed to love each other; we were made to love each other.
As usual, I sat with Adam and Keith. I wasn’t sure if Jace was pleased with Keith hanging around with me and I wondered what he thought about it.
“It’s funny, Jordan,” Adam said. “Theo’s magically become a good friend with your ma—I mean, with your . . . er, you know, boyfriend. They were nemesis before and somehow you changed everything,” Adam said.
While Keith was reading some books to kill time, Adam swung his foot around under the table, gesturing his silent apology for almost spilling my lycanthropic identity to a mortal. It wasn’t like I cared anymore.
“What do you mean?” I asked Adam.
“Well, since you are dating Jace, Theo can actually try to win Heather back. Rumor has it that Jace is now Theo’s love guru—Jace has been guiding Theo on how to win a date with Heather Roberts.”
I let out a little laughter. “Well, that’s great, isn’t it?”
“I guess everything’s okay now between you and your basketball team,” Keith said.
Keith learned about Theo and the rest of the goings-on at Bloomingdale High at the speed of light. He was good at being the fly on the wall; in fact I could’ve forgotten that he was here with Adam and me.
“Nope, I am really exiled from the team,” Adam said. “I don’t really give a fuck. Can’t understand why he hasn’t apologized for saying shit about Jordan.”
“That guy, Theo is weird,” Keith murmured. “Does he still hate you, Jordan?”
I shrugged as a response. I caught Theo glaring at me once or twice, but I was too apathetic to care. Adam and I had told Keith that Theo was just some homophobic kid in school to make it simpler for him—I was just some random guy who got to date the school’s superstar out of the blue. It would be complicated if Keith learned about my werewolf identity and the mate concept.
“So,” Keith continued, “if Theo hates you for being gay, why doesn't he hate your boyfriend too?” Keith asked.
I looked at Adam, my eyes begging him to help me come up with an excuse to give Keith.
“Well . . .” Adam started, “maybe Theo thinks he can restore Jace’s legendary heterosexual prowess.”
Three of us looked at each other as we boomed out in explosive laughter. I cackled and laughed to Adam’s hilarious response.
“Nice one,” Keith replied, panting hard as he guffawed. “Let’s see if that’s going to work.”
I couldn’t believe I still had the ability to laugh to these little silly matters, and that’s when I realized it was the first time in weeks I felt really happy.
* * * *
The final bell resulted in the usual explosive roar of excitement—the whole school was running out of the building, screaming and shouting songs of victory. A group of seniors stole the crowd’s attention with their rhythmic shouts of pandemonium—they were singing and screaming a cheer, celebrating the end of school.
I promised Keith and Adam I would keep in touch during the summer break. Adam had already had a part-time job in the city. Keith, on the other hand, was living temporarily with his aunt within driving distance.
I was walking out of the building when a hand grabbed my waist.
He pulled me to him, pressing me close to his body—I reacted to his scent immediately. I was engulfed in joy and comfort and safety and I wanted to be this way forever.
“Sunny thinks we’re not okay,” he whispered. “Here she is. You have to sit with me. Got it?”
“Okay,” I said. I didn’t really care; I wanted to be near him like this no matter how it was going to be. I wrapped my arm around his waist and squeezed myself closer to him.
During the drive home, Jace had been kissing and touching me and it had made me feel better, even if it was only an act. Deep down I knew this wasn’t just an act for Jace, just like it is wasn’t for me. He needed me.
When we arrived home, I couldn't help but want to stick to my mate as long as I could.
“Kids,” a voice called out as we were all about to disperse from Sunny’s front yard to walk to our own homes. It turned out to be Mr. West. “The Alpha’s gathering some kids in his house. I think you guys should be there, too.”
Jace thought the most important person to convince our mating was going well and that we were happy was the Alpha. On the inside, I was shamelessly joyful that I got to walk with my mate to the Main House. I was jumping up and down, thinking that Jace would continue touching me with affection, trying to appear romantic and passionate just like other normal mates would. I hoped the joy I felt didn’t appear in my facial expression.
“So,” Jace said as we moved, “any plans for the summer?”
This is another chance, Jordan. Tell him you’re sorry!
“There are a few,” I said. “Sleeping is one of them.”
Jace sniggered. “You can still sleep well now?”
I gulped, regretting that joke I attempted. I hadn’t expected it would go in a different direction.
“I can’t,” Jace added, a sardonic smile plastered on his face, his voice going heavy.
“Jace,” I sighed.
He wrapped his arm around my arm, his fingers found mine as he gripped my palms strongly in his hand. He swung out our hands in the air, avoiding eye contact as I looked at him. I knew it would do no good if he started to glance at me—I remembered how he couldn’t resist putting his lips on mine each time he stared into my eyes. Touching only meant that we wanted each other more; we couldn’t resist the pull of the bond.
“You’re good at resisting it,” Jace whispered.
“What?”
“I know you want to be with me,” he said. “Because I feel the same.”
Yes, it’s true, and I don’t think I can resist it anymore. Please come back to me.
I couldn’t respond.
“You know what?” Jace continued. “I really thought you were the one who knew more about mates. Have you forgotten what you’ve learned from the Guide about mate theory? Maybe you didn’t read carefully, because if you had, you would know that mates always want each other. A mate doesn’t simply miss their other—if one mate misses the other, the other mate might’ve been missing him or her too. If one mate is turned on by their mate, the other is turned on by their mate too. If I miss you, Jordan, it only means one thing; it means that you are missing me too.”
I wanted to say that he was right, but at the same time, I wished I could deny everything he said. But there was nothing to disaffirm, because I did miss him, and I did want to touch him. Since we mutually shared a soul, I wanted him when he wanted me, craved for him when he craved for me, and there wasn’t any other way.
“You’re trying to deny the truth, aren’t you?” he added.
Again, I lost the ability to respond to him. I had to admit that he was right. It would be better if he knew how much I missed him.
“Well . . . aren’t you, Jordan?” Jace urged, forcing an answer out of me.
“I guess the Guide has said it all,” I murmured under my breath, my voice quivered.
That was not what I wanted to say to him. I thought I would be more vulnerable and yielding but I was just stupid, so fucking stupid I couldn’t resist being more shitty to him. I hated this unapologetic side of mine that appeared out of nowhere.
Jace turned to me, squeezing my shoulder blades as he faced me.
“It does say it all, Jordan,” Jace said. “But it’s useless if you don’t want to come terms with it. Nothing will ever be the same if you can’t admit it to yourself that you’re in love with me. You are in love with me because I am in love with you. In fact I’m so deeply in love with you maybe I’ll die soon with this whole pretending shit.”
He walked away, rage burning in his face. I missed the chance to grip his hand and stop him, and I hated this feeling in between wanting to touch and not touching him—it was impossible for us to separate from each other forever.
The boys ran into the Main House, where the Alpha stood happily with his arms crossed over his chest. When I walked into the house, the humongous interior once again took my breath away. There was a glass spiral staircase to my left, leading to the rooftop patio of the house where you could view other houses lit up beautifully in the nighttime. The dim flashes of childhood memories ran through my head of when I used to play around the building with the rest of the Little Pack.
Piles of boxes were situated on the wooden floor near Dan’s foot. He gestured at us to come closer to him and we did. I let out a breath of disappointment because Jace wasn’t by my side anymore—I almost forgot the initial plan was to appear very in love with my mate in front of the Alpha, but it had failed.
“Are you free now?” Sunny whispered as she stood by my side.
“What do you mean?” I whispered back.
“Well, you seem busy,” she said. “Busy being in love.”
“Shut up,” I groaned and laughed. I wished what Sunny said was true—to say I was busy falling in love wasn’t accurate; but saying I was busy dealing with heartbreak was.
Dan cleared his throat, standing next to the boxes. He looked happier than all of us, who were still overjoyed with summer commencing.
“Summer’s here, guys! What do you think?” Dan shouted.
Everyone let out joyful murmurs. The conversation continued when the Alpha asked some of them about part-time jobs and stuff. Rick and Jace were considering working a few weeks in an all-ages club in the city.
“Well, well, well,” the Alpha said, “before taking that job, you might want to finish the one you already have. It’s lying behind you.”
He kicked a box, and it slid across the floor to us.
“These are party decorations,” he said. “Tomorrow night, we will meet Anthony’s mate for the very first time. She's a solitary who’s going to join our pack. The pack wants to throw a surprise party for Anthony. We want to celebrate Claire’s pledge to be a new pack member. It’s been a while since we have had a newbie, hasn’t it?”
Sunny got all jumpy and happy at the thought of decorating for a party. I knew this was her kind of job, unlike some of the boys who didn’t seem pleased with this idea.
“So,” Dan clapped enthusiastically, “I hope there isn’t a problem.”
“But, Dad, summer’s just here! Let us chill out and—”
“If you prefer to lock your ass in the bedroom and be lazy, Callan, then I can’t stop you. Your friends seem to have no problem with this. Just don’t make me take your video games and cut your allowance,” Dan responded.
Callan grunted while all of us exploded into laughter.
“So when can we start?” Sunny hopped on and off the ground.
“Well, we’re going to have more people coming tomorrow to help out, so you can start tonight,” Dan responded.
“Cool,” Jace said. “See you tonight, Dan.”
When the circle dispersed, I remained a few feet away from Jace and watched him.
“Oh, Jace,” Dan called him. “Come here.”
I could only stare as he cracked his knuckles and approached Dan. The sight of him was ecstasy to me—I wanted to put my hands on him and squeeze that broad chest like I hadn’t touched it before and kissed every part of him with my lips in a filthy way.
Oh God. What’s wrong with me?
“What is it, Dan?”
“This year’s Combat is going to be held in DC. Are you joining?”
Jace caught me staring at him as I pretended to check the boxes out.
“Yeah,” Jace responded. Of course; Jace had won the annual Wolf Combat for years in a row now—I was pretty sure nothing about his competitiveness had changed. He was still the same amazing future Alpha everyone adored.
“Jace!” a voice called out from outside the house.
I looked at the door and Theo’s face popped in. Slowly, he walked inside, approaching the Alpha with a tired smile on his face.
I spotted uneasiness in Jace’s eyes. Or was it just my imagination?
“Hey, Alpha. I was just searching for Jace. Dude, you are coming, aren’t you?”
A burning spark started up in my chest and tears stung my eyes. I felt a hollowness spreading in my chest and I didn’t like it.
“Gotta go, Dan. Theo, let’s go.”
* * * *
I felt like a stalker, and I probably was since I found myself sneaking behind trees as I followed Jace and Theo in the woods.
I wished I could act like Theo. He could freely slide his arm around Jace’s neck. Their friendly touches shouldn’t have made me feel any envy, but it did. If I was in Theo’s shoes, I would be touching Jace in a much better way, standing on my toes and kissing his cheek and he would return my affection passionately. Out of the blue we might’ve ended up making love behind thick bushes or something. Call it morbid, but I heard that’s how mates reacted to each other if they were touching too much.
Theo and Jace walked into narrow paths between huge trees. I counted a couple of seconds before I started following behind them again.
I noticed Jace glancing behind him a few times, like he could smell me, and I really thought he could because I was his mate. I jumped behind a thick bush to my left and felt his eyes catching mine for a few second. Then he turned to the usual conversation again.
“Heather doesn’t seem to like hanging out with me this summer,” I heard Theo say.
When his voice faded, I moved again.
“You can try harder,” Jace responded to him.
“Yeah, maybe,” Theo said. “I think she still digs you, man.”
“I don’t know,” Jace said unenthusiastically. “Maybe you can find some other girls.”
“You’re being ridiculous, dude. You know I can’t like them,” Theo said.
“Well, maybe not them, but that’s the choice you made . . .”
The two disappeared in a secluded corner. I walked silently and turned to where they headed.
Two feet from the low cliff under my feet was a large empty basketball court. It was a cemented open ground; its floor was blackish and muddy. I was pretty sure this was the place Adam had been referring to.
Jace and Theo pumped their fists and murmured loudly as they approached Marcus and the basketball team, laughing and shouting with excitement, one of them shooting a ball to Jace.
Maybe this was my mate’s real life, and this kind of life mattered a lot to him. I was probably nothing compared to this. He had his buddies; his admirers who made him feel a lot better and more appreciated. I was just his mate, who was in denial about being madly in love with his own mate.
I moved away, running quickly while holding my tears in because I didn’t want to cry again.
* * * *
The sight of the forest reminded me a lot about how I discovered my mate. I found Jace as we had a ridiculous physical fight in the greens—all of a sudden his face had stood out so beautiful, his scent had overwhelmed me and there was this sudden urge to touch him and be with him creeping up in my thoughts.
I didn’t want to feel tears running down my face again so I focused out and allowed my lycanthropic adrenaline free rein. Slowly I felt a weird sensation come over me as fur covered my exterior. My sight turned monochromatic and my limbs shortened.
I kept my speed up when I landed on the ground on four legs, jumping and thumping the earth like it could make me stronger. I went in all directions, climbed all the hills I could reach, jumped down from cliffs, crossed over swift streams of river, and kept the motion going.
I would rather die than to cry over Jace again.
I am the one who should make my mate laugh. I am the one who’s supposed to be by his side.
I stopped and accidentally let out a howl. It had been a while since I’d shifted—I was supposed to take time in adjusting myself to my wolf side, but now I felt like an expert shifter. For a short second I wished I was a full-form wolf—I wouldn’t have to have a half-soul and have to cling onto a mate. If I was a full-form wolf I wouldn’t have to have Jace in my life, hate him and suddenly love him because of destiny. Life would be easier.
I hoped I was on a ground high enough so my howls wouldn’t be audible. I tried to keep it down but I was too frustrated on the inside, it just kept coming out louder and louder.
I breathed in and stopped. Keep breathing, I told myself. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.
My mind was such a big fat liar because nothing was fine and everything it said was bullshit.
I kept on roaming the woods. I walked down the hills I climbed; passed by the river stream and finally sat on a flat empty forest floor to rest. I laid my head down, closed my eyes and tried to forget things for as long as possible.
I heard a crackling of twigs a few feet away from me. It might've been further than I sensed because my wolf hearing was just that damn sharp. When I breathed in, I smelled something familiar, but I knew it wasn’t Jace.
“Hello, who’s there?” a voice said.
Adam. It was his voice.
I got up and tried to shift back to my human form as soon as possible because he might freak out if he saw me. But it was too late.
Adam stood a few feet away from me, wide-eyed; doubts filling his face as he watched me. But he didn’t seem afraid. I walked backwards, trying to provide him more space in case he wanted to run. What the hell was he doing in the woods, anyway?
“Wait . . . Jordan, is that you?”
His sudden guess really surprised me. I flipped my tail like he could understand the gesture. I blinked my eyes a few times, hoping he would get something out of it.
“Um, tail-flipping means yes . . . wait, so it’s really you?”
Wow. Had Marcus taught him lots of things about us?
I flipped my tail once again.
“I knew it!” he enthused. “I recognized your eyes. Like, they’re similar to yours—well, it’s your eyes anyway. What the hell am I babbling about? By the way . . . man, you’re a beautiful wolf!”
Maybe I was a beauty to human eyes. I had a silky white exterior that could gleam stunningly under the sunlight—at least that’s what Sunny told me.
“I don’t mean it in a creepy way, but . . . can I touch you?”
If only Adam could hear my laughter . . .
I approached him, a little bit too fast, he’d almost freaked out and I closed my eyes.
I felt his hands travel down my flank and pat me.
“Wow, that’s so smooth! My neighbor’s dog would be so jealous of your fur, Jordan!”
Again, I wished Adam could hear my sniggers. My chest eased a little. I was really glad he was here with me when nobody else was. Everyone thought I was now running around with my mate, making love in the forest. No one could ever know the truth
“I was just trying to get to your house. I found a shortcut, just near the basketball court Marcus showed me. I tried to use that shortcut and didn’t expect to encounter you in this shape.”
I moved my snout around his hand. This was an affectionate human-animal interaction, but that was the only way I could respond to him.
“Well, let’s take a walk around, dude. Maybe you should change now.”
“Who’s there?” I heard someone call out.
My heart stopped when Dan appeared in between the trees. Adam walked to my side as I moved farther in front, trying to explain this whole Adam-knowing-us situation.
“Who are you?” Dan asked Adam.
“Uh, er . . .”
I used the lycanthropic telepathy to communicate with Dan—you can do that with all half-and-half immortals if you are one.
He’s my friend, Dan. He knows about us a long time ago. He’s just searching for me in the woods. We meet here sometimes, I said.
Dan glanced at Adam apprehensively before his eyes relaxed again. He always liked newcomers and mortals. Then he smiled at Adam, walking closer to us.
“I heard howling, Jordan. Was that you?”
Yes. I’m—I’m sorry. I just—
“It didn’t sound well,” he replied to me. “Are you having a fight with Jace, Jordan?”
Oh, no.
Yeah. It’s my fault, but I promise it’s not a big problem.
“Well, if that’s the case . . .” Dan said, reaching out to touch Adam’s shoulder. “I’m Daniel, the pack’s Alpha. Seems like you’re a good friend to Jordan. We’re throwing a party tomorrow—feel free to join us. They’re preparing the party tonight—if you want to help out, you’re welcome. That is, if you have no plans this early in the summer.”
Dan let out light laughter before he started to walk away. I hoped Adam wasn’t surprised with Dan being shirtless.