Hey hey hey, so I enjoyed writing this chapter a whole lot! It's very long, you're welcome! Thank you all for the comments/votes, I read them all and I smile each and every time I get a new one! Keep them coming they really help my writing motivation!
I have so much homework but I wanted to get this up before I started, it's already 7 omg i need to start. Anyways enjoy this chapter. I'll remind you to comment at the end of this chapter. I can't wait for you guys to comment and hear what you have to say about this chapter! :) xo
-a
Harry's POV
It's been three weeks. Three freaking weeks since I've been 'dating' Caroline and I hate myself for it.
I originally started this whole thing to try and forget about Louis or somehow fall out of love with him. Of course I was dumb and once again my plan didn't work. I didn't think about him as much but that was only because I was thinking about how bad I felt for leading Caroline on which wasn't a great thing to be thinking about either.
I promised myself I would tell Caroline the truth, or at least break up with her. That was two weeks ago and I still didn't work up the courage to tell her. Now that it's been three weeks it's going to be even worse when I tell her. I can't wait any longer, I just can't.
Everytime I look into her eyes, look her way, hear her voice, just being around her is making the guilt eat me alive. We've been hanging out whenever we could and she was so fun to be around but there was no way I liked her in more than a friendly way which is what ruins it all.
We were have a gathering barbecue at Liam's flat. The barbecue would have relatives, friends and maybe some random people we didn't even know. It's possible because it's happened before. I decided that I would tell her when she comes over. I can't wait any longer because the longer I put it off, the worse it becomes.
The barbecue started about twenty minutes ago but I'm not surprised that Caroline isn't here yet. She told me she was going to be running late because she got caught up with her parents.
Currently Louis and I were sitting outside on Liam's patio eating some hot dogs. The sun was shining so bright, I was sweating and I wasn't even doing anything. I'm surprised how hot it was today considering it's almost winter time. The hotdogs Liam cooked were incredible and I was almost done with my first one.
I took another bite from my hotdog as I heard a farting sound. I stopped mid bite and looked at Louis. I just chuckled, he must've heard me because he looked up from his hotdog.
"What?" He asked innocently.
I smirked, "No need to play dumb Lou, I heard you fart."
He seemed offended, 'No I didn't!"
I chuckled, "Lou it's alright I don't care, it was just a fart." I said continuing my hotdog.
He pouted, "But I swear, it wasn't me! I was squeezing ketchup!" He exclaimed pointing to the ketchup bottle in his hand. I figured he was telling the truth but a good harmless joke on Louis was always fun too.
"Sure." I said obviously sounding unconvinced.
"You don't believe me eh?" Louis asked mischeviously.
"Nope" I said nearing the last bite of my hotdog.
Before I put the last bit in my mouth I felt something on my face. I stopped eating my hotdog and I realized Louis just squirted ketchup on my face. I opened my mouth in shock and slowly wiped it off my cheek. With my mouth still hanging open Louis took this as a chance to just squirt more. Some got in my mouth, and some of it landed on my forehead and my cheeks.
"Louis!" I yelled reaching for him.
He quickly stood up from his patio seat and stood away from me holding the ketchup bottle in defense.
I lunged for him, still getting squirted with ketchup on my white shirt and jeans. All I heard were Louis' laughs and people around us as well. Louis dashed away into the backyard as I followed him right on his tail.
"Louis get back here!" I yelled.
He just laughed loudly in response. I chased him all the way to the end of Liam's backyard. I felt myself getting out of breath and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep going. I was gaining on Louis but knowing him he can run forever. So when I was pretty close I leaped forward and jumped on my stomach and grabbed his ankles causing him to fall.
We both landed with a grunt but the second Louis hit the ground he started kicking his feet trying to get out of my grip. I grabbed on tighter trying to grab his ketchup bottle. He was thrashing around until I pulled myself over to him and pinned down his arms. I used my legs to pin down his legs and trapped him while he lay down on his back.
I smirked evily as he just looked a bit scared but also a bit playful. As he looked around my face he started laughing, from the ketchup I assume.
"Oh so you think this is funny?" I asked.
He nodded laughing, "Yeah"
"Well I don't." I said taking the ketchup bottle out of his hands, "And if you think it's so funny then you won't mind if I do this."
I said as I opened the ketchup bottle and squirted ketchup all over Louis' face, hair, and torso.
I was straddling his stomach and trying to keep him underneath me but he was struggling. He started to grab the bottle and suddenly I felt my back hit the grass and soon Louis was straddling me instead. I couldn't deny that I did like this position. I blushed a bit but he couldn't tell considering all the ketchup on my face. He started to squirt me once again while I struggled underneath his hold.
I hear Liam yelling at us in the distance. He was coming closer to us, as were other guests at the barebecue. Of course it would be us to make a scene. Oh well they should've seen it coming.
Not being upset anymore I just started laughing under his hold while he squirted almost the whole bottle. It was a bit gross considering I don't even like ketchup but I was having fun.
"Lads! What are you doing?" Liam exclaimed standing over Louis.
He wrapped his arms around Louis' waist and heaved him off of me. I got up once Lou's weight was gone and dusted some grass off.
"You got ketchup all over yourselves and on my grass!" He groaned.
Louis and I both tried to hold in our laughter so instead I said, "Sorry Liam."
Some guests from the barbecue were looking at the scene but they didn't come over here thankfully. I guess they were trying to seem as if they weren't snooping.
"You two need to go upstairs and wash up, especially you Harry before Caroline comes." He said.
I nodded and we headed back upstairs.
"I still think you farted." I said to Louis as we walked up the steps to the bathroom.
He wrapped an arm around my neck and gave me a noogie. He let go as I laughed.
Within fifteen minutes I showered and changed into some of Liam's clothes. As I was in Liam's bathroom I was snooping around. I looked through his cabinets until I came upon some cologne. I picked it up and observed the bottle. Nodding I smelled the cap and it smelled amazing. I began to squirt some on until I heard someone walk in.
"Ha-" Louis began but stopped once he saw me.
I smiled sheepishly putting back Liam's cologne.
"Ooh Haz, I'm gonna tell." He teased.
I scoffed, "Why would you tell? It's not a big deal."
"Because," Louis started, "That's Liam's favorite cologne and they stopped making that. He only wears it to special events because he wants to 'savior it'" he said putting air quotes around 'savior it'.
"Oh" I said softly, "Well it can be our little secret." I said smiling at him.
He was about to open his mouth to reply until he got interuppted by Liam, "Hey Harry!" Liam called.
"Yeah?!" I answered back.
"Caroline is here!" He yelled from downstairs.
"Coming!" I replied while heading out of the bathroom.
I could've sworn I saw Louis roll his eyes but maybe I just imagined it because I would've liked him to be jealous. Anyways I walked around Louis to exit the door without another word.
"Bye Harry." Louis said not very genuinely but more of a 'Bye Harry, I'm right here you know'.
I felt a bit bad but I said goodbye back.
I walked down the stairs and my heart began racing. I need to tell Caroline the truth, I couldn't wait any longer. The guilt is eating me little by little and soon there will be nothing left. I entered the first floor of Liam's house and was dodging his guests. I walked to the kitchen and saw Caroline eating on some refreshments on the counter.
I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and as soon as we locked eyes she smiled and went in for a hug. I felt like the right thing to do would be to hug her back.
"Hey Harry" She greeted.
"Hello Caroline how are you?" I asked as we pulled away.
"I've been good since I saw you a day ago." She chuckled.
I smiled but it wasn't sincere. I can't stop thinking about how guilty I was. The guilt was the strongest whenever she was around. I think she could sense something was wrong. I think she always had been able to these past weeks because she constantly asks what's wrong.
"Yeah..." I replied, "So how was your parents?" I asked trying to make conversation to calm my nerves.
She nodded, "They were a blast as always. Who were you hanging out with before?" She asked curiously.
"Lou." I answered.
"Ah, Liam was complaining about you two." She laughed.
I smiled just thinking about Louis.
"So what do you want to do?" She asked.
"Erm I was wondering if we could talk" I said shifting on my feet.
She looked confused and I wanted to punch myself in the face. I can't believe I used her.
"Um sure?" She said.
I grabbed her hand and led her where no one else was around. That place was Liam's guest room. I shut the door behind us and she walked over to the couch. I sat down next to her and took a deep breath.
"Is everything alright?" She asked nervously.
I shook my head no, "No, no not exactly." I started.
"Cmon Harry you can tell me anything, you know that." She encouraged.
I tried to smile but it was weak, "It's really really hard to tell you." I paused, "I feel terrible, I've done something horrible." I whispered.
She rubbed my back soothingly, "It's alright Harry, you can tell me. I won't be mad I promise."
I shook my head, "No, I'm sure you will be. I just, it's hard for me to tell you. I should've told you as soon as I did it but I couldn't bring myself to do it." I said sweating profusely.
"Harry..." She said cautiously, "You're scaring me."
I rubbed my palms together anxiously and stuttered, "I need to be honest with you and I-I know that you will most likely hate me for it. I don't blame you" I laughed bitterly, "I kind of hate me too."
"Harry just tell me." She pushed.
"I am using you." I flat out said it.
I was scared to look at her reaction but somehow I brought my eyes to her. She looked a bit shocked but she didn't seem angry. She seemed a bit upset but mainly confusion.
"W-what?" She asked.
"I used you." I said again, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to go this far, I was trying to make everything okay again but I just made everything worse. I always manage to screw everything up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I repeated my heart beating.
I waited for her to stand up and leave, maybe even hit me or something. Yell at me at least. But she didn't. It was quiet for a minute and the silence was deafening. I bit my lip and I felt tears at the brink of my eyes.
"Why?" She asked.
"What?" I asked.
"Why?" She repeated, "Why would you use me?" She asked.
She didn't sound hurt, she just sounded genuinely concerned.
I bit my lip even harder almost surfacing blood.
"I-I'd rather not say." I stuttered.
I can't tell her my biggest secret, I haven't even known her for that long. This secret is my whole life.
"Harry, I think I deserve to know. You used me for this, why won't you trust me?" She asked.
She has a point. I can't just say that I used her and then not tell her why. She deserves answers as to why I did what I did even as horrible as it may sound, I need to tell her.
"I-I" I paused, "You see, I've realized something these past few months. Something insane that I never thought would happen, and it scares the living crap out of me. I guess I just don't know how to deal with it and this was my last resort." I explained.
She sighed impatiently, "Stop beating around the bush, just tell me." She demanded.
I sighed and took a long breath, "I'm in love with Louis." I flat out said.
Her eyes shown a bit of shock but mainly confusion as well, "Then why did you use me?" She asked completely unphased that I just told her I was in love with one of my bandmates.
"I didn't want to be in love with Louis. It just kind of happened. The thought of being in love with Louis is frightenening and intimidating. Our careers are at stake because of what I feel. Louis doesn't even love me back, it could end all our careers and my family will find me as a dissapointment." I paused and whispered, "Everyone would."
"I don't see why you would ask me out on a date if you love Louis?" She questioned.
"Well, I mean I was trying to push away these feelings I've been getting for a long time. I can't be selfish, I wanted them to go away. I even tried ignoring him" I laughed bitterly, "That didn't work out so well at all. I then just decided to go with the flow, act as if nothing is wrong. But eventually I couldn't keep it up, I needed to try something new. If I had someone or something to distract me, like a girlfriend, someone else to love and cherish, I would forget about Louis and everything would be back to how they should be." I looked down at my hands, "But they're not." A few tears slipped out of my eyes and down my cheek. I wiped a few of them away.
I felt Caroline reach over and embrace me in a hug. I eventually hugged her back and cried into her shoulder.
"You shouldn't be giving me sympathy." I spat, "I hurt you and used you. I'm just what the media says, I'm a womanizer." I croaked.
She pulled away and held me at arms length. "No Harry. You aren't." She said looking into my eyes, "You're confused, you never had to deal with something like this. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to fuck up, everything is going to be okay." She paused and wiped a few tears from my cheeks, "I forgive you but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt but I know you never intended to do that. Forget about what everyone will think, think about yourself and what you want. I kind of assumed something was going on between you two anyways. The way you look at each other and how you're so comfortable around each other is amazing. Don't ruin what you have." She said sternly, "Tell him."
I shook my head no frantically, "I'm so scared. I can't." I whimpered.
"Don't be afraid Harry." She encouraged.
"I can't help it, what if he hates me? I can't deal with him ignoring me and finding me disgusting." I whispered, "I wouldn't be able to handle that."
"Louis is your best friend, if he doesn't like you back he will accept you. He loves you Harry, all the boys do, your fans do, and so does your family. They will be okay with this, and you should be too. Stop trying to push everything away, stop trying to drown your feelings. They are there for a reason, don't lock them away. If you love him, go tell him." She explained.
I was full on sobbing now. She was right, it was time for me to fess up. I can't keep trying to push everything away, I've tried too hard. I was just so scared.
"I-I can't, I'm so so scared Caroline." I whispered, crying in between words.
She pulled me in for another hug and rubbed my back, "Everyone will hate me." I whispered again.
"Stop it Harry, stop saying everyone will hate you. Accept who you are, accept your love and forget about what others think. Think about you and Louis. Stop trying to deny who you are and embrace it."
I nodded slowly into her shoulder, "I understand I just-" I sucked in a breath, "Why don't you hate me for leading you on? Why are you helping me?" I asked.
She smiled, "You're a good guy Harry, your intentions were pure." She said pushing curls out of my face, "Besides, you need more encouragement than I do."
I chuckled while letting my last few tears escape.
"When should I tell him?" I asked.
"Whenever you're ready." She said.
"I-I can't do it today." I needed time to prepare and think about what I'm really doing.
"Don't force it Harry. Tell him when you think the time is right, just don't wait too long, you never know what could happen. One day you could have your chance and the next it could be gone and you'll regret ever waiting."
(AN: DONT FORGET TO COMMENT OMG IM SCREAMING!! THIS WAS SO SAD TO WRITE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT AND VOTE ILY ALL! -a)