C H A P T E R S I X
☆☆☆
“Darren is just so great. So, so great. You know when you meet someone and then you start to get to know them and then you just know that they're special? God I feel that way every time I'm around him,” Manda rambled as we changed out of the clothes we'd worn to Darren's.
It was a relief to slip back into my sweatpants and tee shirt, a first step in banishing the effects of this entire day. When I got home, I would take a nice long three hour shower with the water on its hottest temperature and maybe then I would finally feel clean again.
I made a non-committal sound to her comment and she took that as her cue to continue on. I was laying on her bed with my legs stretched out while I pretended to do something serious on my phone.
She changed into an outfit similar to mine though instead of a shirt she wore a sports bra. She plopped down on the bed and laid her head in my lap.
It was a position she assumed often whenever I slept over and I'd never minded. Sometimes I'd stroke her hair while she spoke to me, but today I kept my hands wrapped tightly around my iPhone 6.
“He's so special, so funny. He does this really cute thing where he half smiles at me whenever he talks to me and ugh, it's the best. He's the best. Today was perfect,” she continued to say.
“You know, how we talked about getting intimate with someone and how both you and I wanted it to be with someone special, someone who an hour, a week, a month from now would still be in our lives? Because let's face it, we're not the most sentimental girls out there but we wanted it to count for something?” Manda asked me.
The intensity in her eyes actually made me uncomfortable but I licked my lips and nodded anyway.
“He was the one. He touched me today and it felt so right. I really like him Paiten, I really do. I hope he asks me to be his girlfriend.”
Amanda continued to go on and on about that boy and my thoughts wandered on to other happier things. I looked down at her.
Her straightened hair was splayed across my lap and her full lips moved swiftly as they formed words. Sometimes, they'd give way to the smile always sported when she was undeniably happy. I'd lost count on how many hours I'd spent simply staring at her.
I thought back to the day I had met her eight years ago: my dad thought it would be wise to remove me from the laërskool I'd attended since grade R to a former model c school. It would do my future wonders if could write and speak English well and he saw it fit to move me to an English-medium school.
I cared little for his reasons, I was just glad to be out of that Afrikaans school. Although my entire family were Afrikaners and I could speak the language well, although half of my identity belonged to that racial group – I'd had a hard time fitting in with all of the other white children at school.
It had nothing to do with a language barrier and I was certain it had nothing to do with my race: there were children of colour in that school.
It had everything to do with me and how uncomfortable I felt in that space. I wasn't happy there, so when I transferred to the former model c school two kilometres away within the third month of grade three, it was a chance for a new beginning.
The first few weeks in the new school were much like the years I'd spent at the old school, much to my utter disappointment. I still had no friends and didn't know how to fit in with the other girls. New school had a lot of black people and very few white and everyone spoke English, yet no one spoke to me or tried to make friends with me.
I was doing well in the new school, we had started with writing in cursive and memorising our nine timestable and I did well in all of our weekly tests.
I spent all of my breaks alone while the other children played games with each other. I longed to join them but I was far too shy and therefore kept to myself.
One day, for our P.E period we'd been given an opportunity to play indigenous games and it would count for our term assessment. All of the white children – boys and girls alike got together and played hopscotch – but I had no desire to play with them.
The black boys played soccer with a makeshift ball made of plastic bags and leaves rolled into one another and that counted as their indigenous game. I wanted to play legusha with the black girls. I'd seen them playing it during break and I'd always wanted to join them and that was my opportunity.
There were nine black girls there, plus two coloured girls. I knew all of their names because I was a very introspective person. I'd done nothing but study them in class, sniffing out their personalities from the little snippets I saw in class.
Most of them were very intimidating – they could be quite mean and spoke in their languages whenever interacted in class. It made it very hard for me to feel comfortable enough to make friends with them.
“Can I play with you guys?” I asked.
“Okay, you will fila” Portia told me.
She was twice my size and had the sharpest tongue out of everyone in class. She was one of the biggest trouble makers in our grade. Mrs Schoeman had told her so one day when she'd failed to do her homework and had back chatted to her.
I'd never seen our teacher as angry as I had that day. It was so scary. If Portia could make a grown woman so angry that she cried and screamed, there was no telling what she'd do to the likes of me.
It was a hot day and all of us were scorching under the heavy material grey dungarees we wore with the school's royal blue pullovers. The socks were thick too, so I could feel the sweat gathering in my in between my toes as I shuffled to the legusha.
Palesa was already standing on the other side, with the legusha hacked around her ankles. I stood on the opposite end and pulled the thin material up to my ankles as well and stood still as the game progressed.
Rethabile was the first person to make a mistake so she had to swap with Palesa and fila while Palesa got a chance to play. It wasn't long until another girl, Lethabo, made a mistake too and I got a chance to play. I'd never played legusha before, but I'd observed enough in the past twenty minutes of the game to understand what to do.
Legusha was a game that was played when an old pantyhose was cut into one thin, long line where two ends would be tied together to make a large ribbon. Two people would stand at the opposite ends and hack it around their legs to create a circle-like thing. All of the other members would have to take turns jumping into the middle of the circle, then jumping over to the other side, then crossing the two lines together using only their feet. The game would progress as the two members pulled the material higher up their bodies.
This game needed some serious leg skills, you had to be able to jump over the thread, that was purposely cut into a thin line so that the higher it went, the harder it was to see. It was like it blended into the atmosphere and the heat did little to help with that. The material was also flimsy because it required skill not to snap it in half.
When I played, the thread was already hiked up to Rethabile and Lethabo's waists. I wasn't good with my feet but I managed to jump high enough to land in the middle of the legusha.
I was also able to exit again without a hitch. The trouble came when it was time to cross the two lines together with my feet.
I blamed it on a lot of factors: it was hot and my school shoes felt heavier than usual, I also didn't know how I was supposed to jump high enough to cross the thing using just my feet and the inevitable happened, I snapped the legusha in half.
“Is this your first game?” Lethabo asked me and I nodded.
“Let her continue playing, it's her first time guys,” Lethabo said and some of the other girls agreed. Despite how many chances I was given, I'd managed to break the legusha three more times when it came for the time to cross it over.
It really wasn't a train smash, I could've easily tied the thing together again where I'd broken it and then I'd have to go back to fila. That was the normal procedure but for some reason, Nozi took that as an opportunity to attack me.
Nozi and Portia were in the same boat. I'd heard that they were two years older than the rest of us and it didn't help that they were the tallest and biggest girls either.
“Doy! Doy! you must fila! You must fila now!” she yelled.
“Yes, I know,” I replied with my eyes a little widened, because I couldn't understand why she was being so aggressive with me.
“Yaz, you are so stupid! You can't even cross a legusha!” she snapped and smacked my hands away from the thread where I'd tried to tie it back together.
She moved right into my personal space, until her face was inches away from mine. She was so close that I could see the sleep dust in the corner of her left eye.
“Every time you're the only one who breaks it! You must be stupid!”
The other girls started to egg her on, entertained with the idea of an altercation. I felt humiliated, especially with this girl shouting down at me and everyone else laughing at me. My lower lip began to tremble and I could feel tears beginning to coat my eyes.
I just wanted to fit in, but that didn't seem possible. This girl would make a big fool out of me and I'd never be able to live it down.
“Why can't you get this right!”
“Hey, hey, hey!” another voice suddenly interrupted. It was one of the coloured girls. She was named Amanda and although she wasn't as intimidating as Portia or Nozi, I found it hard to approach her.
She had long, curly hair tied into a high bun on top of her head and she had the neatest uniform in class. Her shirt was always tucked in, her dungaree was always impeccably pressed and she always looked well-put together for an eight year old.
She was also really smart too and she carried the best princess lunch box. I could only imagine her packed lunches were the best too.
“Who are you to talk about being stupid, Nozipho? Paiten got twenty out of twenty for our multiplication test last week. You got zero because instead of multiplying by six you added six! You are the stupid one. Every day your mother cries real tears because she gave birth to a stupid child!” Amanda yelled.
All of the other girls began to laugh.
Amanda was a tiny thing compared to Nozi, but she didn't back down. The first emotion that ran over me was shock. How did Amanda even know my name? And why was she standing up for me?
“Where do you fit into all of this Amanda? No one was talking to you, we were talking to Paiten,” Portia said and moved to stand near her friend. The girl spoke using her entire body – her arms made large gestures and her lips twisted into a sneer.
“Ya, if she's useless, she's useless. There's nothing you can do to fight it. I bet the problem is that white dad of hers. They're raising her to be a little mulungu and what use will she be to anyone?” Portia said and the other girls, who had decided to be bystanders in this entire ordeal made hissing sounds in response to Portia's diss.
I felt the venom of her words pierce my soul and now I couldn't hold back the tear that made its way down my face.
What did my father have to do with this? Why was she insulting him? Why was she being so mean to me? All because of a snapped pantyhose?
“At least Paiten has a father, where is yours Portia?”
Portia's eyes widened and she frowned as the other girls made more sounds to that, hyping Amanda up.
“Yazin, my mother told me not to be friends with bullies or to even play with them,” Amanda had said with a hand to her little chest, “I will not play with you. I will be the better person. Come Paiten, I'll play with you,” she had said and took my hand and led me away from those girls.
Looking back on that memory, what Amanda had said to Portia and Nozi was out of line, but she'd always been a fiercely overprotective person and when her mama bear instincts took over, she couldn't control what came out of her mouth.
She could pack a punch too, so she was never afraid of anything leading to a physical altercation. For some reason, Amanda decided that it would be her personal mission to protect me, despite the fact that she was the same size as me.
I had found a friend and protector in her and although I no longer needed her to shout at bullies for me, she'd always supported me whenever I needed it.
Amanda was all that I had when it came to friends. There was no one else who understood me like her, no one who loved me as unconditionally like her.
It had been her and I for so long and now that Darren was in the picture, he threatened that. He would serve as a wedge between Manda and I because soon, she wouldn't have enough time for me anymore. She didn't see it now because she was blinded with how amazing she thought he was.
It sucked that the most important things in my life were being ripped from me simultaneously; first my dad and now Manda. It felt as though a rock had settled in my intestines and it weighed my entire body down and I couldn't breathe. I needed to get home as soon as possible and lock myself away in my room.
My phone dinged with an incoming message and I thanked whatever higher power had heard my prayers. I'd sent a text to my dad half an hour ago, saying that I was ready to be picked up. He had told me that he was busy with something at work and would send me a text when he was on his way.
I unlocked my phone and slid the notifications bar down.
Dad💛: Hey Princess. I had to attend a last minute meeting so I can't make it. I've asked Anna to come and pick you up. She's five minutes away.
My relief melted into dread and a minute hadn't passed when Manda's phone rang. She'd had it registered for the automated security system her estate implemented.
Whenever guests came over and the security guard at the gate would dial Manda's house code, she only had to press the number four on her keypad to let the person in.
“That's Anna. She's here,” I said to Manda. She nodded and tapped at her keypad.
I sat up from bed and slipped my socks back on. My shoes were under Manda's bed so after I'd fished them out, I wore them and stood up. I was just about to swing the bedroom door open without saying goodbye to my best friend.
Manda was quick to sit upright, “Paiten, wait.”
I paused at the doorway and turned my head slightly to look at her.
“Are you okay? You seem kind of off,” Manda asked me and for the first time that night she finally paid attention to me.
“Yeah Manda, I'm fine.”
There was this look in her eye, like she didn't know what to do or say to me. She bit her lip.
“Well, let me walk you to the door.”
She stood up from the bed and joined me and we made the short trip to her front door. Anna's headlights came into view and the dread within me grew.
“I'll see you on Monday,” Manda said.
“Yes,” I said and wrapped my arms around her waist while she wrapped her arms around my neck in a tight hug.
“Love you forever, BFFALE,” she murmured over my shoulder and while it usually made me feel all warm on the inside, today, her words had no effect on me.
“Love you for always,” I replied.
I chose to ride shotgun in Anna's sedan. I hadn't seen her since the bedroom incident and I didn't know how to act around her. I'd done an amazing job at ignoring her in the past week, my best method of coping was pretending like she didn't exist and trying to act as though what I'd seen on Monday was a cruel hallucination.
But now that I was here, in her fucking car and she looked absolutely adorable in a sweater and leggings, with a pair of plain black reading glasses perched on her nose, it was hard to ignore her existence and I hated her for it.
Anna greeted me and I grunted something back in response and settled to listen to music on my phone while we made the drive to my house.
I began to think back on everything that had happened this week, specifically what had happened today and I felt something inside of me sink in despair.
Why did Anna being with my dad bother me so much? Why did Darren being with Manda bother me the way that it did? Why was the idea of another boy putting his hands on my best friend so offensive to me and why couldn't I enjoy it when the same attention was given to me from another boy? Why didn't I find pleasure in what Collin and I had done?
Girls my age were getting their souls fingered out of their bodies and they were having the fucking time of their lives, Amanda included yet everything within me cried in protest when Collin had touched me.
I can't say that he had violated me, because I knew that if I told him no, he would've stopped. Collin was a gentleman, a sweet and quiet boy. He would never, ever hurt me.
The problem was me, it was obviously me. I was the common denominator in all of my problems and I didn't know what to do about it. I wanted my dad to be happy, he deserved it and Anna was making him happy.
Manda is the most amazing girl I've ever known and Lord knows she deserves to be with someone who makes her light up the way Darren does. She deserves that happiness and I want to be happy for her, I do, but the small, fucked up place in my soul didn't want them to find happiness outside of me, because then I'd get left behind.
I'd be forgotten like yesterday's newspaper while my loved ones got to experience love all the way to their fingertips.
Dad has Anna and Manda has Darren, where do I fit into the equation?
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned my head to see that Anna was looking at me with concern in her eyes. I blinked and a tear flowed down my cheek.
“What's wrong, Paiten?”
Even in the dark, I could see the way her eyes shone with concern for me and I wanted to smack the look off of her face. How dare she look at me like that, like she cared.
I looked out of the window and realised that we were home. I opened the door and jumped out without so much as another word to her. I reached the front door and unlocked it and could hear Anna's steps right behind me.
Why was she here anyway? Did she not have a home of her own? Why did she insist on invading my personal spaces? God, I hated her.
I made a beeline for the stairs, with the intent of going up to my room and locking myself away for the rest of the weekend.
“Paiten, wait,” Anna huffed as I attempted to scale the stairs.
“What do you want?” I said to her. I was so tired, so, so tired. My voice was so strained and my eyes shone so hard with tears that I couldn't see. I had meant to say those words to her with a firm tone so she could get the message and leave me the hell alone, but it came out as more of a whine.
I stood in front of the staircase, with my chest rising and falling in quick successions. Anna just tilted her head to the side, like she understood exactly what was wrong with me and that just made something inside of me break into tiny millions of pieces.
“Listen, I don't know what's got you so upset, but whatever it is, you'll be okay,” she said and then her arms came around me and my head tucked perfectly under her chin. She smelled like lavender and chamomile and it was the most comforting scent I'd ever smelled.
My lips parted and tiny breathy sobs left my lips and tears ran down my face. I stopped trying to fight against what I was feeling and I let the tears come. I sank further into Anna, holding onto her like she had the answers to all of my problems.
The sobs finally ceased a little while later and I detached myself from the woman in front of me. I wiped at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater. Anna just watched me without a word and it unnerved me a little.
“Please don't tell my dad...” I murmured.
“Of course I won't Sweetheart, I'll never tell him something that you're not comfortable with him knowing.”
I nodded and continued to wipe at my eyes.
“Feeling better?” Anna asked. Her gaze was still kind, still concerned and I still kind of hated her for it, but not so much anymore.
I shrugged, “I, uhm, I'm gonna go to my room now,” I said and dashed up the stairs before she could say anything else.
Who would've thought, that the one person who I had felt the most threatened by, would be the one I would draw the most comfort from?
A U T H O R N O T E
Glossary
laërskool – Afrikaans-medium primary school
legusha – South African indigenous game, involving stockings and good leg skills, usually played by girls
fila – ethnic term used in games, referred to the act of place holding.
doy – ethnic term used in games to say foul
yaz / yazin – ethinic term(s) used in the place of the Zulu phrase uyazini, meaning, you know/you know what
mulungu – ethnic term used for white person