Exploded
Monday
"Hi," said Jesse as I walked up to school. "You walk too?"
"Not anymore," I grumbled.
I'd suddenly found an excuse to make mom let me buy a skateboard-but it wouldn't be the same excuse I was going to tell of course. She didn't need to know Jesse was back. Her life didn't depend on it so it really didn't matter in my mind.
"Can't you at least tell me what happened to you?" he asked stubbornly. He has always had matched been the one person to out stubborn me.
"Go away before I flip you again," I snapped, for the first time giving the person a verbal warning. The other times you guessed, guessed too late, or you were to oblivious to guess it would happen to you.
Jesse took a step back. "Oh, come on."
"What?!" I snapped. "You were always great at making friends-so go make friends and leave me alone!"
"What about that boy...um, Calvin, right?" Jesse asked and I stomped up to him, grabbing his ear.
"Leave him alone too," I demanded.
"What's he to you?" he asked.
I opened my mouth but found myself unable to say anything. Calvin Eaton was an outsider. Was he really my friend? Could I really admit one of the kids I used to pick on was now my friend? One that just might turn out better than Jesse because I wouldn't crush on him like I had Jesse?
Suddenly Jesse was decked. I walked backwards, still unable to talk. Calvin towered over Jesse, who was smart enough to stay in the ground.
My jaw dropped and I thought in astonishment, Calvin. Just got physical?! Since when did he lay a finger in anyone?! Wh-wha..?
Jesse looked up at me. "Boyfriend?"
"No," I spat.
"Buzz off," ordered Calvin.
Jesse scrambled up and ran away like a dog fleeing with it tail tucked between its legs.
I gawked at Calvin.
"What?" he asked innocently as the students passing stared at Calvin.
"You..." I began in awe but shook my head as I trailed off. "Just never mind!"
~
"You're Calvin...Eaton, right?" a girl asked Calvin.
They were in history and the bell hadn't rung yet so everyone was talking amounts themselves - well, except the outsiders cowering in the back.
The other outsiders stared at Calvin. They waited patiently, watching. Calvin wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. They were wondering if he was just going to look down and not answer shyly, give her an acknowledging nod or strike up an actual conversation with this girl. She wasn't the most popular girl in school, but she certainly had a lot of friends.
Calvin gulped and squeaked, "Y-yeah?"
"So, you we're the one that saved that bully...um, Rachel! I heard you totally flipped that guy like twice before he gave up and ran away!" she exclaimed happily.
If the outsiders around him had been cartoons their jaws would be on the ground.
"No, I-uh-I-I-"
"That's awesome!" she yelled, ignoring him.
Suddenly Calvin was on his feet before he realized it. He towered over the girl like he did most people. She stepped back, intimidated. Calvin immediately sat back down.
So...that's what it feels like? I'd forgotten how it feels, Calvin thought, for his first in a very long time, he knew what it was like to be intimidating.
"No, I just pushed him to the ground," Calvin muttered his lie.
The girl looked a little disappointed but those sitting around him still stared at him like he was crazy.
Calvin remembered decking Jesse. How he'd hated the feeling, and the feeling if being the one to intimidate. It was a sense of power, a power Calvin didn't want and had learned only bad thing come with it.
"Huh? Oh, they must've just been rumors then," she mumbled and walked away to exchange whispers with her group of friends.
Throughout the class period, they made it hard for Calvin. They refused to stop looking back at Calvin and he knew they were gossiping about him. He kept his eyes done and instead if taking notes, he nervously tore up a piece if paper. By the time the bell finally rang, and he expected his agony to end, the pieces were too small to write more than a single tiny letter on them.
Calvin raced out of class so fast his chair fell onto its side, but he didn't dare look back.
~
The bell rang and I walked out of Mrs. Bullshit's English class. The drama performance would be soon. I hadn't listened to the date, but we'd been going to the theater to practice more and more each class.
Tired and annoyed, I pushed people out if my way to get to my locker, not caring when they ran into someone or something.
Suddenly someone ran into me. They hit me hard. I found myself in my butt the next second and my head whipped up to see my offender.
Calvin.
I sighed, instantly knowing it was an accident and I opened my mouth to tell him to watch where he was going, but he spoke up before I could.
"S-Sorry!" He raced away, disconcerted.
What's his problem? I wondered as I got up and brushed myself off.
I noticed people staring and scowled. "Well?! If you're not going to say it to my face, then shut up. God, everyone here is a coward!"
I realized I'd pretty much just asked them to stand up against me.
Shit! Why can't I just shut up?! I thought angrily and stormed off, all eyes glued to me.
~
It was lunch when I went to my locker and found Calvin pacing next to it nervously.
"What's up with you?" I asked Calvin, letting him know I'd arrived to where he waited impatiently for me.
Calvin turned to me abruptly and narrowed his eyes. "What exactly is Jesse to you? Since he came, I've been getting noticed more! Why does he follow you like some fucked up puppy?!"
That was not what I had expected as Calvin's reply.
"Uh..." I started, stunned.
"Don't 'uh' me! I never wanted to be noticed! Why do you think I never used my size for my advantage?! I just wanted to get revenge on Henry and Will even though I do not like you!"
"Good! Because I don't like you either-not in the way I did Jesse!" I blurted out then tried to explain as I felt my stupid freaking cheeks heat up somewhat, "I-I mean, I...He-Jesse-he...We knew each other in junior high, okay?!"
"None of that answers what he is to you now," Calvin snapped, stepping closer to me.
"An inch closer and I will pin you down, Eaton," I threatened and Calvin, knowing I wasn't joking, stopped.
"All I want is an answer," he replied, making himself calm down a little now that I'd threatened him.
"No," was all I replied, taking a step back.
"I'll stop bugging you about it once you tell me the truth he was acting like he'd just fallen into the lion's den and I was the lion. He even had his hands raised slightly, ready if I attacked.
"Let it go," I snarled at Calvin.
"I can be just as stubborn as you can," he challenged and I felt my heart drop but I put up a firm, indifferent wall in order to hide it.
"No!" I screamed.
My past was my past. I had to force myself to believe Jesse really was nothing to me. Calvin was ruining it all, changing it all. And in truth, deep down, I was scared of not only change but everything.
How does one express that when one can't even admit they're feeling is something simple yet profound as the feeling of happiness?
Calvin wasn't backing away. He even took even took a wary, but nonetheless a step forward. I let the fear spark lit up and show in my eyes and I saw Calvin's expression change as he realized he was getting to me.
"What is Jesse to you right now?" Calvin asked slowly.
I shook my head desperately, my eye pleading for him to stop.
"Jesse...Friend?" Calvin cooed but his soft tone only made it worse.
"No-yes! N-no..." Now I was at the weak and unsure stage.
Calvin grabbed my arms and I crumbled as he asked, "Do you like Jesse?"
"Yes!" I shrieked, shoving Calvin away.
Then I lost all control, grabbed his wrist, and flipped him onto his back with celerity.
"Fuck," complained Calvin with a groan of pain.
With Calvin no longer being the only one I was staring at-because he'd been blocking my view being tall, scary, and all-I could see Jesse standing there with his jaw ready to drop.
My lie had been bubbling over and before I could stop it it had exploded.
Feeling like there was only one thing I could do, I did it. And ran home.
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