Drink after drink after drink, until the burn was no more in both his throat and his heart.
The warmth didn't wash over his body as deep as he'd hoped it would be, but it was a start. Nothing, he was sure, that couldn't be fixed with a little more alcohol in his blood and his brain.
People smiled and walked up to him, clapping him on the back and forcing a mechanical similar sound from him to keep up pretenses, and everyone was either too distracted or inebriated to notice. It was, one after another, "Happy birthday Anthony!"'s from every mouth and then nothing much more.
He was fine with that. He really was. He wasn't so sure he could hold a conversation today, sky-high alcohol content or not.
Someone tapped his shoulder and he turned, looking down into brown eyes and thin brows furrowed, looking him over with an odd brightness. He was relieved at the sight of him anyway.
"Adam," he breathed, just barely not a slur.
"Chilled," his friend replied, frowning and seeming almost disappointed. "Are you trying to drown yourself, or should I be staging an intervention?"
A giggle rose in Anthony's throat, but he wasn't quite gone enough to not squash it down. "I... It's my birthday, I figured I should have some fun."
"Drinking alone isn't fun. You don't even like to drink."
Anthony shut his eyes, the lights too bright- or maybe the judgement and concern in Adam's expression. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not," Adam said, stating it more than correcting. "You're not fine, your best friend just broke up with you after two years, and you can't just pretend everything is fine."
Anthony turned his gaze to the cup in his hands determinedly. He looked up to Adam a lot, over anyone else besides perhaps Sark, and hearing this from him was slowly eating away at his walls he'd built over the last day.
"So?" he mumbled, aware he sounded ridiculous.
A flash of anger, or irritation, or something along those lines, it was kind of fuzzy now. "So? So, you needed to talk to people. You still can. We're all friends with Ze, but we're friends with you too."
Ze.
Anthony's hand clenched a little tighter on his cup, crinkling it, and the motion didn't escape Adam's notice.
Funny, how his thoughts could do nothing but circle around the object of his torment, but in the last day he hadn't actually touched on the object itself.
"I-" he started, but his voice cracked and he screwed his eyes shut. A hand took his elbow gently, pulling him somewhere he couldn't find the energy to open his eyes and look for. He was pushed forward and heard a door click shut, and only then did he finally take a shaky breath and open them. It was the patio, and he appreciated the light chill on his face even as his breath came faster.
Adam was upset, he saw that clearly even in his lowered to perception, and the older was watching him closely. "Anthony," he said, and instantly Anthony knew he was serious. "I don't do- this- well, but I'm not going to let you bottle this shit up."
"Have you talked to Ze?" Anthony asked suddenly, nearly accusing, and Adam's eyes narrowed in his direction before he nodded, once, quick. "Did he tell you why?"
"I think you should talk to him," Adam responded, dodging the subject, and even in his inebriation Anthony could easily see it.
"If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me," he said in turn, pouty and irritated, and just as he was about to turn back inside Adam's phone rang, making him jump with the way it cut cleanly through the heavy air.
"Wait," Adam commanded sternly, and Anthony stilled on the deck as Adam withdrew his phone and reentered the house, any talk he might have overheard fading into a muffled sound.
He fully intended to wait for Adam to come back, and maybe finish his drink in the meantime, but as he looked through the sliding door his eyes caught someone standing in the front entryway, and his blood stilled. They met eyes, and Anthony's instincts gave him orders in a rapid pace.
Open the door, dash down the hall, up the stairs, push past the guests, open the bedroom door, and slam. Safe. He caught his breath, closed his eyes and sat with his back against the door, calming himself as well as he could.
Except, it was only a few moments before a knock came on the other side of the door. He jumped, tensing nervously, only realizing then that he'd spilled the remainder of his beer on himself in his hurry. He tried his voice, finding it wasn't as stable as he would have wished, but he tried anyway. "... Adam?"
Quiet. And then, the voice- he knew it was him, of course it was him, it shouldn't have been and yet it was. "... No."
He shivered, shaking his head, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was ashamed, he could not believe he'd actually fled like a little kid just on sight, but he really couldn't stand to look. "What do you want, Ze?"
"I want you to be okay?" The response was uncertain, and also forceful, and Anthony didn't understand it. "I just- god, buddy, I didn't know that- I still want you to be my friend, I still care about you-"
"No," Anthony interrupted, voice and hands a bit shaky from emotion, and he shook his head. "No, if you cared, you wouldn't have done this to me."
"Broke up with you?" Ze asked, suddenly sounding more annoyed. "Because it was going to happen, you know it was-"
"I didn't," Anthony corrected abruptly, shaking his head even though Ze couldn't see. He laughed, at his patheticness and also at the situation and also to relieve some of the straining emotion in his heart. "I- look, I'm drunk. I'm so goddamn drunk, and it's my birthday, and you broke up with me the night before my birthday, and I really- I want to know why, that's all."
The silence lasted so long, long enough Anthony wondered if he'd left, if he'd heard any of that. And then the doorknob turned, and Ze was trying to get in. Anthony dug his heels into the ground, and propped his back against the door to force it back.
"Let me in," Ze said, not a request, and Anthony hesitated. But some part of him longed to see Ze, even if it wasn't the same, and a bigger part wanted to just talk, and yet another part wanted his best friend. So he stood up slowly and unblocked the door.
Ze opened the door and closed it behind him in an easy motion, leaving Anthony self-conscious with the beer spilled on his shirt and his puffy eyes and his general state of wreckery. Ze noticed it and took a few seconds, clearly surprised, and seemed to almost restrain himself from walking over to him. For that, Anthony was grateful.
"I talked to Adam."
"I know."
Ze tilted his head. "He told you?"
"He told me he talked to you," Anthony confirmed, tone neutral. "He didn't say what about. But he said I should talk to you."
"I want you to talk to me," Ze insisted, walking forward, and Anthony sat on the edge of his bed. After a few moments of what seemed to be inner debate, Ze joined him. "When you're- less drunk." If Anthony hadn't known better, he could have sworn he heard amusement in Ze's tone. His suspicions were confirmed when he saw the corners of Ze's lips turn up, and he rolled his eyes as he shifted away.
"I know, I'm a drunk mess," he said, and they both snorted. It it dissolved some of the tension, which he was thankful for. He shook his head and sighed, pushing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I- Ze, I'm still in love with you. I don't know- best friends? I don't know if I can do that right now."
He heard and felt Ze breathe next to him. "I'm sorry Chilled."
"What about?" and the question was genuine.
Ze hesitated, thinking over his wording. "For the timing? For... leaving you like this? I don't want you out of my life, I don't want you hurting."
"You just don't want me," Anthony said, more bitterly than he'd intended. The affirmation was in Ze's silence. "Why?"
"There's different kinds of love, y'know?" Ze said slowly, leaning slightly against Anthony, and Anthony let him. "Maybe how I used to love you was different, but for a long time now I don't think I've been in love with you. I love you a lot, I love you so much, don't twist this like I don't. But I love you like a brother, or- something. I love you more than anyone except maybe my family, and you're equal to them then. It's been a long time coming, and I love you, and I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."
They were both quiet, Anthony digesting his words and Ze wondering if he'd said enough, if he'd said it right. They both watched out the window of Anthony's room until suddenly the older was nodding, accepting.
"... Thank you. For explaining."
"I don't want you to leave my life," Ze jumped in, immediately after Anthony stopped speaking. "I really don't think I could stand that. I want you to be okay, and I want you to still be with me."
"I think-" Anthony's voice cracked, and he shook his head, only increasing the drunken thudding within. "Yeah, I want to try that. Please."
Ze turned to him, opening his arms in offering, and the pair hugged tightly- on Anthony's bed, in the middle of a party downstairs, on Anthony's birthday, smelling like beer, and both a bit shaky.
A sudden knocking on the door made both of them just and separate, looking to it. Stupidly, Anthony blinked at his door before calling with a, "Yeah?"
"I told you not to leave," Adam said, sounding almost scolding, and Ze actually giggled in amusement next to him. Anthony shoved him in the arm, walking to the door and opening it up.
He wasn't sure he could get over Ze, but he was certain he didn't want to lose him completely.