I paced. Short, fast steps. Back and forth. Back and forth.
What was happening?
Everything Rafe had told me was at war with everything I'd just seen.
I cannot believe she shut the door on my face like that.
"Are you going to keep pacing or come inside?"
I snapped my head to the side to look at Rafe as he leaned casually against the threshold of the entrance to his room.
I'd been in front of his room for at least ten minutes now. I noticed that he'd opened the door a few seconds after I'd started pacing, but I'd ignored him, letting my thoughts overwhelm me, while he waited patiently, letting me vent out my frustration in short quick circular steps.
I stopped before him.
"Can you or can you not have sex?" I asked.
Rafe didn't even flicker a lash at that question.
"Yes, I can have sex." He said, his broad arms crossed, muscles bulging as he leaned forward a little to meet my gaze.
I waved my hands, "No, I mean, can you have sex before you surrender to you partner?"
Rafe straightened, dropping his arms. His expression became guarded.
"Why are you asking me this?" He said.
I swallowed.
"Answer my question," I said.
Rafe's jaw clenched.
"No, we cannot have sex without surrendering to our partners." He said, finally.
I rubbed a hand down my face.
"Why are you asking me this?" He asked again, stepping towards me, his hands cupping my throat, thumbs pressing against my jaw and lifting my head up.
"Is there ever...abuse in relationships between ethrés?" I whispered.
Rafe's eyes swept over my features, flicking between both of my eyes.
"Why would you ask such a thing?" Rafe asked, dropping his forehead to mine.
I swallowed and just as I was about to tell him everything, I remembered Kylee's request...asking me not to say anything.
The opposite needs warred against me, pulling me apart. Do I tell or not?
I licked my lips, leaned back and shook my head.
"Just curious." I said.
Rafe's eyes narrowed and he dropped his hands, before catching my chin in between his forefinger and thumb.
"You are lying." He said, his gaze dark on my face.
I thought about the mark on her cheek. The look on her face. Her denial. Her child.
Screw this.
"I don't..." I took a deep breath, rubbing a hand down my face, dislodging his hold on me in the process. God, I feel like I can't breathe.
How do I say this to him without giving away too much?
Should I respect her wishes?
But she was being hit.
I squared my shoulders.
"Want to take a walk?" He asked.
My eyes snapped up to meet his. How did he know that's what I needed?
He raised his eyebrows, questioningly. I nodded quickly, reaching out to take his hand in mine, twining them together. Needing something to ground me.
He lead me towards the elevator and once we entered, he tugged me closer with the grip he had on my hand and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
I let out a breath at the contact, squeezing my eyes closed, my fingers reflexively clutching his tighter.
When we stepped outside the main entrance and walked into the cool night air, I took a deep breath in. He led me quietly to the edge of the forest and I followed him easily.
When he continued to lead me deeper into the thick forest, I followed, no feelings of trepidation in me. I contemplated this feeling, wondering why I felt so safe around him, but I couldn't come up with a perfect answer. It was just how he made me feel. It was just...it was...
It just was.
When we stopped, I leaned against a tree with a large trunk and slid down, crossing my legs under me. Rafe joined me at my side, his feet stretched out before him.
He didn't rush me and that helped. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the rough bark and inhaled.
Then I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were already on me.
"Would you ever hit me?" I asked him.
"What do you think?" Rafe asked me, his eyes glittering dangerously.
I sighed, then turned around so that my shoulder brushed the trunk now, my crossed knees brushing his thigh and hip.
"Do C'Riel men hit...women?" I asked.
I knew I'd asked something wrong because Rafe's eyes went dark and his jaw clenched.
I held my arms up.
"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to offend you, I'm just trying to understand." I said.
"Understand what, exactly?" He gritted out.
I huffed.
"I saw that asshole's fingerprint marks on Kylee today." I said, then clarified, "That C'Riel she's always hanging around with."
Rafe leaned forward.
"What did you see?" He asked me.
I explained what I'd seen, stumbling over the words, but Rafe seemed to understand.
Then his angry eyes flicked to mine.
"What does this have to do with the question you had asked about sex and ethrés?" He asked.
I swallowed, then took the leap.
"She's pregnant." I said.
Rafe went unnaturally still, his eyes burning into both of mine.
"Who is the father?" He asked slowly when I didn't continue on my own.
"The asshole." I said.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
I nodded, "He said so himself," I told him.
Rafe took a sharp breath and lept to his feet and started pacing, muttering under his breath.
Yeah, I feel you buddy.
"But you told me—" my voice broke and Rafe stilled, his eyes snapping to meet mine, "You said...that nothing can...that C'Riel cannot have any kind of physical intimacy without—"
Rafe was in front of me the next instant, one knee pressed to the slightly damp soil and his other foot pressed to the ground with his arm propped on his upright knee.
"Hills, I did not lie. We cannot and do not indulge in any physical intimacy before surrendering."
"So the asshole has surrendered..?" I trailed off when I saw his face.
Rafe stood up, running his hands through his hair.
"I do not think so." He said.
I stood up too, "Then, how?" I asked, tossing my hands in the air.
Rafe's eyes slashed to mine.
"You do not have to worry about this. I will handle it." Rafe said.
"Handle it? She's already pregnant! And he hit her today! She was on the floor and crying!"
Rafe turned to face me, his fists clenched by his sides.
"Shift her to my room. I don't want her to be alone where he has more chances of cornering her." I said.
Rafe's jaw ticked.
"I do not make decisions based on your wishes," he said.
I stared at him.
Then I turned and started to walk away. Rafe was in front of me in a mere second and I stopped, not looking into his eyes, my own hands in fists.
I stepped to the side and he was there, I turned around and he was there.
"I cannot believe you just said that." I said, softly, when he didn't move.
"It is not untrue."
I stared up at him, then.
"What happens to you? You're fine one second and the next you do something that pushes me away. Sort out what you want, Rafe. I'm tired of this." I said, turned away.
He was there too. Making a frustrated sound, I tried to walk around him, but he caught my arm, jerking me to him.
"So what if I go back and forth? Stop walking away." He snarled at me.
"It's my Goddamned feet! I can do what I want with them!" I snapped, trying to twist my arm from his hold.
"Have you ever considered why I go back and forth before you get into one of your tantrums?" He said.
I glared at him then kicked him in his shin.
"Asshole." I snapped at him but he didn't even wince, taking the assault with a stony face.
"Like you ever talk to me. I've asked and asked. But how can I talk to someone who doesn't want to speak?" I asked.
"Fine. Ask me now."
"What the hell is your bloody problem?" I snapped at him.
The next second my back hit the trunk of a tree and he had locked me in between both of his arms, his hands pressed against the rough bark.
"It is because I have not surrendered to you yet and while I know it has to be you, a part of me still wonders if I am giving myself away to someone who is not my ethré." He says, each word practically digging me further into the wood of the tree.
He pressed his forehead to the trunk beside my head, his lips close to my ears. I turned to my head a little to the side to try to see his face. But I couldn't see anything but his ear and a bit of his jaw. My forehead brushing his cheek.
"I thought you confessing to me would do it, but I do not know why..." He stopped, but the harsh breaths he was taking brushed our chests together.
I let out a slow breath, lifting my hands to slide up his back. I pulled him closer and he let me. Once he was pressed against me, I turned my face to the side, pressing my ear against his heart.
"It's okay," I whispered to him softly, rubbing his back, coaxing him to relax into the hug.
He let out a harsh breath against my ear and like he couldn't help himself, his own hands lifted off the trunk to curl around me, pulling me further into the embrace. I lifted my head a little, nestling my nose against the base of his throat.
"I'm sorry this is hard for you," I murmured, smiling when his arms tightened around me, his warmth seeping into me.
"But I promise you, you're not the only one scared. I'm scared too," I whispered, then in a lower voice I added, "Especially because there's no part of me that isn't already yours."
He let out another breath, our chests rising and falling in tandem.
We were quiet for sometime, breathing each other in. Our embrace becoming tighter rather than looser as time went by.
"Do you want to talk about what you told me just before my room was blown to smithereens?" He asked me, his voice soft, coaxing.
I remember exactly what I had said.
I squeezed my already closed eyes.
"What's there to talk about?" I asked.
He chucked into my ear.
"You told me, indirectly, about how you felt about me. How about going about it the right way, this time?"
"Will I get a reciprocal reply?" I asked.
When he kept quiet, I leaned my head back to look at his face. He looked down at me, his arms tightening, like he thought I would pull away.
I leaned back in, "That's what I thought."
"So you will not confess unless I do?" He asked.
I shrugged.
"Surrender to me and I'll think about it." I commanded.
He physically jerked against me, letting out a harsh word, followed by another. When I leaned back, his eyes were all amber.
"You okay?" I whispered.
He blinked, "You are definitely my ethré." He whispered fiercely, "I just do not why I am not—"
I freed my hand from under his grip and pressed two fingers to his lips.
"If you haven't surrendered, there must be a reason. Don't rush it, Rafe. It will happen."
"It already should have. I do not understand why—" he stopped talking, his breath harsh against the quiet night, his arms tight around me.
Despite the crushing nature of his embrace, I'd never felt more free in my life before.
"Does this bother you?" I asked, "That you're taking so long to surrender?"
"It is driving me out of my mind," he confessed, his voice low, angry and frustrated, "I feel..."
He didn't finish his sentence but I waited, knowing he was thinking. I leaned my head back and he looked down at me, his hardened expression softening a little.
He dipped his head lower, brushing his nose against mine.
Why won't you kiss me?
I didn't realise I'd asked it out loud until he leaned back, shock reflecting in his eyes.
"I cannot." He stressed, his voice strained.
"I really want you to." I whispered, looking away, battling the need to be closer to him.
He pressed his lips as close as possible to my lips, just short of the centre.
"I...cannot." He said again, sounding more tortured than I'd ever heard him.
"I want more." I confessed, the darkness, his closed eyes and pained expression giving me the courage to speak my wishes out loud.
Rafe let out a soft word in his language, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Believe me, so do I." He said.
"Then why won't you?" I whispered, my voice bordering on a plea.
His eyes snapped open.
"Do not look at me like that. I want to give you everything you want. I am not able to and it is killing me. Just...do not look at me like that." He murmured back, his lips brushing my cheek.
I dropped my eyes, swallowing, my heart racing at a fast pace, each beat chasing its predecessor. I closed my eyes and leaned back into his embrace so that he couldn't see my face anymore.
"What are you thinking?" He asked after I'd been quiet for sometime.
"Nothing...everything."
We went quiet again for sometime.
"What do we do about Kaylee?" I asked.
"I will take care of it." He said.
I leaned back and he slowly, let go of me, his fingers tracing a reluctant path down my back and around my hips and then finally to his side.
My eyes flashed to his before I looked away, trying to keep the heat from his embrace from escaping by hugging myself.
We walked quietly all the way to the elevator.
I stopped the elevator at Kylee's level, hoping she'd open the door for me, but she didn't. Even after having waited for ten minutes and sending her multiple messages asking her to open the door and telling her I just wanted to talk.
Rafe waited by the elevator the whole time, holding it for me until I was ready to go back.
I finally gave up and trudged back to the elevator clicking the digit that lead to floor I stayed on. But he stopped me when I started to get off at my level. I looked at his grip on my hand and then up at him.
"Stay with me tonight." He said.
I started to uncurl his fingers from my arm.
"Not tonight." I said.
He curled his fingers back, resisting my attempts to remove his grip.
"Why not?" He asked.
I let out a breath, dropping my hand, giving up on making him let me go.
"I just need some space tonight." I told him.
"Space from what?" He asked, crowding me against the side of the elevator.
I pressed one hand to his chest, to keep him back—not that it would help, he was way too strong. But it helped me remember.
I let out a breath, rustling the hair that had fallen around my face.
"I want more than you're giving me right now, and if I stay with you tonight I just know it's going to end in a fight." I said.
"Fight about what?" He asked, slowly.
"I will ask you for something and you won't give it to me because your culture and your kind do not believe and follow the same thing I do. I'm trying to be understanding, but I just know if we're in a closed room I will push. And you'll push back."
"I do not care if we fight. And you do not have to be understanding. Ask for whatever you want, I have never stopped you." He said.
"You've never stopped me, but there's only so many times a girl can ask for something without feeling the sharp sting of rejection."
He opened his mouth but I stopped him before he could speak.
"I know you're not rejecting me, but you can't stop my mind from thinking that anyway." I told him.
Rafe let out a breath.
"Stay anyway. Fight. Push. I do not care. I—"
Rafe stopped short when he saw me press the heel of my hands to my eyes to keep them from stinging with tears.
"Amour." He murmured, pressing himself against me, clutching my fingers and tugging on them.
I sniffed and felt Rafe still against me, he tugged on my hands more insistently and I had no choice but to drop them to my side.
I looked to the side, thankful that the tears that had stung my eyes had not fallen. He caressed his thumb gently under my right eye.
"Why are you crying?" He asked.
"I don't know," I said, "I guess today was just a little...overwhelming."
He made a sound at the back of his throat, pulling me back against him, wrapping his arms around me.
I kept my arms caught between us, pressed against his chest.
"What can I do?" He asked me.
I pushed at him, sniffing once more. I closed my eyes, trying to gain a semblance of control again and walked around him, exiting the elevator.
He followed closely behind as I ran my bracelet over the Identity Screen and stepped in when it opened.
He followed me in and I didn't stop him. I took off my communication device and placed it aside, pulling my hair back and piling it on top of my head. I rubbed my fingers against my forehead before sighing and dropping my hands.
I went to my closet and when it opened, I found that all my clothes were back. Throwing an innocent looking Rafe a stern glance, I pulled out a faded oversized shirt and stepped into the bathroom. I took off my suit and placed it into the cleaning compartment and pulled on this shirt which fell mid-thigh.
I walked out, climbing onto my bed and laying back against it. My thoughts wandered to Kylee as I wondered what she was doing.
She didn't let me in her room and basically asked me to stay out of her business and I had no link to her right now.
Maybe she'd been asleep?
Maybe I should give her some time?
But time for what?
To come around?
I knew that abuse often generated feelings of guilt and shame directed inwards. And most often, the victim starts to believe that they deserve the treatment they are receiving.
My thoughts splintered apart forcefully when the bed dipped beside me.
"We would have been more comfortable on my bed, but if this is where you are staying..." He shrugs, laying back next to me.
I turned to my side, testing my chin on my hands.
"Will Your Majesty be able to sleep on the bed of commoners?" I asked, my voice soft, teasing.
He tossed me a bland look, pulling me towards him so fast that I gasped. I ended up resting my head on his arm, his other hand curved on my hip as we faced each other side ways.
"Where is the rest of your clothes?" He asked and I rolled my eyes, kicking my foot against his.
"What about Ryx?" I asked.
"He was already asleep by the time we left for a walk. Today was too exciting for him." Rafe said.
"You don't have to stay." I said, finally.
He was silent for a long time.
"I want to give you as much as I can." He said, and then spread his fingers across my back and pulled me closer, hugging me against him.
I smiled against the skin peeking from the suit at his throat.
"You already do." I breathed.
I don't know if he heard my barely spoken words but I felt his arms tighten around me just as I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
---
---
Both Rafe and I woke up to the most annoying and incessant beeping noise.
As soon as I heard it, I instinctively cuddled further into Rafe, trying to escape the noxious noise and Rafe lifted his head a little, facilitating my movements.
When the noise continued, I let out an annoyed sound, trying to shut my ears.
"Make it stop," I grumbled against Rafe's chest.
"The Leader is quite insistent on meeting you. I do not have the authority to keep the door closed for much longer." The computer in my room informed me.
My eyes snapped open and I looked up at Rafe. Both of us got up, then stared down at my shirt.
But it was too late. The door opened to reveals Rafe's father...and mother.
Rafe smoothly slipped in front of me and I rested my forehead against his back, sighing in the temporary relief of not having them stare at my...attire.
They both walked right in, stopping a few feet away from their son. Rafe's father immediately started spewing things in their language and I winced at his tone.
His mother spoke next, sounding agitated. Then she paused.
"What is she wearing?" She finally asked switching to English, her tone somewhere between shocked and scandalised.
Rafe's shoulders shook and I banged my forehead repeatedly against Rafe's back for having to be in a situation like this.
"You two have been subject to an explosion not even a day ago. An explosion that could have been avoided had you attended your scheduled courses as you were supposed to." Rafe's father said.
"Stop hiding behind him. If you have the gumption to dress this way before a man who has yet to find his ethré, you can step forth and face us."
I have never heard anyone speak with so much disdain ever before. I felt Rafe's back stiffen.
I straightened my back, stepping to the side and standing beside Rafe.
Rafe's spoke then and when he did, his voice came out low and angry. But he didn't speak in English; however whatever he said had his mother's eyes widening, her eyes flitting to me and back. Rafe's father continued to look at him, his gaze staying undeterred from his son's, despite what he was saying.
When everything went quiet I couldn't hold back the words that were the answer to his accusation.
"What I wear and how I dress in my room is nobody's business." I said, "If anything you are intruding."
Rafe's father snapped out something and Rafe's mother started speaking at the same time, both of them training their angry eyes and words at their son.
He stood strong, even looked a little bored. He countered—I think—their sharp words with some of his own.
I watched Rafe's father's eyes glow as their conversation escalated from something that had been just above a normal conversational tone to something that hinted at a lot of hostility.
And I looked at his father, watching his body language carefully. I still remembered the punishment he'd given his son. Something that had left a mark that could be felt through his suit.
I watched as his father's shoulders started to bunch, his hands fisting by his side.
I quickly caught Rafe's fingers in mine, squeezing them in warning. He squeezed them back, letting me know he was aware.
The action was not missed by them, they tracked it with an emotion that I couldn't put a name to.
Why were they so surprised anyway?
His father had already seen me once in Rafe's room after I'd been shot. Granted Rafe had told him it was because I was being kept safe and the Health Centre wasn't exactly able to 'keep me in'.
When Rafe's father took a step forward, I instinctively shifted to the side spreading my stance a little. The action put me in a position where half of Rafe was behind me.
This had both his parents stilling.
"What are you doing?" Rafe murmured softly, our fingers still entwined.
I ignored him, feelings of protectiveness overtaking me as I addressed his parents instead, "Can you please tell me what the problem is? I do not appreciate you coming in here and speaking to him this way."
I was getting tossed off this planet on the next spaceship leaving here.
The room went quiet for more than a minute.
Yep, it was definitely happening.
Then when Rafe's father spoke, his voice raised the hair on the back of my neck.
"Your punishment for your truancy, irresponsibility and debauchery is singular isolation. You will not see one another from today to the next second Day One."
I gasped as I did the math in my head.
"That's fifteen days from now!" I said, aghast, "And how can you do that?"
He just threw me a chilling look in response before flicking his eyes to his son. I turned to look at Rafe too.
Rafe's face was expressionless, but I knew from the grip he had on my hand that he was just as pissed as I was. But he didn't say anything, his jaw clenched and eyes dark.
"Hand me your communication devices." His father commanded.
I stared at him.
Was he serious? Could he even do this? Who gave him the—
I watched as four C'Riel soldiers clad in black suits entered my room.
How had he even summoned them?!
"How are we supposed to keep track of our schedules?" I asked, glaring at the C'Riel who walked around us to my table and confiscated my communication device (and my Com) that has been on it while another C'Riel took away Rafe's.
"Your data pad will provide you the necessary details," Rafe's father said, barley even looking at me.
What the hell? Can he even do this?
My eyes latched onto Rafe's and he seemed to catch the question in them. He nodded, discreetly.
Yes, he can.
I shook my head at Rafe.
Say something, I told him with my eyes. Do something. Make this stop.
He just looked back at me, watching me with no emotion on his face.
Why won't you say anything?
I watched as he was escorted out, his back to me.
I turned to meet Rafe's father's eyes.
"How would you have felt if someone separated you from your wife?" I asked him.
He just stared at me, his expression filling with a kind of remorse that didn't come from him feeling bad for me but more from him thinking how underprivileged I was.
"No individual, no matter who they are, possesses the authority to separate ethrés from one another." He told me.
His mother cleared her throat and I looked at her, "Humans just do not possess the ability to develop such intimate and sacred relationships." She said matter of fairly, throwing me a pitying look.
I could understand exactly what she was implying.
We were just not that evolved.
Those words drove into my heart like a spear.
Maybe it was my fault that he hasn't surrendered to me. Maybe it was something about me.
"You asked for a schedule that does not coincide with his," his father said, "Permission granted."
Fire burned it's way inside me as I watched them walk away, leaving me alone in my room, staring blankly at the wall. I saw red for a long long time.
I don't know how long I stood there but it was only when the computer in my room reminded me I was to get ready so as to catch the Hover to the Educational Centre, did I move.
I went through the whole day numb. The only time I spoke was when I recounted the whole thing to Wolf and Freesia. I didn't see Kylee the whole day and I didn't talk about her either. I needed to speak to her before I spoke about her. And I didn't find her. I asked around but no one saw her. I couldn't find the asshole either.
To distract myself I spoke about what Rafe had revealed to me. That he'd chosen to bring me to this District. The "Privilege" District.
Wolf and Freesia didn't seem the least bit surprised by this. And they finally told me who they were.
Freesia was the daughter of our President.
And Wolf was the son of the owner of the company that developed those supplement pills that had kept us alive all this time.
I wisely kept my comments about the pills to myself, seeing no point in bringing it up.
I didn't see Rafe the whole day. Or the next. Or the day after that.
Not in the kitchens, or the fields, in the Common Cabin or even at Infant Care. My sole consolation was my friends and Kila who was really starting to open up. She was able to walk around now albeit still needing some support—like a person's hand or the wall. But I knew that without Rafe and me working together, my progress with Kila was that much hindered.
Kylee was studiously ignoring me. I don't know why. She seemed to always know where I was because as I entered a room, I would watch her leave. And if I ever followed her, I wouldn't be able to find her or if I ever did, she would just shake her head at me and tell me there was nothing she had to say to me and my judgements. She never gives me any time to explain and her behaviour towards me added to my already building frustrations.
I didn't see Rafe until seven days of our punishment was over.
And that was the worst day and the best day of my life all wrapped into one screwed up package.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Budamdamdam!
Do you guys notice how I always make music sounds?
Gosh, I'm weird.
Hope you liked. Lemme know what you think.
Until next time, cupcakes!
❤️