I missed work; by the time I woke up my shift had ended. I groaned. Dipper and Mabel we're probably waiting for me somewhere. I'm such a fuck up. Josh was still sleeping. I wrote on a sticky note and left it on his forehead. A car pulled up into the driveway as I walked away. The sound of approaching feet was Josh.
"Why couldn't you just ask me to drive you?" He asked still tired but upset.
"I just needed to be alone that's all."
There was no answer. Josh dragged me to his dad's car. His dad threw him the keys. They was spitting images of each other. It was amazing. I wonder if I look like my parents. What if I have a twin and they didn't want me? Makes sense. I don't want me.
"You look like your dad," I say.
"That's an insult Ryan." That made me laugh.
I called my boss on the ride home. She yelled at me, called me worthless and I should have came in. I'm almost glad I didn't come in. I did promise to come in tomorrow just so my hours match up. Josh helped me carry my plants inside. One runt was sitting at the table. I don't even know their names; that's where the runts come in. I never bothered to know them.
"Is this your boyfriend? You and mom have cute boyfriends" she said innocently.
Oh gosh. Boyfriend. Mom's boyfriend. I clearly missed something important while being in my dungeon. Josh pretended not to hear. Thankfully. We spoke on the porch some. He suggested some more bands and took his departure. I picked up my plants.
She asked "Can I have one?"
She wanted the Venus fly trap. I was tempted to say no but my insecurity was being unable to identity someone. I let her pick one. Of course she took the one I had already named. It didn't matter. I'm sure later on I'll get another one. Until the other runt wanted one and then mom. So I only got one plant today but everyone seemed happy with them. They can never say I never gave them anything.
We did group work in U.S History. It was on the Cold War. Me and Josh with six other people were Warsaw Pact and the rest of the class was NATO. So basically we wasn't supposed to talk to anyone on the other side; making it hard since everyone knew each other in the class. If we did talk to them we'd lost points. At the end of week we had to the arms race. Which was really seeing who could collect the most rocks. Everyone hated it but I was loving it so damn much. I could throw a big one at someone. Or someone could throw a big one at me. It's the perfect idea for death.
It's time I stop involving every situation with death.
My next class was English which I skipped. Which I have been skipping but only appeared on test days miraculously. That also explains the hundred I have in the class. I should really start going more often. I sat in the hallway a nice blindspot until a dean came and pushed me in my English class. This day is moving slower and slower.
Finally during lunch I went to the library. It wasn't a thing I did much but I have no common things except cutting class or myself. Jesus I'm so depressed.
Familiar hands rested on my shoulder. It's like Josh's hand is a perfect fit for my shoulder.
"I didn't know you come here."
"What are you doing? People will see us" I panicked. I wasn't concerned about that. I was more concerned about my nerdy glasses. All them hours I put in looking at tv ruined my eyes.
"Whoa I didn't know you wear glasses. And they're the nerdy ones." I smacked his thigh with a book and walked down the to next row of my addiction. Josh stole my glasses and put them on.
"Man you're blind" he complains.
"No way it's not like I actually wear those. They're just for show." Sarcasm at my finest. He runs away with them in hand. What is this nonsense? I just wanted some books.
I chased after him like we was playing tag. He was having so much fun out of it and I was just trying not to fall on my face with books in my hand. That's too cliche for me accept and I will probably want to die even more if it happens. Josh lead me to an isolated area. This school had far too many blindspots.
"What are you doing? Give me my glasses."
"I'm debating if you're more cute with or without them."
I groaned and gave up. Josh helped pick out some books for me while I was trying to put a contact in. I don't like things touching my eyes. Contacts are the end of my life. How the hell do people even put them in? My glasses rested back on the desk. I sighed in relief.
"Why did you do that?"
"I told you" he began and swiped up my contact lenses. "I wanted to see if you was more cute with or without the glasses." He then threw them out. That didn't matter I had my glasses so I couldn't care about some contacts.
"Do you even have lunch?"
"No I work here. I get out seventh perios and I'm here to ninth. It's only minimum wage but I'm not complaining."
I had no idea you could work in the school library. Almost better than a comic book shop but not so much. It was more money but the boss was a brutal bitch over every little thing.
"What are you doing here?" He asked like some guard of the library.
"I get out after sixth period as well." Sixth period is technically lunch but I call that the end of my day.
Josh got all excited and clapped. I suppose he wanted to me to stay down here after we got out until I had to work. I didn't want to go in today. I got to stop making promising I don't mean.
"Hey Josh can we go back to that plant shop?"
"Like a date?" he says in a very flamboyant way and flicks his eyes closed in a fashion to make his eyelashes make a sound.
"Not like we're going to get plants."
I hope that didn't come off sarcastic. My sarcasm shows at the worst time. This could be one of them.
I looked at the time more than necessary at work. I needed things to pick up the pace. Today was just another slow Tuesday. I normally like Tuesday. They move fast and aren't too dull. I'm depressed but I still got a sense of humor. Towards the end of my shift Dipper and Mabel came in. They went to the back and we played a quick uno. I had two cards left. One plus four and a wild. The game was mine. Until they spoke.
"Ryan, we can't be friends with you anymore."
Holy shot here it is.
"Why?" I ask probably knowing the answer.
"Mom says your depressed" Dipper said.
Mabel added, "She also spoke to your mom. She doesn't think it's safe for us to be around you."
I heard hocking the sounded like it was calling for Dipper and Mabel. God this is painful. I really didn't want this but it's all my fault so I have to accept it. They put their cards down.
"Sorry Ryan" they say in sync and get up to leave. I wave goodbye but no one looks back to someone like me.
I put the cards away. I want to quit this job and my life. Can't I just be a degenerate. I waited about twenty minutes and walked to the front.
"The cameras tell me you just got dumped" my boss says as I leave. She and everyone else is responsible for a suicide note. I ran past Josh but I just kept running. It's not worth the hello or the goodbye unless it's on the news. He was calling out for me. I'm calling out to death.
Running back home I got there before the bus. I close the door but don't lock it. I want someone to find me. I grabbed some advil. I hated swallowing pills but this is my option. Better than bleeding myself dry. I swallow half of it and then took the other half. I laid down and clenched my pillow. A good seventeen years was lived. I'm so ashamed yet proud.
I felt my body being dragged. Is this me dead? Or is a worthless soul trying to save me from a nightmare? I felt my face get pelted with cold water. Not enough to wake me. Until I ended up throwing up in my own tub with fingers down my throat. The hand pulled moved away. I turned around. Only him. I elbowed him. He covered my mouth with one hand and wrapped the other around my stomach. I sealed my mouth shut.
"Come on Ryan spit them all out you dumbass." I tried to get out his grip but it only makes his hand force my mouth open and his fingers back down my throat.
I covered my eyes and sobbed. He pulled me back into and covered my hands with his hands.
He whispered,"You fucking idiot" and kissed the back of my head. My chest hurts. I could have been dead. Josh picked me up and brought me to my room. He turned around while I changed into new clothes.
"You suck."
"I suck because I wouldn't let you kill yourself?" He asked.
"Yes!" I put my head in the pillow. Josh rubbed my head. I appreciate head rubs.
"Don't do something as stupid as that" he says.
"No promises."
Josh ordered chicken tenders and fries. High cholesterol never tasted so delicious before. Now I'm sure he won't leave until mom gets home but that probably won't happen if she's out with the runts.
"I want to read you something I saw on Tumblr but it probably won't make you feel better about the situation."
"And why not?" I asked.
"Probably because it's about all the people missing you but you don't really have people in your life." The doorbell rang a couple of times.
"Some people aren't meant for happy endings."
Josh dipped out my room to go downstairs. I sort of had him. I mean he came by, made me throw up almost every pill I swallowed. He's buying me chicken tenders. So I sort of had him to confine into. But why is he doing all this. Josh came back in holding two bags. He dropped them.
"What the fuck did you do?" He yelled. I didn't even know what he was talking about. "Don't play dumb your nose is bleeding and you didn't notice it."
I looked at my shirt and panicked. By the reaction Josh's face softened up. Probably notice this wasn't my intention.
He's like a nurse in his own way. He managed to stop my unintentional nose bleed. Then we ate the chicken tenders. Without a doubt Josh ordered multiple orders if them. Is this him manipulating me?
"Are you manipulating me with chicken tenders?" I ask and he laughed after seconds of silence.
"No and I don't manipulate people with chicken tenders. Its normally what they want out of a person. But that doesn't mean I'm here to manipulate you."
"So why are you here?"
He walked out the room and yelled "Figure it out Ryan."
I ate some of his fries and the pickles he left untouched. I didn't eat the other order of chicken tenders. Just too full to eat. I hugged my pillow. I wanted to hug a person. Josh came back up and cleaned the little mess up.
"I have to go on home. Well to my mom's house. She doesn't live too far away from here."
"You aren't going to tell anyone about this, right?" Please be right. I'm already worthless.
"This is only between you and me. I put my number in your house phone as the greatest boyfriend of all time."
Okay it's time to go. I want to take a nap; read the books I got and listen to the band's he had suggested me. He kept asking for a hand shake but I wanted a hug. When we was on the porch he held his hand out. Is the handshake supposed to represent how we've grown to be associates? I didn't give him the handshake. I gave him the hug I wanted from someone who had blood. It didn't last long because it was awkward but Josh spun me around and hugged me tighter. I tried to push away but I was locked in a good hug.
I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout but I really enjoyed the moment to the fullest extent. Josh was excellent at giving hugs. He lifted me up and spun me around until I grew nauseous. He put me down softly and walked to his car. I closed the front door and locked it.
Author's note: Thank you so much for reading and make sure to vote. I know the chapters might be a little length; since most of you might be reading on a mobile device I'll try and shorten them.