Author's note: Mwahaha hopefully my evil plan to use suspense is working to keep you all hooked onto my story. And wow just wanted to say all of you who are just even reading and enjoying my story are Magical!!! So just wanted to give a shout out to my BSMF Devin a.k.a. malchick-gey if you wanna read his stories, which I highly recomend they are very good and are in my library. Anyways, Devin is the one who convinced me to write this story. He's the one who got me not to stop writing it. So You all should go and support his stories. Trust me They are really good! Well that's all for now.
Chapter 10 is now in progress! And the evilness of suspense continues!!!!!!
P.S. My drawing of Stevie to the right --------->
(You guys should comment letting me know what you think)
So even though it's been a few years I'm adding this update to all my chapters :) I started a fundraising campaign for 'I just want to be me. (Top surgery) the link will take you to my page. Just reading it means a lot to me as well as spreading the link around. Don't feel the need to donate just trying to get it out there -
http://mk2.gofund.me/9zrxn99s?rcid=3002f662df4411e5b9a2bc764e04c5a7
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Standing up I continued to look at the pavement. I had finally decided I was going to jump. Being me I wasn't afraid of hights so I got as close to the edge as I could. My feet half way off the building, It all hit me at once. Not the fear just the impact it would have on others. How could I let my brother wake up from his coma to his sister's death? How would this affect all of my friends? I had too many people who cared about me to jump. That's what changed my mind. At the last second while I was turning around I herd Tanya and Miyabi screaming my name.
"NOOOO STEVIE!!!! DON'T JUMP!!!!!!!!!!" I heard from a distance away, and it caught me off guard so I whipped around not realizing how slippery the roof was and slipped. All of the sudden everything was in slow motion. I felt my stomach drop and everything was a blur. I was falling to my death and there was nothing I could do about it. At that moment in time I no longer wanted to die. I was afraid. I was falling almost head first.
Everything was still in slow motion it seemed like days had passed by, but really only a few split seconds gone. Utter fear and terror grew inside of me as I drew closer to the ground below. All I could hear was silence even though I was screaming at the top of my lunges. Only another moment and I would smash into the ground. With fear I had never felt before I shut my eyes and waited for impact.
All of the sudden I felt impact, but it wasn't with the ground. At the last second everything was normal speed so I didn't know what I had hit until I saw Miyabi and Tanya as we lied there on the ground. It was lucky that I had fell over the grass and that they were able to get over to me in time to break my fall.
Still in shock I said the first thing that came to my mind, "I'm sorry did I hurt you guys?"
They both looked at me in horror, anger, confusion, and sadness. "Stevie what the hell is wrong with you!?" was the first to come out of Miyabi's mouth.
"Did you honestly try to kill yourself?" Tanya asked with concern in her voice mixed with a 'how could you' type of face.
I couldn't make out any words. I wanted to tell them it was an accident, that I had tripped and I had changed my mind and wasn't going to do it. But there lie the problem. I was going to. Who knew if I would ever change my mind again and actually jump next time. Well I knew for sure that if I ever wanted to kill myself it wouldn't be from jumping off a building. After a few seconds of silence I began to feel tears running down my cheeks. They wrapped their arms around me and let me cry.
I tried to stand up, but a shot of sering pain went up my leg. They carried me into the house. I was soaking we so they got me into the shower and stayed in the bathroom with me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. It didn't matter so much to me, they've seen me naked before. I wasn't self conscious of my body anyhow. I sat there in the bathtub as Miyabi washed my hair and my back. I was to distracted by what had just happened to evev really notice. "Hey Steves, Tanya and I are going to sleep with you tonight after we take you to the hospital to see what happened with your leg ok?"
I nodded still unable to speak. They got me dressed in my little superman undies, a sports bra, my transformer jammy pants, and one of my big guy T-shirts that was just plain black. We climbed into bed. "Steves please tell us what you were thinking," I herd Miyabi ask while we were getting under the blanket.
"I was thinking about jumping, but at the last moment I couldn't stop thinking about you guys and the boys, my brother and my mom. That's what stopped me from jumping. I herd one of you guys say don't jump and when I turned around to see who said it I slipped because it had been raining for hours and I was soaking wet. I'm sorry you guys." I began to cry again.
"Stevie Stevie sweetie, it's alright." Tanya spoke and took me into her. Miyabi just rubbed my back.
"Can you call the boys over here but tell Damien not to freak out on me or I'll probably cry even though I won't want to and then he'll start crying then I'll cry even harder because he's crying and it won't be good."
"Yeah sure, but just rest for right now ok," I shut my eyes in wait for my Bestie Soul Mate Forever, Damien to arrive. I just lied there with both the girl's arms around me. I wish I didn't have feeling for both of them.
Only about 15 minutes had passed and the boys rushed in threw the door. Damien looked like he had been holding back tears mixed with a bit of anger and frustration. He ran over to me and wrapped me in a hug. "Stevie Alexis Erickson! What were you thinking?!"
"Hey Damien calm down ok," Miyabi put a hand on his shoulder, "She didn't jump she slipped and fell."
"Well what were you doing up there in the first place damn it!? Can you guys leave the room for a second I need to talk to her alone." At once I knew what he wanted to talk about. I had tried to commit suicide after my dad had left us. I tried with a noose but Damien walked in on me right before I lost consciousness and got me down. He was the only person who knew about that and he promised me he would never tell anyone about it. "Stevie what went through your head?"
"I couldn't find a way out," I felt my lip quiver as I spoke. "I can assure you though I did NOT jump. I was going to, but then I was walking away when I herd my name then turned around and slipped."
"Why didn't you call me?" He asked looking a bit hurt by the fact I had not.
"I . . . " I didn't know why I didn't call Damien at first, "I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone."
"But you promised me whenever you were feeling like this you would call me," He hugged me tightly.
After a one on one talk with the boy everyone else came back into the room to help take me to the hospital. For some reason I hadn't noticed the sering pain in my leg until the boys picked me up to take me to the car. I screamed out in pain. They got me to the hospital as fast as they could. Everyone had promised not to tell my mom in exchange I wouldn't be left alone for awhile. It didn't matter anyways. I had school tomorrow and after school, work would start again because break week from swimming lessons were over.
We got to the hospital and the Doctor took an X-Rays of my leg. I waited in a little room with Miyabi, while the others were in the waiting room. After a bit, the Doctor came back into the room and told me my leg was broken in two places. Great I was going to have to go to school with a bunch of people asking me how I broke my leg. Also I'd be out of work because I had only started about a month ago and now I was going to be in a cast for weeks. I hated that job anyways.
After awhile they put my leg into a cast. They also gave me some medication to help the pain. One thing that never crossed my mind was how my mother was going to react. I hadn't thought about what she would say or ask until she walked into the room.
"Stevie! How the hell did you break your leg?" She sounded, not to much angry just a bit frustrated that both of her children were in the hospital.
"Did you talk to any of your other kids? Or Tanya?" My mom had only met Tanya once or twice since I had met her. My mother, Damien, Miyabi, Wallace, and I all called the group of them my mother's other kids because I was so close to all of them they almost were.
"Yes, they told me what happened," the doctor left the room, "They told me what happened. How could you even think of doing something like that? What was going through your head Alexis?" My mother always called me by my middle name any time she was upset with me, worried about me, or mad at me.
"Mom, I wasn't going to jump. I slipped and fell. And there's been something I've been meaning to talk with you about," I wanted so bad for my mother to know about my liking girls. She was one of the few, maybe even the only people I told everything to. I needed her advise and I was sure pretty she wouldn't mind too much.
"Sure Honey anything," at first she seemed to be calm and hearing of what I had to say.
"Mom . . ." I paused for a second wondering weather I should tell her or not. I've told her everything else in my life that's happened. This wasn't the worst, or so I thought, "I think I'm gay." The words came out easier than I thought they were going to. I felt a great relief to know that I was out with my mother. It felt like a relief until I saw the look on her face.
"What did you just say?" She asked as if she hadn't herd me, but she really just wanted to be sure before she smacked me.
"Nothing never. . ." And before I could finish my sentence, I was back handed across the face. I began to cry.
My mother took one look at my face and her expression did not change. She was filled with anger and disappointment. "No daughter of mine will go to hell just because she thinks she has an attraction to girls!"
"Mom nevermind forget I ever said anything. I don't know what I'm talking about," I said quickly before I got hit again. My mom never would lay a hand on me unless she was furious with me.
"Damn right you don't and if you really do like girls or even do stuff with them, I never want to see your face again," It was hard to believe my mother was actually saying these words to me. she had never been so terrifying in her life towards my brother and I. I guess I never really knew her like I thought I did.
Tears still running down my face she walked out and didn't look back. I automatically texted Tanya *hey could you, just you, come back into the room?*
only a few moments later I see the most Tanya walk in. She sees me crying and quickly runs over to me. "Stevie what's wrong?"
"I just thought. . ." I covered my mouth and began sobbing, "She would understand."
"Stevie what happened?" She asked hugging me in a worried voice. I couldn't speak. I was even worse off then when I had decided I wanted to jump. She combed her fingers through my hair and comferted me.
I was able to find a few words again, "I came out to my mom, and all she did was slap me and told me how wrong I was."
"Stevie I don't know what the hell is wrong with your mom, but I can tell you this now. You will always have me weather you like it or not." She smiled and lifted my chin up, "I love you Stevie," And it was then that she moved in slowly and kissed me softly.