I can't let anyone in,
I can't trust them enough.
It is impossible for me to let down my boundaries,
To try and hold on to something that isn't there,
Such as a friend who is transparent
Or a string which is too thin to see.
Even though its presence persists it is there,
I cannot find the truth in it.
My days have become mere words
Which in turn,
blur together as pages flip wildly.
My heart was unlocked once,
And once alone.
Like the golden hue of the autumn
It was impossible to keep,
So I fell to my knees and tried to find a way
To stay alive,
to stay open.
But alas you left me
And now I have no one.
Not only did you scar me,
Now I can not learn to trust.
A gentle hand tried once to guide me
But it was only to be zapped away in pain.
Frustration took over the hand,
Which led to the gentleness turning
Into a mutant form;
I was slapped in the face.
The oxygen was gone,
Time had stopped.
The clamour went silent,
Not one thing moved.
All was stoic, cold.
And I was unable to recover.
I discovered that to be loved,
One must love first.
So I could not love,
And nothing could love me.
If I were to be loved first,
Then this pain wouldn't be so intense:
The wounds in my heart would repair;
The air would return to my lungs;
Time would slowly tick again;
Hourglasses symbolizing a life span.
But nay! I shall not live again
Nor shall I ever feel again,
Not one emotion but this pain.
The numbness of the shadows,
They call out softly to me.
Like a demon possesses me,
I walk toward the darkness
Where others see only light.
I talk to the voice
While others see only the blankness of the street.
I'm given glares,
Mothers pull children away.
My soul is too ugly,
My will of life pummeled down.
Though I've tried to pull myself up,
I'm once again sent hurling for the ground.
Sadness, sorrow,
To which I'm immune,
Are nothing in comparison
To being broken by you.