NEVER LET GO
I stand before the big wooden door, the sound of the doorbell ringing inside sending my heart racing. As I wait for a response it dawns on me that I know next to nothing about this boy's family, but that he lost his father.
I bite down on my lip at the thought. I still hadn't had the guts to bring that up in conversation. It didn't feel right to talk about such personal things with someone that I'd only known for a few days.
But then again, here I am having afternoon tea with his mother...
The door opens just a crack, and through the small space, I'm greeted by the face of a teenage boy. He raises an eyebrow and I feel myself freeze on the spot, completely caught off guard by him.
"Yeah?" he asks, sounding bored.
"I... Well I'm here for tea?" I reply. He opens the door a little wider and I recognise his uniform as the same as mine.
"Tea? With who?"
"Ryden's mother," I answer. His eyes widen a little at the mention of Ryden's name.
"Oh," is all he says initially, but after a few seconds of silence, he looks away from me and continues, "She's not in."
"When will she be in then?" I ask, not really sure how I feel about this boy. I don't like that he has Ryden's eyes.
"I don't know. I can always ring her and tell her that you're here early," he says, and I get the feeling that he doesn't really like me.
"I wouldn't want to be a bother-"
"No, no. I'll ring her. Come inside," he says, opening the door fully for me. He lets me in and I mutter a thank you his way as I walk past him. I stand in the middle of the long hallway, waiting for him.
After he closes the door, he disappears into a room down the hall and I'm left alone. It's completely silent except for the sound of him punching numbers on a phone in another room of the house.
While I wait for him to return, I look around and walk to the bottom of a set of stairs. Staring up into the level above, I instinctively place my hand on the white railing. When I do, I suddenly receive a flashback to Ryden's memory after he'd found out about Cameron and Emma. The memory is so vivid that I can almost see Ryden walking up these stairs, soaked from the rain and his fury escalating.
Grasping the railing tighter, I unconsciously place my foot on the first step.
"Hey what's your name?"
I jump in fright at the sudden voice and look to find the boy standing beside me with a phone in his hand.
"L-Lucy," I stutter in shock. He looks at me peculiarly as he repeats my name into the phone.
"Lucy Ainsworth?" he asks me. I nod my head once and step down from the step.
He talks into the phone a while longer, all the time staring at me with with a curious look on his face. After a few minutes of him exchanging words with the receiver, he hangs up and places the phone on a nearby hallway table. Turning back to face me, he places his hands into the pockets of his school trousers.
"She'll be home in ten minutes. In the meantime she told me to make you feel comfortable. She also told me to offer you some pre-tea. So, would you like some tea?" he asks.
"Uh- no, thank you," I reply. He heaves a sigh and looks up at the staircase beside me.
"Well, I guess feel free to entertain yourself, I've got homework to do, so, I guess that the house is yours," he says.
"Oh okay, thanks," I reply, with a small smile. The boy shrugs.
"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything," he says.
I watch him walk away and once he disappears into another room, I stand for a moment longer in the hallway, wondering as to what to do with myself. Once again, I feel myself drawn to go up stairs. Feeling a little strange, I place my hand on the railing and slowly and carefully make my way up the long staircase, being careful not to make too much noise.
Although to go snooping around someone's house wasn't really something I did on a regular basis, it felt a little less odd, having spent the last few days surrounded by Ryden.
As I reach the top of the staircase, I look around the little landing at the several doors that line the small hall. Turning my head to the left, I find the door that I'm after. It's closed, but I know in my gut that it's the one that Ryden had ran into that night.
The floorboards beneath me creak with each step, as I tiptoe from the landing to the door. With my arm extended, I grasp the cool doorknob and stand at the door for a moment. I lean in and press my forehead against it. Staring down at the floorboards below, I take a deep breath and bit down on my lip.
My hand loosens on the doorknob and falls to my side. I take a step back, unable to go inside. Ryden might have come barging into my life, but I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to go barging into his.
With a sigh, I make my way back down the stairs. Not really knowing what to do with myself, I walk down the hallway, looking at all the various paintings and photographs that line the walls. Halfway down, I find myself drawn to one particular photo - a family portrait.
The sound of the front door opening disrupts my train of thought and I tear my eyes away from the family portrait. I make my way down the hallways and I find Mrs. Mitchells standing in the doorway. She sees me and a tired smile comes to her face.
"Lucy, it's so nice to see you again," she greets, pulling me in for a hug. I reciprocate her gesture and when we stand back from each other, they boy shows up.
"I hope Christopher took good care of you," she says looking over at him. He rolls his eyes and I smile.
"Yes, he did," I reply and I notice the boy's cheeks go a little red. Mrs. Mitchells turns back to me and tilts her head to the side.
"I'm so sorry I was late, I honestly completely forgot that we made arrangements on Saturday night. I'm actually surprised that you even knew where we lived!" she exclaims. I feel my cheeks burn red this time as I try to search my mind for a reason. Oh bugger, I hadn't thought about that! I suppose anyone would be surprised to find out a total stranger knew where they lived.
"I, I got the address of one of Ryden's friends," I finally reply and she smiles in response.
"Oh, of course! Anyway, I think that we'll reside in the living room. Christopher, can you make some tea for our guest?" Mrs. Mitchells says.
Christopher groans in response and while he goes off into the kitchen, I follow Mrs. Mitchells into their living room. We sit down on opposite sofas and she smiles at me.
"So, tell me everything. I want to know every detail you can remember, without it being too hurtful, of the night my son died."
***
I spend almost two hours inside the Mitchells residence, and at just after six o'clock, I'm lead outside by Christopher after saying my goodbyes to his mother. I wave goodbye and am just about to walk away when he stops me, grabbing my backpack. I stop in my tracks and turn to him. The light from inside of the house splashes onto the porch and Christopher looks behind him, almost to check that Mrs. Mitchells isn't in earshot.
"I didn't want to bring this up inside, but I've been hearing things about you of the past few days. Is it true that you can see Ryden's ghost?" he asks, his voice lowered.
I stare up at him, my mouth ajar and unable to speak.
"N-No." I manage to get out. Christopher's shoulders slump a little bit, as if in disappointment.
"They're just some stupid rumours this girl has been making up about me," I lie.
"Oh," is all he says. We stand in silence out in the cold of the night, our breath making little clouds in front of our mouths.
"You know, this might sound crazy," he starts, looking up to meet my eyes, "But I was kind of hoping that they were true, that you could talk to Ryden," he says. I stare at him in awe, feeling guilty for lying to him.
"Why?" I ask.
"So that I could say goodbye to him, in person, instead of at a gravestone," he replies. I instantly look away from his eyes, drawing in my brows as I feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes.
"Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Sorry for asking. See you later Lucy," he says.
I wait until I hear the sound of the door closing before I look up again. I use my fingers to wipe away my silly tears and pull out my phone. I text Noah to pick me up on his way home from work and send him the address.
I walk out onto the side walk and sit down next to the closest lightpost. Drawing my knees up to my chest, I rest my head on my knees and stare at the lit road before me. I should have said yes. I should have told him about Ryden's ghost. I shouldn't have been so selfish and afraid of begin judged by yet another person.
After haven talked to Christopher, I suddenly feel very guilty about my ability to see Ryden. Why couldn't it have been one of his brothers? Why not his mother or a close relative? Somebody who could put his ghost to use to make people feel better. Not somebody who had felt like they had to hide it from the world because they were afraid of not being liked by everyone else?
Even Emma or Cameron could have benefited from his presence more than me. But here I am. A stupid, selfish girl who decided to walk home at night instead of call her brother. If I hadn't have been walking down that road, the car wouldn't have needed to swerve... The two boys wouldn't have died.
As I let my thoughts get the better of me, I find myself sobbing as I wait on the side of the road.
***
In between the time I arrive home with Noah and finally escape to my bedroom for the night, I've had another week added to my time of being grounded. I burst into my room, after a heated fight with dad and slam the door shut behind me.
I stand with the door begin me breathing heavily and ready to breakdown at any minute. I throw my phone onto the dresser next to me before I crush it between my fingers. Breathing in slowly through my nose, I try to calm myself down.
Passing my desk, I take my laptop and collapse onto my bed. Sitting cross legged, I open the lid of the laptop. Maybe I should just do something to take my mind off Ryden and dad, I think. Opening safari, I spend a moment trying to figure out which websites I want to spend hours upon hours wasting time on. I open several tabs, one for Facebook, one for YouTube and another for BuzzFeed. These would surely last me through the night.
I start with a BuzzFeed quiz. I scroll down the options, and click the stupidest one I can find. I don't care how silly it is, I just need to stop thinking about everything important. I start playing the quiz, "Elena Gilbert Or Bella Swan? - which vampire girl are you most like?" I snicker at the quiz I've chosen. At the very least, it'll do the job of taking my mind of things. After finding out that I'm more of the Elena kind of girl, I find another quiz to do. Then another and another.
About an hour passes before my quizzing is cut short by a message I receive through Facebook. Switching tabs, I feel my heart begin to race when I see the message from Emma. Of course, like of late I'm expecting the worse.
Emma: Call me as soon as you see this message.
Her number comes through in the next message and I jump from my bed. I sprint across the room and get my phone from where I left it on my dresser. Picking it up, I fumble to input her phone number into my dial pad. When I've got it dialling, I hold the phone up to my ear and tap my foot impatiently for her to pick up.
"Lucy?" she answers.
"Yes! W-What's going on? Why did you want me to call you?" I ask her, my voice going 100 miles per hour as I speak into the phone.
"Okay. Look Lucy, I don't want to alarm you or anything, but have you been on Facebook tonight?" she asks.
"No... I've had it open for an hour but I've haven't scrolled through it or anything," I reply. I look at my laptop sitting on my bed and at the light it creates on my quilt cover.
"Well, maybe you should have a look at what Melanie Terrance has posted. I only just saw it myself. My brother tagged me in a comment," she explains.
I continue to stare at the laptop. Slowly, I walk over to it, lowering the phone. I sit back down in front of the screen and place the phone beside me. I put Emma on speaker and start scrolling through my homepage.
"I'm not seeing anything yet," I tell Emma as I scroll past a couple of things. But then I see it. I gasp loudly and put a hand to my mouth.
"Oh my God," I say, muffled by the fingers in front of my mouth.
"Lucy?" Emma's voice comes from beside me. With my free hand, I reach over and hang up.
I stare at the photograph, up on the internet for everyone to see. Not knowing what else to do, I close the lid and push the laptop off of the end of my bed. Left in complete darkness, I crawl up to the top of the bed and slip under the covers. I don't care that I'm still in my school uniform. I curl up into a ball and let the tears run free.
Sometime in the night, I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up during the night to the feeling of someone beside me in bed. Reaching over to the bedside table, I flick on my lamp and sit up in bed. When I look over to the space beside me in the double bed, I find nothing there. Knowing that someone is sitting there, I move my hand along the sheets until they're stopped by an invisible force.
"Hi," is all I can think to say to the empty space.
"Hi," the empty space replies.
"What are you doing?" I ask. Ryden sighs.
"I don't know. I got bored so I came over. Don't worry, I didn't come over to watch you sleep or anything like that. It's just, I... I don't know. I just felt like I had to be here tonight," he replies, his voice low.
"Did you want to explain why you're sleeping in your uniform? I don't exactly remember the blazers being comfortable to sleep in," he adds. I smile at his words.
"I've had a rough night," is all I say.
Ryden doesn't say anything in return. Instead, he takes my hand and I feel him grasp it in his. I stare down at my hand resting on the mattress. I watch as my fingers interlock with nothing and smile to myself. His hand is warm and reassuring as he holds mine. I reach back over to my lamp, but flick it off this time.
In the darkness, I rest my head against the headboard and close my eyes, never letting go of his invisible hand, not once.
Rewritten 19/06/2015