A/N: Forgive me for the delay, but here it is. I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors. I lack sleep and might still miss a few things no matter how many times I proofread this.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to The Big Bang Theory; I just want to write about them...
On with the story...
Previously...
"Sheldon, will you do me a favor?" she asks.
"That depends; what's the favor?"
Instead of answering, she got up on her knees and held his cheek. Before he could ask what she was doing, her lips were already crushing down on his.
Chapter 14: The Cognizance Track-way
Sheldon did not know what to do; he didn't know what was happening. One minute Vanessa was crying, and now she is kissing him so hard it was almost painful. This was a first for Sheldon and his mind went blank. His attention was all on the lips that are crushing his like how one who hasn't eaten for a while would. Her hands were on him, one combing through his hair, while the other was on his back, moving up and down. His were planted on the carpet, not really sure what to do with them. Reason was nowhere to be found in his head. Vanessa was sucking his bottom lip and the action made his heart hammer in his chest. She went on to kissing his jawline, down to his neck. Sheldon had his eyes closed and his breathing was ragged. The unusual sensation coursing through his vein was pleasant and exciting; but at the same time it confused him. Vanessa was now back at kissing him, begging for him to part his lips. Why? What is happening? he asked in his head. Let go. Amy did, so why can't you? a voice in his head told him. No, no... At this point, he was having an internal battle. Then his mind conjured the thought of that guy kissing Amy when he was about to propose. He slowly opened his mouth and she didn't miss a beat. She took advantage of the opportunity he presented. Vanessa moved her hand along his arms up and down while the other was still holding the nape of his neck. He was breathing hard and couldn't register how her tongue was caressing his lips. He thought he should be grossed out, but was amazed to find that he's not.
"This is nice," Vanessa breathed on his mouth, pausing to catch her breath. Her words made him remember other times he was kissed. That awful kiss from Leonard's mother; Amy's drunken kiss; Amy and Penny kissing him all over the face; Amy during date nights. Their fifth anniversary make out session; and lastly, their train kiss. Then he heard her; Amy saying 'that was nice' after he kissed her for the first time. His eyes shot open and he was suddenly aware of what was happening. Vanessa was holding him close, and was now kissing him again. His arms were still at his sides, his hands, palms down. He gulped and held her by the arms. He tried to push her away, but Vanessa thought the movement was because he was finally giving in. He tore his lips away from hers and tried to stop her.
"Vanessa," he pleaded. She just kissed his neck again and tried to tighten her arms around his shoulder.
"Vanessa, stop," he pleaded again, but to no avail. When she tried to reclaim his mouth, Sheldon pushed her away harder and that's when she realized what he was trying to do. She looked at him, horrified about what she just did.
"Oh my god," she moved back and sat down covering her mouth with her hands. "Sheldon I am really, really sorry," she said in between sobs. He was looking at her, panic-stricken and really confused. What was he supposed to do now? He looked around the room, but couldn't come up with anything to tell her that will make her stop crying. He doesn't even understand why she was crying again.
"Vanessa," he said, but this time, with worry in his voice. He moved closer and attempted to pat her but thought against it. He was really at lost. Why wasn't I more equipped to deal with weeping women? he thought angrily. He sat beside her and just looked at her. When he could no longer take it, he decided to pat her shoulder and said the only thing he could think of, "There, there"
Vanessa's sobs stopped. For a moment, Sheldon thought he upset her and tried to scoot away, but then moved closer again and rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him. The position only reminded him more of Amy and that time she practically begged for him to comfort her. He just felt bad remembering that night. It makes him feel bad all the time. There's just so many things that he could've done better with Amy, but didn't. So much for being brilliant minded. He rested his cheek on top of her head. They remained like that for a while, no one dared to break the silence. Sheldon eventually wrapped his arm around her, too.
"Her name is Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. She's working at Caltech right now, but she used to be with UCLA. She's a neurobiologist, you know, people who study yucky, squishy stuff," he said, laughing as he finished. He just looked ahead, replaying the first time he met Amy and the days that followed that. All the texting, Skype-ing, emailing and the dates that followed after the first four months, after Penny's insistence. He missed those days.
"She likes monkeys; I like them too, but she's more into them. She dresses modestly, but I've always liked her style. Her hair is the color of mud and has always been straight, see she doesn't usually make a big deal of spending too much money or time on improving her looks. Some may taunt her, but honestly, I don't see what's wrong with that. She's perfect, just the way she is," he said, regret dripping in his voice. He never had the chance to tell her that when they were a couple. "She tried, I think, several times in an attempt to get my attention. At the time I thought she was just being silly. I never needed her to dress up. Her brilliant mind, paired with her humor and her bright green eyes... really those are enough to get my attention. I guess I just failed to show her that she's always been enough," he continued sadly.
Vanessa finally detached herself from him and looked at his face. He had a sad smile and a distant look. He was obviously remembering his times with the woman in question. She felt sad for him. He looked like a sweet guy, but she had her hunch that he wasn't the type who likes showing emotions. Based on how much he didn't like to share what's been bothering him since Thursday, she was surprised that he's talking now. He looked up at her and she nodded, urging him to speak again.
"I took your advice and asked her to go to the zoo with me. Well, not at first, but she offered to go with me so I agreed. We had a good time; it was like when we were just starting to get to know each other. I thought 'well that went well', I can live with just her friend if this is how things will be. At the end of the day, I got a call from her. She told me she was ready to be my girlfriend again."
"What did you tell her?" she asks.
"I said I just want to be her friend," he said, looking down and sighing.
"Can I ask why?" she asks again.
"I honestly didn't know why at first. But in hindsight, I think it was because I got scared. She's my first girlfriend; my first kiss; my first... love," he reveals.
This was probably the biggest surprise to her. He's handsome, brilliant and an altogether nice guy. How he never had another girlfriend was beyond her. She tried to hide her astonishment, but it was futile because her mouth got the words out before she could filter her question, "So you've never been with anyone else before? Like at all?"
He looked at her with furrowed brows, confused why she was repeating what he just said. "Yes," he answered.
"So, forgive me for asking such a personal question, so she's the only one you've ever... you know, done it with?" she asks, curiosity getting the better of her.
"What do you mean done it with?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.
Vanessa didn't know if he was feigning innocence, but thought why he would do such thing, so she elaborated, "You know, sex?"
Realization dawned on him and he looked away, shame covering his features. He didn't know the conversation would take him to a place where he had to deal with that matter. "I've, I've never even done it," he said, emphasizing the word 'it'.
Her eyebrows shot up and she had to hold her breath for a few seconds at his revelation. He's at least in his mid-thirties, she figured and he's never had sex? This was shocking. Then, she remembered what she just did to him and guilt filled her. She moved away from him and started muttering words of apology. "Oh, god, Sheldon I am so, so, sorry! I didn't know, I.. I'm sorry!"
"Exactly, you didn't know. How would you know a 35 year old guy has no experience on physical intimacy. It's not your fault. Well, partly not, but stop apologizing, please," he tells her.
That seem to ease her guilt a little so she moved closer to him again. "Can I ask you something?"
"I'm all ears," he tells her.
"How long were you with this girl?"
"Five years,"
She felt like she shouldn't let him see just how shocked she was about the bombs that he kept dropping on her. She decided to continue her questions instead. "So... how come you've never done it? Was it her choice?"
"No. Believe me, we didn't have coitus but it was never for her lack of attempt. She hasn't been with anyone either," he said.
"Wow. Do you have any idea just how precious that is? You could've been each others first! Were you his first boyfriend too?"
Sheldon winced at her use of the word 'should've', "Yes. I was her first at everything too. Well, except for coitus," he tells her.
"Why do you keep calling it coitus? That makes it sound... clinical. It's nothing like that, I guarantee you. And you haven't answered why you've never had sex."
"You know that's awfully personal, right?" he asks her.
"Well... Fine. Okay. Never mind then," she answers.
"I've always had reservations about coitus. A mysophobic man like me isn't exactly thrilled about the idea. We've kissed, not like how you were kissing me earlier, but every time we do, it's like there's nothing around us. It was like the ground was melting but I couldn't care less as long as I'm kissing her," he says, dreamily. Something that she's never seem in him before.
"Sheldon. that is so sweet," she says, smiling at him.
"I've never told her that. I've said I love her, but I've never honestly revealed how I feel about her," he said, sadly.
"Sheldon?"
"What?"
"Why don't you give your relationship another try?"
"I'm afraid," he said, shaking his head.
"Of what exactly?" she asks him.
"Of everything. Of letting her know about how I feel; of messing up again and her leaving me for good. I can never be sure. I mess up a lot. Brilliant as I may be, as a physicist, I just can't function like a normal boyfriend. And that scares me a lot," he tells her, pleading with his eyes for her to understand. "I can never go through losing her twice if that happens."
And there it was. He was finally able to voice out why he chose not to get back together with Amy. He felt exposed. He pulled his brought his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Vanessa felt like she was looking at a child. A very frightened one. She leaned her head against the side of her bed and was thoughtful for a moment. She didn't want to push the subject of convincing him to get back together with his ex.
"My first time was scary, but wonderful," she mused, thinking back to the time she first did it with Brent.
"Your first what? Trip to the playground?" he asks, not sure what she was referring to.
"No. My first time being physically intimate with the guy I love," she tells him.
"Why are you telling me this?" he asked, tilting his head a little and feeling a little uncomfortable.
"I'm just trying to let you know that it's not as bad as you may think," she says, looking at him. "When you do it with someone that you love, I guarantee you, it's the most amazing feeling ever," she continues.
"Well... I don't know," he replies.
"Do you love her?"
"More than how much I love my spot?" he states.
"Your what?" she asks, not sure what that 'spot' is.
"Not important," he dismisses.
"Okay so if you do, you need to know that if she loves you, just as much as you love her, then there's no need for you to be afraid of letting yourself go,"
"Here we go again with that 'letting go' nonsense," he says, hoping she would change the subject.
"Just think about it, Sheldon. Okay?"
"Fine," he relents.
Sheldon got up and held out his hand for her. He was worried that she'll start crying or talking about uncomfortable topics again so he asked her to get more tea and finish the movie they were watching. They went back to the living room and he offered to make the tea this time, telling her about how he always provided hot beverage to those who are in distress. Distracted from everything that happened, he realized he never got to ask her why she started crying earlier.
"Vanessa?"
"Yes?" she replied, still looking at the television.
"Why were you crying earlier?"
She looked at him and saw his concern. Dealing with emotions is too much to handle for this man, she thought. She didn't know where to start the story; or if she even wanted to tell him about it. Given though, that he told her about his ex, that should share hers too. Just to ease his mind a bit because she can see that he was actually worried about her, too.
"Well..." she began, letting out a gust of air before continuing. "That was my ex boyfriend. He hasn't contacted me for almost a year and now he was calling me."
"And this guy, calling you made you...sad?" he asks.
"Sad, angry, hurt, miss him again, really it's a combination of a lot of things. I guess you can say I was overwhelmed, which is why I broke down," she answers. "Hearing him again... after a long time of not hearing anything about him felt like I fell, head long into a pool of ice water,"
Sheldon just nodded, not sure how to respond. "What did he want from you? Was he asking to get back together too?"
"I don't know. I never got to hear what he wanted. But I guess that's what he's planning to do. Try to fix his mess. Us,"
"How do you feel about that?" Sheldon asked her. He felt like he was getting a pretty good lesson at caring about other people's feelings by asking Vanessa about her problem.
"I honestly don't know. I am mad and I barely just started the healing process. See he left me, without saying anything. Without any excuses or reason. I was a wreck. That breakdown back there? That was nothing compared to how I was for a few months after he broke things between us," she tells. "Looking back, I'm not proud. I've put my parents in a horrible situation; dealing with a broken girl like me. It's like when I was a kid, only worse."
"I'm sure they didn't mind. My meemaw always does that for me. She takes care of me when I'm hurt, which I don't have to tell you, was often." he said.
"Yes, I suppose they didn't mind. They're my parents. They care. He didn't. After more than a decade of relationship, he threw away everything," she says sadly, a tear rolling down her cheeks.
"Oh. Don't cry. Uh... there, there," he says in panic. He didn't mean to make her cry again. Vanessa smiled at his attempt at comforting her. He was so adorably clueless about things that comes naturally to others, like empathy. She wipes her tears away and smiled at him. He was confused again; one moment she was crying, the next she was smiling like she just heard a something funny. Women are baffling, he thought as he looks at her with furrowed brows. He wanted to know how she's planning to handle the situation, which was a little like his; wondering if she will take a leaf out of her own book and give the guy another chance.
"Are you planning to hear him out if he calls again?"
"I don't know if I'm ready to see him again. But I guess it's better if I could at least confirm what he wants, so yeah, I think I will," she said.
"Do you still love him?" he asks, out of nowhere.
She was caught off guard by his question. Does she? She thought there was no point in denying it anyway. And after all the honesty Sheldon has shown tonight, it's the least she can do. "Yes," she answered simply.
"Alright, so to quote you, 'why don't you give your relationship another try'?"
"Because I'm still in pain. I don't even know what seeing him will do to me if just hearing his voice caused a breakdown."
"Aren't we just the luckiest when it comes to relationships?" he asks sarcastically.
"Hey, I thought you have problems with sarcasm and irony?" she joked.
"Well I have been getting better," he replies.
"Really?" she asks.
"Well, I haven't mastered it yet," he says grumpily.
"We both have some things to think about," she told him.
"We do?"
"Yes. You with your Amy and me with Brent. We can deny our feelings for them as much as we want, but I don't think it will change anything," she answers.
"I don't know... what if I already missed my chance when I declined her last Thursday?" he said, voicing out his fear.
"You're a scientist, right?"
"I'm a Theoretical Physicist, but basically, yes. I don't see how that's relevant here," he answers.
"Of course it is. Stop hypothesizing and start testing your theories!" she exclaims, making him move away from her on the couch. She laughed at his reaction and reached out to pat his arm. "It's all up to you. You don't need to do anything that you don't want to. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself," she finished.
"And you're going to do the same?"
"You know what? I will. I have reservations but I think I will. It's the only way to move forward," she said, holding her head up a little higher.
"You have a point,"
"Of course I do. I may not be as brilliant as one Dr. Cooper, but I'm smart too," she says, tapping her temple with one finger.
"I never doubted that, otherwise I wouldn't be here talking to you at," he looked at his watch, "Dear lord it's already past midnight!" he shouted.
"Seriously?" she asks in disbelief. She didn't realize how late it was either. "Okay, let's go. I'll drive you," she tells him while moving around the living room, looking for her keys.
"Are you sure? I mean it's late and you're a woman and," he stopped at the menacing look she gave her at his comment. "Let's go then," he said and she smiled triumphantly.
They headed down and out of her building. They went in the car and Vanessa started the car, together with the Beach Boys' playlist she had on earlier playing again. Sheldon was still not happy about her playing music while driving.
"Not that music again," he all but moaned when the words started coming out of the stereo.
"Oh stop it. Their music is great. And did you know that Brian Wilson, who wrote majority of their songs was considered a genius in the music industry," she said with pride.
"Of course I don't know that. I don't like their kind of music,"
"Well he was a legend. It's sad that the industry lost him to mental issues. He kept getting auditory hallucinations. He was diagnosed with some serious mental disorders,"
"Maybe he was one of those musicians who became addicted to illegal substance," he mused.
"That might be true, but that doesn't make him any less of a legend," she retorts.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The drive to Los Robles was short as there were barely any cars on their way back to his apartment. When she pulled the car in front of his building, he didn't go out of the car right away. He looked at her instead and tilted his head to the right. "Are you okay now?" he asked.
"I'm feeling better. Thank you for everything today," she answered. "How about you? Will you be asking this Amy for another chance?" she asks.
"I haven't decided. There are things to consider and who knows if she'll still take me after I shot her down," he said.
"Well, let's just hope for the best. And remember, be honest with yourself."
"I never forget," he says, smirking and tapping the side of his head with one finger.
"Alright, alright. Now go; it's almost 1 am now."
"Thank you for going with me to the zoo," he said.
"You're welcome," she replied, flashing a sweet smile. She gave him a quick hug which he returned and went out of the car. Vanessa stayed until he was inside the building and started driving again.
Sheldon went in 4A as quietly as he can. He didn't know if Penny and Leonard were in the apartment, but the need to confirm it became unnecessary when he came Leonard went out of his room just as he was about to open the door to his.
"Sheldon?" he asked groggily. Leonard looked at his watch and was surprised to see the time. "You're just got home?"
"Leonard, why must you keep on stating the obvious all the time?" he asks in annoyance.
His roommate just brushed off his question and asked, "Where have you been?"
"I was with a friend. Good night, Leonard." He closed the door, leaving his friend in the hall with raised eyebrows.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When Vanessa got home, she went in her room and retrieved her phone. She typed a message telling Brent to give her another call when he's available. She contemplated for a few minutes before sending it. Not a minute passed and her phone started ringing.
"Hello, Brent."
xo