[ Milo; Skyline To by Frank Ocean]
FORTY-EIGHT: when you take a big step.
"Can we talk?" He'd finally stopped crying. Throughout the time of being with Paul, I'd never seen him so upset, never seen him this hurt and I knew he wasn't lying when he said this was affecting him too. To hear that he'd been crying nonstop since he'd left, that hurt me.
Maybe that's why when he asked to talk, I'd been open to it, he'd stayed in Cali an extra week and it had been nearly four days since our last conversation, just hearing his voice would clarify things at the least. And I missed him, I just missed being around him.
"Yeah." We were still holding each other, his hands playing with mine and he would look at me, at some point we'd shifted to my bed and despite wanting him in my arms, I stayed sitting upright.
It was silent as Paul thought, opening his mouth a few times as if to start and then almost as if he thought better of it, he would stop. He did this a few times and I couldn't see how bloodshot his eyes were until he'd looked up at me, a few tears falling and he went to wipe them away. "I'm sorry for everything."
I loved him so much, I did and times like this made me wonder if he loved me too. My heart hurt, it had been hurting for a while and I could barely breathe let alone think. And then it hit me, I didn't know if Paul was telling the truth, I didn't know Paul nor did I know what he was hiding or what lies he could tell. Even if I trusted him, I had to be wary, he wasn't as stable as I thought he was.
His brown eyes were filled with sincerity, "And I mean it, I didn't mean to hurt you and I definitely didn't mean to make you feel as if I don't want this because I do." Swallowing through the knot in his throat, he gasped out a bit, shaking his head when I went to speak. "I wanna be with you, Jules."
I wanted to be with him too but how could I be with someone who didn't have the same feelings for me? Someone who could simply push me away and refuse to tell me about something that had him shaking and crying, especially when it could've broken us up. Did he even care?
"Do you love me?"
And he looked as if he didn't want to answer that, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to hear the answer. He seemed to think, to really think about that and his eyes wouldn't meet mine. It'd been a few seconds before he started to shake his head, getting worked up again, "I- I don't know."
I wasn't sure what the feeling that surfaced after that was but I knew that this relationship had to be going somewhere. "Do you see yourself loving me?" If Paul couldn't at least see him developing those feelings for me later on, I couldn't be in this relationship. Over the time I'd spent with my therapist analyzing shit -and talking about my relationship recently since that'd been a reason for my behavior the past week- I'd come to the conclusion that I really craved that attention, I needed constant validation.
My dad had made me go to a session due to missing the one prior throughout the time after Paul and I's talk. My therapist, she'd expressed some concern for the way my relationship was going and although normally I wouldn't have given that thought... I needed answers, everything was just too confusing.
"Of course I do." He'd answered almost immediately, my heart hammering in my chest at his words and all the emotions behind them, "I see myself spending the rest of my life with you." His eyes bore into mine, his thumb going to brush over my left ring finger never moving his gaze from mine.
"You went to the beach?"
Picking up his phone almost instantly, he turned it towards me, "I have pictures to prove it, I only want you." Watching me with careful eyes, he handed me the phone and despite me not wanting to look through it, it made me feel better. "I'm sorry for being so shady, I-"
"I can't be with you if you're gonna make me feel like that."
"I know."
Unlocking his phone, and going to his pictures, the first few I saw being ones on the beach. He wasn't lying, the date had been the right one and it was all pictures of him and his friends.
Further up, I saw more pictures of scenery and I felt so bad going through his recently deleted, it being completely innocent. "You don't even trust me Paul." But I was being such a hypocrite considering I actually thought I might find something on his phone although I didn't admit that.
"I do, it's just really hard to open up." His voice held sincerity and I sighed, locking his phone back and placing it down. "You mean so much to me Jules and I never wanna hurt you, I promise. I'm trying to let you in but I don't let a lot of people in." He didn't move to grab his phone, he didn't even look at it.
"B-but I have to in order for this relationship to work." His continued when I didn't respond, my eyes locking with his and I could feel how much he meant that. He wanted to be with me, he wanted to change and I wanted to help him. "You got better, you let me in and we got you help, you bettered yourself for you. I should do the same."
And I didn't tell him about those nights I'd cried so hard I could feel my body drained, I didn't tell him about the panicking and I knew it was wrong to keep it from him. But how was I supposed to tell him about the fact that problems in our relationship had literally gave me panic attacks?
I can't feel like that again.
He'd break up with me for sure this time, he cared too much about my personal health but I wasn't gonna let myself get so freaked out again, I wasn't. I had control over my body and over my emotions.
"My family life isn't all that amazing." Finally twining his fringes through mine, he clasped our hands together. "I already told you how I came out but I didn't tell you what happened after, did I?" My heart was somewhat hammering, my eyes never straining off his even when he looked completely down.
Shaking my head, he gulped and I could feel his fingers tremble in mine. That trembling worried me, "No."
I didn't expect for him to open up so quickly, his voice cracking a bit, "I felt horrible about myself, I was alone, m-my brother - if I can even call him that- he turned on me." I didn't expect that but on the other hand, he never wanted to talk about anything like that. I should've known it was something bad. "My whole family turned on me. I could tell that they were uncomfortable with everything." I could imagine high school Paul, alone and scared and that truly broke my heart.
I was so lucky to meet him when it felt like my whole entire world was collapsing. Maybe I was so dependent on him because he really seemed like the only stable thing in my life, Paul was such a good person. I couldn't see how somebody could just turn on him because of something like that.
"Paul-"
Shaking his head as if he wanted me to let him talk, I stopped, nodding in response. "They're over it now but at the time, I couldn't even look into my own father's eyes."
He seemed so sad inside.
Going to thread my fingers back through his, I attempted to let him feel me there and let him know that he could rely on me to at least listen. "Milo and Pete, well," stopping, he stuttered a few times, trying to find the correct words and I inched my body closer to his. I wanted to hold him, make him feel as protected as he did for me but Paul didn't enjoy feeling... weak, maybe. He didn't like being the one the focus was on and I could tell it was hard enough for him to open up this far.
"You know Pete... and M-Milo, h-he-" gulping, he shrugged as if it weren't a big deal and spoke blankly, my hand going to grip his knee in a small form of support, "he made my teenage years hell."
And that wasn't much of an explanation but I could feel how much he was pushing himself, he needed this. He needed to let all of that manifested hurt out because although he was good at hiding it, his exterior had been breaking recently. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Nodding, he looked into my eyes, his walls crumbling and everything he'd been hiding spilling over and cascading down his rosy cheeks, he'd bit his lip. "I'm stronger."
"What's your mom like?" I wanted to know these things but maybe something softer and gentler, something not so harsh would be the place to start. Paul wasn't ready to spill his whole entire life story and quite frankly, I wasn't ready to hear it.
At the mention of his mom, Paul lit up and I couldn't see how much he loved her. "Well, she's- she's wonderful, she's a chef so she's always cooking and through all of my problems, she'd be there with a plate of mango bread and a smile. I'm so sure she'd love you." Going off on a ramble, he gave me a soft smile, "My dad will too, he used to play soccer."
"Am I still meeting them?"
Shrugging he spoke, "if you still want to." And I wasn't sure if that was that good of an idea. I mean, we still didn't know what was going on between us and apparently I didn't know him, the real him that is. What if everything he'd shown me was an act?
But I didn't even believe that, the Paul he'd shown me before was so genuine, so perfect... maybe he wasn't as perfect and innocent as he'd let on but I had no reason not to believe that he'd been faking the whole entire thing. I trusted him, more than I cared to admit and when you trust someone so much...
"...Paul."
"I know." He always did.
He'd nodded, brown eyes glossy as they had been since his breakdown, he was still a bit shaky and I hated feeling like I was responsible. "I'm trying, I promise." His voice was barely there, understanding and defeat rolled into one and I could feel my heart breaking. Taking a look at him then, he was a real wreck. He was still so beautiful though, so insanely beautiful even with tear tracks and bloodshot eyes, even with his hair frizzy and his shirt three sizes too big.
He was such a mess, I'd never seen Paul this fucked up but he was so perfect, so breathtaking, so mine.
"I know." But was it wrong that I'd already felt myself forgiving him? Either way, I attempted I stand my ground and not get sidetracked by the fact that I could still feel the electricity buzzing in my fingertips and really wherever he touched. I didn't think I'd ever get over that feeling. "I love you but this relationship... you can't keep things from me, Paul. You c-can't um, you can't do what you've been doing, babe. The hiding things and the secrets a-and-"
When my words had started to fail me, Paul made sure to be understanding, "I'm listening, I'll listen."
"I hate arguing with you and the fact that you seemed like a completely different person... you're not like that or at least, the guy I'm in love with isn't and I like to think that you wouldn't just-" just leave me, "when you were angry with me, y-you shut down, you posted on social media instead of talking to me. I don't like that." I don't like thinking that you think you can't come to me when you need someone.
"I know, baby, I'm sorry." He spoke sincerely, hesitant with his actions as he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, leaning forward to put his head on my shoulder and I could tell he wanted to be held so I obliged.
Pulling him into a hug, I felt his arms on my waist, "You ended things before we could even try and work it out, I love you, I wanna help you. I get that you need space but it just hurts." My chest constricted as he pressed his fingertips into my skin, his body sinking into mine as if he'd found solstice. "I'm here, always, even if I'm not right next to you."
It was silent and as he got more comfortable, I could feel his lips on my shoulder. His words brought a warmth to both my skin and my heart. "Why don't we visit my family this weekend?" That was sudden, extremely sudden, and I was caught off guard. Pulling back, I went to push his hands off of me in shock and he must've took it the wrong way because he frowned, going to draw completely away.
A part of me said to let him but I felt my hands grabbing his before they could leave my waist. Looking back straight into his eyes, I made sure to let him know that I wanted this, I wanted him to keep being this close to me and I wanted him to repeat himself so I could be one hundred percent sure.
"What?"
"I want..." looking down a bit as if he were afraid of my answer, Paul squeezed my sides in that affectionate way of his and when he caught my eyes again, I could see my future in his, "I want you to meet them."
"I want to-"
Cutting me off, he went to look at me and his lips quivered with every word but I felt them all the same, "You make me so... happy, Julian." Biting his lip, he looked around before focusing his eyes back on mine and I could see how much it scared him, "I've never been this invested in someone, never to the point where I feel as incomplete as I do without you. I wanna give you the world, I wanna kiss you until my lips bleed, I want this to be my happy ending."
"You mean so much to me and I constantly struggle with finding the words to tell you that." He spoke gently.
Scratching at his neck, he tried to make himself clearer but he'd ended up choking. "But... over this week, I-" looking at me and seeing my eyes already on him, he looked right back down, gulping down the last bit of courage he had. Paul hated his vulnerability, something that made me so upset but it was him. "I realized that I don't have to tell you, I have to show you. Words without action are nothing, my family, although not the best part of me... it is a part of me and I want you to know them."
And that was enough for me to pull his face towards mine and for the first time in weeks, I'd kissed him. I kissed him until I could feel fire in my lungs, until it felt as if he and I were interchangeable with each other and his heart was made to fit in my chest and vice-versa... his lips felt like home, his cheeks being kissed by the tears that built up on the tips of my fingers and at some point, I'd ended up straddling his waist.
Tucking my fingers into the curls at the nape of his neck, I felt Paul smile against my lips. We were going to be okay.
Pulling away, I rested my forehead on his and I felt his hands move to clutch my hips as he moved in and pecked my lips again. And again. And again.
These were the moments that I appreciated the most, his heart rate calming and the tears stayed welled up in his eyes. Going to wipe them, my heart skipped a beat at one that had fallen, a sad smile on his face.
There was still so much he had bottled up, so much hurt and pain that he had to allow himself to feel. "I love you." I made sure to remind, laughing softly at the way he grabbed my waist, flipping us over so he was laying on top of me and his head was in the crook of my neck. Placing a soft kiss there, he blanketed my body with his and I'd wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
Throughout the night, I could feel Paul breaking down again, his body shaking along the way and harsh sobs had woken me up. Nightmares were something he'd been dealing with, I'd noticed and it broke my heart to know that so much had manifested. He wouldn't tell me much when I'd woken him up at three in the morning because he was shaking so violently, this told me that we still had a lot of work to do.
: : :
Part of me thought Paul was joking when he offered to introduce me to his family but when he'd shown up at my house that following Saturday with a single white rose and a smile, my heart swelled.
"How were your exams?" He didn't visit much that week after the night he'd returned to Michigan, wanting me to focus more on studying and only coming over to help me with math. We still were a little distant, it was weird to have that barrier knocked down, Paul would start to let me know little things randomly. On one instance, I'd been pouring us some lemonade and he went straight into a story about him and his dad building a treehouse when he was around twelve.
It was always awkward for him to talk about himself, he always focused his eyes on something other than me but right then, he was twisting his straw around. Paul was weird, he always carried straws in his car, and had a taste for combinations that I wouldn't have put together. He loved peanut butter on his Oreos and un-sugary drinks with no ice.
When he'd been talking, he'd been trying to find my peanut butter, busying himself with washing the spoon he had a million times before he'd stopped. And he apologized for being so jittery, sitting down with me on the couch and he studied with me as we talked about whatever came to mind.
I hadn't really spent time with Paul the whole week and now we were actually going to meet his parents, I was actually going to see his home. It was still a little rocky due to my own personal quirks but i nodded nonetheless, wanting to keep up conversation, "yeah, I think I passed, gotta wait on scores, though."
I could feel nerves heightening and shooting through my body when I'd slid into his Jeep beside him, he'd told me to dress nice but casual and pack a bag for the weekend and that's how I found myself picking at some black jeans that fit nicely. My long sleeve white shirt was nicer than anything I ever wore although it wasn't so classy which made it more casual, I'd done my hair properly and I wasn't wearing sneakers.
I always wore sneakers but beforehand, I'd informed my dad of the weekend and he agreed, helping me through picking an outfit that was suitable to meet Paul's parents and he'd made me try on some boots and actually bought me them as well as an expensive ass watch.
I still felt inadequate next to Paul in his pale yellow t-shirt, huge jean-jacket (due to it being a little chilly) that hung off his shoulders, and matching yellow converse. I loved this color on him, pinks and yellows complimented his tab skin so well and I just couldn't stop looking at him.
"You look beautiful." He'd complimented when I'd finally gotten settled, turning towards me, he gave me that cute smile that was my absolutely my favorite. I didn't even have time to acknowledge it though, inside I was wondering why I pushed him to do this. What if his parents hated me? Was I dressed okay, was the watch too much?
What if they thought I wasn't good enough for their son?
Glancing over at me, he laughed a bit. Going to grab my hand in his, he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles in that comfortable way of his. "Stop looking so scared." His voice held amusement and although, we'd still been a bit rocky... his lips being pressed together to hold in his laugh was still something that made me both annoyed and giddy.
I couldn't focus on that though, I could, however, pick at the seam in my pants and interlock our fingers together. "What if they don't like me?"
"Why wouldn't they like you?"
There's a lot not to like about me.
At the look on my face, he sighed, reaching over to pull at the glove compartment, keeping his eyes on the road. Moving back once it'd fallen open, I furrowed my brows at him. "Get the green box." Digging through his papers, I bypassed a few art pens and some film strips before I'd found what he was talking about.
It was a small forest-green gift box, rectangular and fit the width of my hands. There was a white ribbon on it and in the corner, I could see the name of what I assumed the store it came from. Licking my lips, I closed the glove box back and turned to Paul, making sure to be careful with what I assumed was an important purchase.
"Well," he shrugged, "open it."
And once I'd gotten it open, the first thing I saw was wrapping. It was soft and white, pulling it aside, I took the delicate looking chain in my hands. It was thin and a silver in color, a single pendant on it. "What's this?" On the pendant was a tiny emerald green jewel.
"I got it made in Cali." Running my finger over the edges, I smiled when I noticed that it said Paul. "I know I'm a really shitty boyfriend and I know that it's not much but I just, I saw the color and it reminded me of your eyes and Rilee said to get my name and..." looking over at him, I smiled, playing with the chain and I noticed the look on his face, "you don't have to wear it, it might be a little restricting and I know I've been fucking up, I just thought you'd like it."
"I love it." The nervousness on his face had dissipated at that.
"I got a matching one." He said, holding the steering straight with one hand and going with the other to push his shirt a little ways down his neck, pulling one with my name from underneath the fabric. I didn't even care that Ben would laugh and call us headass because if Paul was involved, I'd gladly be the most cliché motherfucker in the world.
: : :
"Mijo!" As soon as I'd entered his house, I was ambushed by Paul being ripped from my hand. My boyfriend had been tugged away and there was a short woman wrapping their arms around him, a shock of culture had hit me and I didn't expect his house to be so colorful. The living room led right into the kitchen which was painted a bright yellow and there were plates with designs sitting pretty in a china cabinet. "Its not even your birthday, what are you doing here? Te has vuelto tan guapo, niño."
He was Hispanic? I wasn't sure how I didn't notice, maybe cause he didn't speak Spanish in front of me but being his boyfriend, I would've thought I'd notice.
Looking further around, I'd noticed that there were a bunch of people in his house hustling around, the woman in front of him, his mother, I presumed. There was music playing loud and a lot of chattering, my eyes catching a couch with tons of throw pillows and people that looked around Paul's age, some younger, playing a board game.
"Gracias, mama." And I was correct and Spanish sounded so natural coming from his mouth and then I realized that the little slur in his s's were the same, he didn't have an accent when he spoke English and I guessed it was his native tongue. "Abuela!" He'd yelled, his voice loud, a woman even shorter with gray hair and a white apron came towards my boyfriend.
Hugging her to him, he picked her up and I'd heard his grandma laughing and talking to him although I couldn't understand it.
Once a timer had gone off in the kitchen, he let her down and she'd instructed one of the guys on the couch to help Paul out with his bags. I wasn't sure if these were all people that lived here or they were visiting but the only thing that came out was, "You speak Spanish?" And then, "You're Hispanic?"
"I don't really speak it that much but my mom's Mexican." He shrugged, taking my hand in his and pulling me closer to his body. That gave me a sense of security and thankfully, it was enough to hold me down from becoming overwhelmed, "My dad's white."
And that made sense considering his name. "Who are they?" It wasn't that big of a house, I could tell and I was a little nervous with all the kids here, we wouldn't have time alone. But, of course, it was his family and I definitely couldn't complain. I just wanted to make a good impression so bad and I knew that me being me, if I didn't have any room to just settle and talk to my boyfriend, I'd become a nervous wreck when the time came to present myself in front of the people who created him.
"Those are my cousins. It's Leo's birthday," he spoke gesturing towards the boy with the cape surrounded by a few kids. "Abuela said they're leaving tonight though so we don't have to sleep on the couch."
"Who's that?" When I'd spoken up, I was gesturing towards the older guy that was instructed, by Paul's grandmother, to help us. Once the elderly lady had left the room, he'd paused in his spot and I thought maybe he was just ignoring her but the look on his face rubbed me the wrong way as it did when he moved closer and I wasn't sure who he was.
He was tall like Paul though and he had unnatural light brown wavy hair that had volume at the top yet still hung over his forehead. He had a sharp-ish jawline and his smile was a little hesitant.
"That's," turning to look the way I was, the weird vibe this guy was giving me intensified while I watched the happiness melt off of Paul's face. He didn't meet my eyes as he cleared his throats and went to look over my shoulder. His hand tightened on mine, jaw clenched. "Milo..." Clearing his throat, Paul went to grab his bag but in the second when I tried to follow suit, another hand had gripped it. Letting go in shock, I jumped back in surprise and my heart was hammering at how quick he'd gotten over there.
"Jesus..."
Holding my bag in his hand, he stood back up to full height, having a few inches on the curly haired angel beside me. I'd never seen the look that was in his eyes before, never seen Paul that angry and I never wanted to see it again. His knuckles were white wrapped tightly around the strap of his duffle that he'd ended up pulling to hold it over his shoulder, he didn't speak.
The one in front of him did, brushing a hand through his hair and I could see a bit of a similarity. "Hey little bro. Is this your um... boyfriend?" And then eyes were on me as Milo introduced himself to me, holding out his free hand, "Milo Jones-"
Before I could take it, however, Paul stepped a bit closer, blocking my body from his... brother's? "Why're you here?" His voice was cold as he snatched my bag from the guy's grasp and I was trying to figure out what all the hostility was for.
He made my teenage years Hell.
This was the guy? They didn't look that alike but they surely matched in stature and a little bit in mannerisms and I could tell that from the five minute stare-off they'd been having. Eventually, Milo settled with an, "I can't come home?" Before attempting to speak to me over my boyfriend's shoulder in which he seemingly stuttered. "I'm Pab-Paul's brother."
Just as I was about to be polite and try not to cause a scene, Paul's voice had cut me off, "Don't talk to him."
Trying not to disagree with my boyfriend, especially on something I didn't know much about, I found myself just stepping further behind him. Massaging my boyfriend's hand that was gripping the strap before pulling the bag into my hand and placing it before going back to rubbing circles on his skin. "Seriously, man?"
I could feel his anger when he turned around to catch eyes with me briefly. The scene that was being cause was building my nerves up and I couldn't stop myself from stuttering out what I hoped to be soothing. "B-baby-"
But Paul was way more skilled at talking me down, way better at calming than me. "I don't wanna see you around him," his voice was stern and it was almost as if my presence had only made him more infuriated. "I don't want you to talk to him and I don't wanna talk to you." His words were so venomous and I really tried my best to pull him back.
It was quiet, Paul's voice making me gulp. So silent you could hear a pin drop and then his mother's voice had rang out. "Pablo." Confused, I turned my head to meet where her stare was directed... my eyes widened when Paul's and her eyes connected.
"Yes, mama?" Pablo?
Their eyes met, Paul turning completely and stepping forward upon her request. "Come here, por favor?"
"Yes, ma." Nodding his head, he stepped forward a bit more before turning back to meet my eyes and the only thing I could think of was what she'd called him and how much he'd kept from me. Tucking my arms in, I didn't meet his eyes and I found myself staring at my shoes. "I'll be right back, Angel." He'd spoken softly, leaning forward to kiss my forehead and I stood still, chewing on my bottom lip.
And his mother led him into the kitchen behind her, him scratching the back of his neck in nervousness. Once he was gone, it was just me and his family staring at me, a few seconds of lapse, Milo had given me a smile.
He had a smile on his face, almost as if he wasn't fazed but his hesitation when reaching to help me with the bags clearly showed how much the confrontation with Paul did hit him.
Making my way up the stairs, Milo followed me, him directing me as soon as we'd gotten there. The hallway had around five doors and was slightly compact, the walls being covered in pictures and in some of them, I could see a kid with a big smile, wild curly hair, and brown eyes.
Once he hit a certain age though, the pictures stopped, everything stopped, in place of what seemed like should've been older Paul and Milo and Pete.
All the family pictures from a certain age up were missing that curly-haired boy.
Chewing the inside of my mouth. I tried my hardest not to ask about it and instead, I continued walking. Once we'd made it to Paul's room, my eyes widened, opening the door and ducking a little to get through it. Placing the bag down, I took in the colors.
It was so bright, the paintings on the walls and I could visibly see the growth between them, Paul was always amazing but... there was something about looking at something that was so good and then looking at something that was absolutely breathtaking. Paul and everything about him was so breathtaking.
Placing the bags onto the bed, I admired the bright yellow comforter, he was unlike anyone I'd ever met. Smiling, I went to get comfortable, pulling some clothes out of my bag and placing them on the bed to get ready and shower. We'd just gotten there and I was a little drained, all I wanted to do was get out of these clothes and into something looser.
That was until I'd sat on his bed ready to relax and thinking of what I'd say to Paul when he made his way back to me... I caught sight of his brother still in the doorway. His eyes weren't on me but instead he was taking in the surroundings as well, almost as if he hadn't been there in forever and I didn't doubt that.
I felt the need to apologize, getting on a good foot with him, there had to be so much more to their story. "I'm sorry." But I had to make a good impression, I intended to figure out what the problem between them was and it didn't start with me being rude. "I'm Julian, nice to meet you." And I didn't reach my hand out to greet him, I didn't feel like it was my place so instead of that, I sent him a smile which he returned.
"Likewise."
: : :
I was already done with my shower by the time Paul had made it up to me. With all the time I had to kill, I ended up just hanging out with the brother of his that I knew. I hadn't seen Pete in a while and from the times I did see him, he was unpredictable.
But that went well, he didn't like to talk much and really, I wasn't in the mood to so a game of Call of Duty and a million crude jokes later, I was laying on my back texting Ben.
Paul had entered the room way later than expected, his muscles tense and his lips in a straight line. Instantly, I went to put my phone down, not standing just in case he'd needed the space and I found myself just questioning. "You okay?" It was quiet again, I'd realized that we'd get many quiet moments when confronting his past but... I tried my hardest to be patient with him.
And his response was nicer than I thought it'd be, he wasn't aggressive at all and he didn't feel the need to lash out at me at that moment. I was seeing the Paul I loved and it felt so reassuring when he'd stripped off his jeans and pulled back the covers. "Yeah, just didn't expect him to be here." His voice was calmer than I thought it would be but there was definitely a lot of rigidness in his tone and in his body.
All that mattered was me helping him through it.
"I can tell." Speaking softly, I kept my voice gentle and I sighed as his head settled on top of my chest. "What happened between you two?" I definitely had questions, a lot of them but I also had to ease my way into it.
Massaging gently at his skin, I tried to hold him as close to me and allow him to stay calm. "Lots and lots of shit." And just as before, he automatically shut down. "You don't have to worry about it."
That hurt more than it should've. "Paul..."
"I'm fine, Jules, promise." And I let it go, knowing that he was uncomfortable and that I didn't have the right to push him too far past his limit. This day had already been a lot for him to take in, he was really trying and that was all I wanted.
But I could feel him breathing a little harder against me, he was stressing and it made me so upset. "We can leave, you don't have to do this-"
Shaking his head, Paul pushed aside my words. "No," he was a little breathless and I could tell how sad he was, how many memories this house was bringing up for him and I couldn't help him at all. "I have to open up, I have to do this. I just didn't think it'd be this hard."
His voice was shaky and I tugged him closer, entertaining our legs. "Come here." And he'd tucked his body into mine a little more, him just sitting so still and I could feel his breathing on my neck increasing in speed and hitching randomly. "It's your first week back, relax, you shouldn't have to worry about anything except for how we're gonna impress your parents." There were tears coming, I could tell, I just wished that he would've told me why exactly.
But he was back to that facade of happiness and he'd backed up a bit, looking back at me with a smile even though I could tell it was fake. "They'll love you."
"I hope so because I love you."
His sniffling made my heart break and I could just feel him hugging me tighter if that was possible. "Thank you for being here."
A/N:
this took forever and i'm sorry but my birthday is Sunday so cut me some slack. I'm also very tired from writing this all night along with an essay and my senior project proposal.
Updated: Wed, August 16