[UGOTME BY OMAR APOLLO]
FIFTY- ONE: when one end is a new beginning.
I never really used alarms. When we were younger, my mother had always found a way to lecture us about being late to things, maybe thats why my dad often woke himself up early in the morning to get me and Jade up before mom opened her eyes. That carried on until I was around thirteen, then he'd turn to only waking Jade. Me, I had to set an alarm in my head and I'd gotten it down to a science by the time senior year rolled around.
This alarm went off every Monday through Friday at around twenty minutes before I had to leave the house to be on time for school and never did it go off on weekends. Even with my weird sleep schedule, on good days, I would follow my mental clocks. Maybe thats why I didn't expect to wake up before ten on a Saturday but for some reason at around half past six, a weight had landed right on top of me. "Wake up."
My little sister's bright green eyes were the first thing I saw when I woke up, startled. They were wide and she looked like she herself had just woken up, still wearing a big t shirt and leggings with her hair tied up and absolutely no makeup on her face. My sister was so anxious, the excitement on her face calmed my terror. "Jade!" Once realizing who exactly she was, I pushed her off of me, rolling back over and shoving my head underneath my pillow.
"It's Saturday." She spoke up, my bed dipping as she stood up on it and kicked at my side. This was followed by her jumping off and shaking me vigorously before ripping the pillow out of my grip. Once she'd successfully annoyed me awake, she continued to shake me, not stopping until I flipped back around and sat up on my elbows.
"Okay?" Rubbing my eyes irritated, I looked at my sister before reaching around for my phone to check the time, it was way too early for this shit. Paul was a morning person and he didn't even wake up before eight on a normal day, I hadn't gotten up at this time since I'd stayed with my boyfriend and that was only because his apartment was a fairly long commute to my school in the mornings.
She didn't seem impressed at my lack of excitement, hands thrown in the air in exasperation and I struggled to find out why she was freaking out so much, "Uh... it's your graduation, dumbass." Rolling my eyes, I reached to my bedside table, flicking my lamp back off and turning around to get more sleep. The ceremony didn't even start until ten.
Jade, however, didn't find that acceptable and her annoying chirp of "Get up before Dad comes in with the balloons," followed by more shaking and a drawn out whine was enough to get on my nerves. "Geeeeeettttt uuuuuup-"
Groaning at the fact that she'd dragged that out so long, I started to think of ways to get out of this and the only one I could comprehend at six thirty in the morning was complying with what she was asking. Raising from my comforter, I sighed as she flicked the light back on. "Okay, okay, I'm up." My dad being the loser he was definitely would've came in here with balloons in another five minutes.
When I'd woken up from my grogginess, I found my sister digging through my empty closet. All that I ever hung in there was coats and the odd ill-fitting suit jacket from a wedding I'd been to in the seventh grade. "Alright, now what do you wanna wear under your gown?" She wasn't looking at much and I could tell that she new it from her grimace, backing away she went to dig through my drawers and I was just happy she didn't look in the bottom one, thats where I'd ended up stashing any sexual gifts from my boyfriend after the last encounter.
"Jeans?" I'd suggested, I mean I hadn't put thought into it, just assumed I'd wear whatever but apparently that wasn't socially acceptable.
"Julian, you can't wear jeans to your graduation."
Why not? "I can wear whatever I want, Jade, no one sees under your gown." And really, id never cared much about how I looked but recently being around Paul I could see reasoning in it. He always had a nice outfit, always looked good, always moisturized, and always did his hair. Recently, I'd tried to keep up when I realized that looking good and believing that I looked good really helped my self esteem as did the fact that I felt more comfortable walking next to someone as attractive as my boyfriend.
It just so happened that I was wearing something the size and shape of an oversized robe and no one even cared what was underneath.
But my sister did, keeping herself occupied with digging through my clothing. "Uh yeah they do... graduation dinners? Parties?" Knowing my dad we were going to go out to eat and knowing my friends there was definitely a party afterwards. Ben and Andy were graduating with me and Caspar... Caspar was always at parties, didn't matter what it was for, you would always see him high on someone's couch. He had slowed down a bit on usage, his partying and smoking wasn't as excessive as when he'd dated my sister but he still knew how to have fun.
Even if he was quieter.
Ignoring the fact that so much had changed within the last six months, I sighed. "Fine, what should I wear?"
Our school colors were red, white, and gold, we'd want to match that right? What Jade had suggested though was completely opposite and I was gay... But I was unfortunately not the stereotype of a fashionable guy. "Clean navy slacks since you wanna wear something dark so it won't clash too much with the gown. White quarter sleeve, this gold watch, and your Chelsea boots."
"My what?" I would assume she was talking about something high-end and I only had one high end pair of shoes, they weren't boots though?
My sister seemed to become irritated and she reiterated what I was thinking myself. "And you say you're gay? God..." Looking around, she stopped when I hadn't responded, what the hell was she talking about? Picking up the same ones I was thinking about, she threw them down near my feet and pointed at them. "The only dressy shoes you own. You know the ones that every preppy white boy wears?" She sounded like Ben when he told me my 'fit was fye' one time and it kind of confused me but I took it as a compliment.
Throwing my pants down on my bed, she grabbed the same white shirt I'd worn to meet Paul's parents and clapped her hands, "Come on, we gotta get going, I gotta start on my makeup but I'll be back." And in a flash, she was out the door, throwing a "Get in the shower!" over her shoulder.
Laying back down, a smile engulfed my face and I shook my head, this was the first morning in a while that I woke up without feeling groggy and disgusting. I was happy, I was really happy and it still had to sink in.
: : :
And I wasn't quite sure what was wrong but I had woken up with my hair a mess. Maybe I was nervous about graduation because I really couldn't get my shit together and Jade made sure to remind me multiple times throughout the morning. Thankfully, it was a little easier due to the fact that I didn't have to pick out an outfit but my hair wasn't cooperating and neither was my skin.
It had been a rough morning; I didn't feel that bad but really, I had a problem with getting myself together. Pushing a hand through my hair, I tried to pull it to the side but there was something wrong with every style I tried. Having to pulled over my forehead was too much, pushing it all the way back was too lazy looking and my forehead looked huge...
Trying a side-flip, I furrowed my brows and almost instantly felt even dumber than before.
"You look great."
And just his voice was enough to make me smile even through my frustrations. Looking in my mirror at my door, I scanned my boyfriend from head to toe and really, I could've given up the idea of being the one people would be looking at, even thinking I was the eye-catching thing in the room was more of a hope.
He was stunning, hands shoved into the pockets of some fitted dark jeans that were cuffed at the ankle, casual but still somehow formal-looking white air-max on his feet... they looked kind of expensive but maybe that was because Paul never had clean sneakers. Almost every pair of shoes he'd owned -that weren't boots- would normally be covered in some kind of paint. His white shirt was tucked messily into his pants, a belt holding them to his waist and his ass looked amazing.
And the best part, aside from the watch I'd bought his as an early birthday gift, he was wearing one of my jackets: a forest-green bomber jacket that made him look both put-together and that he didn't try that hard.
I tried not to feel uncomfortable, loosening the tie I was about to try and put on, hoping he'd help me without me having to ask. Giving his a smile, I turned around, trying not to blush and I mean, it was harder than it sounded. Almost as if it were an instinct, he made his way over, helping me tie my tie and tighten it. He did it so quickly, as if it were something he did on a daily and when he saw the look I was giving him, he chuckled a bit. HIs little laugh was so cute.
"It's something you learn to do," shrugging, he pulled it a little, loosening the part around my neck before tucking it under the collar of my shirt and clipping it together in the middle of my chest. "Good for exhibits and interviews."
Smiling at that, I felt him push a hand through my hair before delicately wrapping his fingers around my tie again and tugging me gently, placing a kiss on my lips. It was a soft kiss but now, all I could think about was kissing him again, especially when he let me go and I noticed my body was pressed against him, his hands on my lower back right on the part where my slacks started.
Biting his lip, he looked at me with dazed eyes and smiled lazily. I just wanted to kiss my nerves away, hold him for a little and wipe my mind but my hair needed to be done and we were going to be late and I didn't even know what the driving arrangements were. I tried my hardest not to think about whether or not my mother would be there but when id turned back around, my eyes caught the reflection of a cross on the wall and my throat closed up.
With shaky hands, I tried to hide my breath hitching and focused more on getting product in my hair and making it look like something presentable. Feeling his arms twine around my hips again, I felt my boyfriend place his hand on my shoulder and loses my eyes, my vision becoming blurry.
What was I crying about? There was so much good happening, so many things to be excited for, and I was standing there crying over something I should have been prepared for. Maybe she'd come, I sent her an invitation, even if she said she didn't want to see me. She wouldn't miss it, would she?
She hadn't even come when I was rushed to the ER, why would she care now?
Because she's my mom. "She's not coming, is she?"
And I didn't notice that I'd even asked that, Paul wouldn't't even understand what I was asking; my voice was so gritty and my question was vague as hell. I'd expected him to ask me to clarify and I would brush it off, not wanting to elaborate but instead of all that, he didn't even speak. He didn't even look at me, only buried his lips in my shoulder and kissed me through my shirt, holding me closer.
That said something I didn't know I needed to hear. He was going to be there, my dad was going to be there, my sister was going to be there, everyone who cared. Those are the people that deserve to be in your life.
Pushing my hands away, Paul entangled our fingers together and kissed softly at the skin of my neck. "Thanks." I wasn't sure what I was saying thank you too but I knew he had so much to do with me making it this far.
Smiling small, he nodded, pulling back from me and letting me finish in the mirror. He sat down on the edge of my bed, smoothing the comforter a bit and pulling his phone out as I finished. It took another minute but I finally got it in a way where it would look good in and out of my cap and I tried not to look at myself too hard after that. Pushing away from the mirror, I went to sit beside him, his eyes meeting mine again from his twitter timeline. "You look beautiful, absolutely perfect."
He had so much to do with my self-esteem, my heart swelled every time he so much as looked at me that way. I don't know how to explain it but it was almost like he looked at me the same way I looked at him: with a smile in his eyes and so much love surrounding us. "I'm graduating..."
"I know, I'm so proud of you." But Paul didn't love me yet, he wasn't emotionally there yet and I had to constantly remind myself to give him time, my hopes didn't need to get too high. Maybe that was why I didn't take the hesitant look that his eyes had caught after we locked gazes. And his stutter was a little concerning but he wasn't going to confess love for me and I needed to stop assuming it only to be disappointed. "Look, Jules, I-I've been meaning to-to t-talk to you."
I couldn't stop my breath from hitching as it had been doing since we left his house, he'd been doing this thing where he'd look at me a certain way before talking as if it were urgent and every time, he would trail off or change the subject.
I think getting closer to him helped my pessimism. Instead of assuming he would be breaking up with me, now I would think about him telling me that he loved me. God, I'm in love with this man.
"About what?"
And he stopped completely before restarting and letting a few syllables slip before shaking his head and stopping again."N-nevermind, this day is about you, yeah?"
"No," there was something weird about the way he was looking down after my inquiry. Normally, he would laugh it off but this time, his eyes looked glossy and he seemed like he was going to cry at any time. It was an extremely emotion- driven day but there was something upsetting him. "I mean, I don't care, what's bothering you?" I could wait. "Is this about your family-"
Shaking his head, he brushed me off again, trying to look away and make it look like he wasn't wiping his eyes. "Its not about them, I mean the trip did make me realize it but," voice cracking, he shook his head gain, this time more vigorously. "I just, I think I- um... It's really hard for me to s-say." Stopping altogether, he looked back at me and took a deep breath.
There was something different in this moment, he was looking right at me and I reached for his hand, trying to comfort him. It must've worked because unlike any other time, he looked to the ceiling before grabbing my hand in his again almost as if for strength and he spoke slower.
"Jules, I think I-" he was interrupted by a knock at my door and really, I could tell he was a mix of both relieved and dejected. I would let him take his break before acknowledging his actions, I decided, paying less attention so that he could get his thoughts in order. With a hum, my door cracked open and a head peaked around it, my dad's child-like smile on his face. Jade was right, once I'd gotten up from my bed and went downstairs, there were balloons all over the living room, banners, and a huge cake on the kitchen counter (that we wouldn't eat until late that night.)
With a smile, he entered the room, hands behind his back and a grin enveloping half of his face. "You guys ready?" Stepping further into my room, he acknowledged my boyfriend with a warm, "Hi, Paul."
"Hello, Mr. Douglas." And leaning forward, he gestured for my boyfriend to go with him. In seconds, two of the most important people in my life had exited my room together and that alone made me even more anxious than before. Even if Paul knew embarrassing things about me, my dad always made them sound ten times worse and there was something unsettling with the way my door shut.
I sat alone for a few minutes, letting them have a moment even if the idea of it made me uncomfortable. They were bonding and I had absolutely no clue what they couldn't tell me but my morning wasn't going to take a turn for the worse.
Finishing myself up, I waited for Paul to come in, trying on my gown and placing my cap on carefully only for my dad to burst through the door a few minutes later with Paul coming in after him. When he looked at me, he seemed to stop and I could hear his voice choking up as he spoke, keeping it's crack to a minimum. "Benji's parents are downstairs, h-hurry, I think he's raiding the fridge." And I tried not to laugh at the way tears were welling in his eyes.
He was proud of me.
"We'll be right out." Paul had noted and my dad followed that with a nod, closing the door behind him.
With a smile, my boyfriend tilted his head. Biting his lip, he looked me up and down with this look on his face that made my heart warm. "You ready?" He was bonding with my dad, he was here with me to watch me graduate, I was in love and I was going to play soccer for one of the best college teams in the country. Why was I still freaking out?
Inside, I felt my throat closing up with worry: I should've been happier and not trying to keep my morning on a high note. I should've been more excited and I mean, I was but that was followed by pure nerves and extreme confusion and... what if it didn't work out? What were they talking about? Why couldn't I know? I still hadn't told Paul about Santa Barbara.
What if that was what he was so scared about? What if my dad told him? What if he was going to break up with me?
He's going to break up with me and Santa Barbra might not actually want me and the team might not be the right fit. My mother didn't show up. "W-what was that about?" I couldn't help but stutter, breathing a little irregularly, everything had taken such a quick turn for the worse. They were talking about me, he's going to dump me.
And at the look on my face, my boyfriend looked confused, moving closer to me and doing that thing he did to calm me down. Often when he found me overthinking or, even sometimes, hyperventilating, he'd catch me in the makings of a panic attack. "Nothing." He spoke, eyebrows furrowing and -according to Paul- I hadn't had a panic attack since I got on meds. Slowing my breathing, I tried to calm down before he noticed I was on the edge.
"What are you doing?" I tried to smile, allow him to keep the distance he wouldn't be able to have if he was too wrapped up in me. I was okay, this was fine and I was just doing that thing again where I didn't allow myself to be happy. Everything was so overwhelming and I was creating problems that barely existed now.
I love him, I really love him and at times, I'm so sure he loves me back. We were going to be okay, he wouldn't have a problem with me being happy and soccer makes me happy. Being good at the game I loved made me happy, passing my senior year made me happy, my friends... my family, they were going to be there and they were proud of me. Making them proud made me so happy.
I was calming then, my thoughts becoming more positive and that optimism thing we worked on was taking over. That confused him, stopping his train of thought and I was able to hold off on my shaking until I was alone. Gritting my teeth, I let him continue his motions, pulling me closer. "I-I thought you were gonna panic, sorry, I care a little too much sometimes."
"Y-yeah." Smiling tightly, I tried to get him out of there before I fell apart. Thankfully, my gown was long enough to cover my trembling hands as I let this pass, I was going to stop it before it fully happened and I was immobile in my own sadness. "Can I have a minute?"
He nodded hesitantly agreeing but, somehow, still looking confused.
"I just- I need a second." There was so much rushing through my body, I couldn't hold on for too much longer, I could already feel myself stumbling and my breathing becoming short and I suddenly felt hot in all the wrong places, I needed air. I needed a second alone to relax and to allow myself to go through the motions, the tension needed to disperse soon, there was a tightness in my chest and everything felt so compressed.
I needed space and although he didn't understand that, he respected it. "Meet me downstairs? I'm gonna go save your dad's frozen quesadillas." And with a kiss, he left my room and that gave me the time and space to loosen my tie a bit the way Paul had done before and tae a few short breaths. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them and tried to think of nothing but positives.
: : :
Sitting with my class, in a group of people that I didn't really notice until now, I couldn't help but feel the same as I had in my room alone. Everything was moving so fast, even if it did feel like it took forever to get here, the more I moved forward with my life, the more I found myself looking back and wondering how things just slipped by,
I was stuck in this cycle of not knowing what was happening until it had already happened and missing moments once they had passed. Everything was so confusing yet so simple at the same time and sitting with a class of over four hundred, it was overwhelming to say the least.
"And now for a speech from Andrew Baker, this year's valedictorian." Andy had been doing so many speeches as the year ended, along with soccer, he also played track, was in various clubs, and lots of social circles. When it came to addressing the team after our final game, his speaking voice was so strong, as was his ability to engage the whole audience.
"I tried to write this speech a million times, actually, a million and one," Andy had laughed into the crowd. He had a way with people and a way with words that pulled you in and despite how worried I'd been, he had this way of being so raw yet calculated, I had to listen. "But each and every time I sat down to write, there was this little voice in the back of my head that told me that I was going about it the wrong way."
"You see, I was going to stand up here and attempt to motivate over two thousand people with the same rhetoric in every cliche high school music, more generic than a Hallmark card. I was going to say that it's been bumpy and from here all we can go is up, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to but its not that simple." Stepping forward a little more, becoming more comfortable, he projected his thoughts aloud and you couldn't even tell what parts he'd free-thought. Everything was coming from the heart.
"You see, at eighteen, I thought I had it all figured out. I assumed that I'd be someone amazing, someone who put himself first and someone who knew exactly where he was going and how he would get there, as many of us probably thought until about April of this year." And I nodded, who I was at the beginning of the year wouldn't have even been friends with who I am now, probably would've stood by as my old friends degraded someone like me. I'd only feel remorse when I sat at home at night, playing Calum's favorite game that I really didn't even like.
How now, I was more tuned in on my sexuality and how completely broken I had to be to get here. I was a mess and I resonated so much with what Andy was saying, it was like he wrote it for me.
That was, until I realized that he was going through similar things and instead of helping him through it, me and Andy had gotten a bit distanced. It was a mutual thing but I felt bad for it nonetheless.
"Star athlete, sure, student council, a straight A student but what does that mean? Why did we spend four years taking standardized tests when I half of us haven't even developed basic communication skills? Why do I know all these formulas and all of ancient civilization's laws when I can't even figure out the simple things like what I want to do with my life... how I want to get there, what steps I need to take to further myself as a functioning human being?"
"High school is more than that to me, high school was my start, yes, it was the stepping stone to my career as college will be but this building that we are standing in, sitting around tons of people be probably have never even spoken to..." "This is what shaped me to be the person I am today, the people I surrounded myself with are who made me want to become who I strive to become everyday."
"You see, a few months ago, I came to a revelation in my identity. I am a person who stands up for what they believe in and I believe in a lot of things."
And he came out to every person in that room, he came out in his valedictorian speech. "I am a bisexual athlete in a world where thats just not understood. My sexuality is often deemed fake or disgusting and I will face adversity in my life because of it. But I am more than that, we are more than just the labels that we have acquired throughout these four years. We are smart and independent and vibrant, and alive, and ready."
Andy, being, well, Andy... he had to make a joke about that because, really, not of us were fully ready, "well, I mean, some of us. Dad, I need gas money to get to work tomorrow, please and thank you."
When the crowd settled down from their laughter, he found a calm place. "But more than that, I am just a person trying to figure it all out. We are all just people: wading in waters too deep for us to stand, surfing waves too big for us to float and we have to be prepared. We will be knocked down along the way, believe me, I have been torn down many times, but from now we do not have the option to just give up." He paused before speaking bluntly into the microphone and I felt as if he were looking right at me, "this world is ours for the taking; ours for the changing, and life does not wait for anyone."
"I've learned more than just facts in a textbook, I have learned how to be a productive member in society. I have learned to have a voice and I have learned when to use it. I fell in love, I found what I love, I have failed and I have succeeded and I thought that I could prolong the future but," Smiling, he said what we were all thinking and we were all just teenagers sitting beside one another, anticipating our next move. Everyone seemed more human in that moment.
"The truth is, the future is inevitable and thats a terrifying thing. We won't have this security anymore, we don't have this security anymore because after today, we are all graduates. That wave is coming and we can either rise above it or drown. It's your choice now; we're in the water now." And with that, he shrugged.
"Let's swim."
"Thank you, Andrew." The rest of the ceremony breezed by too fast for me to catch up once Andy had sat down and his speech had fully sunk in, he was so brave, braver than I was and I was so proud of him. Of him, of Ben, of myself. Grabbing my diploma was slightly mortifying but so exhilarating when I'd shook hands with my Coach on the way back to my seat. This man had done so much for me and when he pulled me in for a hug, I knew he would be one of the most influential people I would ever meet in my life.
"I present to you your graduates."
: : :
Graduations were so much more hectic than I thought they would be. Finding my group was so difficult, I'd passed a few curly mops before locating him, almost ten minutes after the ceremony had ended. When it was over, I ended up walking with Ben and Andy to meet their families, Caspar and Will both with Ben's parents and I had spent the entirety of that meeting just standing by as will gushed over how proud she was of us and all the pictures.
Ben's mom wasn't crying but his dad had wiped his eyes a few times and it made my heart swell at the thought that he had the loving support system he needed. Although seeing Andy hugging his mom did make me think of mine, I wasn't coming off the high anytime soon. This day was about me not my mother.
And I held onto that until I'd seen my boyfriend in a crowd a little ways away from me. He was on his phone and his hair had caught in the wind, he looked so great yet so lost around so many hugging families. When he'd spotted, he spoke something into the phone he was holding, a look of relief on his face as he looked around a bit, seeming describing his surroundings.
When he'd put his phone away, he'd moved his gangly legs towards me, a big smile on his face and I couldn't resist the excitement bubbling in my stomach that I found myself latched onto him, my arms twined around his neck and he held me tighter, pulling me up off the ground. "I'm so proud of you."
That made me break, all my emotions coming out in tear form and sniffled, 'I love you's. His hugs only got tighter, only became warmer and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't worried about how much weight I was putting on him or how weird we looked to people or how some people still thought I was dating Andy... I didn't care. "I love you so much, I couldn't have done this without you."
"You could've, You did, that was all you." He spoke before setting me down, turning me to face him and I was sure there were tear tracks down my face and I was incredibly red. My boyfriend didn't even skip a beat, pushing some hair -that had gotten tousled- to its rightful side and pulling me in for a soft, sweet kiss. "So where from here, Michigan State?" And my heart sank.
I'd gotten accepted into a few schools around the area as well, I'd told him about all of those but that wasn't where I planned on going.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to be as brace as Andy had been even if my voice had came out rushed. "IgotintoSantaBarbra."
I don't know why I expected anything other than Paul's excited eyes. He was smiling so hard when given the news, his eyes lighting up and he'd pulled me back to him, lifting me in the air again. His movements were so fast and he was still smiling when he kissed me again. And again.
And again. "Really?" My head was woozy after the third, I felt a rush, my heart expanding so wide my chest felt too small. I held so much love for this man. "Why didn't you tell me, baby? Thats amazing." I couldn't help but hug him again.
"I don't know, I just didn't want you to be upset with me, I guess." My voice was small and all I could think of was when I'd gotten the realization that California was thousands of miles away from everyone I loved. I was worried to leave and mostly, it was my fear of being alone but also who I'd be leaving alone. My dad, sure he had Jade, but he'd been so lonely since the separation.
My sister had been so alone since her breakup, since the strain on our relationship, and as much as she pretended not to... she missed mom as much as I did.
"Upset? Why would I be upset?" His soft voice was enough to sedate my melancholy thoughts. "The distance? Julian, I am so proud of you, you got into the school of your dreams, I could never not be happy about that." Hesitating after that, he made the same face he was making in my room earlier.
He seemed a little uncomfortable, scratching behind his neck and I tried so hard to not assume this was another break. The last one came so quick, so unexpected and as much as I trusted him... that look scared me. "Look, Jules, I..." trailing off, he looked around, eyes on his hands as he scratched he insides of his palms and I was suddenly nervous. Not as nervous as he was, "I've been meaning to tell you-" swallowing, he went to open his mouth again but nothing had come out.
"What?"
Taking my hands in his, he spoke a little clearer, "I just, Jules, you make me so happy and I don't want this to..." gesturing to our clasped hands, Paul smiled sadly, his eyes tearing up and I wanted to cry just from the sight let alone the words. "I want this to be how I spend the rest of my life." And he stopped, I knew he had more to say but I didn't wanna push so smiling, I kissed him again, my heart fluttering at the thought that these feelings were more mutual than I'd expected and I ended up brushing away his tears and pulling him out of the crowd much as I would expect him to do for me.
"Is that what you're scared of?" And I tried laughing softly, Paul following suit and he assured me that these were happy tears. "Hey... don't cry, I love you, okay? I love you so much." The look he'd given me after that was such a mixture of fright and something I'd been seen in his eyes recently that I couldn't exactly pinpoint and he went to speak but every time he did that, nothing came out and we were just standing there in the middle of the parking lot of the EMU.
And I wanted him to let whatever was holding him back go but I decided to give him the time he needed, Paul wasn't always going to be automatically ready to tell me, I learned that the hard way and although, I hated not being able to help him... I gave him what he wanted and dropped the conversation.
I don't know what time my dad had gotten to me but a few people had left the area. If we didn't leave soon, we'd be stuck in traffic. "You ready?" Something was telling me that Paul and I would be okay even if he didn't tell me what he was hiding and that was calming in a situation where pessimistic me would normally freak out internally and unintentionally externally.
"Yeah, where'd you park the car?"
And he gave me an amused, "Why?" Leaving my side, I assumed that my boyfriend was allowing me some space with my dad, even if he didn't need to leave.
That confused me, was I supposed to ride with Ben or something? "Why?" furrowing my brows, I laughed awkwardly, looking around to see what he meant. "Paul didn't drive, remember?"
"You can drive."
"Yes?" Was that supposed to be funny? I learned to drive three years ago and my dad taught me himself so what was he getting at? "You want me to drive the car?"
"Your car, yeah."
"Huh?"
And I saw him toss something, it flying through the air towards me, instincts making me reach for whatever it was so quickly and catch it swiftly. Looking down at whatever it was, my fingers uncurled around a set of keys and my heart stopped.
"2015 Ford Fusion, take it for a test drive." He was joking, he was so fucking joking. That alone made my car feel like a red Mercedes. There was no way.
"Dad, are you serious?"
"Turn around." And I still thought it was a joke as I was turning around but then I saw it, my boyfriend in the driver's seat and parked behind me. My heart dropped to my knees at that, he'd gotten me a car. "I figured you could pay me back when you sign that pro contract." I could've cried.
Despite us having money, my dad never liked to spoil us, taught us that we had to earn everything, especially material items so it wasn't anything I'd ever expected.
"Thanks, Dad." I'd become more confident in my masculinity that year, I'd changed and I'd become way more secure in myself as a whole but the person I was before coming out wouldn't have been able to so openly express his emotions in a public setting. That day had made me realize how different everything was for me because the fact that everything was still the same, I was the one who had changed.
Each and everything that had happened to me this year, positive and negative, each of them had impacted me in some way and I was happy to have experienced it because it made me who I was and I was starting to love him. Julian Douglas was someone in Michigan and I knew I was finding him.
I wasn't sure how long had passed but my dad had started to laugh that low rumble that used to make me feel safe years back and he had pulled me closer before pushing me away gently and letting me wipe the tears from my face. "Stop hugging me, Asswipe and go take my son in law for a ride." And I felt five again, my dad comforting me with humor and staying strong when I fell apart. He would let me cry when I needed but never for too long as he said I had to get back up and keep fighting, keep trying. Through everything, he was always there for me and I couldn't have asked for a better father.
Watching my little family smile at me, I couldn't help but turn to lock eyes with my boyfriend. "You knew about this?" and he'd nodded, the dots connecting inside my brain and I realized how stupidly and quickly I'd jumped to conclusions. I needed to work on that. "I love you guys."
And my dad went to grab my hand with the keys in them and look me in my eye, wrapping his hand around mine, "I'm proud, we are so proud of you, Julian." Nodding, I went to hug Jade, her almost instantly pulling me off and I pushed a quick kiss into her hair just to annoy her.
Gagging, she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I kind of love you too."
: : :
Okay so maybe I hadn't completely followed Paul's rules for going to our first party. Maybe I had been thinking about it when we entered the dingy and overcrowded dorm but I kind of, sort of forgot when he'd disappeared for a bit to go to the bathroom, leaving me with Ben and I'd had a Coke that I was 100% sure was not spiked... well, 100% until I'd finished my cup and the cute boy pouring drinks had slipped me a refill and his number which I kindly declined.
Then the percentage of my sureness started ticking down and it wasn't until my fourth drink that I felt a little woozy. By then, Paul's rules kind of went in one ear and out the other and I'd had a shot of whatever they were pouring.
But only one, I swear.
I wasn't sure who it was that said I looked athletic and dragged me into a game of beer pong, what that had to do with athleticism, I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure who's house this was and what school most of these people were from, it was a graduation party turned house party and there were girls doing body shots off the kitchen island.
I was, however, sure that the guy I was going against was great at beer pong, he'd knocked out half my cups in the time it took me to get two of his and half my blood was alcohol.
The song playing wasn't registering, it was some old mainstream rap music and Ben had made a comment about how white you had to be to play Post Malone at a kickback and I very much agreed. When he'd disappeared for a bit, I was sure he'd hijacked the music and all of a sudden, I could hear what my friends listened to in the car.
I didn't know any of the words beside the chorus but I knew it was about ass and making it rain and the 20 0r so black people in the party -that Ben had pointed out when we walked in- were so hype that everyone else joined in and suddenly, I could feel some excitement in the room.
Ben was jumping around, his whole body moving in ways that I couldn't even imagine possible and he'd grabbed some girl's waist near him, moving his hips against her ass in grinding motions, her backing all the way up on him and moving with the beat.
If I wasn't so drunk, I would've felt so awkward and out of place but Ben's encourgement was fueling as was the cloudy feeling in my head and I felt a body brushed against mine, it moving in ways that Ben's girl was. I'd danced along, it being harmless, that only lasting through half a song until the girl had found someone else who was more into grinding on her.
And I'd ended up dancing with ben, him teaching me some of his moves and laughing boisterously and lightheartedly when I didn't get them exactly right. That had to be one of the best nights of my life and Andy was right, I was vibrant and alive and I was ready.
A/N:
wrote this after an extreme case of senoritis. I think I'm good.
Updated: February 17, 2018.