Happy birthday zoliviam, have an awesome day!
Pic - My poor bby Flynny <3
This song.. his voice.. UGH I JUST... I JUST.... I WANNA STEAL HIM AWAY AND MAKE HIM SERENADE ME. *cries* *screams* *slams a door* - I just listened to this continuously when writing this so I suggest you listen to it too when you get further down the chapter! :)
---- ---- ---- ----
I used to recognise myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away
So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
---- ---- ---- ----
It had been about six days since that dreadful Christmas Day.
Just two days after, my body was just so exhausted. So many things happened that day, it was all crammed into one afternoon and its making me worn out just thinking about it.
After those tiring two days, I managed to pull my shit together and I actually felt pretty okay, considering. I felt sad because of recent events, sure, but just as sad as any normal, healthy human being and not down in the dumps like my illness could potentially make me.
See, I was making progress. I managed to read some of that booklet I was told to read and it was very informative and I understood it well. The blurred lines between depressed and depressed or content and overly cheery were officially clear, at least I think so.
I decided to take Casey to the supermarket because Karen needed some things at home, of course, she didn't tell me this herself because the only things I've been saying to her was 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe'. Dad wasn't happy that I wasn't getting along with Karen, and I'm not sure how Casey felt, but she did an incredibly unfair, horrible act and now things are awkward and quiet between Ben and I and I get a tiny bit upset just thinking about it.
I grabbed a trolley and just seconds later, Casey jumped inside and I was giggling like a little school girl as we ran through the aisles, getting told off and shouted at for causing ruckus. This was something Casey and I would always do together when we weren't out shopping with Karen or Dad because they would be telling us off too and then we'd get sent to the car while they just do the shopping themself.
"Mum wanted some bleach, dishwasher tablets, dishwasher salt and some apples." Casey informed me, "I'll text her to find out if she wanted anything else."
Shrugging, I just ran towards the housewares section to grab all the nescessary things before going towards the fruit and veggies.
"Why does she want apples, Dad just bought a whole bunch last week?" I asked, raising a brow. I watched Casey suddenly sit up and bit her lip, all I did was purse my lips together and wait for an explanation.
"You're not going to like this, but we're going to Wendy and Tasha's new years party later today, mum wanted to make an apology apple crumble."
"I'm not going."
"Yes, you have to. You don't have to see Ben, but whatshisface will be there."
"Who?"
"That Zach guy... he's yours and Ben's friend, right?"
I just sighed. If Ben's friends were there, that would mean friends from school, which would also mean people that went to my school, with me, who knew me as the popular guy that had this perfect life. God, I really wasn't looking forward to seeing their faces just to remind me of those high school years that I've tried super hard to put behind me.
Casey was acting so cool and composed with her black studded UGG boots we bought her for Christmas propped up on the edge of the trolley, meanwhile, I just felt the need to throw a tantrum like a five year old.
"Why aren't you bitchy? You're thirteen, shouldn't you be slamming doors and screaming at people's faces by now?" I chuckled.
"I think you do both of those for me." She replied with a cocky smirk, testing me.
"I agree." I laughed.
For the next half an hour, we continued on shopping, meaning running through a bunch of aisles unnecessarily, laughing our heads off and buying junk food. We finally got to checkout, but only after we were told that we'd be asked to leave the supermarket if we didn't behave.
Casey jumped out the trolley and helped me bag the groceries up and we both hobbled to the car, carrying as many bags as we could on our two arms to avoid having to go back and forth between our car and the supermarket to put the trolley back.
She propped her feet up on the dashboard and rested her head on her hands that were propped up by her elbows on the arm rest. I wanted to chuckle at how even though she doesn't talk like a teenager, she does dress and act like one - she was currently wearing the black studded UGG boots, my black hoodie and a pair of black leggings. She was definitely going through some sort of phase.
"I hope mine and Ben's argument didn't screw up yours and Harry's friendship." I mused. Their big performance was next week and since Christmas, they've only had one practice, which is pretty surprising.
"No, we're good - as thick as two thieves."
"Oh my god, I have never, in all my years, heard someone use that phrase. Stop acting older, you're only thirteen!" I snickered.
"Fine, I'll stop."
"Really?"
"No." she snorted.
We reached the house and brought in all the shopping in just one painful trip. I'd break my arm, two fingers and fall on my head before having to make two trips.
Karen was in the kitchen, getting started on the apple crumble and I didn't say anything to her, instead, I clambered up the stairs and decided to choose which clothes i'd be wearing this evening. I didn't want anything too dressy, but since people from my old school would know me as the guy that dressed trendy one hundred percent of the time, I guess I should make some kind of effort.
I decided on a denim shirt, dark jeans and a pair of trainers. It wasn't anything too close to the old Flynn, it was just in between, which was good, because dressing completely like my old self would make me feel rather uncomfortable.
It was around quarter past seven when Casey came to my room and said we had to leave. I had eaten a quick dinner beforehand, for the reason being that I knew I'd have some drinks tonight. The entire house smelt of apple crumble when I reached downstairs and Dad handed me the baking tray that carried it and said I have to give this to them.
We decided to walk it there and the cold air bit at my skin, it didn't get much better when I realised the party was mainly in the garden, which I had never seen before. It was a nice sized garden and it had been decorated with little lights everywhere and a big banner than read '2014' in big, bold letters. You could hear the barbecue sizzling over the loud, pounding music.
"You're weird," I teased Casey, she raised a brow and waited on an elaboration, "One moment, you wear all black everything and the next, you're dressed in all pink and wearing lip gloss... Wait, what's that? A plait? My god, just when you thought it couldn't get worse..."
"Shut up." She said, rolling her eyes at me and walking away. I saw her cheeks get red a little and a ghost of a smile plaster her lips right before she left.
I laughed to myself and saw Tasha so I handed her the dessert that was still in my hands before spotting Zach and Jace near the back of the garden, beers in hand. I had to squeeze through a lot of rambunctious people before I reached the two lovebirds but when I did, I wrapped my arms around both their shoulders and grinned.
I was never close to Jace, but he was always stuck to Zach's side and it was difficult to find Zach alone, besides Christmas day of course.
"Flynn! What's up?" Zach said excitedly and punched my arm. Jace just smiled to me and cuddled up to his boyfriend. He looked a lot different... I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Was it the hair? I think it was... no, it was the glasses! He wasn't wearing them.
"Not much, but things didn't go quite to plan." I shrugged.
"With the jumping in with two feet?"
"Shut up!" I whisper shouted, placing a hand over his mouth.
"Oh, I know everything." Jace laughed. "I am Ben's closest friend, and my boyfriend is your closest friend. They both can't shut their mouths."
I sighed and ducked my head, hopefully succeeding in hiding my flushed face. "I'm getting a drink."
I finally reached the drinks table without being seen with cheeks as red as a tomato. With people hip bumping and cheering all around me to the loud, upbeat music, I'm also surprised I got here in one piece.
I poured myself a hard drink, JD and coke, feeling like I need it to survive the night. I actually found myself being able to relax a little. I didn't know how long I was stood there or how many drinks I had and which of them were hard or light, but I just felt like people-watching and I watched as everyone danced and enjoyed each other's company, meanwhile, I was acting like a total introvert by not talking to anybody.
Jace seemed quite popular today, but that was only because Ben's friends were also his friends. I poured myself another hard drink and felt myself feel a little better, st least that's until I found Ben drilling holes into my head with those empowering green orbs of his.
I took a deep breath and took a sip of my drink, but he was still looking. He was even talking to someone but instead of looking at them, he was looking at me! Why?!
Finally, the man he was speaking to disappeared off to a bunch of rowdy adults and he motioned his head to follow him as he walked down the side of the house and into the small gap between the wall and the fence.
I contemplated it and in the end, decided I should just go there otherwise it would bother me all night not knowing what he wanted to say. Ugh, even without talking to me, he still found a way to irritate me to no ends.
I followed his trail and saw his blonde hair go inside the house through a small back door. Gingerly, I walked over to it and tried my best not to trip on a slab of stone, which is something I'd totally do.
The back door led to the kitchen and I downed my drink - something I instantly regretted - and placed the cup down on a countertop.
The pounding of the music followed me as I carefully treaded up the stairs to follow him into his bedroom, passing the familiar, dimly lit hallway. It was as if, even though I've been here a few times, I was now in a place I've never been before, like a stranger's home.
He was sat on the bed and I just leaned awkwardly against the wall, trying to not make it obvious that my heart just wanted to jump out of my chest. His room was a complete mess at the moment, it seemed as though the entire world's garbage was just in his room. Coats and shoes where everywhere, a pile of books on the floor, about two lamps which I recognised as the ones that were in the living room and a couple fragile ornaments. Maybe all this stuff was in here because they didn't want it it to be downstairs where the guests are.
Ben just looked to me with a blank stare, he rested his elbows on his leg and used that to prop his head up. I just wanted to admire how perfectly his hair rested on his head and how amazing he looked with his fitted black t-shirt and blue jeans along with his timberlands, but I also wanted to slap myself silly for looking at him in such a way.
All of a sudden, the door slammed behind me, snapping me out of my stupor and I heard some familiar voices.
"Wait, you fucking ambushed me?!" I exasperated, staring Zach in the eye, "what the hell, man?!"
"It was my idea." Ben sighed, "you didn't hear me out before."
I turned around, following the voice. Ben was now stood up with his arms crossed and I just shoved his chest back, making him fall back on the bed.
"I want to leave." I spat, my voice scary sounding even to me. Shit, I didn't even realise I could reach octaves so low.
Before I could reach out to the door handle, Jace grabbed both my wrists and pushed me down on the bed. He had some help from Zach once I started fighting his iron grip.
"Just listen." Jace said. "Don't get mad at Zach either, I told him to go along with this, he was against it at first."
"R-really?" I asked, staring at him. Zach has his hands in his trouser pockets and all he did was nod at me.
I let out a deep breath and lay flat down on Ben's bed, spreading my arms and legs out but being mindful of Ben's body beside me. He sat up and rested against the slab of wood that was at the foot of his bed.
"This is so fucking unfair." I muttered, "I can't even fucking trust you guys with my secrets."
"Neither of them know everything, unless you've told Zach of course..." Ben trailed off, pursing his lips after
"What's are you on about?" The two said in unison, looking completely clueless as they stared at us.
I just sighed, not bothering to answer them. Ben didn't tell Zach or Jace that I used to like him, and I was so glad because that would've been a complete game changer.
"Are you going to listen now?" Ben asked, sounding a little impatient.
I didn't answer him, I just stared at the boring white ceiling and laced my fingers together as they they rested on top of my abdomen. Maybe if I don't say anything at all, they'd leave me alone and Ben and I could go back to hating each other like we've become so accustomed to over the years.
We were like polar opposites, neither of us could last long enough in a friendship that will only end badly.
Ben cussed under his breath, "fine, don't answer me, just know that Karen gave me a choice, she didn't force me into becoming friends with you like you accused me of."
It was his choice? Why would he choose to do something so stupid and reckless? Wait, did Karen tell him I had my disorder before or after giving him the choice?
"At first, I was confused and weirded out because I've disliked you since forever and I had always thought bad of you, but once I got to know you, you weren't bad company, hence my confusion."
Ben? Liking me as a friend? Thinking I'm good company? Ha, I must be high or something.
Although my thoughts were consuming me, I remained quiet and tried my best to keep my facial expression phlegmatic.
I kept my eyes focused on the blank white ceiling.
I saw Zach and Jace leave my line of eyesight and then I heard the door open and close. Shit, now it's just Ben and I. I could feel the tension building up.
He fidgeted about before talking again. "I know that I screwed up, okay? I know now to not make anymore silly decisions, but Karen really does want the best of you. My mums filled me in on the details of what happened after I left."
Wow, he really needs to clean or repaint those corners... They're getting pretty rank.
I could tell Ben was started to get a little annoyed at me not answering him when he started huffing and running his hand over his face and pulling at his hair.
It was funny how I was really trying to keel composure, like really trying, because otherwise I'd be telling him I forgive him when I don't and I'd find it extremely difficult to not run my hands through his hair and kiss him, even though he would most definitely not appreciate those.
"I shouldn't be the only was explaining myself to you." He started, "you used to like me? How does that even work?"
I felt a bit of anger rise through me, mainly because I was angry at myself for liking him and accidentally spilling the secret, the last thing I wanted right now was to be reminded of it.
"I don't know! That was never supposed to come out, so just stop talking about it!" I finally let out, sitting up. Fuck, the one sided conversation thing was going so well.
His eyebrows were furrowed together, "I deserve to know."
"Oh yeah, like I deserved to know you were getting tips from Karen behind my back!" I retorted.
He ran a hand down his face and I finally saw his shoulders get tense. Now he's getting all riled up and the only experience I have with aggressive people is my dad because of his anger issues, then again, I've dealt with aggressive people in a few of my one-night stands... But that's a completely different way so it doesn't count.
"I couldn't tell anyone," I whispered, feeling a tear slide down my cheek, "I kept trying to deny it but I just couldn't in the end. However, if Karen was asking you to do this behind my back, I should know. That's how a friendship works."
"I told you already that I knew you'd be hurt if you knew the truth." Ben explained. "I didn't want to make you any more depressed than you already were - I didn't want to trigger an episode."
"I would've found out at some point! It would've been easier for me if you just told me in the first place." I said, my voice a little shaky. God, that's stupid lump in my throat was there again, I've never been such a cry baby. In fact, you'd rarely see me crying, but things have changed now and I have a stupid diagnosis that explains my sudden changes in emotions.
"I'm sorry." He tried.
"You've said that plenty of times."
"No, but I really am, and I really liked hanging out with you... You were actually pretty chill." I just brought my knees to my chest and buried my face behind them, peeking slightly at him. "You weren't really my enemy in school, Liam was, but you were just an easy target because I didn't want to get my revenge on Liam... We've already cleared this up."
"No, I tormented you too." I muttered, staring downwards and feeling too awkward and scared to look him in the eye. I feel that, if I do so, I'd become even weaker than I am now because his green eyes will just find a way to reel me in.
"Can we just get past this, please?" He pleaded, "I'm genuinely sorry."
I sighed again at that stupid 'S' word he keeps repeating and this time, looked up to meet his eyes, but finding enough strength in me to hold back accepting his apology- I knew it could only end badly.
"No, people like you and I just don't belong as friends." I told him, "nothing good will come out of it, we'd literally be a ticking time bomb because we just wouldn't work. It's a means to an end."
After that, I couldn't hold back the rest of the tears, even if it only was a few and not a full blown crying session.
I came closer to him and I wasn't sure what came over me, but I found my arms wrapping around him as he was practically being forced to cradle me in his arms. His arms tightened around me ever so slightly, but nowhere near as tight as I wanted them to be. It's reality, meaning you can't just hug someone like this an expect a cuddle back, especially when the other person is a guy who doesn't do too well with feelings.
I looked up as his surprised face as his mouth formed an 'o' but before he could talk, we both heard a count down from ten outside his window as people in the garden excitedly gathered round and cheered the New Years on.
"Ten!"
"Nine!"
I dove my head into his chest and pulled at his shirt.
"Eight!"
"Seven!"
I listened to the steady thumping of his heart.
"Six!"
"Five!"
He finally tightened his grip, but it was only by a fraction.
"Four!"
"Three!"
I relished in his warm arms for one last time.
"Two!"
"One!"
"Happy new year." I muttered, squeezing him tightly and then finally releasing my iron grip on his shirt.
I straightened out my clothes as I stood up and left the room quietly, not even looking at him once.
I'm afraid that, if I look at him, I'll have a full crying session, hell, I'd probably even drop to my knees right here, right now.
One thing I knew was, Ben and I were never supposed to be friends, it wouldn't work, he's too different from me and we both know that it's only a matter of time until we both start disliking each other again because i'd rather the two of us become acquaintances than enemies.