As I am sitting here in this cold and dark cell, I can hear the judge's words still ringing truth into my bones and the words piercing throughout my mind. I can still see the pain and lifeless eyes of my mother as I was sentence for 3 years minimum for attempted manslaughter and for possession of a weapon as a minor. The words of "Kian Robert Lawley. I sentence you to three years in Juvenile prison where I hope you learn more about why you're there and I hope you learn a better way in life kid. Because I do see potential in you but you messed up your life and you need to fix it" which I suppose I need to do in this hell of a place. I've been here for nearly three months and I have been in more fights than I can count and I have spent many nights fearing for my life. I honestly hate it here and I really wish I could go back to that day and change my decision. The judge was right. I messed up my own life and I needed to fix it. I still replay that day in my mind to this day.
It had been one hell of a day. I had lost my job because I was late and I turned up stoned and while that was happening, my mother had found used drug bags in my room and had packed my bag and chucked me on the street. All I remember was having the door slammed in my face and after sitting on my doorstep for a few hours with the hopes of being able to get into home again, I went to my local drug spot and began to get higher than usual. I used drugs to get me through my life and I knew that I needed to escape in a more permeant way that day. From that moment, I don't really remember what happened until I was standing in front of the shop owner yelling abuse and death threats at the poor women. I knew it was wrong but something snapped in me and I continued and I ended up here. Like I said, the judge was right. I messed up my own life and I knew I really needed to fix it but honestly I don't know how to do it in this messed up and dark hole where I am fearing for my own life. I just don't know.