Hey Daddy,
So, lately I've been feeling rather down about you not being here, and it sucks. Because I literally cried myself to sleep the other night hugging the teddy you gave me when I was born. I can't seem to let that go right now, the teddy I mean. I have to be hugging it otherwise I can't even sleep. It gives me a sense of security, a sense that you're still with me, no matter what. I just hate that you're not here with me, so I didn't have to feel this way. I just wish that I could live instead of just existing. Because that's all I've really done.
You'd kill me though, because I had to drop out of college. I had to leave the place and something I loved behind. And I'm now pretty sure that everyone I was friends with hates me. Heck, I even hate me for doing it. I had something good and then I ruined it, or well, depression ruined it. Because it seemed to take me to a dark place that I had no intentions of returning too. I can't seem to think that I'm safe anymore, dad. I'm not safe in my own body, my own mind or my own car. I've crashed it, I've broken a window, lashed out at Craig and the dog. Yes, Zak's still here and alive. He's nearly ten. Gosh, I still remember the day we went and got him. I was frightened because a Rottweiler tried to attack me before but his mother was as friendly as a giant. And then he was the only one that kept coming to me and I literally just fell in love with him. But, also, mum lost her cigarettes when his mother took her for a walk. By gosh, that was hilarious. And then we got lost on the way back out from buying Zak. We ended up going out the back door instead of the front one so we had to find an alternative route out. Ha ha. But, to be honest, dad, I feel closed in again. I feel like I have no friends outwith the four walls of my house. I know I don't, because I still have Samm, Ali and Frank, etc.. But, it just feels like I'm forgotten or just, a memory to them.
I feel more alone now, dad, than ever before. I feel like I'm about to combust or that I should belong in a psychiatric ward at the hospital. Because I don't even feel me.
But, let's talk about this photo I found of you.
What the heck was your hair like? It's like someone stuck an afro on your head. Like, I knew you were a farmer, but the hair? OH MY GOD. THE HAIR! You never cease to amaze me, dad. And I always did wonder why I had thick, bushy hair on occasions. Now I know.
I love you, Dad.
Always and forever,
Marriann xx