Sleep hasn't come easy. Even with me being tucked into the side of Nicolas on this surprisingly comfortable hotel bed. Each time my lids connect with each other I find myself revisiting the proposal I was presented with. It's a big decision. Not one that I can make overnight and while he said he would give me time, I feel like he wanted me to agree to it right away.
I never thought about death before this point. Never considered that it was ultimately my destiny or even that one day I would join my mother on the other side like most people do when they lose someone close to them. The idea of that, seeing her again, holding her, and having her run her fingers through my hair is appealing. I would love to spend eternity with her, planting wildflowers in the sky.
On the other hand, I really wouldn't mind forever with Nicolas. I'm not Simone but a piece of me does feel like I was robbed of that once before. In one way or another I feel like maybe my soul was meant to be infused with his. It wasn't always in this body but from the moment he wiggled his way within it, it's yearned for him.
The issue though is the change itself. If he doesn't know what that change will be exactly, how can I ever prepare for it? How do I know what I'm giving up? Sunlight? The ability to eat strawberry cheesecake in the middle of the night and enjoy every single bite of it? I watched Nicolas eat but to me it didn't seem satisfying and the idea of having to consume blood actually makes my stomach turn. I'm sure when I'm standing on that line of ravenous hunger and kill mode that'll change.
That's another thing. In agreeing to this I would become a killer. I don't want to dwell too much on the negatives but also, my father comes to mind in this. From what I gathered, wolves have been replaced in the Council so they aren't immortal? I don't want to live while my father dies. I know being who I am right now, that is more than likely my fate. Normal people have to bury their parents all the time but I'm a big ass crybaby that's a special snowflake and and don't want to have to do that.
My focus needs to remain on the bright side though. Stronger is the main point of this. Of course...Nicolas being there for it is a huge bonus.
Tilting my head back slightly I looked over his closed eyes and peaceful dark features. Nope. I wouldn't mind seeing that face everyday for the rest of my life. Wouldn't mind at all.
Slowly I raised my hand to reach his cheek just below his left eye and gently trailed the tips of my fingers over his skin. It was warm. Not as warm as mine but warmer than one would think for a vampire. Trailing my fingers down to his nose I felt small gusts of warmth coming from his nostrils. He breaths. Whether it's needed or not I don't know but it still amazes me that he does it. When I came to his lips I used my index finger to trace the shape of them. They are perfect. Everything about him is perfect and for the price of my life, he could be all mine.
Carefully I slid up far enough to level my lips with his. I want a kiss. Just a quick one to lock into my mind so if I do change and lose my humanity I could say I had the chance to be as affectionate with him as I wanted. Upon lowering my lips to his I felt his hand come up around the small of my back and cup my butt.
"The affection will never stop. Not as long as you're with me." he whispered, closing the tiny gap between our lips to peck them.
"You were listening to me the whole time? Even when I was planning to take advantage of you in your sleep?"
I was greeted by a half smile revealing one of his fangs, "I don't sleep but if you want to take advantage of me I can pretend. Por favor, feel free to take my pants off."
While I rolled my eyes I laughed at him, "Again, you'd like that wouldn't you?"
"Si, muy mucho." he purred squeezing my butt to the point of making me squeal.
"If you don't sleep then why were your eyes closed?"
"I was thinking."
He can hear inside of my head but he's really going to wait for me to ask..."About?"
Nicolas sighed roughly closing his eyes again like someone with intentions of going to sleep, "You."
"Ok, I wasn't really going to pry but now you have to tell me." I shifted in his arms throwing one of my legs over his hips causing him to pur again.
"You can't expect me to think any further with you doing this to me." Of course, that made me remove myself in hopes of him answering. He sighed again rubbing his hand across my back repeatedly. "I was thinking that every reason I gave you for wanting to turn you was selfish. Everything was about what I wanted and not what would be completely in your best interest. You're still very young and have not really had the chance to live. Most importantly, you don't have any children." he paused after that. I decided not to say anything because something told me he wasn't finished and possibly internally battling over what he wanted to say. "That's what I was thinking. I wish I was about to give you that. Children."
"I'm confused. You said that I wouldn't have to die. That basically you're still human in a sense but how is it--why--my body will work in other ways but not that one? The question I had seemed to make sense in my head but saying it to you, it sounds like a jumbled mess of nothing. What I'm saying is, if your blood is just mutated and you never died, why can't you have kids?"
I could tell that question was something he'd contemplated himself. Possibly while he was laying here with me.
"I really don't know, Querida." Finally his eyes were opened again and he was looking at me with a somber expression. "I have never tried myself but I can say that there has never been a vampire born. Not as long as I have been one. My position and title as the oldest living vampire means I'm privy to any and all information obtained by the human government. As a condition of our unity, we're to keep each other informed and while there has been a few other vampire and human couplings, there has never been a documented case of a vampire pregnancy. I don't think it's possible but for you, I wish it were. I'm having second thoughts about what I asked of you. At least for now."
I frowned making sure I could see his entire face when I said this, "So, let me make sure I'm hearing you correctly. You're saying to me that you don't want me to turn now...but after I have children...with someone else?" When he didn't confirm it or deny that that's what he meant I moved like I was trying to get off of him and the bed, "Ok, I'll go work on that with Adam right now. Is he here?"
Nicolas gripped my hand so quickly and had me on my back with him leaning over me looking every bit of an angry vampire. "You just came dangerously close to having me murder him for something he did not do." It was weird and scary how calmly he was speaking but not enough to put fear in me. "What I meant was that maybe we should wait a little longer to see if science will evolve to suit us but," he smirked running his tongue across his teeth, "I change my mind. I need you like me so I can punish you properly for what you just did without hurting you."
"What did I just do--"
"You purposely taunted me to make me lose control...and this," his pelvis pressed into mine showing me that I am not the only one turned on by the way he just handled me. I can imagine him doing that more and using his speed to bend and twist me any way he wants. "Those thoughts are not helping the situation, Rayne." I don't care to help the situation Nicolas. I thought with a smile. What I care about is him smothering this flame beginning to burn within me even if it means it'll be back breaking, hair pulling, and all over the place. I loved when he bit me. Something about him feeding from my thigh was erotic and since then I have been reliving that scene. "You like when I feed from you? You're kinky."
I burst into almost hysterical laughter. "Way to ruin the moment Nicolas."
"You're welcome. You need to go talk to your father anyway and I can't have you thinking those things while with him. The man already wants to stake me because he thinks I deflowered you. I'm not giving him another reason to plot my death."
It wasn't wise of me to tease him like I did earlier but I can't help myself. "Aww, you scared of my Daddy? He's a mean ole wolf, isn't he?!" Just barely I could contain my laughter. His face fell, those thick dark brows of his fell over his eyes.
"Get out of this room before I take my belt off--"
"And spank me?" I stopped laughing just to wiggle my brows suggestively. He swatted me away, pointing to the door. "Fine...fine! I thought vampires were supposed to be sweet, sparkly, and fun..." I huffed pushing myself off the bed, pulled through my open bag for my hoodie and made my way out to see my father.
The amusement ended the very second my footie socks touched the flat carpet in the hall. I could joke with Nicolas and for that time forget about the seriousness of things but all too soon I had to face the music. That proposal still lingers in the air and I have to tell my father about it.
I knocked on the door lightly hoping I could go back to my room and use the excuse that he didn't answer but before I could turn and walk away, he was there.
His eyes looked worried like he'd been spending a lot of time stressing or maybe crying over my Mom still. He tried to put on a smile for me but I saw right through it. Without saying a word he stepped back allowing me enough room to step inside. His hand went into mine leading me to the sofa a little further in the room where he pulled me down with him. The longer I sit looking into eyes saddened but just like mine, the more I fall out of the happy mood Nicolas just had me in and back to the dark place full of indecisiveness, questions, and images of my mother's skull.
"I just want to hear it from you. Do you love Nicolas?" What struck me about what he was asking was not the question itself but the way he began. I nodded my head to which he repeated dropping his head. "And you believe this reincarnation thing?"
"He told you about that?" My father nodded and like him I nodded too. "Based on the visions I had and the things I couldn't possibly know, I do believe it."
"That's not why you love him though." It wasn't really a question but I gave an answer anyway.
"No. It's not."
"Then I won't stand in your way. You're grown woman. Old enough to decided who and what you want . I accept that even though when I look at you I'm imagining a little girl. Wishful thinking." His laughter met me pleasantly but still with traces of pain in it. "As long as you're happy I'm going to be. As long as this is what you want I'm behind you."
"I think I already know the answer but I'll ask anyway. Is this not what you want for me?"
It was clear on his face. The answer is no.
"What I want for you is everything I couldn't have. Marriage. Kids. A proper family and the happiness you deserve." How ironic is it that I just had this conversation with Nicolas and kids were his concern too. I took this as a chance to really comfort him. Sliding into his arms I pushed us back a little so that we were relaxed against the cushions with my legs up and draped over his. I figured I needed to prepare him somehow for this talk about me being turned as best I could.
"Those are great things to aspire for Dad, but what if all I need to be happy is you and Nicolas?"
Roger gave me a genuine smile, "I would be very proud to hear that I'm that important to you but...I'd also say that your mind could change. I wanted kids when I was with your mother but after her the idea didn't appeal to me. Now," he took a breath and cleared his throat, "she isn't here but she left me you; a bigger and better reason to be happy. I would love for you to feel for a child of your own like I feel for you but I understand that it may not be in the cards if you want to be with Nicolas."
And here's my chance. Mentally I mulled over when and where to begin this tough conversation and thankfully he did it for me.
"Yeah...that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. There is an obvious concern for my safety and debate over who will be with me and when. I mean, you and Nicolas were pretty much ready to fight over it back at my place. There is also an...uncertain but possible solution that I was proposed." My father was motioning with his hand for me to continue but somehow kept his features fixed to keep me calm. "Nicolas wants--to--turn me."
I expected him to explode. To go off like he did when he pretty much learned about Nicolas and I but he didn't do that. Instead he nodded slowly looking down for the briefest moment before reconnecting our eyes. His hand continued to move against mine in soothing circles while a small smile graced his lips. "I know, Baby. The idea to change you was mine."