A/N: I can't believe I've finally finished these Xmas chapters! They're way overdue. It's bloody April. T_T
Look, it's ben! :>
I'd like to give a massive thanks to _onceupontheend for helping me with some of this chapter :*
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Ben and I walked back home practically in silence, I was sort of glad since I didn't feel like talking all that much. I was thinking about what Zach had said and if such a friendship could kindle between the two of us, how long would it last?
Surely, we'd get sick of each other at some point. If not, I'd probably screw it all up myself because of the stupid decisions I tend to make due to my illness, I screwed my friendship with Zach once, so there's no point in assuring myself that something like that couldn't happen.
What if he decides to go university? I would barely get a chance to see him, how could a friendship last when you're barely hanging out together? I can already tell my friendship with Kyle isn't going so well now that he's got a boyfriend and moving on in life.
They really are a wonderful couple and I would never try to delay them from following their dreams because of my own issues, but I'm pretty sure I heard him say that they might move to London together.
We walked up to my driveway and saw that there were a couple pairs of wet and snowy boots on the porch, which meant Ben's parents were here already.
As soon as I opened the door, I went straight towards my room, not even taking off my coat and shoes. Ben just followed behind me and repetitively asked what in the world I was doing, but his voice just faded into the back once I pushed open my bedroom door.
My legs were just weaker and weaker the closer I got to my bed and I wanted nothing more than to just collapse on the old blue sheets - which is what I did.
I kicked my shoes off and ripped my coat off before warming my body up beneath the cover.
"Flynn, come on." Ben called, standing in the doorway and making my room colder and colder, making me wrap myself in a blanket burrito.
I just stared at him with a blank look, which seemed to be the same look I had been sporting since forever. Finally, I spotted his rucksack at the foot of the bed and peeked inside it to find all the DVD's he had bought over.
"Lion King?" I asked, holding the DVD up to show him.
"How about we watch that later, right now, we have to spend some time downstairs because I haven't told my family about your disorder and they'd figure something is up if you're being like this."
I sighed and dragged myself out of bed, and by 'dragged' I literally mean rolling to the edge of the bed, dropping my feet to the ground and forcing myself up.
I knew I was currently in one of those moods, hell, I've realised I've been like this for three days now. Maybe I should read that booklet I was given, but then again, I just really didn't want to be constantly reminded of the harsh reality. My Doctor said the booklet covers just about everything, including how bad I could get in one of my 'episodes' and how I could affect those around me.
Everything was so odd and not uniformed. For maybe a couple hours, I could be normal, but later in the day I'd feel terrible. I guess that's what my lithium is for, but it could also be because this is a new diagnosis and everything is just all over the place.
However, I'm surprised by the ratio of the different episodes. I'm just depressed for most the time and it's at a really bad time too. What a great way to spend Christmas and New Years, right?
Ben walked up to me, his hair a complete mess from the wind outside and his face pale. I raised a brow at him expectantly. Ok, I'm stood up... Now what, doofus?!
He enveloped my wrist in his warm hands and dragged me to the stairs. "You didn't have to get me a present." He said, treading down the stairs slowly and moving his hand away from my wrist to hold the banister.
"I didn't expect to, I just saw the checkered top and though 'fuck it' because you've been weirdly nice to me since I came back from uni." I shrugged, following him down the stairs.
"I didn't get you anything."
"That's okay, didn't really want anything anyway." Ok, that's a lie. Yes, I didn't want any objects or outings in particular, but I wanted somebody who could understand, like a fellow cyclothymic or bipolar person, which sounds a little weird, but I did get the next best thing- Ben. He did understand and pretty well too, so he might not believe it, but he did give me a good present and that was just himself.
Not the Ben that hated me at school, not the Ben that I force kissed, not the Ben that liked to act all hard and bold, but the Ben that was just... Himself.
"Do I really wear so many checkered shirts that it's noticeable?" He asked, seeming a little dumbfounded.
"Yup." I answered, adding in a wry chuckle.
We reached the kitchen that was filled with the hustle and bustle of dinner. Everyone but Casey and Harry were in here, scrounging to get dinner done on time, and delectable too.
"Hey Karen." I greeted as she walked right past the two of us, not even noticing we were stood here. Wow, she must be stressed.
"Hey boys, how was Zach's?"
"Flynn nearly died, but it's fine." Ben muttered before walking more into the kitchen and stealing a piece of roasted veg.
"Died?" Karen asked incredulously.
"It's a long story and it comes down to a situation that happened before you moved in here." I waved off and went to grab some pots to take to the dining room.
The table already had the crockery and cutlery set, so everyone was sitting down as soon as they grabbed some food from the kitchen and placed them down on the table.
Casey and Harry came rushing downstairs from the living room and giddily took their seats, watching the heaps of food taking up tons of room on the large table.
There was a massive array of food everywhere. I took my seat beside Ben, opposite to Casey and Harry. We dug into our food right away and I finally made my plate and drowned it in gravy.
I practically inhaled my meal and instantly regretted taking seconds, but belly was so full and even my pants felt tight, as if the belt was just going to break and the zip and button was going to burst.
Ben was eating slowly, like always and he ate super super neatly, not like me. He was probably only like that because he was at somebody else's house and not his own. I bet he eats messily, like a slob.
I had to stay at the table until everyone was full and the glorious food was just about finished since Ben's parents didn't like when food was wasted or uneaten. There was tons of turkey left, so I guess we'd be eating an abnormal amount of turkey sandwiches for days on end.
Karen motioned for me to help pick the table up and Ben caught onto this, standing up quicker than me and stacking up everyone's plates.
"There's still dessert." Dad said, "but I'll probably eat mine tomorrow."
"Me too, we might just steal some and take it home." Wendy joked at dad. They chuckled and immersed themselves into a conversation of 'stupid things our kids have done'.
Sighing, I just moved from my place and picked up a massive pot that was once filled to the brim with vegetables.
I've heard dad have tons of these conversations and obviously, they'd be all about me. The amount of times my embarrassing stories have been leaked is seriously unnerving.
Karen and I were the first in the kitchen, Ben was still picking played up and doing some sort of balancing act like waiters and waitresses do in restaurants.
"Flynn, I know I'm not your mum, but.. I really want you to open up to me. I'll try and help you in every way I can." She tried, stepping closer to me after putting the stuff she had in her hands into the sink.
"Thanks but, it's really nothing. It's over now." I answered. I didn't want to go on about my dreadful past with Liam and Naomi and all those other people I've hurt.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, concern on her face.
"Kind of.. Everywhere. It's the meds."
"Yeah, you still need to get used to them." She smiled. "That's what Ben is for, right?!"
Pfft, Ben is here for more.. At least I think he is. I mean, I'd hate to be a burden to him, which is why I asked for him to open up to me, but was Ben really just here to make sure I'm taking my meds?
"Right..." I muttered, walking right past her and to Ben, who had just walked into the kitchen with tons of crockery in his hands. He placed them all down near the sink and I grabbed his wrist and he turned around, completely shocked. "Come on."
I dragged him to the garage since every other place downstairs didn't have enough privacy.
"What?" He asked, raising a brow.
"Don't fucking lie." I said, gritted my teeth, "I asked you if Karen called you here and you said no!"
"I'm sorry." He muttered, "I really am."
"You lied." I bit, feeling a lump grow in my throat and tears welling at my eyes. I absolutely hated liars and I had always thought Ben was far from that since he was the most blunt person I knew and his lack of caring made him into the person that would tell you how it is, even if it's painful.
"At first, I was just doing what Karen said, she wanted me to make sure you're okay. She cares."
"You couldn't have told me this before?" I spat, clenching my fists and trying my best to hold back the tears. I was such a mess!
"I didn't think you needed to know, it sounds stupid, but if I told you then you'd see me in a totally different light." He sighed. I noticed he also clenched his fists and his shoulders got tense.
"That's a stupid fucking answer." Seriously, where's the logic? A different light? "I thought... You genuinely cared."
To have Ben care for an emotional wreck like me was definitely something. I liked having him around and allowing me to open up to him for anything, and I liked being there for him too. Was this entire friendship we had created fake?
I was starting to like him too! I really saw him as the kind of person that I could become friends with. He knew everything about me practically and that's just because he knew me at school because I was popular and when you're that high on the school's hierarchy, your entire life is spread all around the school.
Finally, a tear fell down my cheek. God, how could I be so stupid by thinking Ben and I could be friends? He probably knew this moment would come and he knew it would hurt me terribly. It's a creative, but twisted revenge.
"Flynn, please, don't be like this. I was just making sure you're looked after!" He argued.
"The important factor here is that you lied. I hate liars."
"Flynn, I genuinely liked being around you once we started getting to know each other." He explained. I could only think of one thing and I tried shoving it to the back of my mind.
However, my mouth thought otherwise.
"I genuinely liked being around you too but way before this," I say, making a small bubble with my hand, "I like being around you when I was at school, I liked having your attention, I liked when you'd glare at me, I fucking liked you so much I had to let go of Marcia and it hurt so fucking bad."
And there is goes, my biggest secret, ever. Known to the one person that shouldn't ever find out.
He took in a big gulp and seemed too dumbfounded to know what to say.
"D-do you still like me?" He pointed at his chest, his voice was small.
I thought over the question, I felt like I already knew the answer and he knew it too, but for me to voice it was becoming extremely difficult.
"I've started to again, just a bit." I muttered, taking a seat on top of the old treadmill we had and burying my head in my hands.
But he lied to you, Flynn!
Do you really reckon you could handle a friendship without liking him?
Do you reckon you could handle a friendship at all? It won't last.
I looked up at him again, his shoulders weren't tense anymore and his fists were unclenched, but as calm as he looked, I knew Ben was like a volcano that could erupt at any given moment. He's a lot calmer than he had been in school because he's managed to help how easily he gets fired up, but damn, whose to say it won't come back?
I wiped my tears, feeling anger rise through me again at the mention of him lying and betraying me.
"You went against my back, was forced to become friends with me and then you lied. I don't think I could ever forgive you." I spat, my voice on the verge of shouting in his face.
Is this what it's come to? People just faking to be my friend? Practically being forced into it?
He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes before opening them again, revealing a set of gorgeous green eyes, but seemingly darker and colder. They sent a shiver down my spine and the thick tension in between us could make somebody's blood run cold.
"I know what I did was terrible, and I said I'm fucking sorry, I knew you'd be upset but I really did care."
"I don't give a shit! You're just the same fucking low-life Ben I met in school. I can't believe I actually thought you changed. How did I ever think we could be friends?" I exasperated, "just leave, please."
Wordlessly, he left the cold garage and went back inside the house. His shoulders were tense once again, his fists were clenched, his entire posture was rigid and if this were a cartoon, steam would be coming from his ears.
I only came out the garage when I heard the front door slam shut and woah, it was loud.
As I walked out, I found everybody standing by the front door, just perplexed and surprised. Wendy was stood rigid beside Tasha, chattering to her about Ben's sudden mood change and how he hasn't slammed a single door in over a year.
They all turned to look at me, everyone going silent upon my recognition. I almost felt bad about everything that happened, ruining Ben's year of not slamming doors, but then Karen walked up to me.
"Flynn, honey, what's wrong? What happened?" She asked all worried and innocently, when she obviously was the one to blame for all the ruckus. I was just the only one to know, excluding Ben of course.
She walked up closer, placing her hand on my shoulder to try in an attempt to comfort me.
I was trying my best to keep my face as stoic as possible, holding in my tears as Ben's image kept replaying in my mind. It was all her fault, everything. Ben. My feelings. Everything.
"You're what's wrong!" I shouted, she stepped back a little, "you act like you care but all you've done is screw up my life. You're not my mum, you have no right to stick your nose in places where they don't belong and you certainly aren't allowed to choose my friends."
I watched her gulp and tear up, her entire face taken over by this pained expression as her entire body slumped a little, I honestly felt a little better after letting it all off my chest.
I just shoved past everyone and ran upstairs, dad was hot on my tail alongside Karen. She never quits, does she?
I finally got upstairs and shut my bedroom door in their faces just in the nick of time. It was one of those moments I felt glad that Karen and Dad were getting too old to run quick enough, if at all. My photo frames and ornaments on the walls shook upon the harsh impact of the door slam and everything almost fell. She was last person I wanted to see, so the fact she was crying her shouts outside my bedroom door made me wonder if she understood how wrong it was for her to give tips to Ben to help me.
I could just chuckle at myself at why I hadn't taken action sooner. I knew Ben couldn't have figured out I had cyclothymia and not bipolar on his own. He was a genius, but he had only seen one of my episodes and my illness is pretty rare, at least that's what I've heard.
I could tell that my blood was boiling and anger was consuming my body, but I couldn't help it. He betrayed me and it was all her fault.
It was her fault that his apologies kept playing over again in my head, constantly repeating itself, as well as everything else that's just happened. Our entire 'friendship' played over in my head, and all I could do was throw stuff and cry, and then throw more stuff; I threw everything: his cd, his rucksack, my phone. I threw everything until my body ran out of energy, and then I climbed into bed, my tears soaking my pillows.
I heard a thump as I turned over in my bed and moved over to the edge of the bed to see what it was, much to my chagrin, it was my booklet on my illness that informs me of everything, however, through my blurry vision, I noticed this booklet looked read which was weird because I haven't read my booklet.
Just to check, I reached over to my bedside table and opened the drawer, I found it difficult to see with all the tears spewing from my eyes but I did see that my booklet was still in there, perfectly intact and not read at all. The booklet on the floor must belong to Ben.
Groaning, I stuffed my face in my pillow and covered my duvet up to my ears, trying to drown out the chitter chatter downstairs and the brash knocking on my door.
If Ben cared so fucking much, then he would've told me.
Instead he lied.
He faked the idea that we could get along right from the start.
He backstabbed me.
He pretended to understand something he couldn't possibly wrap his brain around.
And finally, hurt me just as bad as Marcia once did.
God. I am such a fool.