( THE FRENCH MISTAKE )
BOBBY'S HOUSE
[ ☼ ]
"Where's Bobby?" Sam asks.
"In town, supply run." Dean says.
"In this?" Sam gestures to the bad weather.
"Yeah, man's a hero. We were officially out of hunter's helper." Dean gestures at his empty liquor bottle.
"Hello, boys. Elena." Balthazar appears. "You've seen 'the Godfather', right?"
"Balthazar..." Dean starts.
"You know, the end, where Michael Corleone sends his men to kill his enemies in one big, bloody swoop?" Bathazar finds a container of salt and pours it into a bowl on Bobby's desk.
"Hey!" Elena yells.
"Dead sea brine'. Good, good, good." Balthazar says. "You know, Moe Greene gets it in the eye, and Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door?"
"I said "hey." Elena says.
"You did. Twice. Good for you. Blood of lamb. Blood of lamb." Balthazar looks through Bobby's fridge contents. "Beer, cold pizza. Blood of lamb. Yes! Blood of lamb!"
"Why are you talking about 'the Godfather'?" Asks Sam.
"Because we're in it—right now, tonight. And in the role of Michael Corleone—The archangel Raphael."
"You mind telling us what you mean?" Dean asks.
"No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no." Balthazar empties the contents of Bobby's desk drawer. "Yes. Bone of a lesser saint. This vertebra will do very nicely. Your Mr. Singer does keep a beautiful pantry."
"Wait, Raphael is after you?" Dean asks.
"Raphael is after us all. You see, he's consolidated his strength. And now he's on the move."
"And where's Cas?" Sam asks.
"Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground." Says Balthazar. "So, good old Raffy put out a hit list on every last Samaritan who helped our dear Cas—Including both of you. And so much more importantly, me. See, he wants to draw Cas out in the open."
"And you expect us to just believe you?" Elena asks.
"Oh, don't. You'll go where I throw you either way."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean asks as lightning flashes.
"That's all the time we have, gentlemen and last. "Balthazar opens his jacket revealing a bloodstain on his side. "Where is it?"
"Whoa. What happened there?" Dean asks.
"Oh. Garish, I know. You see, uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me. I'm flattered, actually. And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right." Balthazar hands Sam keys. "Oh, here's for you."
"What am I supposed to do with this?." Sam asks.
"Run with it." Balthazar is thrown across the room as an angel, Virgil appears. "Virgil." He turns to Sam, Elena and Dean. "I said, run!" He pushes them through the window which is marked with a blood sigil.
Sam, Elena and Dean crash through Bobby's window and land on a mattress on a tv show set. "Cut!" Robert Singer yells.
A Crewmember pats Dean on the rear. "Real good solid fall. Way to go." He says.
"Jared, Nina, Jensen! Outstanding! That was just great." Robert says.
"'Supernatural', scene one echo, take one. Tail slate. Marker!"
SUPERNATURAL
"So...No angels?" Sam asks.
"No angels, I think." Dean says.
"But that was great!" Robert yells.
"It's not a problem with the stunt. It's a problem with the...signal." Serge says.
"Should we be killing anybody?" Asks Elena.
"Interference." Says Serge.
"I don't think so." Dean says.
"Well, how much did we get?"
"Running?" Sam asks.
"About half." Kevin says.
"Where?" Dean asks.
"Gets us right up to where they—Just before they hit the window." Says Kevin.
"You know, the part where they hit the window is the good part." Robert says.
"Well, we can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically." Kevin says. "So, we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the impala and talk about their feelings." Sam picks up a piece of the 'window' which wobbles back and forth, clearly made of some kind of gel.
"Ha. Right. You answer the hate mail." Robert says.
"Or we could have them fly at the window, then freeze frame. Then cut to black, act out." Kevin says.
"Freeze frame."
"Um...Yeah. Freeze frame." Kevin says.
"Serviceable." Serge says.
"Fine. Whatever. Season six. Moving on." Robert says.
"Moving on! That's a wrap on Jared, Nina and Jensen!"
"W-who the hell are—" Sam starts.
An Interviewer runs up to Sam. "Jared! Three minutes, okay? Great." She takes Sam by the hand and leads him away.
"Where are we going?" Dean asks.
"Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair." A girl says.
"'Chair'?" Dean repeats.
"Okay, hon, we're just gonna get this makeup off your face."
"Wha—I'm not wearing any ma—" Dean looks at the cloth the makeup artist has just wiped over his face to find it covered in foundation. "Oh, crap! I'm a painted whore!"
Another woman grabs Elena's arm and leads her to a large room with clothes. "Nina, I was wanting to get your opinion on something that Elena would wear." She says.
"Suuuure." Elena says slowly. "How about...that green army jacket with and black shirt and jeans?"
The Woman smiles. "That's a great idea! Thank you." She says.
"You're welcome." Elena says and begins walking away.
"Oh and Ian wanted me to remind you that you have a dinner date before his charity dinner with Genevieve tonight."
"Ian...?" Elena starts.
"Ian Somerhalder? Your boyfriend?" The Stylist says and walks away.
Meanwhile, Sam is sitting down with the reporter. "Trish Evian here with Jared Padalecki from tv's 'Supernatural', So, Jared, season six." She says.
Sam is looking over his shoulder into the set of the panic room and turns back in confusion. "What?" He asks.
"You beat the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again. So tell us, what's next for Sam Winchester?" Trust asks.
"Look, I-I-I really don't—" Sam starts.
"Oh, and if you could include the question in your answer? Thanks." Trust says and Sam laughs nervously.
Later, Dean meets up with Sam and Elena. "Hey." Sam says.
"Dude, they put freakin' makeup on us! Those bastards!" Dean yells.
"Look, I think I know what this is." Sam says.
"Okay. What?" Dean asks.
"It's a tv show."
"You think?" Dean asks.
"Yeah. I mean, here—wherever "here" is, this—this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into." Sam says. "For whatever reason, our life is a tv show."
"Why?" Elena asks.
"I don't know."
"No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?" Dean asks.
"Well, I mean, according to that interviewer, not very many people do." Sam says. "Look, I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying, we—we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and Elena is Nina Dobrev and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki."
"So what, now you're polish? Is any of this making any sense to you?" Dean asks.
Ian is seen walking sneakily behind Elena with a bouquet of flowers. "Uh..." Sam starts before Ian wraps his arms around Elena's waist and kisses her. Elena is surprised at first, but when she sees how gorgeous he was, she couldn't help but kiss back. Dean and Sam give her a 'really?' look and she just shrugs.
"Ian...what are you doing here?" Elena asks.
Ian smiles and hands her the roses. "I just wanted to surprise you at work. Am I interrupting something?" He asks.
"No, we just finished filming, but I'll call you later, okay?" Elena says.
"Alright babe." Ian kisses her and walks away.
"Well okay then." Dean says. They exit the studio and see the Impala. "Oh, hey. Least my baby made it." A crewmember starts flinging mud onto the windshield. "Hey. Hey! What—" Dean sees 3 more Impalas. "I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick. I want to go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me."
"Yeah, I know. Me too. So, what do you think? Cas?" Sam asks.
"He's our best shot, if he's still alive." Dean says. "Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So... Breaker breaker..." They spot Castiel a short distance away.
"Cas? Cas! Hey, Cas! Oh, thank god." Elena says. "What is all this, huh? W-w-what did Balthazar do to us?"
"To keep you out of virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others." Misha says.
"Like—like bizarro earth, right? Except instead of having Bizarro superman, we get this clown factory." Dean says.
"Um...Yeah, well...Anyway, no time to explain. Do you have the key?"
"Yeah." Sam hands Misha the key. "So, uh, what does this thing do, anyway?"
"It opens a room." Misha says.
"What's in the room?" Dean asks.
"Every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven." Misha says.
"He gave it to us?" Elena asks.
"To keep it safe until I could reach you. With those weapons, I have a chance to rally my forces."
"Oh. Okay, good. Yeah." Sam says. "So, now, uh, what's the deal with all this tv crap?"
"Pardon?" Asks Misha.
"Yeah. Amen, Padaleski." Dean says.
"Uh, "lecki." Sam corrects.
"What?"
"Lecki. Pretty sure."
"Man." Misha pulls out his script. "Did they put out new pages?"
"New what?" Dean asks.
"I mean, is this some kind of cosmic joke?" Sam asks.
"Yeah, 'cause if it is, it's stupid, and we don't get it." Elena says.
"Yeah."
"Are you guys okay?" Misha asks.
Dean grabs the script from Misha. "Give me that. What is—these are words in a script. This isn't Cas." He says.
"Dude, look at him." Sam says.
Misha unbuttons his shirt to reveal a patterned new age t-shirt underneath. "You guys want to run lines, or...?" He asks.
"His name's Misha." Dean looks at him. "Misha?"
"Oh, wow. Just...Great." Sam hands the script back to Misha.
"Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here?" Dean asks.
"You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally gonna tweet this one." Misha pulls out his phone and starts typing. "'Hola, mishamigos. J-squared... Got me good."
"I just want to dig my finger in my brain and scratch until we're back in Kansas." Dean says.
"Really...Starting to feel... Like one of the guys."
Dean, Elena and Sam walk by a giant trailer. "Hey. 'J. Ackles'." Sam says.
"That's fake me!" Dean yells.
"Yeah." Elena says.
"This must be fake mine." Dean says as they enter the trailer. Dean takes a look around. "Dude, I have a helicopter!"
TRAILER
[ ☼ ]
"Oh. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?" Sam asks.
"Apparently, Jensen Ackles." Elena says.
"Huh." Sam spots a laptop. "All right, here we go. Let's see who this guy is."
"Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on tv." Dean gestures to the large tv at the back of the trailer that's playing the season 4 gag reel. "Oh." He picks up a magazine with Jared and Jensen on the cover. "Come on. Look at these male-modelin' sons of bitches. Nice "blue steel,"Sam."
"Hey. Apparently, it's our job. All right, uh, here goes." Sam says. "Um...It says you're from Texas."
"Really?" Asks Dean.
"Yeah. And, uh...Oh. Says you were on a soap opera." Sam says.
"What?" Dean asks. They watch a clip of Jensen on Days of our Lives
"If I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married, and I had plenty of money... Would you—would you want to run away with me?"
"Money? What, you think I really care about money, Nicole? I care that you're healthy."
"Well, I'm no quitter, Eric. I-I—"
Dean slams the laptop shut. "Don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of this universe." He says.
"Yeah. No argument here. But I don't think our—our prayers are reaching Cas. Or the real Cas." Elena says.
"Well, I agree. I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range. But..." Dean starts.
"What?" Sam asks.
"If we can reverse Balthazar's spell... I watched every move." Dean sketches out the sigil. "We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that Same window, and...There's no place like home."
SUPERNATURAL SET
[ ☼ ]
"Backbone of a lesser saint." Sam pulls the bone out of Bobby's drawer. "Got it. Uh..." He pokes at the bone and realizes it is fake. "It's rubber."
"Check this out." Dean holds up a prop dagger and bends the blade back and forwards. "Hey, look. It's fake." Dean jabs the fake dagger at Sam's chest. "It's all fake!"
Robert watches through the window of the set. "Well, at least they're talking to each other." He says.
"What are we supposed to do with this crap?" Dean asks.
BACKLOT
[ ☼ ]
"Course everything is fake. We're on a film set." Sam says as they approach one of the Impalas. "We got to get back to the real world."
"Yeah, now you're talking." Dean says as they get in the Impala and start driving. "All right, we go round up the genuine articles, bring 'em here for the spell. What the hell is going on? What is wrong with this thing?"
A Crewmember runs alongside Impala, knocking on the window. "Mr. Ackles! Mr. Ackles, please!" He yells.
"Uh, Dean?" Elena says and points.
"God, Mr. Ackles, please!"
"Dean, it's not the impala." Sam says.
"Please! Stop."
"You think?" Dean says.
"Please!" The Crewmember says.
"It's a frigging prop! Just like everything else." Dean says and they stop and exit the Impala.
"Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for..."
"How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?" Dean asks.
CAR
[ ☼ ]
"You know whereabouts you want me to drop you off? Jensen?" Cliff asks.
"Me? Yes. Um...I—I'll just tag along with, uh..." Dean starts.
"Jared." Sam says.
"Jared...Jared here."
"Huh. Since when are you guys talking?" Clif asks.
"Yeah, uh, y-you know what, Clint, uh..." Sam starts.
"Uh, uh, Clif."
"Y-yeah. Yeah, of course. Clif. Obviously. Um, so, uh, I think we're gonna go back to my place a-and do some...work."
"Work on our acting." Dean says.
"Yeah."
"For our characters. For the show." Elena says.
"Yeah." Sam says.
"All right." Clif says.
"Where the hell are we, anyway?" Dean sees a Welcome to Vancouver sign. "Dude, we're not even in America."