After Mel’s story, I was fuming. But it was not out of anger, it was out of frustration. Mel doesn’t totally understand it, but when I get too frustrated to think straight, I check my pulse. It makes me focus, reminds me that I am still alive and that there are still things that I can control, like my heartbeat. After slowing it down to a reasonable rate, my clouded brain starts to clear. It is my own personal therapy session, and it is free.
How do you know when you are in love? That was a question that I have never been able to find the answer to. Is it a feeling? Is it just sudden knowledge? Well, I still do not have the answer. However, somehow I know that I am in love. Is that possible?
When I saw Mel for the first time, I knew that I was physically attracted to her. Somewhere along the way, those feelings changed into something else, something different. While I don’t know how to describe love, I know that I am in it. It wasn't a sudden thing, it was gradual. But then one day, I looked at Mel and the only thing that I could think was, "I am in love with that girl."
"Doc, have you ever been in love?"
With a small, almost sad, nod of his head he replied, "Yes. I have been in love. Why do you ask?"
Putting my reasoning in to words was suddenly becoming difficult. I knew what I wanted to say, but my tongue and brain seemed to be acting on two different frequencies. "It's just...well...I can't describe it or explain it and well, how do you prove that you are in love with someone if you can't describe the feeling?"
The suddenly wide-eyed therapist was trying to strings words together, but seemingly failed each time. I guess he can't describe it either. Can anyone describe love?
"Jake, I don't think that love is something that you can really describe. I mean if you could, people would stop writing love songs. The reason that people keep writing those songs is because they are trying to describe this feeling that is indescribable." The therapist’s point seemed like it should make sense, and yet, it didn’t.
Love songs were one of those things that I have never seemed to understand. It always feels like they are describing something that was so cheesy and predictable.
I love you like a love song baby...what does that even mean? Does it mean that you love them like you love a song? Or is it that you love them the way a song describes love?
Love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles and, even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, now you don't wanna reduce it at all cause if the rape rate declines you'll see in equal decline in whistle sales. Without rapists whose gonna buy you whistles? Love is all about whistles...that one just disturbs me. I don't even know how to comment on that one or how it appeared in my head. Maybe it is a good thing that I am in therapy.
L is for the way you look at me. O is for the only one I see. V is very, very extraordinary. E is even more than anyone that you adore…I guess that all of those things are true, but they also seem like what everyone seems to think love should be. Is it wrong that I don’t love Mel because of the way she looks at me? Then again, I can’t really expect a song to explain our relationship because our relationship isn’t typical. It never has been and it never will be.
"I knew from the beginning of our relationship that Mel did not want to get married. It wasn't in 'her plan'. But, after I realized that I was in love with her, I knew that I had to find a way to spend the rest of my life with her."
Marriage was always something that I planned as a part of my future. I didn't see myself without a wife and kids. That was what I wanted. But what if the person you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn't see it the same way? Do you try to change them? Do you let them change you?
"Proposing to Mel wasn't a spur of the moment thing, but it also wasn’t what I had planned on doing." I took Mel to the docks that night but a proposal was the last thing on my mind. I knew that marriage wasn't in the cards for us. That night I was going to tell Mel that I was in love with her. That was the plan. But somehow instead of saying, "I love you," it came out, "Will you marry me?"
"I swear all I wanted to do was tell her that I was in love but the words came out wrong. Not that I didn't want to marry Mel, I just knew that she would never agree, so I was postponing that question. But as soon as I said it, I didn't regret it because I meant it."
This was perhaps the perfect example of a Freudian Slip. Where you say something that wasn't what you planned on saying, but is something that you mean with your whole heart. My subconscious seemingly took over that conversation. As happy as I was that the knowledge was out there, Mel's face told me that happiness was not the emotion that she was feeling.
“When Mel shook her head and said that she couldn’t marry me, my world kind of stopped. We went our separate ways that night. I didn’t know what the future held for us, but I knew that this couldn’t be the end.”
I spent the whole night pacing our apartment. She had chosen to sleep at a friend’s house, and the whole place just felt empty without her there. Contemplating every possible angle, I determined that I would take back the proposal, if she was willing to stay with me. A ring and a legal document were not nearly as important to me as Mel was. Of course my feeling were hurt, and my heart ached more than I thought was possible, but I knew it wasn’t the end. When I looked into her eyes, I didn’t see hate or resentment. I had seen scheming and sadness. How those things go together is beyond me, but it seems to be a common emotion with Mel.
“Since we weren’t together that night, I had no idea what Mel was planning. When I got a text before the sun had risen, I knew that it was Mel right away. And when she asked me to meet her at Starbucks, I agreed happily.”
“That is because you are more of a coffee addict than I am,” Mel cut in with huff and a giggle. It is true; I have a serious coffee problem. But if coffee is the worst addiction in my life, I think I’m doing okay.
“No, I went so that I could see you. And I needed coffee from my lack of sleep beucause I was worrying about you. Now stop interrupting my story time babe.” Mel rolled her eyes and I sent a quick wink that direction. For some reason, that girl just loves it when I wink. Weird, right?
“After ordering a mocha Frappuccino with half white chocolate and half regular, and some java chips for her, and a triple venti non-fat, extra hot, stirred, no-foam hazelnut macchiato, with whipped cream and extra caramel driz-“
“He doesn’t care about your crazy Starbucks order Jake. Not everyone orders their drinks like they would order a car.”
“Order a car? How exactly does one ‘order’ a car?” I said laughing, even the therapist was trying to hold back confused laughter. I had to mess with her. I knew what she was trying to say but when she gets feisty, it turns me on in some strange way. Hence, the reason I push her buttons a little extra sometimes.
“You know what I mean you jerk. Don’t be an ass because I couldn’t think of a better word.” She was trying so hard not to laugh at me, but was failing miserably. That smile just kept trying to make an appearance, even though she was biting down on her lip to stop it, it didn’t work.
“Your wish is my command,” I said with a slight bow of the head. “So, after sitting down with the coffee, she set in front of me the largest stack of paperwork that I had ever seen. On the front it said, “Marriage Terms and Conditions” and I was so confused that she had to explain that it was a contract that outlined her terms and conditions for accepting my proposal of marriage.”
That thing was intricate too. It laid out that she would accept that feeling that I had for her and I had to accept those she felt for me. Other ‘terms and conditions’ included:
Marriage is to be a lifetime commitment and unless in the case of infidelity or abuse, divorce is not an acceptable ending to such a union. By agreeing to this contract, both parties must agree to such terms.
Physical intimacy must occur between parties a minimum of three times per week. In the case of absence, due to an emergency, work, or bodily injury, the days missed must be made up. For example, if one party has a conference that will last for one week, over the next two weeks, the parties must make up the missed interactions.
One benefit of marriage is the presence of the partner at family, social, and work gatherings. When asked by the other party to accompany them to such events, there must be acceptance and minimal complaining. Chances are the other party doesn’t want to go to it either.
Physical health is important in any sort of relationship. Both parties must stay in good physical shape. This does not include illness or non-preventable disease. Before entering the marriage, both parties must be fully tested for any sexually transmitted diseases, as well as have a thorough exam by a licensed health care professional.
“I have to be honest Doc, the sex rules were my favorite. I mean what guy wouldn’t want to be told that he has to have sex with a beautiful woman? She was very specific on the things this marriage would include and would not include. We had to maintain a healthy sex life, go to family and work events without argument, and even stay in good shape according to her contract.”
The more I read, the more I understood what Mel wanted. She wanted us to be together, but she needed to have the peace of mind that a legal document could bring. I knew that I was going to sign it as soon as I figured out that by doing so, I would get to marry her.
“I read the whole document, signed my name next to where she had already signed hers, and got down on one knee. If our marriage was going to be based off of a contract, I would be damned if she didn’t at least get a proposal. Well, another proposal.”
Getting down on one knee and not knowing what on earth to say other than, “Will you marry me?” I proposed to the most beautiful girl in the world. After blushing fifty shades of red, Mel agreed, and like that I was engaged to the woman of my dreams. At Starbucks.
“Like Mel said, we got married a couple of weeks later, but really that was just a formality. We had our contract and we were together for better or for worse. Doc, that is why we keep telling you that we have to make this work; that divorce is not an option. It really is not an option for us. We want to be together, the contract says that we have to be together, but we are still just humans, and we need a hell of a lot of help.”
Concluding my story, I looked over at Mel who gave me a lopsided smile. This is the part where we seem to loose people, especially marriage counselors. They think that a marriage based off of a contract is crazy, but it really just works for us. We know what we want and what we don’t want in our relationship. Most therapists leave at this point in our story, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the man looking back at me was any different.