It was now time to tell Manda the full truth that I was a neurosynth. I dreaded this moment, but the neurosynth team probably already thought she knew anyway, and I had little reason to delay. I was also under pressure to finally be truthful to my girlfriend. The problem was that Manda did not know anything in the slightest and this could not last. This situation was all my fault, but I had kept delaying because I was scared she would reject me. Rejection might mean she would leave me and go to Rick. That would devastate me. I cared far more for her than the neurosynth project. She was that important, but I had to tell her now and roll the dice. I could not live a "lie" anymore.
I decided the best way to tell her was to ride home with her on the bus after school, and get off at her stop. I would then just spend a private moment with her at her house, somehow, and let her know.
When the day finally arrived for me to do it I told her so on the bus. I found her wearing jean shorts and a white sleeveless character T-shirt with a picture of a Lego man on it. She looked kinda geeky that day, but God she was gorgeous. The bus was really noisy that day making it harder for me. Kids were getting excited as the school year was nearing the end and finals were about to start. I told her I wanted to tell her something that was important and I wanted to do it at her house. This whole discussion made me nervous and she could tell something was up.
"Manda, I need to tell you something really important today, okay? I want to do it at your house after school so I plan to ride home with you on the bus, okay?", I said looking at her, but having some trouble making eye contact with her.
"Is there something wrong? Does that have anything to do with the death of your mom?", she asked. "Your not breaking up with me again?"
"No, Manda, I am not breaking up with you, but you need to know some things that I have never told you about myself."
For the longest time Manda did not say anything and we sat in silence. Then she finally spoke softly.
"Is this related to those awful things you said about yourself when you tried to break up with me?"
"Kinda. I love you with all my heart, Manda, but you need to know things about me. I don't think its right to keep secrets from you, but I'm not breaking up with you."
"You have been keeping secrets from me about yourself?", she asked looking into my eyes.
My eyes began to tear up a bit and she noticed and looked a bit surprised. Here was this huge guy that looked like he was about to cry.
"Yeah, but I love you so this is hard for me."
"Your going to tell me bad stuff?"
"Its things I learned about myself since losing my memory. Remember when I first met you I did not know much about myself because I had this climbing accident and lost my memory? That climbing accident story that my parents gave me turned out to be not true. Now I know what happened to me. I guess some of it is bad, but some people might not think of it as bad. I just don't know what you might think of it. Most of it you will find hard to believe. I just can't keep it from you anymore, that's all."
"Cole you are sounding really strange."
"Oh yeah, its really strange. I will give you that," I said and gave her a half smile. She looked me in the eyes with a puzzled look and a little bit of a smile.
"Oh, I guess, okay. Maybe you can have supper at my house too." Manda finally said, but she looked a little worried too.
"Maybe.... if you'll still want me after I tell you."
She did not say anything in return for my last statement, which made me worry even more, but she did turn her face and give me an odd look. I was sure I made her worried too.
The day at school dragged on. I did not pay much attention to what the teachers were saying. Even my biology teacher noticed I was distracted and Amy several times tried to start conversations with me at my lab pod but honestly I was not really noticing her either. It was as if I was not there. Eventually Amy gave up. I did eventually tell her I was sorry at the end of class. She probably eventually dismissed my mood as something to do with my mom's death.
All day long I kept watching the time. I was happy to see the end of school finally happen but became even more nervous too. When I climbed on the bus I noticed Manda was already in her seat. She was looking right at me as I climbed in the front of the bus and while I walked over to sit next to her. I looked at her and our eyes locked for a little bit but I could tell she was now as nervous as I was. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it, but we did not say anything. I swallowed hard.
When we finally got to her bus stop I stepped out of the seat and let her off the bus first. For a moment we stood there on the curb and just waited while the bus droned off in the distance. Manda was looking at the ground.
"Manda, I need a place where we can just sit and talk. I...I am really nervous about talking to you about this stuff, but it has to be done. I...really don't know what your reaction to it will be, but I have to get this off my chest."
"Cole, we have a small garden swing in the back yard but I think my parents might see us there....Umm maybe we should just find a place to sit on the curb or under a tree or something."
"Umm, well, I think you have a garden shed for your lawn tractor. Can we sit on the grass behind it so nobody can see us?"
"Yeah, sure."
So, at this point, we simply walked around the side of Manda's house and made a beeline to the back of her garden shed and sat down, putting our books to the side on the grass. For a while I just sat there trying to get the courage to talk. I could hear chameleons scurrying in the bushes and a few bees were buzzing around.
"Manda, what I am about to tell you is kinda complicated and you will find it hard to believe, but it is all true. It is also extremely private and you need to promise me you will keep it a secret. Can you trust me and do that for me so I can tell you?"
"Sure, Cole, I owe you that. I owe you my life. Just go ahead. I will deal with whatever it is."
"Ummm, Manda, I love you with all my heart, .....but I am not like a regular person. I am a neurosynth. I am the only one in the World right now. My mom was one too, but as you know she recently died."
"A neurosynth? What is that?," she asked. "Is that some kind of religion or culture?"
"Ummm, No......I am trying to say this in a way that will not freak you out. I guess one way to think of me is I am like a person that has had a heart transplant. You have heard of those? They are not so uncommon anymore. One of your neighbors might even have that," I said.
"Yeah."
"Well, in my case I had a half brain transplant," I said.
She just stared at me for the longest time. We listened to the bees and chameleons.
"Uhhh, Cole, does it hurt? I mean does your head hurt?", she eventually said.
I looked at her and smiled. I thought it was funny that that was the first reaction that came into her pretty head.
"It did at first, but it is fine now..... Manda, I don't think you get it. It was a brain transplant. Don't you see all that that means?"
She seemed unsure, finally she spoke.
"Did you have something wrong with your head like a heart transplant person has something wrong with their heart?", she asked.
"Not exactly, but it was done for the purpose of extending my life," I said.
"Were you going to die?"
"Yes, I suppose so. We all die eventually, but you miss the main point. I have half of the mind of another person in my body. Don't you see? The guy that loves you here and is talking to you is really made up of two people that existed before I had the transplant. Ummm and that is why I had no memory of my life before the accident. My mind got messed up for a while, but now most of it has come back. Manda, there was no rock climbing accident. I was born and became Cole when I was assembled from two separate people...... And as I began to heal, the memories of both of the persons that I was assembled from have come back. The person you know as Cole is made up of new memories I have had with you, but I also have the memories of the two separate persons that came before I met you."
"I have never heard of such a thing........ This is really creepy, Cole. I guess it's kinda scary. How can you think like....with two people....with two people in your head. That's weird. Which one is you, the one that I know?" she asked.
"It is creepy, Manda. I am sorry. But I...I love you. I tried to break up from you to protect you from this, but that almost killed you, and I have decided I don't want to break up from you anymore. I am hoping you will accept me the way I am. I am a living, healthy human being."
There was more silence as I could sense Manda was thinking about what I said. I started pulling at the grass and twisting twigs. I was so nervous. I needed her to say something. Eventually she spoke.
"That's why you said you were a Frankenstein? You said that because you are made up of more than one person's body?"
"Mmmm, yeah, but heart transplant people are like that too, so I hope it is okay for you.....I am still Cole. You can forget about the people I am made up of. I have always been an assimilation or composite of all the memories and feelings that are in me. The new person that was created is Cole and I care about you more than life itself. I know that now."
Manda was quiet.
"Do you think you can love somebody like me?," I eventually asked, feeling more worried than ever.
Maybe Manda was thinking about Rick and could not wait to get out of talking to me anymore. Maybe she was thinking 'Cole was a creep'. Maybe if she dumped me that would be for the best. I did not want to hurt her.
More buzzing bees and no response. Eventually she spoke again.
"I do love you. I mean I think I do, but who am I loving? There are two people there?", she asked.
"No, its just one person now, it's Cole. It's the Cole you know," I said.
"But who are, or who were the other people? Do I love them too?", she asked.
"No, Manda. Its just me. To be honest, Manda, I don't really know if they are presenting themselves to you, ....like when we kiss.... I like to think you are kissing Cole and not those other two. I mean, I think it has to be that way, but I admit I am not 100% sure. But the person that you know as me is not changing, really, it is the guy you have been with from the beginning."
"Not exactly. You now talk like your from Boston or something."
"Yeah, you got me there. But that is just my voice. My feelings for you are the same as always."
Manda had a frown on her face. My heart sunk.
"I don't know if I should kiss you. I mean I love you, I think, but I feel a bit uncomfortable. I don't know those two people you are made of," she said.
"Those two people are in me. They are part of me. They are what helps define me. They are a big part of Cole. They are Cole. Cole is who you know."
At this point I felt like I was begging, and I was vulnerable emotionally. I was totally at her mercy. I needed her to accept me, somehow.
"Please, Manda. I...I need you."
"Cole, erhhh, umm, I have not heard of anything like this in the news. Are you making this up? Is this a joke to play on a stupid girlfriend and then Kimmie or someone is going to jump out of the bushes and make fun of how stupid I am?"
At this point I developed a frown on my face.
"Do I look like I am making this up?", I asked.
Manda looked me in the eyes and could easily see how shaken I was and the fact there were tears in my eyes and my eyes were a bit red. I was also actually shaking with nervousness."
"No, I believe you. It is just so unbelievable. So what does this mean for us?"
"Manda, there is much more you need to know about this, but it's not fair to tell you everything at once. It has huge implications for us."
"Why?"
"It has implications for our relationship. It has implications for our life, assuming we are still together. Do you want to stick with me?"
"Cole, you saved my life three times. I told you I belong to you, so I guess I will stick with you, but I don't know what kind of life that is or what might happen. I don't know what my parents will say."
"You can't tell your parents. You have to promise me that. You can't tell anyone. This is a very very sensitive secret I just told you."
"Why?"
"Because the World does not know anything about it. They don't think that a brain transplant is even possible and it would be best if it were to stay that way."
"Why?"
"Because there are tremendous implications. It could affect people's lives in avoiding disease or life extension. There are also other side effects I will tell you about some day......I am surprised you have not asked me about the two people that I was assembled from."
"I probably should have asked you but I am kinda in a state of shock and did not think of it. Is it something scary to know about?"
"Kinda, but maybe not. It depends how you look at it."
"Oh"
Manda had a very troubled look on her face. Maybe I was taking her to far and too fast with this.
"Can I have a hug first before I tell you. You may never want to hug me again after I tell you," I said and looked her in the eyes. Her eyebrows went up. She was very uncomfortable now with this whole thing. I could easily tell.
I reached out my arms to hug her. She seemed to hesitate.
"Don't worry, I am still the same Cole."
I pulled her into my arms. At first she was a little stiff but eventually she melted into my arms.
"You feel like the same Cole," she said.
"I am the same Cole."
I pulled apart and then looked her into her eyes. My eyes were a little watery.
"Manda, I am the same Cole. I am just explaining myself, but I really am the same person that you have always known."
"Except for the accent!"
"Well, yeah, I guess," I forced a chuckle. "Manda, I am made up of two very different people. One is very young and not so nice and the other is quite old and wise but very nice."
"Old?"
"Yes, quite old, 72 years old to be exact."
"Oh, that's creepy."
"Ummm, yeah, I guess it is but he is very nice and caring. He has saved many lives. There is a lot of love in him. Somehow he left a message for me once to let me know that it is not him that is in love with you but me, Cole because he was worried about you. I don't know what that means but that made me feel better. I want you to feel it is Cole that loves you and not these other two I am made of."
"Oh"
"And I would like you to not think of them as 'other two', its really just me. The 'other two' are fading away anyway."
"This is really weird, Cole, I don't know what I am feeling now. Part of me feels like I don't know you anymore."
"But you do know me. I am the guy you have always known, good and bad. Nothing has changed."
"Who is the other guy you are made of?"
"The other guy is the bad guy or bad boy as your friends might say."
"But you have always been a good boy as far as I know. You are very straight. I have never seen you do anything naughty while most teens do. I guess I am the miss goody-goody two-shoes, but most girls are kinda naughty I think to some extent, even if it's just a little."
"Manda, you are a little naughty."
"What are you saying?', she said and for the first time with her gorgeous smile.
"Those micro-bikini's you hide in your purse and wear at the beach that your parents would not approve of, and of course our Adam and Eve dates where you wear nothing at all. That's naughty."
"Oh yeah, I forgot," she said and smiled. "I guess you are a little naughty too. Plus you punched those guys from the football team and slammed Rick."
"I was protecting you. If that was naughty, then I will do that all day."
"Yeah, but you were mean to Rick."
I wished she had not said that. This meant Rick was still prominently on her mind.
"The body that you see was from the bad boy. The operation saved him and made him a good boy. I guess you could say that there was a bad part of his brain that needed to be repaired and the operation removed that part and replaced it with the part from the nice old guy's brain. The bad boy was repaired."
"That's weird too, Cole"
Manda just looked at the grass and then to me with a half smile and then back to the grass.
"What are you thinking, Manda?"
"Cole, this is all kind of creepy. I mean I really love you, but I am not sure who you really are."
"Manda, I am what you see and feel. It is still me, I just was born a different way. I love you with all my heart..."
"Yeah, but which part of you loves me? That's what I don't get."
"Manda, I don't really know, but I do know that the whole of me loves you. Besides, you are not so different than me. You have two people inside you too."
"No way!"
"Yes you do. I know enough about brains to know that is true, but you were born that way and not assembled. Everybody has two people inside of them because everybody has two halves of a brain and each half has a different personality. That is what researcher's believe. There is one person in the right brain and another person in the left brain and the two work together to make what you see as a person. I am the same way except that the two brain halves were manually assembled rather than being born that way. That is really the only difference."
I was just quiet and looked at the ground and I could feel her next to me.
"I know you saved my life all those times. I guess that means all the pieces of you cared about me."
I looked at her. I could see she was struggling with this idea, but she still cared for me.
"Manda, I want you to think about what I told you and then lets talk about it some more after you have thought about it. I know it's hard for you to accept. I have had nearly a year to accept it and I have had trouble accepting it as I learned about it, but I am okay with it now. I knew nothing about this when I first met you and even for a while after that."
"What made you discover it?"
"It was kinda by accident. When I saved you at the party the police took my fingerprints and then eventually the fingerprints were tied to the bad boy part of me. I did not understand it and my dad told me."
"So, your dad told you.....And you said your mom was one of these neurosynches?"
"Neurosynth. Yes she was. She was the only other one."
Manda looked more puzzled than ever.
"Did she die because she was a neurosynth?"
"It's kinda complicated, but it may have contributed to it I'm sorry Manda for dumping all this on you. There is actually more you need to know but I don't want to tell you now. I think it's too much. Just think about all of this and we can talk more later. I really needed to tell you what I told you so far, though. I am hoping and praying you will accept me just as I eventually accepted myself."
"I appreciate you telling me, I guess, but maybe you should not have told me."
"Why?"
"I just feel so uncomfortable, but I love you Cole. I mean you are amazing and nice to me. I can tell you love me and would protect me, and you have. I feel safe with you. But it's really weird. You have to admit. Is that why you were speaking in Arabic? Was that related to this?"
"Yes"
"Oh," she said.
"Oh yeah, it is weird, but I am hoping and praying you will accept me and think of me more like a heart transplant patient and not some kind of Frankenstein. We can talk more later. I actually need your help with some things."
"You do?"
"Yes. I am hoping you will accept me and then we can move on and you can help me solve a mystery that is crucially important, but you have to accept me first."
"Oh, okay."
I think she was a little curious.
With that I bent forward to give her a hug. She was a little stiff at first but quickly melted into my arms with the feelings of familiarity that we shared. I knew I needed to tell her a lot more but enough was enough for now.