Chapter Eighteen - "You Are So Difficult"
☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼
"Fuck my life," I muttered, pulling the covers over my head after shutting my alarm off.
My first day of senior year was finally here, and I definitely wasn't looking forward to it. Whether it was because I wasn't ready to face school or Chase, I didn't want it.
I wanted change, but not the school kind of change. Just a seasonal change.
"Linds! Get up!" Melissa barged into my room and jumped onto my bed. Her body crushed mine, making me yelp out in pain. She totally disregarded my cries and continued to yell. "Aren't you excited?"
"No," I groaned.
"Oh, come on. Mom made us breakfast and she's waiting at the table," she yanked the covers off me. She stared down at me with wide, hopeful eyes and a smile on her face. The expression made her look so young and innocent; so full of life.
I couldn't help but smile a little at it.
"Fine," I answered. I didn't fight back as she dragged me out of my room and pulled me down the stairs. I was going to have to face school whether I wanted to or not.
And to my surprise, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table with breakfast ready for us. She was always home in the mornings before we left for school anyway, but she never ate with us. It had also been awhile since I was up early enough to actually see my mom, so it was sort of a nice surprise.
"Hi girls," she grinned.
"Morning," my sister chirped while I muttered the word, taking a seat at the table.
"Excited for school?" She asked with her eyebrows raised.
"Yes," Melissa sang at the same time I mumbled, "no".
"Honey, come on," my mom sighed, casting her gaze to me. "It'll be okay."
"Sure about that?" I narrowed my eyes.
She paused and pursed her lips, then nodded her head and smiled. "Yes, I am. It always is."
I sighed, but didn't argue with her anymore. I piled a few pancakes on my plate and quickly finished them so I could get ready.
Trudging up the stairs, I walked into my bright room and shut the door, turning on my flat iron and waiting for it to heat up.
I decided on a floral printed baby blue playsuit, grabbing a light sweater for another layer since my school was always freezing. I straightened my hair, finished my makeup afterwards and slipped on a pair of white sandals. I ran down the steps with Melissa behind me, while she waited for her friend to pick her up for her first day of sophomore year.
"Bye Mom!" I called before I opened the door.
"Have a good day, sweetie!" She yelled from the kitchen, then I went out to my car to wait for Justin.
My passenger door flung open a few minutes later, prying my attention from my phone and meeting the face of my optimistic best friend. "Ready for the first day of our last year?" Justin grinned widely.
"Sort of," I shrugged, backing out of my driveway once he got in his seat.
"Oh, come on, Linds. It's our last year! How could you not be excited?" He gently nudged my shoulder.
"It's not that hard," I shrugged again as I mumbled the words.
"You're miserable attitude is very contagious," he chuckled jokingly.
"It's what I do best," I smirked, turning the corner and approaching our school.
After I parked, we walked inside and stopped at the office to pick up our schedules that barely had any classes on them. Only six of the eight slots were actual classes, and the very last one was free period – which most seniors had so we could go home.
"Hey, look at that! We have three classes together!" Justin pointed at my schedule.
"Don't be the reason for me failing those classes," I smiled, joking of course.
"I'll do what I can," he grinned, bumping my hip with his. We walked down the halls until we reached my homeroom and we said goodbye. The bell rang, signaling the start to our senior year.
☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼
I plopped down in a seat in my last class, just waiting for the day to be over after this. It was Statistics and I wasn't sure that having a math class so late in the day was any good, but I guess I'd get through it.
I'd heard that the teacher was pretty easy and didn't make this class too difficult or anything – do your work and you'd be fine. Show up, be polite and leave. I planned on doing just that all year.
And then Todd walked through the door.
His eyes lit up in the weirdest way when he saw me, and of course, he walked over to me and took the seat next to mine.
"Lindsay, always so nice to see you. How are you?" He grinned, turning to face me. I just kept facing forward.
"I was fine. Until you got here," I gritted my teeth, rolling my eyes. And the smell of his signature cologne washed over me suddenly. I felt myself enjoy it for a fraction of a second.
Then the faint stench of cigarette smoke pierced through my nostrils. I wasn't going to bother with it, but I felt a bit of curiosity boiling in me.
Before I thought about it any further, I suddenly opened my mouth to speak. "When did you start smoking?"
"After we ended things," he turned to me and looked straight in my eyes. I searched his blue orbs for a few moments, trying to figure him out. But it wasn't worth it. "It's not that bad of a habit, I don't do it as often as you think. It's just when I wanna relax or get a nice little buzz."
"Oh," was all I said.
"I heard what happened over the summer. You okay?" He asked a couple seconds later, and he generally seemed concerned. But I wasn't sure if I should have believed it.
I hesitated before I answered him. "I'm hanging in there," I breathed, letting my tough exterior fall down for some reason.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I glanced up at him and he was giving me a look of sympathy – pure, sincere sympathy. I thought I would never see a look like that on Todd's face ever again. I didn't know he had that kind of emotion in him.
I just nodded in return before whispering, "it happens".
His eyes traveled down to where his hand was still gently resting on my shoulder, then he slowly removed it. He stared at me for a moment before turning to face the front. It left me to wonder what he was thinking about.
"Alright, let's do this guys." Our teacher walked through the door and started talking in a loud voice. He dropped his briefcase onto his desk and sighed, wiping his forehead. "I'm Mr. Filomina, call me whatever you want."
He was young, pretty nice looking, and seemed laid-back. He honestly looked like he could've been a student.
"Dude, how old are you?" A guy called from the back of the room.
"Old enough," Mr. Filomina smirked. "This is Stats, it'll be easy. Don't piss me off, don't talk when I'm talking and if we get through this without any problems, I'll rethink giving you guys a final."
Everyone suddenly started to pay attention at the mention of no final exam. The girls were swooning over his good looks, and the guys were simply just trying to pass without being assholes.
Todd looked at me with a typical smirk of his, and all I could do was roll my eyes. What a great way to end my day.
And twenty minutes later, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
"Aren't you glad we have a class together again?" Todd's arm snaked around my shoulders and pulled me close to him.
We walked down the hall together as I tried to get him off me, and I couldn't help but flash back to when we were together. It felt like things didn't change for a second with his arm around me.
But I ignored the feeling and remembered how much I disliked him.
"Ecstatic, believe me," I smiled sarcastically, pulling his arm off.
"Hey, listen," he spun me around and startled me a bit. "If you need someone, you know, to talk to... I'm here."
"Are you suddenly a nice guy now? What happened over the summer?" I raised an eyebrow and folded my arms.
"Just trying to be decent," he shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. "See you around."
"Yeah, you too," I nodded, knitting my eyebrows together as he walked off. I shook my head and sighed, then climbed down the stairs and met Justin out front.
"How was your first day?" He eagerly asked me when we found each other.
"Alright, it could've been worse," I said honestly. "I don't have any classes with Chase, which is good."
"I'm glad to hear that," he nodded. We walked to my car and I saw Ashley and Brandon from across the parking lot, so I waved to them with a smile. They returned it, then Justin and I hopped in my car and headed home.
Once we were in my driveway a few minutes later, the two of us got out of my car and went our separate ways to our own houses.
"See ya later!" Justin yelled to me.
"Love ya!" I called over my shoulder.
Fumbling for my keys, I unlocked the front door and walked inside, only to find my house empty. I sighed, plopping down on the couch in the living room and turning on the TV to kill some time. It was only a half day of school today, and I don't have anything planned except for relaxing on my couch for hours on end.
In the midst of my sporadic channel changing, Melissa came home and went upstairs and before I knew it, it was 5 o'clock. Only about an hour until my mom would get home, then my dad a little after that. On a lucky day, that would happen at least. There were some nights my dad just never came home and I wouldn't see my mom at all.
The doorbell rang while my eyes were glued to the TV and I groaned in response at first. I slid off the couch and scuffled to the front door, holding back a yawn as I reached for the doorknob. I pulled it open and stared at the person on the other side, which made my eyes nearly pop out of my head.
My heart skipped a beat, but not in a good way.
The face that I had been dreading to see for the past few weeks was in front of me, staring right back.
"Hi," Chase said with a tiny smile.
"Chase, just go, okay? I'm not in the mood," I sighed in annoyance and started backing away. I went to shut the door on him, then I heard his voice.
"No, Linds. Please talk to me," he stopped the door from shutting. I bit down on my lip and stared at my feet, then tried to shut the door again. "Look, I know Ashley told me to stay away and that I'll only hurt you, but I just want to talk."
The name of my nosy, defensive best friend caught my attention before I completely shut him out.
"What'd Ashley tell you?" I opened the door, crinkling my forehead and staring at him in confusion. My voice was a bit higher than I wanted it to be, and it made me seem vulnerable. Which I was, to be honest.
He sighed, running his hands through his hair and looking at me with pleading eyes. "She said that I should stay away from you and that if I talk to you again, it'll only make things worse. And she said that you know how sorry I am, but I... I just really need to talk to you. Please," he begged.
I pressed my lips together and a grumble came from deep in my throat. I stepped onto the front porch with him and shut the door behind me.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
"Fine. Then talk," I spat out, crossing my arms.
"Okay... so... this has been the hardest thing for me to go through," he started off and I restrained myself from rolling my eyes.
Of course it is, dipshit. How do you think it feels for me?
"God, I know I screwed up, okay? I know that I fucked things up between us and that it'll never be the same but I just want... I don't know," he shrugged, sighing loudly. "I know what I want to say but I can't say it."
"Well, if you're expecting me to take you back, that's not going to happen," I rasped, shaking my head.
"I'm not... I'm not expecting anything. I don't know what to expect from you. I just want you back in my life," he said quietly.
"It's too early," I finally looked up at him with defiance in my voice now. "It's still too early and I'm not ready to move on."
"Just consider it," he pleaded with a small voice.
"Chase, I can't do this. I can't keep doing this with you. All I do, all the time, is think about you," I shook my head again, laughing at myself and how pathetic it is. "I need to move on and I can't do it. I just wish that we could be friends and forget everything that happened between us."
"But we can," he reached out to touch me, but I backed away.
"No, we really can't," I denied. "Not yet. Some people might be able to do that, but I am not one of those people. I can't just forgive and forget like that. I know it happened weeks ago, but I'm still not over it. I loved you so much, and I can't move on like I want to. It's gonna take time and you just don't get it," I choked on my last few words, feeling my throat start to close up. The lump was rising and I knew exactly what that meant.
I'd been crying more often than I ever have for the past few months and it really sucked. But for once, it wasn't because I was feeling alone.
"Hey, stop, don't cry," he stepped closer to me and reached up to cradle my face without a problem. He looked into my eyes and I didn't know why I was letting him do it, but nothing was stopping me.
He was holding my face in his hands like nothing ever changed between us. And for a second, I believed it. Just like with Todd.
"Don't cry," he whispered, his eyes grazing over my face and glancing at my mouth for a second.
And I couldn't stop his lips from coming onto mine. And that I let him kiss me. And that I liked it.
Only for a few seconds until my conscience started screaming at me.
"No, no," I mumbled against his lips. "We can't do this," I shook my head, pulling away from him as his hands dropped from my face.
He stared at me for a few seconds as I wiped away the tears that were building up in the corners of my eyes. It took a minute for me to look back up at him.
"I think you should go," I whispered.
A confused look washed over his face. Then he did something surprising.
"Why can't you just let me back in?" He raised his voice and I jumped at the sound.
"Because it's not that easy!" I screamed, flinging my arms out. But damn, did it feel good.
His eyes searched mine, looking angry and bewildered. I couldn't figure out what the hell I was feeling, but it was everything and it was overwhelming.
"God damnit," he muttered, tugging on his hair. "You know what, this was a bad idea."
"Yeah, it was," I agreed in a snarky tone.
"I shouldn't have come here. I don't even know why I bother with you," he shook his head.
"Excuse me?" I scoffed, raising my eyebrows.
"You know, you are so fucking difficult, it's unbelievable. I put up with your shit for two years, and you can't even try to do one thing for me?" He started hitting me with low blows and I couldn't do anything but stand there, dumbfounded like a fish out of water. "I put up with your endless mood swings, your random outbursts and crying and picking stupid little fights with me. I put up with everything you hand me and this is what I get?"
The thing was, he didn't know the reasoning behind all those things. And that's what killed me the most.
"Leave," I demanded.
I didn't want to hear anything else from him, and it would only be a matter of a few seconds before I broke down.
"I was already going," he fired back. I watched as he stormed down to the curb, slammed his car door shut after getting in and flew down the street.
As soon as he disappeared, I broke.
The tears started streaming down my face. I collapsed onto the ground and buried my face in my hands. I choked on my tears, my body shaking and my heart racing.
I never knew how awful someone that you used to love could be.
It amazed me how much could change between two people in such a short time. A couple months, a few weeks, it didn't matter. Chase and I could never be the same. And it would forever kill me to think that I could never have him back in my life like the way he used to be.
"Lindsay? Honey, what's wrong?" A voice disturbed me, but I didn't look up. I knew it was my mom. I had been crumpled on the front porch, crying until she got home and picked me up.
I couldn't explain what was wrong because I didn't know. I didn't know what the hell to think and I couldn't find the words to try and figure it out.
She walked me inside as I sobbed into her shirt and she rubbed my back, trying to shush me. She didn't know what was wrong, but I had a feeling she knew somehow.
☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼
A/N - I'm pretty sure I mumble the first words of this chapter every time I have to get up for school. Anyone feel the same? No, it's just me? Okay, moving on.
Yikes, this chapter had a lot going on in it! Thoughts on Lindsay having a class with Todd? Is he going to just stir up more trouble with her, or do you think he's being sincere when he says he's trying to be a "nice guy"? What do you think about Chase showing up at Lindsay's house? And what he said to her?! (I think I might have smacked him. That boy causes more trouble than anyone I know.)
I hope you liked this chapter because things are going to happen soon that might surprise you. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut (THAT RHYMED LOL). Thanks so much for reading and being cool. I love ya lots.
Song: All You Had To Do Was Stay (Cover) by Taylor Swift
Photo: Lindsay crying ugh
xoxo, sabbbycat