Chapter 14
"No, that's your purpose. I don't care about any of that stuff. I never did. Those are your dreams." —Angel
December 25th, 2007
It was now officially Christmas Day and I couldn't believe I was going through all this drama. It's been almost a week since I've run into Money's mistress at the club. I get out the shower and wrap my towel around myself, wiping away the condensation the hot water caused on the mirror.
I looked much better and my face was healing nicely, nothing noticeable unless you were close up. I'd been walking to the exit with Kianna and her husband Capri when I literally bumped into Money's whore. I recognized her right away because I'd been staring at her in the salon the whole time that day; and I knew she recognized me too.
I don't know why but I just lashed out and hit her and we started fighting. She got the better of me. Though I'm sure it looked worst than what it was at the time; because I left with a bloody face. That was only because at one point in the midst of us being tangled up in a ball outside on the ground, the pointed tip of her heel opened the skin above my eyebrow a little deep, so I bled heavily.
The small cut there was red now, but it was going down and I was fine. The only thing I was sad about was how lonely I was. It's been two months since I've seen Money. At first he would text and call me all day, then it just stopped. Two months with not even a phone call like he use to. I was very hurt, it seems like he didn't care about me anymore.
How did we end up here? Now it was Christmas and I was here in my apartment with a small Christmas tree decorated with ornaments and lights, but no one to share it with. Not a present sat under the tree. Part of me wished the baby was born already to at least have some type of companionship.
I wanted the baby and was actually looking forward to it. I open my towel a little, looking at myself. I was now starting to show. I was in that awkward faze where you could see something was going on with me. It was one of those where you couldn't tell if I was pregnant, or one of those skinny girls starting to become fat.
People sometimes stared at me, because I looked odd. An old man once on the street couldn't stop looking at me. I'd been out nearby the apartment shopping for clothes. I never went too far from home. I wasn't offended and eventually to end his guessing game, I rubbed my belly and mouthed to him I was pregnant. He burst into laughter and apologized for staring, but said he couldn't help but not too.
I close my towel and walk out into the living room to turn the television off, deciding I'd retire to the room for tonight. I get into the living room and scream, seeing a man sitting on my couch. His face was in his palms like he was thinking, but he calmly looked over at me.
It was Money.
There were so many emotions flooding through me at once, I couldn't process them all. He just watched me as well, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He stared at me from head to toe and I was sure he could hear my heart through my chest. He got up and walked toward me, making me cower and back away. I couldn't move away much further once my back touches the table.
He's standing over me, just looking down like he can't believe it's me. But there's something off about him, I notice it in his eyes. They seem more dull, he seems more dull. I can feel his aura and the negative energy on him. I wasn't scared of Money, but I knew when something was wrong with him.
"Money." I whisper breathlessly. I couldn't believe he was standing here right in front of me. It felt like it's been so long since I've seen him and it has been.
He picks me up and sits me in the table top. I feel my eyes watering but I try to control myself. He gently cups my chin, gliding his thumb across my cheek and the motion makes goosebumps rise on my arms. He sees the small gash from the fight then looks away to study the rest of the micro cuts and scratches. He noticed everything.
He suddenly hugs me, holds me so tight to his body I burst into tears and hug him back. It felt so good to be in his arms again. Despite everything going on between us, this was my family and I loved him. I cried so hard my body shook, he massaged my head and gently soothed me.
All I wanted to do was pack up everything and go back home with him, but he hurt me. He was the reason I was here in the first place, he caused our separation. Two years with two other women.
He pulls away, eyes closed with his forehead to mines. His hands were cupping my face. His hands were always warm no matter what. "Why are you doing this to me, ma? I'm going crazy without you, please come back home."
"I didn't do this to us, you did." I corrected, tears running down my cheeks.
"I know and I've learned my lesson. Please, I can't do this shit anymore. It's been months, I can't even eat, let alone sleep."
I knew the feeling, it was odd. So many nights I wanted to give in and call just to hear his voice, but I had to stay strong. So instead I would replay his messages and look at his texts over and over. But standing here now with him in front of me, had me ready to say forget all of this and go back home.
"I'll never hurt you again, I'm sorry. But how long are you going to keep me away? This is way too long, baby girl. I need you."
The desperation in his voice made my heart flutter because I could see the genuineness on his face. He truly did miss me, but now that just made me want to stay here even more. Because it took me leaving him for him to feel this way, the day when his affairs had been exposed he wasn't anything like this. He'd been calm and nonchalant because he thought I was still going to be there. Now he saw that I was serious.
Him being here right now was already breaking my resolve. He had such a deep affect on me, that I already felt myself breaking. To keep myself from messing up and telling this man yes, I changed the subject. I cupped his face instead and stared at him intently, he seemed so lost. So tortured. "What's going on with you? You seem so different..." Not physically, but I knew he could tell what I was trying to get at.
He licks his lips and turned his head, "Angel..."
I clutch the other side of his face, forcing him to look at me. His hands are on either side of my body, holding the counter. There was an internal battle going on in him, "Look at me Carter, what's wrong? What are you doing out there? Is everything okay?" It must've been working for Capri. It was maybe too much and starting to take a toll on him.
He looked me in the eyes and opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. Then it came to me. There were a bunch of news segments recently about the unexpected and brutal murders of members of the Savage Boys. At first I thought it was just gang related stuff and they were in some beef with some rival people, but the way they started dropping...so methodically, so quick. It was personal. Someone was hunting them down, so I look at Money.
"Is it you? The murders in the news? Those gang members? Are you the one doing this?" I ask. The way he carried himself made me think. His subconscious was so distant, so cold. "Is Capri making you do this to be on his team?"
He wasn't looking at me at all, trying his best to dodge my gaze.
"Benjamin look at me," I say following his head everywhere he turned. He finally did, licking his lips but his face was expressionless. My lips are trembling. "Is it you?"
"I have to, Angel. It's either them or us. I'm not taking that chance."
"You're not a killer, Money."
"To protect us, I will be." He says. I can tell he isn't going to go back and forth on it. "They're out there, I didn't get all of them and there's a chance they may track you down to get to me. That's never gonna happen."
I swallow hard, figuring we were way in over our heads with this. I wasn't stupid, cartel workers usually did cartel shit, but not all drug pushers killed people. And that's what Money was suppose to be, a pusher not a murderer. This was getting way too messy and I wanted him out.
"You should stop working for him. You need too, I want you to stop." I say, feeling bad that I went out with them the other day. The luxury was cool but the bad parts were not. I can tell he's seen and done some things that he regretted; couldn't get out of his head.
"When the time is right." He says. There's a long pause between us, but it's nowhere close to uncomfortable. There can never be a moment of awkwardness between us. He looks around the room, noticing my mini tree, with nothing under it and smiles.
I felt dumb, embarrassed that he knew I went outside like a loser and bought a Christmas tree, even though I was here all alone.
"Really?" He chuckles.
I slowly shrug, "We do it every year, I just wanted it to feel like normal."
He picks my chin up and I see him leaning toward me. I shamelessly close my eyes just as his lips touch mine. We kiss gently, Money's tongue deep at the back of my throat. I start to moan, holding my towel tightly. I felt myself getting so wet. I didn't own any sex toys and I didn't like to touch myself really, so just the simple touch of this man, already had me so moist.
He pulls away with my bottom lip still between his pearly white teeth, before letting go. He dips his head to kiss down the side of my neck. It felt so good my nipples were tingling against the rough fabric of the towel. The scratchiness against my soft buds, making me even more hornier.
I have to stop him because I don't want to give in so easily. I wanted him so badly, I wanted to let him have his way with me and take me anywhere and how he wanted, but I force myself to remember all the sexual and intimidate things he did with those other women and it gives me the strength to pull away.
Money clenches his jaws, fixing the front of his pants. "Why you denying me, baby? Just let me taste you, at least. Please..."
I wanted to let him too, but I wouldn't, not so soon. "Go taste one of your whores."
He just looks at me but doesn't say anything and ironically I feel bad. As mad as I was at him, it was Christmas so I shouldn't be jabbing at him or be negative. I had all the rest of the days for that, but for today I'd wouldn't entertain that stuff. Then I think about our baby. He needed to know. I couldn't prolong it any longer, he had a right to know and at this point I was showing. It's been two months and it would be the best reintroduction to each other. It'll brighten up the darkness he's been consumed in these past weeks.
"I got you a present." I say, softly.
"Yeah?" He smiles. He turns over his shoulder and glances back at the tree, his head moving around like he was trying to see if he might've missed seeing it. When he doesn't see anything, he looks back at me and the excitement on his face lights my heart up. "Where is it?"
"Come." I pull him as close to me as he can possibly be, then take one of his hands. I make a small opening in my towel and place his palm flat on my stomach. "Merry Christmas...your baby is inside me."
I don't know why but as soon as I said it, I got so emotional. Tears clouded my eyes but I quickly blink them away. He's no longer smiling but I still see a tinge of amusement on his face, like he can't tell if I'm playing or not. "Pregnant...like...with a baby?"
I laugh and nod my head, "Yes, pregnant with a baby."
He's just watching me carefully, like he didn't want to react too soon only for me to say I was joking. I thought it was adorable.
"Baby say something, what's going through your mind?"
He gently uncurls my fingers from my towel and holds it open, himself. I'm a little shy since it's been a while since he's seen me naked, but it was only Money so I relax. His eyes don't go anywhere else besides my stomach anyway and I see his eyes searching. He notices the bump because his head jerks back and his eyes widen. He quickly looks away and closes the towel back, like he saw a dead body.
There's a moment where none of us move and my smile starts to fade, thinking I must've read this wrong. He puts his hands up to his mouth like he's praying but he doesn't take his eyes off my stomach, though it's now covered with the towel. He just stares at that area with an absentminded look on his face, but he kept locking his jaws together.
"Money?" I call.
I must've made him remember to move, because he drops his hands but looks up toward the ceiling, speaking in a low tone. "...What?"
"What's the matter?"
He finally looks at me. "I think we have too many things going on to even be thinking about kids right now."
I slowly shrug, "Things like what?"
"I'm about to start making moves pretty soon. I might be going to Colombia some time this week."
"Colombia?"
"Yeah and taking trips overseas will be a constant. I'll hardly ever be home and whenever my phones rings I'll have to jet. We won't be a steady family and I know you won't like that."
I was kind of agitated, he was more focused on the negatives than the positives.
"Plus, we're kind of too young to be having kids right now. Twenty and twenty-two is not ideal, we should wait a little bit. You're not even allowed to drink yet."
"And you were just allowed to start drinking last year, age doesn't matter. What happened to all the teen parents out there? A lot of them do just fine. And it's not like we're broke and struggling, we'll be okay."
"We don't know anything about kids, Angel. None of us have no nieces, nephews, little cousins or anything to go off of. We barely raised ourselves how we gonna raise somebody else?"
"I don't know, we'll learn together."
He closed his eyes for a split second, "No, we can't learn along the way, this isn't a trial and error situation. It's a kid, not a game of Poker."
I felt my nose stinging at what I thought he was trying to get at. "Why do you keep making all these excuses?"
"I'm not making excuses, I'm just stating the truth." He claimed.
"No you're not! You're just tryna find every excuse in the book not to have this kid! Why don't you just man up and tell me the truth about how you feel!"
"You don't want me to tell you how I feel 'cause I'd definitely make you cry. I'm trying not to hurt your feelings."
"Money if you don't wanna have the fucking baby then say it!" I yell at him.
He looked at me with those cold eyes, trying to intimidate me into backing off and shutting up. But I wasn't going to and he saw that I wasn't going to. He breaks eye contact and goes into his back pocket, pulling out a thick wad of money. He counted off three crisp hundred dollar bills, tossing it on the table next to me.
"Since you want to know how I feel so badly—abort it."
He was about to put the money back but counted off three more hundreds, throwing that on top the other set of money.
"Matter fact when you're done, re-abort it again just to make sure...Merry Christmas." He whispered on the last part.
I felt like I was staring at a real life monster. He was like a different person. I couldn't believe this was the same little boy who use to buy me Ring Pops sometimes with the left over change he had and would propose to me with it and pretend we were married. The same little boy who never got mad when I ended up eating those Ring Pops. The boy who would just smile, wipe my guilty tears and tell me it was okay and buy me more. This was the same little boy I would rush too most nights when older boys and staff workers at the group home would come into my sleeping unit to touch me. He would hide me in his bed where I'd be allowed to sleep knowing he'd be there to protect me.
But it was him. It was the same little boy with the big chocolate brown eyes, that now had dark brown slanted ones, blacker than the pits of the earth. Tears fell down my face but he doesn't wipe them like he did a minute ago.
"You make me talk to you like this, because it seems this is the only way you understand. Did you not hear a word I said to you? There's people on the street that want us dead right now. I'm also pushing big amounts of cocaine overseas and meeting with all types of people. A baby fits nowhere into this. You need to think about this, it isn't a game."
"I never said it was! Your the one who sounds like a child, you don't have time because you're busy playing gangster? What's the matter with you Money, this is your baby."
He looked like he wanted to tell me he didn't care, but refrained. I know I didn't know how to feel about having this baby at first; but I was certain I wanted it now. It was the only thing in our drama filled life that I thought we would be able to look forward too. But Money made it sound like me even thinking about having a baby was the stupidest thing in the world.
Hand on his hip and the other rubbing his temples like I'd just given him one of the worst migraines ever, he looked at me with a screwed up face. "Where the hell is all of this coming from? Since when have you been so eager to have kids, anyway? We've never even talked about this."
"We did," I'm trying hard to hold myself together. I'd been doing so well on my own and within less than fifteen minutes, he had the ability to make me look so weak and feeble. "You said you wanted kids, I was sixteen you were eighteen. It was the second week we'd escaped the group home. You took my virginity that night. You wanted kids back then, remember? You told me you wish I got pregnant with twins."
He looked off to the side chuckling, almost looking like he wasn't angry. Then he looked right at me. "Are you serious? I was eighteen, we had a brand new place and it was the first time we both ever had sex. You were emotional and being a female, so I said something stupid and frilly because it fit the mood. It was four years ago. Grow up, Angel."
I couldn't stand the sight of Money right now. His words stung me and I search his eyes wondering how he could treat me like this. I was confused and hurt. To think he was just telling me how much he missed me and wanted me back with him. Yet here he was, being such a piece of shit.
"I thought we were on the same page here, kid." He said quietly, "We need to work on us, build our money. This cartel shit might be dangerous, but I thought it was our purpose for right now."
I shake my head from side to side. "No, that's your purpose. I don't care about any of that stuff. I never did. Those are your dreams."
"Then how come we both robbed people together? Why didn't you mind me working for Capri at first if that's not what we both wanted?"
I was so upset I couldn't help but erupt into sobs. He never even moved, just waited for me to get myself together. Not that I wanted him touching me anyway.
"Because it's what you want Money. Don't you get it? I was only holding you down. I never did any of that stuff because it's what I wanted. I never cared, I did it because you wanted to and it would make you happy. That's my purpose, to make you happy."
He put his hands on my face and smiles, but it didn't reach his face. "Okay, so make me happy and get rid of it."
My heart felt like it was being wrenched out of my chest. I was a hysterical mess now. "But it's something we made together."
"We can find other things to make together, baby girl." He kissed my lips. I never hated hearing those words come out of his mouth. Until now. "How long have you known about this?"
"Why does it matter? You don't care."
He closes his eyes like he is refraining from blowing up on me. "How long."
"The day I went to the clinic. On my way back that's when the shooting happened."
"You were pregnant since back then and you didn't tell me? That was over two months ago!"
"I couldn't find the right time to tell you, stop yelling at me!" I shout.
"That damn long and you couldn't find one day to put aside and tell me? Or you were being fucking childish and keeping it from me just because you were mad about some bitches?"
"Why're you getting so mad anyway? You don't even want the baby!"
"You right, I don't and neither should you. What type of mom you gonna be anyway? You was out in the streets fighting which put that same damn thing you want so bad in harms way."
I wiped my eyes, "I know that, I'll never do something like that again. It was a mistake."
"So was this whole conversation. You should've never brought it up...a baby. Why did you think that would even remotely come close to putting a smile on my face? You know me so you should've known what my reaction would be. We don't need unnecessary things to fuck up our lives and this thing you feignin' for is unnecessary."
I knew my face was red, I could feel the heat coming off my skin. My eyes were probably beginning to get red as well. I felt so dumb, I'd spent so many nights dreaming of Money's reaction to the news, thinking this would make him happy. That it would make us even closer, possibly have us start over.
"You don't love me, you're suppose to accept what I want! How about you hold me down for once? Have my back in something I want to do!" I shout at him.
"This is someone's life, a life I don't want to be responsible for messing up. You can't push a child on me if I don't want one."
"Don't you want something that would link us together forever?"
"We are linked together forever, we don't need something that has our DNA to bond us. If you wanted to get me a real present you shoulda bought me a gold Rolex or something."
I pushed him away from me, disgusted by the sight of him. "You're so fucking disrespectful." I say in disbelief, amazed at some of the cold things he could say, so easily.
"I'm honest."
"You haven't even acknowledge it as your child yet."
"And you need to stop referring to it as your child, because you're putting it in your head that this shit is gonna happen and it's not. We are not having this baby Angel. Aight?"
I slid off the counter, fixing my towel so it could hold itself up, "No, we are."
"No we're not and that's the end of the conversation."
"Yes we are!" I say, my voice cracking.
"What did I say?"
At this point I'm whining and stomping like a brat. "I'm not getting an abortion Money. Why don't you want it?"
"You heard what I said, the conversation is done."
"Why don't you want it!?"
He slapped the counter so loud it sounded like a bowling ball hit the ground. "Because I don't want a child with you!"
I didn't even react at first, I think his words caught me off guard. Then when I did, I bit my bottom lip and quickly nodded my head. The eye contact was only for a brief second because I turned and went for the bedroom. I guess there could be embarrassing moments between Money and I, because I was humiliated. I felt so low that I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.
"Fuck..." I hear him grit through his teeth, "Angel."
I slam the door and lock it, running over to the bed and allowing my face to fall into a pillow. I cried my eyes out, so crushed. My own husband didn't want to have a child with me. What was wrong with me? I wonder if he'd be willing to have a child with another woman. I don't even think this man knew how much I loved him, or maybe he did and that's why this was happening to us.
"Angel I didn't mean it like that, open the door. I shouldn't have said that. It's not what you think I mean. You wouldn't understand." His voice is muffled from behind the door and I hear him jiggling the lock. "I'm sorry baby girl."
I get up and go toward my dresser, pulling out an oversized t-shirt. It wasn't Money's, but I had bought it just to make it feel like it was his. I slipped it on over my head, not caring my towel was on the ground. I just climbed into my bed and cried. Clutching my pillow to my face as I allowed my body to shake and rack with grief as I laid there for over an hour, heartbroken.
*******
I wake up to something behind me and look over my shoulder, seeing Money holding me. The bedroom door was wide open but the living room lights were off. I realized he must've picked the lock; ironically one of his hands were around my waist, holding my body to his chest, with his hand spread out across my belly.
I try to move away and his grip on me tightens, but he's still asleep. I yank myself away from him roughly. "Get off of me." I mumble, not caring if he woke up or not.
His eyes slowly open and they're bloodshot. He was sleeping deep. He sighs and sits up, looking at me.
"Just go, please." I say.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." He says. He lifts my chin and he seems so sincere, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, alright?"
I rub circles on my own leg with my thumb, coaching myself to stay strong and not even say anything, but I couldn't help it. A small part of me started to feel something and I had to know, for myself and for my future. I look up at him, my vision becoming blurry, but I smile.
"Just be honest Money...do you still love me?"
He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at me like I was crazy. "You don't think I love you?"
"I don't know..." I mumble, looking away.
He softly caught my chin, forcing me to look into his slanted brown eyes. "You don't think I love you?"
It was now my turn to look at him like he was crazy. My eyebrows were furrowed in disbelief because I couldn't believe he was serious. Did he think he was displaying normal behavior? A single tear rolled down my left cheek. "Do you? You've been treating me really horrible lately. You act like I don't mean anything to you. What married man tells his wife to get an abortion?"
"Angel, everybody does not want children. There's no law that says we have to have them just because we're married. Everyone doesn't need kids anyway and I'm one of those people."
"Then I guess we should've both thought about that more when we were having so much unprotected sex. Just go, I'm doing fine here on my own." I got up to go back into the living room. I was hungry and felt like making chicken soup. I had the ingredients for it.
I place my hand on the doorknob but Money's hand is over mine, preventing me from opening the door. His other hand was wrapped around me with my back pressed against his chest. I could already feel my vision getting blurry as I continue to stare at the doorknob that's changing shapes due to the water in my eyes.
"Listen to me, you never have to question my love for you." He says so softly in my ear it makes my lips tremble, "Feeling unloved makes me feel like I'm not doing my job to show you how much you mean to me. You're all I care about, you know that."
I turn around in his arms, looking into his eyes, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I take his hand and put it on my bump, holding it there. "So show me how much you love me. Tell me you want our baby, say okay."
He's tense but he doesn't get mad or yank his hand away like before. He allows me to keep it there, but uses the other hand to brush underneath my eyes with the backs of his fingers. "Please don't cry, you know I hate to see you cry." His face softens from the hardened attitude he had before.
This man sure knew how to break my heart without even trying.
He entwines our fingers, "You said you always look out for me, right?"
"Don't I?!" I snap.
"Okay then, imma need you to keep doing that. I have this picture in my head how I envision us in the future and I need you to ride it out with me in order to get us there, okay?" He raises both his eyebrows, waiting for a response but I don't give him one. So he speaks a little louder when I don't say anything. "Okay?"
I guess this was it, there was no way I could show Money my perspective on this. It was all about him and what he wanted, so I just nod my head.
"So are we on the same page?" He asks, "We can't have this baby."
I nod again, feeling sick to my stomach.
"...You okay?"
I nod my head again, unable to speak.
"Angel."
Even though I didn't want to, I look at him and widen my eyes to keep from crying even more. "Hm?"
"I know this is hard for you, baby. But I need you to do this for me. Right now I need you to get rid of this one, then when we get shit going for us and things fall into place, we'll have all the babies you want. I'll be your personal baby maker if you want me too. Deal?"
I give a small smile even though it was fake. "Okay..."
"Good." He said cupping my jaw. He pulled my face to his and licked my bottom lip. My mouth was already a slightly ajar so his tongue slipped right in. As he started to push me back toward the bed, I could feel him trying to slide his hands up my t-shirt, but I cross my legs and hold the material tight to my body.
He smiled against my lips. "No point in hiding from me, I already know what you look like. I got every party of your body etched into my head."
His words sent a deep long shiver running down my spine; but as much as I did miss the dick, I just couldn't. Especially not after what he was asking of me, it just didn't feel right. I could feel his semi-erection on my stomach and it was making me uncomfortable. I couldn't have sex with Money, right now.
"Money please stop...please." I whisper.
He stops and looks at my face.
"I'm sorry but I just can't, okay? My mind is just..."
He nods and clears his throat, dropping his hands. "You okay?"
"Yes." I whisper. No, I wasn't.
"The money you took, the separation you want, I understand and you deserve all of that. It's not about the money or you being angry at me, but you have to come home. You have to be safe."
"I don't know about—"
"It's not a request, love. You can be mad at me, but I need you safe with that's happening. You have to come home with me. Tomorrow, start packing up to go back home. I don't know if they know where you're at and I'm not taking that chance."
I didn't say anything.
"You forgive me? Not just about this but about everything I did to you. I'm sorry and I won't ever do anything to hurt you again. I can't stop thinking about you, you being apart from me for this long is fuckin' with my head. I just want us back to where we use to be."
It honestly was probably safer for me to be back home with Money. He looked like he needed a companion. With all the murdering and running back and forth and taking risks with his life doing illegal business was taking a toll on him. A toll on his mental health the most, honestly. I would be lying if I said I hadn't missed him, but tonight he just reminded me why I left.
I only nod to get him out my room. He does as he kisses me on the forehead and leaves, telling me he's gonna sleep on the couch. I'm glad he knew he wasn't coming back in here. Calmly I walked out and went straight into the kitchen to start preparing dinner.
I always held Money down and did what he wanted me to do. Now it was his turn. I was not aborting this baby. Either he was going to hate it or love it, but in six months he was going to get a real surprise when his little prince or princess got here, whether he liked it or not.