With guards near me at all times my erratic fear calmed its tyrant like control over my mind, a tad bit at least. A few weeks passed and I could hold my head up as I passed by the courtiers. I thought I was starting to get a grasp over my nerves and distrust over them with their whispering lies. I could get through this. Instead, I threw myself into my royal duties. It didn't help that I was under unyielding scrutiny from everyone and their pressurising of the King for my trial of treason. Evidently, if my Advisor was guilty of sleeping with me then I was guilt ridden too. I should die as well although my sweet Senor had never been tried rather disposed of in the most inhumane way. Just thinking about his murder made my blood boil! Despite this, Philip refused to discuss the subject.
I would gather up documents and such, studying over them attempting to come up with a suitable match for August. There weren’t many princesses around his age or of the right caliber that would suit him. It was hard work made even harder now that I had to do it completely alone as Senor Vargas was dead.
If I wasn’t working on that then I was attempting to help run state affairs or look after and teach my children the way of their royal life. It was tiring beyond belief, it matters were unhelped with me being kept up thinking and worrying for hours and hours each night. I would toss and turn unable to even consider the possibility of sleep. It made me look awful, my skin was sallow and pale I also had horrible wretched bags under my eyes that no amount of powder could fully cover up.
“You are making yourself ill Anna,” Giselle told me softly one day as I was caught dozing in my chair.
I flinched, pretending that I hadn’t. “I am not ill, there is no need to have any concerns about me. Seriously, I am perfectly well.” As if to counter my statement I had to stifle a tremendous yawn. But it was pleasantly warm, a hazy orange light was cast about the room in the late afternoon in a way that was ridiculously sleep inducing.
“You are stressing yourself out too much.”
“I need to keep myself busy.” I sighed after a while. “It is the only way-the only way that I can keep pushing onwards.” I rubbed my temples with my knuckles easing the pressure inside my skull. It was unhelpful that my hair was scraped into ungodly shapes on top of my head.
“Let Agate and me help you with your royal duties. You can trust us solely, you know that. Let us aid you.”
Biting my bottom lip nervously I rubbed my arms, glancing about, “I-I know that.” I nodded. “Yes, you two are my closest friends. Alright, I will allow you to help me. I have to go and get prepared,” I pushed heavily to my feet. “I-there’s a dinner on tonight.”
As I headed down to the meal I was met with the usual dark despised glowers that even when I couldn’t see I could feel piercing right into my very soul. Try as I might it was hard to ignore them, to shake the feeling of impending doom surrounded by them. They were like demons dressed in wigs and jewels that giggled and plotted against me behind intricate fans or goblets. It made it difficult to concentrate, I was failing at holding down a conversation with any of the diplomats or aristocrats that were there.
I kept taking my fan out, fanning myself. “My,” I puffed when I was receiving anxious glances, “It is awfully hot in here is it not?”
“Oh yes, yes,” Agate and Giselle jumped in loudly along with my other ladies. The poor aristocrats were perplexed, utterly bewildered by the whole ordeal.
“If you excuse me,” I spoke apologetically, scraping my chair back getting to my feet. “I do not feel well at all. I think I will retire to my chamber.”
“Shall I call for a doctor, my love?” Philip questioned as everyone got to their feet as well.
I held a hand up in protest, “No, no, I will take my ladies with me.” They got up and I rubbed my arms nervously, checking about the heavily guarded room, then, flagged by huge skirted women I retreated to the beloved safe place of my chamber.
Once there I dismissed them, got changed and went straight to bed but couldn’t possibly relax enough for sleep when I was aware that below me conspiracies and plans for my death were being made. Who knew when they were going to strike? The cowards would probably try to slay me in my sleep. Well I would not allow that to happen. There had to be some way that I could protect myself if an ambush occurred. Getting out of bed I began to search the room, pulling everything apart frantically hunting for a suitable weapon so I would not be slaughtered like some defenseless pig in my bed.
There came a knock at the door which I ignored until it became persistent. “My Lady?” Agate. What on earth did she want? Maybe to warn me against an attack. With that in mind I hurried over opening the door a crack.
“What is it?” I whispered intently. “They are coming for me aren’t they? They are. I knew it. I knew it!”
The slither of face that I could see of her appeared confused and aggrieved. “What are you talking about?”
“They’re coming!” I hissed. “I know this. I am going to find something to defend myself. Come help me.”
“Anna, will you please calm down? No one is coming after you. This is just your suspicious mind running circles around you.” Agate sounded absolutely terrified, whether she was frightened of me or the courtiers plotting against me I couldn't be sure of.
“No it is not, I can see it plastered in their eyes. They plan on killing me. They keep begging the King. Treason they call it. A grudge really...I cannot stay here chatting I have to find something-” I started to close the door but she shoved into it pushing me back, entering. “You plot with them!” I gasped. “I should have known.”
“No! No that is not the case at all. No one plots against you, I came because I heard commotion from outside and wanted to see if you were alright and evidently not. Shall I go fetch the King?”
“No!” I inhaled sharply then faltered. “Actually yes, go get him. I need to protect him as well, he is too trusting and easygoing around his disloyal subjects.”
“Anna they are not plotting against you. Please,” she hesitated tenderly, “You need to drop this matter and move forward. You will end up destroying yourself otherwise.”
“Perhaps that is their plan. I lose either way.” I huffed deflated in front of her, my muscles going weak from their taught panic-stricken hold while my heart still beat frail and frantically in my chest. “Or-or maybe they plan to distract me as such so that they can strike down my children!” My eyes widened in terror. “We must go and save them-”
“Stop,” she grabbed my arms tightly. “You need to move forward, this is not healthy.”
I snorted tearing free of her grip, “What would you know about any of this? You do not know what it is like for me. You have no idea, it is impossible for me to move forward when I can feel and hear them conspiring and conniving against me. It’s like their words are animals crawling under my skin and-”
“You need to rest. I do not remember the last time that you have had a decent night of sleep. Here, I’ll sit beside you until the King returns, how about that?” I stared at Agate for a long time until I yielded creeping towards my bed. She pulled a chair up right next to my head sitting down getting comfortable.
Agate sat there speaking quietly in a hushed lolled tone telling me about something one of her son’s did or describing some new dress she had or a gambling game she lost, anything and everything and eventually I dozed off to sleep. I awoke in the middle of the night, startled, gasping for breath as if I’d been suffocated. It was dark and Philip stirred from beside me.
“Anna?”
“What?” I was already out of bed, convinced that a noise had woken me up. “I think there are people outside. We-we should gather the children up and take them to safety. I knew they would plan an attack against me. Damn them all!”
Groggily he pushed himself into a sitting position. “What on earth are you going on about?”
I spun briefly, not taking in his dishevelled hair and exhausted eyes, “You cannot trust them Philip. I told you this time after time and you would not believe me but now I hear them coming to our chamber to butcher us as we sleep. Do you have a sword around?”
“You have truly lost your mind!” He sounded exasperated but stayed sat there in bed. It was bewildering and frustrating for me that he would act so careless and calm in a situation like this where we were surrounded by true danger! “Come back to bed at once, there is nothing out there.”
“Yes there is. Do you have a sword?”
“Yes but I am not telling you where it is. You would probably decapitate some servant.” He was shaking his head. “Come back to bed.”
I began searching hectically about the room which made Philip sigh as he heaved out of bed. “Philip, oh good, go and grab your sword.”
“No. Come-come here.” He held his arms out, folding my brittle, fraught body into them swaying me. “Nothing and no one is out there. We shall check if it will make you feel better.” So he went and flung open the door and bravely barked: "Hello? Is anyone there? Show yourself!” Dark and silence met him so he shut the door turning to smile at me. “There you have it, we are alone and it was simply a dream.”
“Oh Philip,” I threw my arms around him tightly as I burst into a flood of tears, “I think I am truly falling apart and it is terrifying. I am so dreadfully frightened.” He held me strong and securely in his arms, telling me that he would never allow any harm to come to either me or the children, that he would rather die himself than permit that to happen. He spoke so forcibly, so valiantly and sure of himself that it was difficult to doubt him.
******
Philip concluded that for my own mental sanity it would be better to send me off to my little escape house for a few weeks. It would also give him the chance to quieten the people who were barking for my trial for treason. How on earth he'd manage that only God knew! So I bundled up my closest ladies in waiting, allowing a few to stay behind and gathered my children taking them to the country escape where I could breathe slightly easier.
I still found myself pacing the house at night, checking out of all the windows to ensure that I would be one step ahead of some lynching bloodthirsty mob. It was dreadfully draining to be so anxious and worried all the time. It was a mighty burden upon me that took its toll. I began eating less, too tense to be able to cope with much, I slept little and prayed often. I tried to conjure up plans to get me back into the public’s good books but every idea I had seemed too pierced with great draining holes.
Still, I carried out my duties as Queen; signing documents and decrees and such. August and Philip –my child- had taken a great shine to horse riding, displaying a great passion for it and for many a morning I would go outside in the fresh air watching them gallop triumphantly across the field.
Agate and Giselle guided me towards flower arranging more and more as I often found it calming and relaxing on my mind. There was something so peaceful and innocent about it, not to mention that it was another way to spend some quality time with my daughters who enjoyed doing it with me. It was just that I had never thought that life could be so troubling and strenuous or that I would ever be so fearful and-and simply tired of it. The last bit scared me the most.