Slamming the door to the apartment, I stumbled over my suitcase I had been living out of for the past week and some odd days. I scooped up the majority of my things, ferociously throwing them into the suitcase where I never should have taken them out of.
"Nicole!" Matt screamed from down the hall. I could tell he was running and pretty soon he was slamming his fist on the other side of the door. "Damn it Nicole! Let me in!"
I scoffed, "don't you have a key?"
"I forgot it! Let me in! This is insane!"
"Huh, guess you can add forgetting your key to the list of moronic things you've done this week." I scrambled around the room, making sure I wasn't forgetting anything, before I zipped up my suitcase and opened the door. I tried to push past him, but he just picked me up and placed me back in the room. "Matt! Put me down! I mean it, this isn't funny, I'm not joking--"
"And you think I am? Nicole, we have to talk about this!" He shouted, taking my suitcase from me.
I grasped at it, but he threw it off the wall, the sound echoing in my head as tears built up in the corners of my eyes. "What the hell are you doing, you psycho!" I shrieked as he grasped onto my shoulders, trying to get me to look at him. "Get off! Stop it! Stop! I hate you!"
He stopped then, staring at me. Those words had never come out of my mouth before and, honestly, I never thought they would. We both froze then, staring at each other until tears started streaming down my cheeks.
"Matt . . . I can't . . . do this anymore."
He just kept staring at me, saying nothing.
"I have to go."
A tear slipped down his face as he took my hand in his. "Nicole . . . please . . . I--"
"I'm sorry Matt," I whispered, pulling the sparkly ring off of my finger, placing it in his hand, and closing it for him.
I left him standing there in the apartment as I wheeled my suitcase down the hallway, the echoes of his sobbing following me as I went.
. . . Eleven Days Earlier. . .
"I promise I'll be home around ten thirty tonight. We're getting everything done pretty fast tonight," Matt said on the other end of the phone. For the past three days that we've been here on set, the days and nights have all been a constant string of Matt waking up early in the morning to go to work and me, waiting in the apartment given to us. Sometimes I read, maybe watch a little TV, take a stroll around the town, do a little shopping, call my mom or Christina, but it's all the same. Waiting. All I do is wait. Wait for Matt to come home and then I'm counting down the minutes until he has to go back to work and I'm alone again.
"Nicole?"
"Oh, yeah. I can't wait. I'll be waiting for you."
"Good. I love you."
"I love you too. Hurry home."
And then I was waiting again. Alone. The phone rang not even seconds after I hung up with Matt.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Mrs. Palmer?" An unfamiliar voice spoke.
My heart skipped a beat when I heard those words. Pretty soon I would be Mrs. Palmer so I just went along with it.
"Yes, who is this?"
"I'm Karen Davis, Mathew's agent."
"Oh, hi, how are you?" I asked, a little confused as to why she was calling the apartment when I figured she should be calling Matt's cell phone.
"I'm good. Uh, I know I should be telling Matthew this, but it isn't something that should be said over the phone to him and I'm away at the moment. I figured you could tell him in person."
I started to panic a little. "What's going on?"
"I'm very sorry to tell you like this Mrs. Palmer, but Matthew's father, well adoptive father, died today from a heart attack."
. . .
When Matt got home I broke the news. I didn't know how to at first. I've never had to be in this situation before. I didn't know how to help him, how to comfort him. There was nothing I could do.
All he kept saying was, "I never spent enough time with him."
He went to bed early that night and when I woke up he was gone, already at work. They told him he didn't have to come in, but he wanted the distraction.
A few days past and Matt didn't mention it again. He went to work and came home, never speaking of anything else besides work. I was worried about him and how this would affect him, but he never would let me talk about it. He'd always change the subject, and he wasn't acting like himself. He called me earlier telling me he'd be home around ten thirty tonight . . . maybe tonight he would be.
Three hours past. It was ten fifteen. I started heating up the pasta I made last night for dinner, which Matt wasn't home for. I figured he'd be hungry after working all day.
Ten forty five.
Ten fifty three.
Eleven.
Eleven twenty four.
Eleven fifty two.
Matt walking through the door.
"Hey baby," he smiled, groggily walking over to me, kissing me, the smell of alcohol swirling around him.
I shoved him off of me. "Are you drunk?"
"Just a little. Some of the guys took me out after work," he shrugged. "Don't worry I didn't drive."
I scoffed. "Oh good. I'm glad you have fun with the guys!" I shouted.
"Nicole, don't be mad. It was just a one time thing. Won't happen again. Promise. Now, come on. Come to bed. I missed you," he smirked, taking my hand and leading me to the bed. He started kissing me, slipping his hands under my shirt.
"Hard day at the office?" I asked sarcastically.
He laughed. "You could say that."
"So you probably need your rest," I said. "I know what will help."
He pulled back and looked at me, questioning. "After sex massage?" He smiled, hoping.
"I was thinking sleep. On the couch. Go."
He didn't even try to argue with me. He just got up, stalked off to the couch and sighed loudly. I got under the covers, turning on my side, a sick feeling in my stomach. This week was really getting to me. It was the fourth time Matt came home later than he said, and the second time he came home reeking of alcohol. I know that it's the end of the movie and everyone has been celebrating and the news of his step father really took a toll on him, but this was getting a little out of hand. I was not looking forward to the talk with Matt tomorrow.
"Morning," I said, flatly as I scooped the pancake onto my plate.
Matt, slumped into the kitchen chair, rubbing his eyes and yawing. It was Saturday, the only day he had off this week. "What's for breakfast baby?"
"I'm having pancakes. You're welcome to make your own breakfast," I spat.
He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Okay. Let's hear it. Give it to me."
"I don't want to."
"What?" He gasped, shocked I wasn't yelling at him already.
I sighed. "Why should I even bother telling you why I'm upset or what you did wrong last night if you're just going to do it again tonight? There isn't any point."
"Nicole, come on. I'm sorry. Last night was my friends last day of shooting so we went out to celebrate. It won't--"
"It won't happen again? Yeah, I've heard that one before. And it will," I muttered, staring at my food as Matt stared at me.
He took my hand in his and kissed it. "I promise today we can go out and do something, just us. Anything you want," he smiled.
"Fine. We're going baby shopping for Christina and Evan."
He grunted, "Nicole--"
"Oh but you said anything," I winked.
We spent the whole day shopping for baby clothes and Matt hated every second of it. So naturally, I loved it. We went to lunch, the beach, back to the apartment to shower and then out for a nice dinner. It was the first time in a week that I finally felt like everything was going to be okay and things were back to normal. This movie schedule was just really taking a toll on me. But, pretty soon it would be over and Matt would have more free time.
Three days past and everything was great. Matt was home when he said he would be, we ate dinner together every night and I was finally feeling happy. This morning Matt was back at the set and I was left alone in the apartment. On the bright side, Matt said he'd be home early tonight. A few minutes later the phone rang and I was almost too excited to hear the voice of someone I knew.
"Hello?" I excitedly answered.
"Hey best friend! How long has it been? Feels like a year! How's the movie set? How's the movie coming along? Is it awesome?"
"Hey Christina. Relax, it's only been ten days. And that's a good thing because if it was a year then I would have missed the birth of my God-Daughter. Um, since I'm not allowed on set, I don't know how the set it, the movie is thankfully almost done, and it's . . . awesome," I lied.
There was a moment of silence on the other side. "You don't sound like yourself. Did you tell Matt yet? How'd he take it?"
"I didn't tell him--"
"Nicole Mullaney!"
"He's had a lot going on and I don't want to stress him out or worry him, plus I don't even know for sure--"
She jumped in with a few swears and some screeching until she calmed down. "Ugh, Nicole, seriously. This is more important than a movie. Hold on," she said and then away from the phone, "what? No! Evan just wait-- Nicole, I have to go. Evan's being stupid and needs my help. I'll call you back later. Tell Matt. Bye, I love you."
"Bye," I said, but she already hung up.
I spent the next few hours taking a shower, getting dressed, and cleaning up the apartment. I started making dinner around seven since Matt said he'd be home around eight tonight. About an hour later, I heard the keys jingling in the lock. He was home exactly when he said he would be.
A smile formed on my lips until the door opened and in walked a drunken looking Matt with his body guard helping him walk.
The smile fell from my face so quickly, I don't know how it was there at all before. I wanted to cry, slap him across the face, and give a sarcastic remark all at once, but there would be no point since he wouldn't remember it.
Matt's body guard placed him on the couch, drunk and passed out. I thanked him before he left, closing the door behind him. I walked over to the couch, slumping on the ground next to Matt's head.
I whispered, crying," Matt . . . I can't keep living like this. This isn't you. This isn't us. You have no idea what I'm going through." I wiped away the tears, getting up and walking to the bedroom.
"What you're going through?" I heard Matt mumble. "Don't be so selfish Nicole."
I could feel my blood boiling, the anger building inside me. I've been holding it in for so long. "Selfish? I'm being selfish?" I couldn't help but shout at him as I walked back over to the couch where he propped himself up on.
"Yeah, you are."
I started laughing hysterically. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know that leaving my family, my friends, my life, and coming here to live with you so that you can work was being selfish! Call me crazy, but I didn't know that waiting up for you every night, making dinner just to throw away, and putting up with your shit was being selfish!"
"And you don't think I don't have enough shit to deal with? My father is dead, Nicole. Dead. He's not coming back and I can't do anything about it."
"You'd think that would make you appreciate life and the relationships you have with people more because of that. But I guess you don't care. And you haven't cared for a long time now."
"Nicole--"
I put my hand up, looking at the floor. "No. Don't. Don't talk to me," I said, walking to the bedroom.
"Nicole I--"
"Just leave me alone. Shouldn't be that hard since I'm so selfish." I stomped off, slamming the door behind me.
The next morning Matt was gone already. I decided I couldn't spend another waking moment in the apartment. Sometimes it felt like the walls were closing in on me and I just had to get out. Today was one of those days. I spent the whole day walking around, not seeing, not hearing, but thinking. I found myself on the beach, sitting on the white sand, gazing at the sunset as it hit the ocean.
I sighed to myself, sinking into the sand. I felt lost. I was so far from the person I was only eleven short days ago. Coming here I thought I had everything lined up. I had a man who loved me and pretty soon we'd be married. My life looked so perfect. Now, I don't even know what tonight would bring.
The sun was completely vacant from the sky now. Everything was black, the stars weren't even shinning. I guess now was a good a time as any to go back to the apartment. The entire walk back I kept thinking about what I'd say to Matt. How we'd work through this, how we'd get past it. My heart skipped as I opened the door to the apartment and saw Matt sitting there on the couch, face as white as a ghost, but still angry.
"Where the hell have you been?" He asked sternly, standing up with his arms crossed.
I glared at him. "Out."
"Out?" He spat.
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, out."
"I've been calling you for hours! Why weren't you answering?"
I smirked. "Doesn't feel so good does it? Being ignored?"
"Oh please," he rolled his eyes. "I didn't answer you a week ago because I was in business meetings."
"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about now. You've been ignoring me the entire time we've been here, putting work first. I don't think you've asked even once how my day was or how I'm feeling! But God forbid I sound selfish!" I shouted, walking out the door. He followed me.
I didn't know where to go so I just walked out side to the back of the building where no one was.
"Nicole! Stop it! Where are you going?" He shouted, following right behind me.
I spun around to face him. "I don't know! Okay, I don't know! I don't know where to go or what to do or what to say. Because lately Matt, I don't feel like myself. I thought this week would be fun, we'd spend alone time together, I'd see you work and what you love to do, but you had different plans. Going out drinking every night and coming home drunk won't solve your problems Matt."
He took my hands in his and rested his head against mine. "I know, but this is really hard for me to deal with. I don't know what to do anymore."
"Why don't you come to me! I'll help you. What ever you were dealing with you could have come to me! But you didn't. You turned to alcohol and parties."
His head snapped up and he stared at me.
"Did you not think I'd see you in the tabloids? You're everywhere right now. And not for anything good. This isn't you Matt. And I can't keep doing this. I can't keep wondering when you'll come home or if you'll come home." I could feel the tears building up now.
He didn't even look at me when he spoke. "Well . . . I don't know what to tell you right now. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. This guilt I have inside me of how I treated him."
"Don't you see? I'm not the selfish one. You are. Even after everything I just said, you're still going to deal with this on your own and not talk to me about it. You can't even say the word 'father' you keep referring to him as 'him'. I'm trying so hard to help you Matt and to keep this relationship working, but I don't know how to do it alone." I couldn't hold it in any longer, the tears were spilling out now.
His face changed from angry to apologetic and he raised his arms to comfort me but put them back at his side. "I don't know what to say Nicole. I don't know about any of it."
I looked at him long and hard for a few moments, debating on if I should tell him now or ever. I was just about to open my mouth when he spoke.
He looked angry now, his expression was so different than from a few seconds ago. "You know what, this isn't my fault. It isn't my fault that he died. It isn't my fault at how I'm handling this, I don't know how to handle this! You didn't have to come Nicole. You chose to, I didn't make you so don't put that on me," he huffed, his face hard.
I glared at him for a second and then finally let it out. "I took a pregnancy test a few days ago."
I saw all of the anger vanish from his face as he reached out for my hand, but I pulled away. I just stared at him, a disgusted look on my face. He seemed like less of a man to me now, not owning up to any of it. He wasn't acting like the man I fell in love with. I didn't know this boy.
"Nicole-- I . . . I didn't-- what are you going to do?"
My mouth fell open and I was astonished. "Well I wasn't too sure earlier, but you just made my decision very clear."
"Your decision to do what?"
"To do it on my own. Because as you so nicely pointed out, this is something that I have to do alone now."
He stared at me wide eyed and scared, not saying anything at all. The color drained from his face and he just stood there, mouth agape. I turned from him, tears streaming down my cheeks as I fled to the apartment.
Slamming the door to the apartment, I stumbled over my suitcase I had been living out of for the past week and some odd days. I scooped up the majority of my things, ferociously throwing them into the suitcase where I never should have taken them out of.
"Nicole!" Matt screamed from down the hall. I could tell he was running and pretty soon he was slamming his fist on the other side of the door. "Damn it Nicole! Let me in!"
I scoffed, "don't you have a key?"
"I forgot it! Let me in! This is insane!"
"Huh, guess you can add forgetting your key to the list of moronic things you've done this week." I scrambled around the room, making sure I wasn't forgetting anything, before I zipped up my suitcase and opened the door. I tried to push past him, but he just picked me up and placed me back in the room. "Matt! Put me down! I mean it, this isn't funny, I'm not joking--"
"And you think I am? Nicole, we have to talk about this!" He shouted, taking my suitcase from me.
I grasped at it, but he threw it off the wall, the sound echoing in my head as tears built up in the corners of my eyes. "What the hell are you doing, you psycho!" I shrieked as he grasped onto my shoulders, trying to get me to look at him. "Get off! Stop it! Stop! I hate you!"
He stopped then, staring at me. Those words had never come out of my mouth before and, honestly, I never thought they would. We both froze then, staring at each other until tears started streaming down my cheeks.
"Matt . . . I can't . . . do this anymore."
He just kept staring at me, saying nothing.
"I have to go."
A tear slipped down his face as he took my hand in his. "Nicole . . . please . . . I--"
"I'm sorry Matt," I whispered, pulling the sparkly ring off of my finger, placing it in his hand, and closing it for him.
I left him standing there in the apartment as I wheeled my suitcase down the hallway, the echoes of his sobs following me as I went.
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I can't wait to hear what you guys think about this chapter! Please let me know!
xoxo kristina