Three days later I was trying on different shoes with my ladies when yells from somewhere in the palace made us freeze before staring at each other. I felt sickness travel to the pit of my stomach. I kicked off the stupid heels and stepped back into my own pale green ones, “what was all that commotion?”
“You should wait up here Anna,” Giselle warned as Agate briskly walked towards the door. “It might not be suitable for you to go down.” They were having a mutiny, they were going to storm up here and behead me where I stood!
“Where are my children?” I asked hysterically as Agate left to see what was happening. “Where are they?” I demanded. “I need to know. Are they safe?”
“Yes, yes, they are in their chamber.” Giselle explained and without hesitation I stormed through the secret wall that was wallpapered to look inconspicuous and I clicked up the stairs and burst into their nursery room. The wet nurse was feeding Henry and got to her feet although I held a hand up to stop her.
“Oh thank God,” I put a hand to my heart as I scooped as many of them as I could into an embrace. “You stay up here do you understand?”
“Is it to do with all that shouting, mama?” Maria asked.
Not wanting to lie to them yet not wanting to frighten them I bent the truth, “yes, they were shouting and I want you up here out of the way as they are grumpy and we would not want them to shout at you would we?” I kissed their heads and got to my feet again. “I will go and tell them to take their quarrels elsewhere, yes?” My children cheered as if I were heading into some valiant battle. I smiled at little Henry although he was obviously occupied so I slipped away back to my ladies again.
Nervously I rubbed my arms and checked about the room. When Agate came back her cheeks were rosy but her eyes were dark. She was shaking her head, “I am sorry Anna, I am so sorry.”
“What!” I demanded. “What is it? Pray tell.”
“Senor Vargas...” She shook her head heavily. "He has-I...Rosanna there is something-" Everything stopped for a moment as my stomach filled up with sick and grief. I didn't need Agate stood there stumbling over words for me to understand what was happening. Everything began revolving again and I breathed out shakily, “Maybe you should sit down-”
“How can I sit when there is so much to do? Something bad has happened and it is my job to help him!” I began to barrel towards the door but Agate stopped me.
“You-I-he has-you cannot go after him, Anna.”
“Pray tell me what has happened, dear friend?” I wailed softly.
“I-all-there was-there was a lot of blood,” Agate told me shakily, “I don't think My Lady would like to no any more.”
“Senor Vargas is injured? After all the good and greatness he has done for our country? This is some warped version of justice I tell you that now.” I twitched in some form of shocked frenzy.
Agate pulled me into an embrace that I did not return but she used it as a chance to whisper in my ear, “It will be alright, you have to focus on your children and your own reputation now.”
I shoved her in the chest hard so that she would get away from me, "You already tell me to move on. Agate, I thought better of you.” I went to go passed her but upon grabbing the handle realised that I was no longer capable of walking around down there alone. I faced her, “I am sorry. I should not have pushed you and I should not have snapped. Sorry. Will you all please accompany me to the King’s study?” Agate and Giselle thankfully walked with their shoulders pushed against my own. My ladies followed somberly behind, showing strength and solidarity towards their Queen. However, I didn't lead them to the study like I first planned, curiosity and fear drove me to search for Senor, to see if I could help in any way.
It was his study. Of course it was. The man spent most of his free time there, innocently absorbing himself in literature. There were guards outside but strangely they did not stop me as I lurched forward into the study. The stench of blood hit me first followed by the bitter aftermath of death. In the shadowy light I saw his mutilated body, smothered in blood with wounds all over his torso. "What is she doing in here?" A high ranking guard barked. "Get her out." The damage was done, I was dragged out of the room in silent horror where I then gripped Agate's arms, staring mortified into her sorrow filled stare.
"Come on," she whispered in a hushed tone, leading me on, "come on Anna, I'll take you to the King."
Upon passing snarling and smirking courtiers who whispered and muttered snide comments like: “Sad your lover’s gone?” And ridiculous things like that, I found my eyes welling up. Philip was in his study talking to his adviser who I narrowed my eyes at. He was dismissed, walking smugly passed me as I closed the door sharply on his tail. “Philip-”
“Please do not start, my darling.” He cut across as he slowly paced towards me. “I did what I did and it is what it is. My, you look remarkably well so soon after bearing us another son."
I stared, pale faced and open mouthed in pure horror at his casual manner, at how easily he could brush this off. This was far worse than a slight misjudgement. A life had been ended! “Are you sure that he is yours?” I snapped unable to control my anger any longer. He became taken aback. “After all, the only reason why Senor Vargas has been butchered is because he is supposedly my lover and is giving me bastard children. You obviously ordered it so you must believe it too. August is not the Dauphin then?”
He sucked in a breath, annoyance drifting across his features and settling there. “You want to go into this?” I stood tall and adamant. “You really want me to tell you why I allowed that to happen to him?”
“Yes!” I snapped, the air was hard to reach my lungs as my chest heaved up and down rapidly.
“Fine,” he retorted, quite clearly fuming as well. “I wanted him out of the picture! It will be far easier to solve the problem by taking away one of the accused and since you are not disposable to me I must get rid of him and we will lift this stigma from your head. I did it for you, Anna.”
Astounded, I was astounded. “Since I am not disposable to you? I am not a piece in your game of chess! Neither is Senor Vargas! He is a human being and we both know that he is an innocent one at that. Was." I corrected myself with a saddened voice. "He was those things. Before your men stabbed him like he was a pin cushion! He was innocent and you will be condemned by God for killing an innocent being.” I trembled in rage and grief as tears carved down my cheeks.
Philip slapped me hard around the face. I cupped my raw, stinging cheek with a sharp intake of breath. “I was chosen by God to be King. How dare you tell me what will happen to me? I am KING and I will not be damned by you. Know your place and get out of my study.” I straightened up, I must have had a red handprint across my face.
“I thought we worked together.”
“You are not King or God so therefore I do not have to answer to you.” He snarled. I left and as soon I was alone with my ladies I cried and cried. What was there to do? I still feared for myself and that of my children so stationed guards outside of their nursery to give me some peace of mind. Philip was cruel and not the man that I had fallen in love with all those years ago. He had changed and not for the better.
I was crying with my face in my hands when my ladies stirred, sniffing I raised my head up to see a stunned August stood there beside Louis. “Boys.” I cooed softly wiping at my eyes. I held my arms open and they came and hugged me very tightly. They'd never know how much I needed them right then.
“What is wrong mama?” August asked when he pulled away.
“Nothing, my love. Nothing at all. My emotions after giving birth are still all over the place.”
“He hit you.” August cut across my babbling lies. “Papa hit you didn’t he?”
I bit my lip before nodding. “Yes he did. When you get married I want you to vow to me that you will never hurt your wife no matter how infuriating she becomes. Never, do you hear me? You must never, it is unforgivable and inexcusable.”
“I am not like that.” August told me curtly.
“Neither am I.” Louis piped in.
I kissed both of their foreheads. “Good. Treat others how you would like to be treated. What was it that you wanted?”
“To see if the shouting people had gone away.” Louis gave me a half smile.
“Yes, my love, they have.” I smiled through the tears at him.
******
Three days later I sat in the throne room in my throne beside Philip and it was tremendously difficult not to burst out into floods of tears. Some nothing man gettied tried for some little thing that I cared nothing about. What mattered when innocent men were slashed from life while innocently and unprepared reading? Reading! Senor Vargas was too tame for those lies to ever be anywhere near truth! I despised all those involved with his murder and muddying his name. "I suppose you are not talking to me anymore are you?" Philip had mused as we sat awkwardly opposite each other at a ball that had untimely clashed with Senor's killing. People were using it as an excuse to celebrate. I would not have attended but it would only make matters worse.
It was awful having to sit silently when the room was swarming with these creatures. Lies lies lies, I was surrounded by filthy unholy liars and it was sickening.
I had four guards stood near me at my request as being shut in a room with all these diabolical liars was frightening. I kept sending private prayers up to the Saints begging for Senor to be safe on the other side. He would not be meeting his murderers again, they could ask for forgiveness all they liked but they would end up in hell. There was no other way around it.
“Anna?" My eyes obediantly rested upon Philip's but there was no emotion there. What emotion I felt was thrashing around in my heart and soul as I silently mourned desperately over Senor Vargas. I kept picturing his poor mangled body, carelessly destroyed on his study floor. A small sob lurched up my throat involuntry, out of the corner of my eye Philip's head snapped in my direction. "You are not fine are you?"
"I am perfectly fine, thank you My Lord." I answered a little testily as I fought for emotional control.
The music was light, upbeat, joyous in its sound and everywhere I looked people were laughing and joshing with one another so selfishly absorbed in living right here and now. It struck me then that I had a way of feeling grief in such a deep, endless kind of way that was quite unlike everyone else and I did not know how to make of that news. I had to remain stony faced.
Philip, sitting comfortably and appearing slightly bored by the whole ordeal, watched on at the dancers in their large heavy costumes prancing about playing a flirtatious game of courtly love. I wanted to scream at these low lives, wanted to demand that they have respect for a man that has been a great asset in running their country for the past fourteen years. Instead I was made to sit there in silence. I watched as a pretty girl caught his eye and he got up, bee lining straight for her.
When I was up in my quarter I went ballistic with rage, so entirely consumed by it as I threw everything around, smashing it all up. Agate came and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, resting her cheek on top of my head and saying nothing, offering everything I needed just by her presence. “This cannot go unpunished.” I rasped after a long time. “I will have my revenge.”
“No,” Agate came and crouched down in front of me. I stared, open mouthed incredulously at this hypocrite. “Have we not learned already that revenge only brings us heartache and guilt?”
“Surely it is satisfying for a while. I feel as though I may suffocate under all this silence I am forced to endure.”
“I beg you Anna as your closest, dearest and most loyal friend to not seek revenge. You will only live to regret it. Think of your children. They need you here to protect them.” I nodded slowly. She was right. Rubbing my arms I checked about the room, sure that there was someone lurking around, eavesdropping on things to aid my demise.
******
Two days later I was stood regal like beside Philip as noblemen and women came to greet us and compliment us and whatever it was that they did. He tried to lace his fingers with mine subtly but I clenched my hand up in disgust, not wanting any unity with the horrendous sin he commanded upon.
“We both know that it is too late.” He whispered barely moving his lips. "There is nothing left to do but let it go and move on." My bottom lip quivered as I struggled with my overwhelming surge of emotions. Philip looked at me sternly, “it is all over and done with now.”
“You know I will never forgive you for this great act of sin.” I hissed in his ear before turning on my heel and walking away. The further away from him I was the better. When I was in the safety of my own company I curled into as small of a ball as I could and sobbed my poor heart out, the man had been like a Padre to me.
I regained my composure and went to see my children. They were of paramount importance to me, hopefully with the rumour quenched I could focus on them and their importance to the French monarchy. I wanted August to have more power and control seeing as he was the Dauphin.
******
A few weeks later I was just getting into bed I heard the King come in. I listened from behind the curtains patiently as he was undressed as well. The door closed at some point and he came over to the bed and drew back the drapes at his end. This was the first time since Vargas’s execution that I hadn’t pretended to be asleep when he came in. He was shocked and my heart was pounding nervously. “Thought you would be asleep.” He remarked.
“I couldn’t drift off.” I raised a shoulder disinterestedly.
I nestled back into the bed and pulled my covers almost protectively around me. Philip stared at me and then lay down on his side. “I know that recently you have been upset with me but I really hope that we can put this behind us.”
“Yes,” I gave a small nod. “I think that we should do that.”
“I did it for you Anna," his voice was strained with imploring emotion. "Now no one can demand for you to be put on trial for treason. Do you not see? I solved the problem." I sniffed, not trusting myself enough to speak. Philip sighed heavily, "You have been spending an awful lot of time with our children.”
“They have needed me more at this troubling time.”
It went quiet. “I have needed you too.”
After a second I rolled over so that I was facing him, he was staring up intently. I was confused. “You-you have needed me?” He caused all of this!
He turned to face me and his eyes were full of earnest and longing. “Of course I have. You have no idea how sorry I am about everything. I cannot please everyone at the same time no matter how hard I try. Anna you are my love, my life, my home and nothing or nobody would ever compare to you.”
I took a deep breath in and shuffled closer, realising that if I didn't let this go and cooperate with him then my life would get very nasty very quickly. So taking his arm in my hands I kissed his beautiful flesh. “I love you Philip, I want our family to be safe and thrive. That is all I want. Like August, I want him to start taking on some minor roles and responsibilities. People have to start recognising him as the Dauphin, someone of power and authority.”
“Yes, yes,” he nodded closing his eyes as he enjoyed my kisses. It felt like it had been far too long since we had last been passionate and intimate with one another. “I will start sorting all that out as soon as possible. I have missed you Anna. I have missed your touch so miserably.” I moved even closer and now my lips were sending soft, tender thrills along his neck.
“Philip,” I murmured on his skin. “Philip I need you. Will you lie with me? Please?” I moved myself so that I was lying on top of him, pulling my hair all over one shoulder, I traced my fingers along his shoulders as I squeezed my thighs against his hips.
As we made love to one another he laced his fingers with mine and kissed mine, holding them to his mouth. Being with him like this was like being let out of a coffin that I had been trapped in for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to be able to fully breathe out until now.
******
Three months later I was pregnant again and although I was stressed terribly with court life which was as ever gloomy and disappointing as well as scary as I was constantly under a thunder cloud of threat and possible treason. My children’s legitimacy was constantly under questioning and gossiping. It would have been completely unbearable if it had not been for my ladies in waiting –minus Cécile- and my husband and of course children.
I had guards employed outside of rooms that I went in for fear that I would be bombarded by disloyal subjects screaming for my head. Some days I honestly thought that it would happen. I was all surprised going to bed when it hadn’t happened.
Cécile came into the room that my ladies and I had been in and she looked very red in the face. I furrowed my brows at her, popping some chocolate in my mouth and savoring the melting flavour. “Where have you been?”
She pulled a strange face that I did not trust, “I was walking in the gardens, My Lady.”
“Why are you all flushed?” Agate piped in.
Cécile shot her an almost pleading look, “I do not know. It must have been sharper out there than what I thought.”
“Well,” I waved at her, “come on in and take a seat. You standing there is making the place look untidy.”
“Yes, Madame.” She nodded her head and sat at the table where a game of cards was taking place. “May I join?” My attention returned to my small bump and the odd flutters that I felt inside. Sometimes it felt like I had morphed into some kind of baby making machine.
After growing bored of staying cooped inside that room all morning I excused myself from my ladies and went off to see Philip. Our relationship had picked up again even if my relationship and respect amongst the courtiers felt as though it was forever plummeting. I rubbed my arms and held myself carefully as I anxiously walked down the hallways and corridors. The other day I had sat for three days for a solo painting and then a month before that Philip and I had one together. It was a splendid masterpiece, I was looking so hopefully and adoringly at him.
I slipped inside his study and he grinned as his eyes moved up to meet mine. “My darling!” He beamed getting to his feet. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
I kissed his lips and peered about the room ignoring his furrowing frown. “I longed for those eyes.” I smiled half heartedly. Truthly, wherever the King was a lot of guards were not too far away and that thought was to no end reassuring. If I were to be attacked as I was always expecting then they would all jump to my defence.
“And I your lips.” He swept me into his arms, probably choosing to be obtuse about my poor lie and planted kiss upon kiss on my mouth.
When he released me I headed over to his papers and skimmed through them as he trailed his fingers along my dips and curves distractingly. “You burden yourself with far too much work, my love.” I muttered. “This is too much for one man to take on even one as beautifully magnificent as you. You must allow our sons to take some of the load for you.”
He spoke with his chin on my shoulder, “they are still children, let them play while they can.”
“How will they ever learn to fill the shoes of a King?”
He chuckled then and moved me to face him, looping his arms around me. “Only one of them will become King, my sweet. August. He already has responsibilities, Louis is not capable of taking on too much anyhow…And Philip,” he cut over me, “Philip and Henry are far too young. Put trust and faith into my decisions my lovely lovely wife.”
******
I spent an increasing amount of time in my chamber, I complained that I had backache from the pregnancy but in truth it frightened me to think of wandering around down there with the vultures and pests as I was becoming ever vulnerable and so was my unborn child. I would not allow the stress of the rumours and lies snatch another one of my children. The sorrow and loss would be far too much than I was able to deal with.
I had one guard stationed outside my chamber but by my fifth month into my pregnancy I had three. I was so distrusting of everyone. My thirtieth Birthday was in short sight as well although I was not thinking about that. I sent often frantic letters to Josepha, living for her replies while in the mean time craning my neck to always glance over my shoulder, watching my back.
“I miss you so dearly, sister.” I wrote in one of them. “You cannot possibly comprehend the tension and pressure of the atmosphere that I have to endure here day in and day out. Although I am sure that you are quite aware that their malice driven lies created the axe that killed our dear Senor Vargas.”
In a darker one of my letters I told her of my desperation and uneasiness that only ever grew. “Sometimes it is like ice slithering down my back, their eyes Josepha, their eyes are pressed up against me constantly and there is no escape. I have prayed but praying does me no good. Sometimes I think that I should take their threats away from them and play God for myself but then I remember that I have my beautiful children and my unborn one to consider and I feel sick for even considering it. Children need their mothers. I then pictured Philip’s face and although he has terrible moods which I must admit I often retaliate I know that his eyes match the colour of my soul. He is the one for me, Josepha, as I often think that Nikola is for you and I could not allow his eyes to cloud with the grief or agony that my death would bring. Sometimes it feels like a solution but it is not. It cannot be when I have so much to live for. My children need me to protect and guide them, like a lioness. My husband needs me to complete the other half of his heart as I him. You understand what I am saying do you not my sweetest sister?”
Agate dragged me out of my chamber and took me outside to visit my children which always brightened my day. I would sit and talk and talk to them, just listening to their funny little ideas or things that they had picked up on. Wonderful. The awe I was in of my children was indescribable.
When I was inside my quarters as I was beginning to do again more and more I was being taught by a professional how to flower arrange. It was very interesting to do and every so often I would allow Maria to come in and help me too. She liked flowers, she was extraordinarily good at recalling a lot of their names in Latin and in French. I was very impressed by her.
“Agate,” I beckoned her to one side, “I think that we should have guards escort us all everywhere we go. Including inside Versailles.”
She was shaking her head, “you have enough stationed around as it is. Do you not feel as though you are under house arrest?”
“No!” I spluttered. “They make me feel safer. I think I will ask for that.” I added thoughtfully. I longed to go and see an opera again but I had long since stopped my beloved visits to Paris, the very notion of returning there was frightening beyond measure to me now. I would surely be mobbed or lynched and it made me sick to think of what would happen to my children if I was with them. I permitted them to go to Paris plays and operas with other adults but not with me. It was too dangerous for me.