[Mistake (noun)- an action or judgement that is misguided or wrong]
Everyone makes mistakes.
Mistakes are a part of life. They make you stronger. They teach you something. When you make a mistake, you learn something about yourself that you never could have guessed.
Some people make many mistakes, some few. Some mistakes are large and unforgivable, some minuscule and gone the next day, and some are somewhere in between.
Some people see their mistakes and some are completely blind. Some just don't want to face their mistakes. Or the people they effect.
I made a mistake.
I know that now. I've known since that night. Since the moans began to fade into the terrified silence of regret. Since our bare skin rubbing against each other became an awkward space between us, much like a barrier. Since the smell of intimacy turned into the smell of betrayal.
How could I have let this happen? All I had needed was a shoulder to cry on and now that shoulder to cry on was the reason for my tears. I felt the panic rise in me and I brought myself out of the bed.
"Oh my god, what did we just do?" I said as I found my clothes that had been thrown all over the room.
"Y/N, no one can know about this." he sounded calm but I know deep down he was just as panicked as I was. I was silent, apparently for too long because his next words were much more aggressive. "Did you hear me? I said no one can know! Not your best friend, or your mom, not even your fucking therapist! And certainly not him."
"I can't keep this from him. He deserves to know." I mumble under my breath, hoping he didn't hear.
"Of course he deserves to know but do you know what the consequences will be? You'll lose him. I'll lose him. And if he doesn't trust me what do you think that will do to the team? You don't know how he'll react. He could go nuts and lose his job!" The panic is beginning to show, getting more and more evident as he spoke.
"But that's worst case scenario!" I shot back, looking for a loop hole. There's no way I could keep this from him. He means too much to me.
"Worst case scenario is still a scenario, Y/N. And that's a chance we can't be willing to take." I stayed silent again. "Promise me you won't tell anyone, especially him."
"I promise." I replied, meekly. I wasn't sure if I was telling him the truth, but I figured he wouldn't let me leave without that promise anyway.
So I left, feeling like a terrible human being, which I was. And I cried myself to sleep that night, hoping I would wake up and it could all just be a terrible dream.
~
It had been a week since my mistake. I hadn't spoken to him since.
Andre was coming home that day. He had been in Sweden visiting his family for 2 weeks. Hockey season was over.
His arrival was bittersweet. I was beyond enthusiastic to see him, but I knew the secret I held would find a way to force itself out of my throat and into his ears. I could picture the gears turning in his brain as he tried to process the news. Just thinking about it made me ill.
It was 3 in the afternoon. His flight didn't get in until 6, so I locked myself in the bathroom and cried until tears could no longer be produced. I hoped that drying myself up would keep me from bursting into tears later. I couldn't cry in front of him because then he would ask me what was wrong. I wouldn't be able to lie. Not to him. So it would be better if he never had a reason to ask.
He texted when he landed. Getting his bags and an uber made the 10 minutes from Reagan National to our apartment more like 20 minutes. A part deep inside of me was thankful for that. When he walked in the door it took everything in me not to cry. Not to just break down right in front of him. We hugged and said "I missed you" until it no longer held a meaning, just a shout into the void. We made his mother's Swedish meatballs. We laughed and talked about the stupidest things and he told me stories about his family. He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me and each time he kissed me and each time he whispered "I love you" into the silence of the apartment, it got harder and harder to keep my mistake from him. But, I held my own.
Until he got down on his knee and pulled out a ring.
"Y/N, will you make me the happiest Swede in the world and marry me?" He looked at me with that goofy smile and those big brown eyes and everything I was told not to do disappeared. I couldn't marry him until he knew. And if knowing what I did means I'd lose him forever, that's a risk I was willing to take.
"Andre, please get up. Please put that away." I begged and pleaded, tears spilling from my eyes.
"You don't want to marry me?" He was devastated, but no one could prepare him for what was coming.
"Of course I do," I hesitated, the glimmer of hope in his eyes breaking me into a million pieces. "But, I have to tell you something and I don't think you'll want to marry me when I tell you." I could barely get the words out through the tears.
"Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me and I'll help you through it." He said, pulling me into his strong arms. We walked to the couch and i sat with my legs crossed, facing him. He held my hands in his. I took a deep, shaky breath before it burst out of me like word vomit.
"I slept with Latts." I looked him in the eyes and I could see his whole world crumbling and evaporating into nothing. He let go of my hands and turned away from me, staring out the window, refusing to look anywhere near me.
"Why." I heard him mutter softly, broken and cold. It wasn't even a question, but rather a demand.
"You left me. You went to Sweden to be with your family and, and you refused to take me with you." I began the story, trying to not cry too much so I could get through it.
"I felt unwanted and like I wasn't good enough to meet your family and I kept hearing your voice in my head yelling at me when we fought about it saying that you didn't want me to meet them. And then I thought about after we made up. When we were intimate and you held me until I fell asleep. And I felt lonely because I didn't have you next to me every night. You weren't there to kiss me goodnight or hold me in your arms. My thoughts that night were terrifying. If I couldn't find company the night it happened I probably would have hurt myself. So, I called him. And I went to his apartment and we had some beers and we, we watched The Big Bang Theory and we talked about what was going on and why I was so desperate to hang out and then we drank some more and the next thing I knew I was naked and in his bed and when I realized what we had done I wanted to crawl in a hole and die because I knew how much it would hurt you. And I've cried myself to sleep every night since knowing that I might be losing you."
My face was completely soaked now, even my forehead was wet from trying to wipe away the tears. He still hadn't looked at me. He hadn't said anything. He wasn't even crying, just staring blankly out the window. I had broken him, and that's what I was afraid of. What Latts had warned me about the night it happened.
"I would give everything to take it back and I understand if you never want to see me again. Just say the word and I'll pack my stuff and go." He still didn't say anything. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. I stared at him searching for some sort of sign that he wasn't completely gone, but he did nothing but stare at the cars on the street and the lights from other apartments and businesses. Watching traffic lights change and people crossing the street. Until after about 5 minutes, when he finally spoke.
"I'm going to get drunk. I'll stay in a hotel or call one of the guys, I don't know. But, I'd appreciate if you and your stuff weren't here when I got back." He said coldly, still not looking down at me. He grabbed his keys and slipped on his shoes and then disappeared, leaving me to cry and pack and find a hotel to stay in until I found somewhere to live.
I got an angry phone call from Michael, telling me I was a selfish bitch and that Andre will never speak to him again. It made me cry more.
I left at around 2am, taking all but one of our printed pictures, for safe keeping, and leaving behind nothing but the remaining photo booth strip from our first date, my keys to the apartment, and a note that read:
Andre,
I'm sorry it had to end this way. I'm sorry that I'm such a shitty person and that of all the people in the world, it had to be your best friend, your teammate. I'm sorry for my insecurities and that they aided in our downfall. I'm sorry that I destroyed one year, eleven months, three weeks, two days, and twenty-three hours of the most amazing relationship EVER. I'm sorry that I loved you too much to be without you for two weeks, but not enough to say no to him. And I'm so gut-wrenchingly sorry for hurting you. For letting you fall so hard for such a shit person. A mistake can be big or small, but mine was big enough to fill galaxy upon galaxy upon galaxy. I will never be able to take what I did back and I will never forgive myself. For hurting you, for ruining your friendship with Michael, for breaking your trust, and most of all, for believing that there was anyone that could fix me the way you always did. I love you, always and forever. I hope your life is beautiful and that you can be happy someday. And I hope that what I did doesn't keep you from following your heart and loving someone again.
Med all min kärlek , Y/N
(A/N: I believe that is Swedish for "all my love")
~
4 months later
I found an apartment across town, it was a decent size but I'm on a teacher's salary so it was nowhere near as nice as the apartment we had shared. I still thought of him. All the time. I've seen him around town, we still like to go to the same places. But, I'm always too scared to even let him see me. Or maybe I'm scared that he has moved on and found someone better. So when I see him, I duck down or turn away so he can't see that it's me. Sometimes I'll walk down an alley way and out the other side to avoid him. It's stupid, I know. But, after what I did, could you really blame me for being terrified to see him again?
I was meeting a good friend at a small coffee shop in town, Northside Social. She was running late so I just sat there. I wasn't really drinking coffee anymore.
Northside Social is about 4 minutes from Kettler. I hoped and prayed that there was no morning skate today because this is where Andre and Tom liked to come for coffee after practices. Of course all of the luck I'd had in avoiding him finally ran out.
"Y/N?" I heard his beautiful, thick, Swedish accent and it made my stomach churn and my heart skip a beat. I looked up and saw him standing in front of me, squinting through the shining sun.
"Andre," I smiled up at him, hoping he would smile back, which he did. "It's been a while."
"Yeah, it definitely has." There was a silence. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable either. "Did you not order anything yet?" He asked, gesturing to the empty table.
"Oh no. I'm just waiting for a friend. I actually don't drink coffee anymore. Or wine. Or anything alcoholic at all."
"Really? How long has that been going on?" He asked innocently. He was still standing, obviously not wanting to ask to sit or whatever.
"About four months. It's a bit complicated." Then he finally decided to sit down. A gasp caught in my throat as he grabbed my hands, like he had before I told him what happened.
"I've missed you. So much. I keep re-reading the note you left for me and staring at the pictures from our first date. And my bed feels so empty without you. I feel empty without you." I stared at him, speechless. What does one say to a confession like that? He kept going, "And I know we have problems to work out but I just need to be with you again." For the first time in 4 months, I cried happy tears.
"Andre, I missed you too. So much. But, there's one more thing I have to tell you before this conversation goes any farther." He looked at me confused, so I stood up, making it abundantly clear. His jaw dropped as he saw my baby bump. He stood from the chair.
"Is it mine? Or Michael's?" He asked, not sure of his feelings either way.
"She's yours. I'm exactly a week too far along for her to be anyone else's." I smiled at him. He reached his hand out and felt my stomach gently.
"When did you find out?"
"About a week after I left. I was so concerned with everything that happened I didn't realize I'd missed a period. I went to the doctor the next day to make sure." I put my hand over his, smiling at the ground.
"I know we're starting over again and it may be a bit too soon, but I want you to come back to the apartment. I want to take care of you and our baby." I didn't say anything, I just nodded and then he kissed my forehead.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be forgiven for their mistakes, but I was. I couldn't be more grateful.