This chapter contains a rather depressing (but absolutely beautiful) song. Please listen and enjoy!-the best part of the song is just before three minutes-
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CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I sat in the waiting room of the hospital. Luke on one side of me and Paul on the other, but I felt so alone, I felt so useless. I could have prevented this, if I would have just swallowed my pride and took him back. If I wouldn’t have been so stupid.
“Sir,” the nurse came up to me and bent down to be at my level. “You look awfully pale, are you sure you don’t need anything to eat,” she looked down at my bloodstained jeans and shirt, “A change of clothes maybe.” I didn’t respond. I felt dead inside. This was all my fault. Now I knew the pain that Parker had felt after what his mother had done, and he could do nothing to help her. Parker had slipped, and I had sat and watched as he fell. I was the reason that he was in here.
My eyes started to tear up again. If he didn’t make it out of this I didn’t know what I would become. And I hadn’t even held up my end, I didn’t even take him to see Jaxon.
“Sir, do you want anything? I think I should take your temp, you might be in shock.” I looked up at the nurse, just now realizing that she hadn’t left. Luke reached a hand out towards her and grabbed her wrist lightly.
“I think he’s fine, if we need anything I will come and get you.” The nurse nodded, still a bit unsure about leaving me, and got up.
“I’ll be at the front desk,” she pointed towards the desk that was directly across from our chairs. Luke nodded and she left. Paul reached over me and started to trace small circles on my back, trying to bring me back from my foggy gaze world. I started to cry again and Paul drew me up into his arms, in a sort of ‘fatherly’ embrace. That was what I needed right now, I needed my dad. I missed my dad. That only made me cry harder.
“It’s okay,” Paul said lightly in my ear, “Charles, he’s going to be okay, he’s going to be okay because of you.” No, no he wasn’t. My eyes closed and I allowed myself to cry.
The door opened and cold air came in with it. I sucked my knees into my chest as the wind hit me. The blood was still somewhat wet which made me even colder.
“Excuse me Miss,” the man whom had just entered came up to the receptionist’s desk. “I’m looking for my brother, I got a call.”
“And who is your brother?” She asked as she went over to the desk.
“Parker, Parker uh…what was her last name?” The guy asked himself. I looked up and all I could see was his back.
“West?” I choked out. The guy turned around and looked at me. He raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” he took off his cap and I nearly leaped out of Paul’s arms and into his. It was Jaxon. His hair was short now and his skin tan, but it was him all the same. “Do you know him?”
“Those are the ones that called him in.” The nurse said behind him. Jaxon approached us cautiously.
“I’m Matt.” He held out a hand to me.
“Charles,” I choked and nodded in acknowledgment of his hand. I was still curled up under Paul’s protective arms. Jaxon took his hand back.
“I’m his older brother.” Jaxon said. “You must have been the one that found him.” I nodded again. Jaxon kneeled down in front of me. “How-I don’t know how to put this…how is he? I mean, how has he been? I haven’t seen him in years.”
“He’s, he’s good.” I felt horrible and my throat was still scratchy from crying. Jaxon smiled. He glanced up to Paul and then to Luke. A phone started to ring and all of us remained silent. It ran a few times and Jaxon turned to Paul.
“I think that’s you.” Jaxon stated and Paul let go of me to answer his phone. He got up from his chair and walked over near the entrance to leave us in silence. Jaxon took the seat next to me.
Luke closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair.
“I got the call at three…how long have you been here?” Jaxon asked.
“What time is it?” I croaked. I felt horrible.
“Five, five in the morning.” I sat up in shock. I had been sitting in this room for the last five hours. “Excuse my expression, but you look like death.” I smiled a bit. I probably did. I would probably look worse if I had my normal curly hair down. “I’m just surprised that they were able to find me.”
“Because you are actually Jaxon McKaye not Matt Lakefield? Or because you two had different last names to begin with when your parents divorced?” Jaxon shot out of his chair. His mouth bobbed open and then closed again like a fish out of water.
“Can I talk to you Charles?” He glanced over at the half asleep Luke. “In private.” I nodded and got up to my feet. Jaxon led me down the hall and into one of the bathrooms. He checked the stalls before speaking.
“How did you know that?”
“Because,” I reached up and pulled off my wig. “It’s me.” I threw my wig and bald cap aside and ruffled up my hair.
“Charlene!” Jaxon exclaimed before pulling me into a tight embrace. “I thought you were dead! You just disappeared.”
“Yeah, that was kind of the point.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before that you had disguised yourself as a guy?” I shrugged. I guess I just assumed that the less people knew, the less I would have to worry about. Renee had been seen by Luke and look at all of the problems that came out of that.
“That’s not important now,” I grabbed my wig and put it back on. “What’s important is how you’ve gotten by. They got around and found Heather and she wasn’t even part of the CIA, she was your girlfriend, you weren’t even legally attached. I don’t see how they were able to find her and not you.”
“I’ve got connections.” Jaxon answered with a smirk. I wasn’t quite sure if that was a good thing or not. I would just assume it good and leave it at that. “What about my brother, why is he even in here?”
“You honestly don’t know, do you?” Jaxon shook his head no. “He, uh, he lost a lot of blood.” I gestured to my jeans and Jaxon nodded. He actually nodded, was pretty much committing suicide normal?
“Do you want to head back in and wait?” He asked me and I nodded. I led him out of the bathroom and back to our spots. Luke was still sleeping and I took the spot next to him. It was still warm from earlier.
I was feeling a lot better now, that talk with Jaxon had really woken me up. I snuggled up with my armrest and let myself drift a bit.
“Charles,” someone was shaking me awake. “Charles, come on, he’s up.” That woke me up. I shot up and my head smacked into Luke’s. We both grabbed our skulls and I couldn’t help but laugh at his face. He laughed a bit too. We needed that.
With the help of Luke I got up from my chair. My clothes were folded funny and stiff from the dried blood. They were most likely permanently stained too. We followed the nurse down the hall and through a couple of different glass doors. I looked behind me and noticed that Jaxon wasn’t there. Luke just shrugged and told me that he had a previous engagement. I sighed, I didn’t see how a ‘previous engagement’ was more important than Parker’s well being.
The nurse stopped in front of a door in the ICU. It was room number seventeen.
“Now he’s awake, but he’s weak and we need you to be slow with him. You need to be gentle too and we ask that you don’t do or say anything that would cause his heart rate or breathing to greatly fluctuate, okay?” We both nodded and the nurse opened the door. Allowing us to go in.
When I first stepped in, the acidic smell of chemicals hit me. Of course I was going to come across that some time, we were in a hospital for Pete’s sake. I looked around the room and my eyes immediately fell on Parker. He was strapped up to at least four or so different machines. He had an IV drip in one hand and a similar bag filled with blood in the crook of his elbow. His eyes were closed and his head was turned to the side. His face was still extremely pale and he looked tired. I also noticed that the large cut on his arm had been sewn up and was heavily bandaged.
“Hey,” I whispered lightly as I took a seat next to his bed. Luke stayed standing behind me with one hand on my shoulder. Parker didn’t move and I frowned a bit.
I leaned back in the chair and waited. I looked back up at Luke and realized how tired he looked.
“Luke,” I said lightly, “You can head back to the school and get some rest, you’re probably missing practice.” He nodded.
“How are you going to get back?” I shrugged.
“I’ll take a bus or something. I’ll find my way, trust me.” He nodded before leaving the room. The nurse was still standing in the doorway. She nodded to me and left, closing the door behind her. It was just me and Parker now.
I leaned onto the armrest of my chair, waiting for him. Waiting for him to open his eyes and be happy. Waiting for him to come back to me and swear at his Xbox. Just waiting. I let my eyes close and sighed to myself. Waiting, how much I despised waiting. I listened to his breathing, just like I had the night that I had fallen asleep at his place, on him. I smiled. He was silly, we both were silly. ‘Stupid teenagers’ was what people would say about that. I guess we were kind of stupid, him more than me for what he had done to himself. I was probably just as bad with my flightiness though.
Parker twisted on his bed and my eyes flew open. He groaned as he reached for his arm and touched the padding lightly. He opened his eyes and looked down at his arm, his eyes were still glassed over and it was as if he was seeing without really taking anything in. He looked so lost and confused.
“Hey,” I whispered and he rolled his head to the side to face me. He still looked horrible and he had large bags under his eyes. He smiled sadly and I returned it. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” I smiled, at least he hadn’t lost his sense of humor.
“You only have yourself to blame for that.” Parker sighed and let his eyes close again.
“I-I diwit men too.” Parker said into his pillow.
“What?” He rolled back to face me and I leaned down so I was at his level.
“I didn’t mean to do this. To hurt me…” He looked up at me with his sad blue eyes, “To hurt you.” I put up my hands.
“I’m just fine, honest.”
“No, your not. You blame yourself, just like you do for your mom. You hate me for this, you hate me just like you hate water.”
“I don’t hate you!” I rose from my seat. Why was he judging me like this? He sighed and rested his head back down. “Parker, if I hated you, would I share these?” I pulled the Dots box out of my pocket and shook it. His eyes flew open. I ripped the box open and tipped a bunch into my hand, I then held my hand out for him to have some. He smiled at me and grabbed a green one. He always liked the green ones the most, even as a kid.
He popped the dot into his mouth and smiled, savoring the small gel candy. I threw the rest of the ones in my hand into my mouth and chewed them. How had I lived without these for so long?
“Parker,” I broke the silence of the room.
“Yes?” He asked. His voice was still faint due to his exhaustion caused by lack of blood, but he was as attentive as always.
“Why’d you do it?” He opened his eyes and rolled his head to face me.
“Honest?”
“Honest.” He sighed and ran an IV’d hand through his hair. The black mess of hair he had was sticking to him with sweat. Some might consider it disgusting, but it didn’t look half bad. “I-you know when you feel like crap.” I nodded. “Like you have been through so much, pain, sorrow, maybe even some happiness, but you still feel like you are distilled in nothingness. Like the small pang you get when you aren’t hungry before a meal, when you just feel…empty?” What was he getting at? “That’s how I felt…that is how I do feel. I don’t feel things like you do. I can’t have a bad day and sleep it off because I don’t sleep. I can’t have a great day and tell someone because frankly, I don’t have anyone to tell that too.”
“You could tell me.” He shot me a look saying ‘let me finish’ and I nodded, shrinking a bit.
“And then at the end of the day…I am nothing. I try to feel you know. I try to be normal but I just can’t. Stuff doesn’t come for me like everyone else. So I cut myself, it allows me to unwind and to actually feel something. You might find it unpleasant, or you might judge because you feel it is wrong, but to me it is the only feeling that I can depend on. It is the only feeling that will always be there for me when I need to unwind. It’s like that bear you have, it will never leave, and it will always remind you of your mother, that is what cutting did for me. It allowed me to be with my mom, to understand her to a greater extent. It’s just that…last night. I-I don’t know.
“See, you left so suddenly after finding that razor that you never let me explain.” My cheeks heated with a blush, I felt so horrible and everyone kept reminding me of that night. “I didn’t get to tell you that I stopped when you were there. That urge to feel something slipped away as I actually felt something with you. And then, just like that, you were gone, and it was all my fault. It ate at me for days and I knew that I had to do something about it. I got absorbed by it again. The cutting pulled me back and I was able to feel again, but it wasn’t like before. It wasn’t the prick of pain that brought me back, I needed more. After feeling with you I needed more to get that feeling back. And last night I went too far.
“Man, this just feels like a bunch of shitty rambles but you have to try and understand this. Or at least pretend. I’m not saying that I did what I did last night to die, or that I did it because you hurt me. I did it because I was stupid, because I felt that it was the thing that I needed and I was wrong.” I still felt horrible. I let my head fall, after all of his speech it all came back to me leaving him. It all started going downhill after I left him.
“Hey,” he said lightly. Parker reached over to me and lifted my chin so I was facing him. He smiled at me but he still looked disturbed. I could feel tears building in my eyes and I looked up to the ceiling as they silently fell. Parker moved his thumb and wiped them away gently, which caused me too meet his gaze again.
“I’m just glad you’re okay.” I whispered and gave him a small smile.
“And I’m just glad that you’re back.”