The weak Autum sun was shining strongly through Leo's black-out blinds. When the heat of the light rested upon Leo's stiff face, he closed his eyes tighter. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to face another day of life, not anymore. As if the sun could feel Leo's pain, it's rays grew stronger, encouraging him to somehow make an effort, and they burst through Leo's blinds. Leo groaned angrily and yanked himself up, out of his bed. He stalked past his wardrobe and towards his long, wide window, where he thrust the curtains aside and glared up at the sun.
Well, I say glared. What Leo really did was tilt his head up at it, put his hand above his eyes, and scrunch up his expression as if he were in intensive pain. But Leo was in intensive pain right now. His entire left side was throbbing. He turned from the sun and sighed; right in front of him lay his walking-stick, standing solitary against his wardrobe... waiting for him. Holding his head high, he got dressed, limped to his stick, then picked it up.
Same shit different day, Leo growled to himself.
* * *
"We'll be about an hour or so. Rad wanted to stop by McDonalds and get somethin' to eat. I swear to God if I hear him ask for another employee's cheeseburger, I will explode!"
Leo ascended from the last stair and limped towards his open kitchen, before he replied, "All right, I'll see you both then. Tell Rad to bring me a Big Mac meal please. Bloody starving."
"Have you not been eating like?"
"Of course I have... I just..." He stared into the bottomless pit of his empty fridge before gently closing the door - watching the light inside turn off - before he said, "Fancy a Big Mac, that's all."
"Ooh my Jesus! Not you too! Have you any idea how much fat is in-"
"Oh, I've gotta go!" Leo cut in, already getting bored of this conversation. "There's my neighbour at my door again!"
Quickly, he hung the phone up, threw it onto the couch, and braced his head against his open palms which were flat against the fridge.
He couldn't go on like this. He just couldn't. The not eating, getting up in the morning, knowing she was dead, being alone, not wanting to live life. He was so weak, was Leo. Why am I so weak? He asked himself. But then his subconscious spoke to him: You're weak because the person who made you strong in life, who made you fight, is gone. And that was the truth. It was her very purpose in life which made him fight. Ever since he was twenty-eight years old. And now look at him: he was a middle-aged man with nothing to show for himself. Sure, he had a nice, modern apartment with a fantastic open-view of the city lights, and he had once had a good career, and would always be comfortable with money, but that was it. What else stood for him in life, he didn't know.
Or so he thought.
After Leo perpared some toast and tuna, and drank a glass of sour milk, all the while reading his newspaper, he decided to freshen up a bit. He wobbled up the couple of stairs which led to his spacious bathroom, and turned the tap on, only to find out that the hot water was cold. He then wobbled into the kitchen and checked his gas-meter: 2 pence was all that was in his meter. No bath for him then.
Ashamed of himself because he wouldn't even go out just to put money in his gas-meter, he boiled the kettle and poured the water into the sink, where he shakily washed his face and hands. Once the soap ran out of his eyes and he could see again, just, he outstretched his hand and groped for his towel. As if it were hanging in mid air, his hands found it.
He stretched up and wiped his face. Throwing the towel over his shoulder, his stick aided him to his main bathroom, where he then began to examine himself in the mirror. He wasn't sure if it was the soap still in his eyes, or his painful hallucinations, but he thought he saw Ruby sitting behind him, on his marble toilet seat. He scrutinised the mirror at her; she was fifteen years old again, and was staring at him from ontop of her horse. What was that horses name again? Fido, wasn't it? She called him Fido? And taught him how to ride his horse, Bonnie? Ah, ha! And then I taught her to canoe, and she fell into the lake! I saved her life that day. When was it? 2001, surely? Yes, it was 2001. Leo can remember how he himself couldn't even canoe. He went to lessons that year, just so he could volunteer at the Camp where he'd spend those precious weeks with Ruby. Weird, Leo mused, I tried to resist her for so long. So many years. I wasted my entire life; fighting each day just so I could forget about her, and then when I finally surrendered and sought her out, she was taken from me. Gone.
Suddenly the mirror in front of Leo steamed up due from his breathing, and Ruby started to disappear into thin-air. Leo panicked, and began wiping the mirror. "No, please don't go!" He turned around, chest heaving out a mile, and was confronted by nothing. Ruby wasn't there. His black toilet seat was unoccupied. He was just reminscing, that's all. Reminscing about his dreams which haunted him each and every single night.
* * *
"Leo?" Rad called, but nobody answered.
"Let me try!" Emily moved in front of her husband, and began knocking. "Leo, it's us!" She knocked five more times. Admitting that either he couldn't hear them, or was just plain ingoring them, she bent down and opened up the letter box. "Don't ignore us! Your doorman told us you haven't left the building in months! Either you open up the door, or Alex'll break it down! It's entirely your choice! AND NEITHER OF US ARE MOVIN' TILL WE SEE YOU!"
"Emily! Don't!" Rad pulled at Emily's white blouse. She batted his hand away, hissing, "Look, we need to do this! We need to help him! Ohhh, I can't believe I allowed you to talk me into leaving him to 'progress' and 'mourn' for himself all those months ago!" she was quoting with her fingers now. "Your big and mighty plan didn't quite follow through, did it? No! Well then... It's my turn now. I know just how to handle him. I-"
"Ooh you do, do you?" Leo muttered, standing in his door way. "And what would that be? Tell me to move on? Tell me that she's in Heaven looking down on me now? And that I must keep strong? It won't help, Emily! Nothing can erase the pain of her..."
There was an embarrassing and tense silence between the trio, which was interrupted by Emily's gasp. The STATE Leo was in! She almost broke down there and then.
"I'm still so sorry!" She threw herself into his arms and embraced him.
"There, there. Now that... that helped," he grined. "You two comin' in or what?"
And they did go in. It had been ages since Alex had set sight on his cousin; and if it weren't for his memorable, distinctive sapphire eyes, he would've mistook his man for someone else. This didn't look like Leo Andre. The Leo Andre Alex remembered was a tall, tanned man with a loud, sanctimonious and self-satisifed grin always smearing across his face... Not this man! This man was too quiet. His heart had indeed hushed him up and sealed his souls lips. At least his scar was healing a little bit better, both Alex and Emily thought to themselves. And his hair was growing, gradually. Though it was still really short.
And that beard, Emily whispered to herself; that was definitely not Leo.
"I see you've still got your stick, eh?" Rad chirrped, nudging his shoulder.
"Yes, of course I do... I'd offer you something to eat but truth be told I have not had time to... to... go shopping, I guess. Sorry." He turned embarrassingly from his cousin and made way towards his italian, leather arm chair which was across from Emily. "Don't say it, please! I know what you both are thinking; the state I have let myself get in. Can't be helped. Nut, it can't. Give me time and I'll be OK."
"We've given you time," Emily started. "Nothing has changed!"
Rad sighed and walked past the corner couch and entered the kitchen, where he scarcely began to prepare three cups of tea, placing a McDonalds take-out bag on the breakfast table as well. "I see you still have some teabags, that's good." Rad chuckled.
"The neighbour brought some over for some reason. I don't even drink mint tea, but the gesture was nice I see you brought me by Big Mac. Thank you."
The clock on the wall behind Leo ticked, and a churning in Leo's stomach aroused. He looked at Emily; she was holding her bag close to her.
"Look... What is it you both have come for?" Rad walked over and handed Emily a red mug of tea. Alex stared at his wife for a moment, before shaking his head and turning away. "I cannot be bothered with this. We all are mature adults, hand it to me straight."
"Hand what to you?" Emily's heart began to race. This wasn't how she planned giving him Ruby's red book. "Who says I've got somethin' to give you in the first place?"
"Just give him the damn book, Emily!"
Leo stared at his cousin. Whatever it was she was to give him, it was causing personal problems between the married couple.
"It... It was left to me, but... but I find it only fair that you should read it. I finished it not long after... her... funeral." Emily rumaged through his yellow handbad and brought out a little leather, red book. She smoothed her hands across the leather, before looking up at Leo's speculating eyes. "Prepare yourself, is all I'm going to say. It's her journal. And it's... Well I-I -"
"She hopes it will bring you some closure. That's why she made me drive us three hundred miles just to give you it."
Leo bent forward - holding in the agony it still caused to twist his hip bone - and took the book from her. He was about to turn the page, when suddenly he felt something heavy against his chest. It was as if he was taking a panic attack and the walls were closing in on him. His breathing stropped for a couple of seconds. He put the book down upon his coffee table and looked at Emily, then at Rad.
"Thank you for bringing it," was all he could muster out from within him. Slowly but gradually the heavy feeling disappeared. Emily and Rad stayed for a further hour or so. When Leo said he wanted to be alone - making up some sad and pathetic excuse - he walked them to his front door.
Rad said farewell, and playfully nudged Leo's shoulder saying, "Don't worry man! Soon you'll be as right as rain... and I mean that!"
"Who says rain is ever right anyway?" laughed Leo in response. "Next time I'll come visit you both."
"Yeah, man! You better! I aint traveling two-hundred miles every time Emily worries about you!" Leo watched Rad turn from them and walk towards the elevator.
Emily was buttoning up the last button on her cream coat, when she looked up at Leo's face and said: "In time you'll heal. You just need to want to heal, then you will. Get me?"
Leo put his hands on her shoulders and shook her, muttering, "Yes, I get you. Now for God sakes woman go and get some sleep!"
"Eh, you're the one in need of a good, long sleep. That's healing up though," Emily traced her finger down the X mark on his cheek. "Took almost two years for Alex's to start healing... but like I said, you have to want it to heal for it to heal. Just remember that for me, OK? You have to want it for it happen."
"I'm lucky you know," he ushered Emily out into the corridor. "to have people like you and Rad in my life. Just when light was lost in darkness, BOOM! There you two appear with your two torches. I want to thank you both. Tell him that for me, OK?"
This was too much for Emily. She began sobbing, saying, "Look! There's somethin' I really need to tell you. You'll find out soon enough, but... I need you to know about something which I myself never knew until I read her journal."
Leo gulped. "Go on..."
"You have a child! Ruby fell pregnant before you left for Zante. She gave the child up for adoption, because she was going to marry Adam... Don't - Don't ask me where the child is, because I haven't a clue. Nor did Ruby for her entire life." Emily began to turn now, looking over her shoulder at the unnaturally pale-faced man who stood infelixibly behind her shadow. "You have a daughter!"
Suddenly the torches became dim and all light truly did seem lost from that moment on. He had a daughter?
It took all the strength in his body to finally close his door. Now it was just him... and Ruby's little red book.