Excuse me for knowing absolutely nothing about soccer.
THIRTY-ONE: when he cheers you on.
It was that following Thursday... After days of basically coaching the team, we weren't getting any better. Our game was in two days, we couldn't afford a slip up and our new goalie just wasn't getting it. He wasn't like Ryland who could at least pretend he knew what he was doing. No, this new guy: Johnny -I believe- last name: Casey was slow and he was frail and the only reason he was actually on varsity was because the boy could run.
And when I said run, I meant run.
He couldn't dribble, he couldn't shoot, he could barely look me in the eye but the guy never got tired. His spider-like legs were long and he had a nice quick pass but he utterly sucked at blocking. He had one thing to do and he failed but I couldn't blame him, Andy had put him in a place where his little strengths weren't utilized. Casey groaned softly, leaning over and placing his hands on his knees when I'd paused from kicking balls at him. The rest of the team was doing laps, Andy yelling at them to "speed up or you're cut," he had more endurance than me, more patience as well but for some reason he'd instructed me to help the kid out.
Must've been his lack of faith.
"You ready?" I'd asked, wiping the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. It was hot, it was really hot out and I could see that Casey just wanted to go home, he seemed about ready to pass out.
But Casey shook his head, looking up at the sky and holding his hands out for a bottle of water I'd motioned towards. When he'd gotten it in his hands, the boy ripped it open, chugging it back until it was half-empty. I could see the sweat on his jersey as he breathed heavily; I could see the exhaustion, "I suck, don't I?"
And I didn't want to lie to him so biting my lip, I watched as he stood straight. He sucked air into his lungs before raising his arms above his head. His face was red and he pushed his hands through his hair and then he got back into position.
I'd kicked the ball at my feet softly, "A little bit but I can tell it's not your thing." Andy hadn't fully assessed this kid. Although he was quick on his feet, he wasn't tough enough to play goalie nor did he have the confidence. And as I kicked the ball at Casey, I could hear Andy wrapping up the laps and the feet pounding coming to an end.
Casey dived for the ball, just barely missing by his fingertips and when he'd landed on the ground, he'd stayed there. Shoving his head in his hands, he cursed softly before hitting the ground and standing up again. I didn't want to stress the kid too much, we'd gone through nearly an hour of this and he'd only blocked three kicks.
When I felt a clap on my shoulder, a weight was lifted off my shoulder as Andy yelled back at the guys laid out on the grass. "Take a break." Gritting his teeth, Andy spoke sharply, "Jensen, I want another lap."
And I witnessed the guy he was speaking to, get up, brushing the back of his shorts off before starting his run not even looking at my co-captain.
The guy beside me turned back around, jerking his head in the direction of Casey as I leaned over. Furrowing my brows, I asked, "What'd he do?"
He shrugged, "Acted like a smartass."
Casey kicked he ball at his feet, small frown on his face as he furrowed his brows and looked in between the ball and the goal. He seemed preoccupied enough, pretty adorable if you asked me. Turning towards Andy, I sighed, "Can I talk to you for a bit?"
"About?" Andy questioned, "I told you we didn't have to-"
"Not that." I assured. When we were on the field it was all about the game and I chose to keep that and my personal problems separate. Scratching the back of my neck, I looked over at our goalie who averted his gaze almost instantly, looking back at the ground. His low confidence was shining through and I knew it was because of our fail at tea leaching him the position. "I've been working with Casey... I feel like we should put Ryland back as goalie."
Casey visibly flinched and I was aware of how I couldn't be worded my sentence differently. It sounded like I was cutting him and Andy must've taken it that way as he automatically shook his head, "We can't. You gotta get this kid to learn, J, we can't just have somebody play mid."
I struggled with my confidence but I was sure of this, I knew this kid could do it if he really tried. Maybe if we got more motivated and more in touch with his actual skill, is be able to pull a win from him, "I was thinking he could play mid."
Andy's eyes went wide, "What?"
Even Casey wasn't sure, eyes pleading with me when I'd looked back over at him; he wasn't sure of himself. "Captain, I-"
"He's fast. Like, really fast. He can do this." I continued to push because I knew that if I were in that position, I'd appreciate it. This was what was best for the team and surely what was best for Casey to prove himself just as Ryland had and T had and Andy had and I had.
I was sure he had to prove himself when Andy shook his head as if dismissing the idea. "He's new."
"And he can bring something to the team." Waving him over, I watched as he jogged towards us. He was around my height, lips set in a tight line and he was taken back. He had a dumbfounded look on his face as he fidgeted under Andy's gaze. "Look, you haven't given him a chance. You've seen him run laps; you know he's good."
Andy sighed and I could see the gears turning in his head and be looked around before catching eyes with the boy beside me and staring him down, "You can do this?"
"Uh, y-yes, captain." He looked as if he were sweating and more than before.
And Andy being Andy had to test his confidence, quirking an eyebrow as he nearly stared into the boy's soul, "You don't sound too sure. Are you sure?"
"Yes, Captain." His voice didn't shake and I smiled.
"Okay," turning towards me, my co-captain kept his distance. We were attempting to let the dating thing die down a bit -at least in the team- until no one paid attention anymore. Especially now that I was in a relationship, I didn't want to draw anymore attention towards me and Andy, not wanting Paul to ask about it again, "go ask Coach; I'll start practice and then when you're done, we should talk to the guys."
: : :
I felt nervous, my lips glued together as if made my way into Coach's office. The bald man was sitting behind his desk, glasses perched on his neck as he read over some papers. I didn't want to disturb him but I needed to confirm the new arrangement and we had to start practice as quick as possible. Leaning back on his door, I concentrated my eyes on my bag in the corner. "Hey, Coach?"
"Douglas." He hadn't even looked up as he called my name and I stood straight up, feeling the weight of my suggestion on me. Blinking, I attempted to boost my confidence, I was co-captain. I had to get everything ready.
Rocking back on my cleats, I cleared my throat, "This kid, Casey, he's good. But, if we keep him as goalie, we're gonna lose."
"Your solution?" Still he hadn't looked up, eyes still reading as he highlighted something. His voice was elsewhere as he spoke but I could tell he was listening.
"I think we should switch him with Ryland, leave Thompson as defender and switch up the positions. Casey's really fast and he's got a great pass."
That was when he looked up, for a split second at least, his tongue darting out to drag across his bottom lip in a movement of uncertainty and honestly, we were all pretty uncertain, "Does Baker approve?"
"Yeah, he thinks it's a good idea."
He shrugged, finishing up on his papers before shoving them elsewhere and grabbing something else. It looked as if it were college pamphlets and everything hit me. If felt so real now, I'd be out of high school in less than a year and I still didn't know where I was going. "We'll try it out but if this kid can't hold his weight, it's on you."
"Thanks, Coach." I was trying to leave as quick as possible, trying to rid my mind of the future in his hands. I was nearly out the door when he'd spoken again.
"Douglas."
"Yeah?" Shit, shit, shit.
"Any idea where you're going to college?"
Shit. "Not really."
I didn't know anything and that was scary. I didn't know where I'd be in a week much less a year and it was stressing me out but I tried to focus on the task at hand.
The task was getting my team on track to win and impress the scouts, if anything. If they didn't want me, they'd have to take a look at Andy as well as the other senior players and I couldn't mess that up for them. This was their future, mine too if I somehow stood out and that was enough stress already.
Coach must've sensed this because when I looked back up at him, he had his black eyebrows raised, eyes centered on my leg that just wouldn't stop shaking, "Are you okay?"
Absentmindedly, I answered, thinking along the lines of my last injury, "Yeah, a little sore but I'll be fine to play-"
"No," he cut me off, flipping through a pamphlet for the University of Michigan, eyes plastered on the laminated pages, "are you okay? Like, emotionally, anyone bothering you?"
"No." I wasn't being targeted but I wasn't a snitch either, I wouldn't have gone to him anyways because I didn't want to bother him even if someone had been bothering me.
"Look, I know it's been pretty hard for you; don't stress yourself too much." That was when his eyes met mine, sincerity in them and I attempted to get myself out before I made things awkward again. Coach cared, I could tell, but I wasn't used to people caring about me. I was barely used to Paul reassuring me let alone this man I looked up to so much.
"Okay."
He chuckled at that, flicking his hand towards the doorway, "Go practice, I've got to finish this."
: : :
"Relax, baby." Paul's voice had sounded. It was around five that afternoon, practice running a bit late and I was nervous with all the new plays we'd added. My leg was shaking, a bad habit I needed to quit and I felt his hand in mine.
I'd been spacey since he'd picked me up, my mind on the fact that I was putting all my faith in this new kid and I was risking everything. Paul, however, didn't know yet because I hadn't wanted him to know how I was basically gambling my future away. Only coming in towards the end of practice, he'd seen the results that were no doubt gradually better than the day before; Paul hadn't witnessed the trial and error and really, I didn't want him to. I wanted him to think I was good at something.
"What?" Blinking a few times, I looked over at my boyfriend, unable to recall what we were talking about beforehand. I could hear his voice but I wasn't paying attention and he didn't take offense, "Sorry."
"It's okay," grinning, he tightened his hand on mine before he'd shifted lanes. His eyes were focused and I found myself absentmindedly tracing the tattoo on his hand. "you looked really good on the field."
I thought back to the fact that I had to lie to my teammates, telling them Paul was just a friend and ignoring the slight mentions to Andy that I was probably cheating with this tatted guy. Of course, we'd laughed about it once we were back in Coach's office, changing but I did notice the way Paul's eyes seemed to linger and the way he bit his bottom lip every time I'd caught a glimpse of him looking damn-near perfect. "I've been told my ass looks amazing in those shorts."
"That too," he laughed, licking his lips and I wasn't sure if I were more attracted to his slight dimples or him, "but I meant your focus and determination."
And I was glad he could tell how much my heart was in it, "I just really want this."
He smiled again, his smile somewhat infectious and I struggled to understand how a human could be so perfect, "I know, that's great, Julian. I like seeing you strive for something, you know? Doing what makes you happy."
"I guess I just feel more in control and I don't really feel as stressed." Since being back on the field these past few days, I had noticed that despite my panic attack with the Andy situation, I felt better about myself and since our talk, I could look at him without feeling guilt.
"That's good."
"So, I um, I think..." With so much going on and the fact that I felt more confident, I'd tried to push myself to tell Paul about my confusion for my sexuality. No time was as good as when I felt my best and I felt my best that day, "I think..."
I must've taken too long because Paul laughed lightly, quirking an eyebrow, "Is it hurting?"
And there was my self-doubt rushing back. I couldn't tell him. I wasn't bisexual, I was gay. I had to be gay, point blank period. I was attracted to Paul, emotionally and sexually. I wasn't attracted to any girls. "Shut up."
He must've noticed the hostility that is attempted to mask, "What're you thinking?"
"Nothing; never mind." I was attracted to Paul, I'd been attracted to Calum. Girls didn't do it for me, I'd convinced myself but still, there was that lingering of pitching a tent at the sight of Rilee's chest.
Shit.
"Hey," he'd let go of my hand, turning into his parking garage and pausing slightly after passing verification. He kept his caring brown eyes on me as I looked down at my lap, "are you okay?"
"Y-yeah. Yeah. Sorry," I'd forced that out of my mind and directed my attention to the guy beside me, "I just, I've got a lot on my mind."
"Wanna talk about it?" He tried not to push but I could tell how much he wanted to know.
"Not really. I just wanna get home already so I can change and nap with my favorite." Because he was my favorite and Rilee meant nothing and Andy meant nothing and bisexuality wasn't anything to worry about.
"Home," he'd emphasized and I didn't catch the grin in his voice and he moved to park.
"Sorry."
"No, I like that you're comfortable enough to feel like you belong somewhere." He smiled, "sort of like how I feel home when I'm with you." He was sheepishly looking at me as if I held his world and I honestly didn't know how to feel about that. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him how important he was to me.
And I did.
: : :
It was Saturday, game day, and my heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn't screw this up, I could not screw this up and despite how much better we were doing with Casey playing mid, I couldn't shake the nerves.
"You okay, man?" Benji had asked as we sat in the car, my leg was bouncing haphazardly and my jaw was clenched. I was squeezing my hand together, lips screwed shut and I nodded, Paul's hand slipping over and resting on my knee.
I stopped moving, eyes looking over at him and he smiled, "you've got this." I closed my eyes, leaning my head back, anxiousness thumping down to just tapping my other hand on my free knee.
"I'm okay, Ben."
And we stayed like that, the soft hum coming from Benji's headphones as we drove closer to the school.
However, the calm didn't last.
As soon as I'd gotten there, my heart was pounding again, my eyes widening at the amount of people there early and my eyes catching onto some of the guys going back into the school instead of down the stairs of the stadium. I locked my eyes onto Paul's, soft smile on his face as he squeezed my knee gently and leaned over to place a chaste kiss on my lips, "you're gonna do great."
I heard Benji laugh, shoving my shoulder when Paul had gotten out of the car, my eyes trained on him and how good he looked. He'd opted to wear his glasses and some loose fitting jeans that were cut at the knees and still managed to make his ass look amazing. A nice plain blue t-shirt hugged his arms slightly but still was loose enough to belong to Paul and I could see his collarbones peaking out as well as his tattoos.
And maybe it was because of the dot of white paint on his jeans or the way his curly hair wasn't that styled but he looked as creative as he was and I loved it.
"I swear to God, you, my little nigga, are in." Benji laughed, letting himself out of the car as Paul came over and opened my door. My friend was no longer in sight when my boyfriend gripped my hand cautiously but there was no one around so I found myself pulling his hand to my chest and leaning back a bit.
"You okay?"
Nodding, I smiled lazily at Paul and pursed my lips as if a sign for him to kiss me and quickly, he obliged.
"You're gonna be amazing on that field and you're gonna get that scout's attention." His hand was locked in mine as he leaned slightly against the door; I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
"What if I don't?"
"Then it's their loss." And he pulled my hand towards his lips, placing a small kiss before getting a little closer, lips on my forehead, "Okay?"
"Okay."
"Alright, now go and get warmed up, I'm gonna try and find Ben before he falls down the bleachers or something." He bit his lip, "Can't wait to see you in that uniform."
Hopping out of his truck, I kissed him one more time before turning. Looking back at him when I felt a hand on my ass, I gave him an unimpressed look although I couldn't help the smile on my face. And i felt him eyes on me as I jogged away from the parking lot and to the school to get ready for what was possibly the biggest game of my life.
: : :
"You got this." We were gonna win, we had to. The offense on the other team was weaker than our defense compared to when we had Cameron and the game was coming to a close. It was tied... It was 2 to 2 but we were winning, I could tell you that.
There was sweat pouring off of Andy as we got up for the switch out again, Ryland was sweating buckets, half the team looked about ready to pass out and let's just say Casey... looked terrified.
We were replacing one of our midfielder's with him, his ankle pretty much twisted and Casey -although being told beforehand that he was playing- didn't look ready. His eyes were wide and he looked unsure of himself and, I mean, after the week he had... He had a reason to be. Yeah, after we switch his position from goalie, there was a drastic improvement but he wasn't really getting the plays and that had to be discouraging.
"You're fast as fuck and yeah, I doubted you but I know you got this." Andy repeated, eyes centered on the leggy boy. The sun was beating down on us and my adrenaline was high as we all ran back onto the field. I watched Casey get into position and then stared into the stands, hoping to catch Paul's eyes. I was slightly disappointed when I didn't see him but then again, I suspected he'd be hard to find.
Still, catching his eyes would've made me a hundred times more confident than I was at the moment.
It was the first time I was playing that day and I knew it had to count. I had to show out for the scouts and I couldn't lose; that was that. I couldn't lose, we couldn't lose.
And before I knew it, we were moving again and my eyes were centered in the ball I was shuffling in between my feet. There was a passion that had ignited within me that I hadn't felt in a long time; I needed it. I needed to win and I knew that more than anything. Soccer was apart of me and I couldn't lose that part of myself as well. When the ball was back in my control and the adrenaline was pumping in my veins, things became clearer. I missed it; I missed completing and loving the game and feeling accomplished when I spun on the balls of my feet and slipped up my opposer.
Back and forth, back and forth; left and right. My feet were moving how I was trained and my head was clear. I felt like I could do it. I felt in control of my future and I felt the pressure.
Running, I tried to get Casey into position in order to kick towards him, my calves were screaming but not as loud as our side of the stands. I felt like myself as cheesy as that sounded, I felt like that star player that everyone had believed I was before I came out and that was what I had in mind when I sent the ball flying towards my teammate.
And he ran.
Casey had the ball, concentrated look on his face as he dribbled and ran, eyes on the goal and he made the assist to the winning shot.
My heart was beating so fast, it nearly broke my ribcage as I had the ball back, it was just me and the net at that point. I felt the pressure of my future weighing down on me but with a win being so close, I couldn't help but strive.
"You're gonna do great."
And I kicked.
The game ended.
Casey's eyes were wide and his lips were parted and Andy's hand was on my shoulder and a Coach was throwing down his clipboard.
But not our coach.
Our stands cheered and I could catch Paul's eyes at the front of the stadium finally, his smile wide and shit, even if I didn't get that scout's attention... I was proud of myself. I was proud of my team and I was proud of myself.
A/N:
so baby is proud of himself and paul is too.
this is literally fluff because you guys have been suffering a lot with jules and his problems so i figured we'd need something light.
how ya feelin?
updated: Tues, Feb 23rd