:: Attempt 12 | Confessions (What's Inside My Head) ::
"Hearts are breakable. And I think even when you heal, you're never who you were before."
- "The Mortal Instruments" Book Four: "The City of Fallen Angels" by Cassandra Clare
x + x
I never even thought that this possibility can be how I will die.
A hoarse, broken laugh escapes from between my chapped lips as I cease my white-knuckled hold upon the thick rope binding my neck to the cedar beam a couple of meters above - held crosswise from the rafters - my hands letting go of the twine and falling to dangle at my sides. Spots dance in my vision as I futilely attempt to take in another breath, to fill my lungs of the oxygen they desperately crave.
How useless am I to fall prey to their trap? How useless am I to have failed in such a simple infiltration mission - to have blown my cover to pathetic human traffickers?
I can feel my consciousness slipping away, very much like a helium balloon cut from its strings. I feel my eyelids grow heavy as I gasp for air, now continuing my desperate struggle to keep a hold of my life. I don't want to die, I realize belatedly. Of the countless times I attempted to get out of this hellhole, now that I am at the doors of death, I can't do it.
I can't take the next step, I can't force myself to go through even though I'm already teetering at the very edge of the precipice. I'm still fighting to hold on to a life I've been trying to deprive myself of.
If I had enough air, perhaps I may have laughed at the irony. But it's a luxury I don't have, a limited supply which is quickly being depleted as the seconds tick by. I reach up again, weakly tugging at the rope around my neck.
"The hell's takin' her so long to die? Huh?"
I hear voices, the scraping of a wooden chair upon concrete, heavy footfalls, a door slamming open, and then closed once again, before silence comes to begin its apparently short-lived reign. Gun shots ring out not too long after, cutting through the thick fog, and I raise my head slightly, vainly searching for my to-be savior's face. I see the faintest blur of brown hair amidst the dim lighting, even through the tears which cascade down my face. I see the shortest glimpse of green eyes, wide and panicked, before the sounds, the smell, the riptide of battle pulls the image away from me.
I can't hold on any longer, I think to myself; my hands drop to my sides once more, heavy like lead. I feel a slight breeze upon my bare skin, bare apart from my torn blouse, dangling in ripped shreds. I can no longer fight.
What use am I, to have easily been bested by these perverted bastards? What use am I, now that I'm about to die?
"Don't save me; save yourselves." I want - no, I wish - to say. I close my eyes, all the fight pouring out of my heavy form. The very last bits of oxygen slip between my lips as my vision fades.
Useless. This is what I am.
And a tool which has lost its usefulness must be thrown away.
"Cut to the chase and spill." I remark casually, snapping my book shut as I uncross my legs, dusting myself off. As though this is just some idle chit-chat between a girl and her beloved - please note the sarcasm - boyfriend.
It's better to hear him straight out, preferably in a less crowded place. But this will have to do. Most are spending the rest of their lunch break at the cafeteria, anyway.
No one will think to look behind the gymnasium, by the fences surrounding the foot of the what I now know to be the E Class mountain, a popularly avoided location due to the occupants upon the edifice located upon its ridges.
"What you witnessed, in the gym.." Gakushu starts, crossing his arms over his torso as he levels his gaze with mine. He stands a few feet away with his back to the light, his face thankfully half-hidden in shadows. "As I said, it's merely a show of superiority. The End Class are scum - no more, no less."
I click my tongue, scuffing the toe of my school shoe into the dirt. "Do I look as if I'll buy that sort of elitist reasoning, Shu?" I tilt my head to the side, placing a hand on my hip for emphasis. A derisive laugh escapes my lips as I shake my head in twisted amusement. "What am I to you - some sort of pathetic idiot?"
"I never expected you to believe what I say from the get-go."
I feel my lips curl up into a sneer as I cross my arms over my torso. "Damn straight I won't be so gullible to. But you'll still try, won't you? I know you will."
He sighs, rocking back onto his heels. "What urged you to become so difficult?"
I raise an eyebrow, walking towards him. "People change." I mutter carelessly, my gaze meeting his own once again. "I'm not the same naïve little kid to just go ahead and trust a monster."
"I believe your perception of the situation has turned quite personal." He replies calmly, without an inkling of any sort of emotion in his placid stare. I halt my footsteps a mere meter away from where he stands, a frown subsequently placing a furrow between my eyebrows.
"What, did you expect that I'll remain upon the topic of your discrimination of Class E?" I laugh; snide, sarcastic, and definitely meant to be harsh upon the ears. He says nothing for the moment, and I continue on. "Go ahead, feel free to redirect this conversation back to the tangent from which it's been launched from. I don't doubt my abilities to be able to change the topic again."
"If I may ask, what else are we to talk about? It is succinctly clear to me that there's no pressing matter which requires immediate attention - aside from the fact that you undoubtedly looked quite murderous during the assembly roughly twenty minutes ago."
"'No pressing matter which requires immediate attention'?" I quote, an alarmingly dangerous edge to my tone. "Do you mean to say that there's nothing else we have to talk about?"
Gakushu arches a brow, as though my query presents nothing of interest, that I'm merely insisting that there is, in fact, something missing - something the two of us need to resolve.
Which, in truth, there is.
I feel something snap within me and I level my gaze with his, my jaw set as I clench my fist. "So this is what we've come to? An impasse? You decide everything on your own, without looking at the fact that you've never listened to me even once?"
"Where does all of this come from?" He muses, a slight tinge of curiosity in his languid tone. He sounds unaffected, as if he doesn't care any longer. I walk forward, grabbing him by the collar as I proceed.
"Listen up, because I'm not going to repeat this shit, you bastard," I snarl, drawing him down to my level. He doesn't look surprised, to say the least. There is this odd, resigned air to him, as if he has already accepted his fate. There is no sign of guilt, or anything which leads me to think that he ever cared.
"I'm tired of acting like I still care about you. I'm tired of playing as your girlfriend, when I'm only your fianceé because my father thought it will be a good idea to be paired up with someone from my past. I don't like you, not at all." I pause, looking away from his inquisitive purple eyes. "I absolutely abhor everything about you."
There is an unreadable emotion in his eyes as he speaks. "I never knew that you're such a good liar. But then again, you kept me in the dark about who you truly are for nearly four years, Aoi."
His hand reaches up, caressing my cheek as he tilts his head slightly to the side, pressing his lips to mine. I struggle within his arms, my eyes wide with surprise as he refuses to pull away. Stop, I want to protest; my mind screams the word, begging for him to release me, but my body won't listen. I feel helpless, as if I'm just watching the scene play out like an innocent bystander.
I don't know who's more startled when I close my eyes, my grip upon his shirt even tighter than before as I pull him towards me.
What am I even doing? Why am I so easily affected? Why can't I just let go? Why can't I push him away?
I'm disgusted with myself.
"You lie to yourself too much," Gakushu whispers as he pulls away, his fingertips resting upon my cheek. I avert my gaze, scarlet coloring my pale skin. "Have you forgotten already, Aoi? You're mine, and mine alone. You always will be."
I grit my teeth, shoving him away without a second's thought. "I don't belong to anyone. Never have, never will be."
He simply looks at me, unfazed. "Lies often told are ones you frequently believe in."
"I'm not--"
The words remain on the tip of my tongue and I turn away, running a hand through my hair. It's ironically true; I am a liar, and lying oftenest saved my life - the life I try so hard to get rid of, I think to myself as I stare at my scarred wrists, at the most recent of my lacerations.
He is smirking as I look up, tears stinging my eyes. "So what if I'm lying? So what if I hide behind these masks I've created? Does lying make me a monster like you?" I hiss, tenaciously wiping away errant tears with the back of my hand. "Yes, I'm a fucking assassin. I'm a murderer. I kill because I'm ordered to, not because I have a choice. I'm a tool for his use, and that's all I've ever been. What I said about not belonging to anyone was a lie, that's true. I've always lied: to you, to others, to everyone I know, but most of all to myself. I've deluded myself for so many times that I can't tell if I'm still lying when I feel like what I'm saying is already the truth.
"You know, Shu, back then I only told you the truth. I never wanted you to know who-- what I am. But who am I kidding?" I laugh once more; a half-sob, half jeering laughter I don't know who I aim it at. "With your perfect self, with that gigantic brain of yours, you were always bound to know the truth sooner rather than later. But I lied again. I used to know the truth, and now I don't even know who I'm supposed to be anymore. You don't even care anyway. What's the use of being vulnerable now?" I pause, heaving a deep breath.
"I've always been the naïve little best friend to you. I was an idiot, a gullible little girl who wanted to have someone by her side. That was just it." I wipe away the last of my tears, forcing a smile.
"I lied when I said I hated you. I never have." I smile, just as the bell rings in the distance.
"I loved you - that much at least is true. That much at least I can say with certainty. But I don't know if you ever loved me back."
He opens his mouth as though to speak, a stricken look on his face. I look away, taking my phone out of my pocket as I step towards the trail leading up the mountain.
"Go. Pretend this never happened." I look back, the smile slipping from my face as a lone tear drips down to the grass below.
"The two of us have always been good at that, weren't we?"
-To be continued.
[Word Count: 2,040 (Notes excluded). Originally written February 14th, 2016. (For Valentine's Day xD). Edited: January 20th, 2017.]