My life was confined to a drug. One pill had the ability to stabilize or ruin my entire behavior; and it pissed me off. When I first got on Ativan, my mood swings were worse. It wasn't the pill, but probably more of me flipping out because I was on it in the first place.
It was hard to explain to Tyler how I felt, which made me feel even worse. If I didn't take that stupid pill, I was doing something wrong. I didn't feel like depending on something so small for something so big. The things I would do to go out and have fun without relying on a pill to give me that happiness.
Tyler's schedule was more and more demanding by the day. It felt as if he were barely home some days, and it left me do to do nothing but cry. He was the only thing in my life since April that never changed. He was someone who I would see at the end of the day, someone who would make sure I was okay at the end of the day. If he wasn't there in the end, who the hell would help me?
There were times that I'd flip out on him horribly; one day after a game, I told him how much of a joke it felt to be with him. He stood there as I threw insult after insult at him. When I was done, I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night, and until he had practice the next day. Arguments like these only happened when I didn't take my medicine; which was pretty often.
Tyler told me things weren't going to get better until I got used to taking it. There were days when he would be late to practice and morning skates just so he could make sure that I took my medicine. The hell I put him through was probably nothing compared to what I was going through.
After a couple of weeks, he trusted me to take my medicine without his supervision. I got used to it like he said I would, but it still annoyed me that I had to depend on one pill every day. With that, my mood swings got better, and I felt more comfortable around people and in public places. Those random, hot flashes of panic and absurd delusions were gone.
I was back to myself a week or two before the holiday season. The semester at UNT ended, and instead of having to make up a shit ton of work in order to pass, Tyler found a way to request them to exempt me from the work since I was "medical". Tyler invited his family down for Christmas dinner and they staid throughout New Years. His mom was a bit winded over not hearing a ton about me in the past; she only knew me as the girl who was concussed and needed help from her son. His sisters on the other hand seemed to take a huge liking towards me. I was confused as to why, since I was nothing really special.
Since they were staying for a while, I had to migrate from Tyler's room (which was never really my room), to another room that I had to share with his older sister Candace. I didn't mind it, though it was weird having a full house instead of just me and Tyler.
After the holiday season passed, everything felt back to normal. A new semester started at UNT, and I was still helping my sister out. The overbearing stress that was there in the past had disappeared. I was still making adjustments to Tyler's crazy schedule, and I wanted him by my side more and more everyday. He was still the constant stability in my life, throughout all of the changes in the past couple of months.
"Tyler," I sat down on the couch next to him. It was a late Thursday night, and he had come home from a game against the Sabres. "Thanks for everything. I know I dragged you from the pits of hell and back, and there were probably times you wanted to kill me, thanks for being there throughout everything."
He looked at me before running a hand through my hair. The familiar sight of his beard and his sly smile got me every fucking time. "Don't you have an essay due tomorrow, Sav?"
I rolled my eyes. "Don't you have a losing streak to break?"
"You're so annoying, we only lost one game." Tyler chuckled as he unwrapped a protein bar. "Don't you have a grade to bring up?"
I shrugged, laying my head on his shoulder. "Probably."