I don't regret inviting Noah to have dinner with mum and me, but I admit it could have gone better- so much better. It's been a while since I've last been frustrated by Noah's forward nature, and this time round it just had to occur in front of mum. In all honesty that's not even the part that has me most frustrated, it's what he said, or rather what he avoided mentioning on all our little meet ups on the balconies.
I could barely sleep last night, what with mum hogging most of the covers and my mind traitorously wandering back to the kebab hut and staring straight at Noah's surprised expression at mum's statement. I kept wincing and forcing my eyes shut, wanting to un-see and un-hear everything in hopes of forgetting, and perhaps tricking my stomach into undoing its tight knots of guilt. However when I woke up this morning for fajr, and saw the living area lights from Noah's apartment spilling their glow onto his balcony, the knots only constricted.
I'm not even sure anymore if my uneasiness stems from what happened last night, or how it was handled. I admit, I was rash, and maybe a bit too impassive, but I was just as confronted as he was. Nonetheless, I should have apologised. I should've have sucked it up simply, said sorry and taken the paper bag of felafels as a greasy peace offering. Maybe then, when we reached our landing, Noah would have shared his warm smile and bid goodnight with mum, with me as well and I wouldn't be feeling like a Debby downer.
"Hana is the taxi here yet?" I lean on the banister of the balcony, shifting my gaze between the street below and the apartment to my side.
"No," I reply for at least the sixth time. "They'll send you a text when it comes."
"I don't want to miss my flight."
"You won't." I steal a glance at Noah's balcony, angling to see inside his apartment, but there's no sight of him.
"You could've just dropped me off." I sigh as I turn to mum, whose taken yet another of my scarfs and tied it as a bandana around her hair.
"I've got a prac. I can't miss that." Mum shakes her head as she walks around to the kitchen cupboards.
"Do you think I have time for a cuppa?"
"Beats me."
"Have you got any of those travel mugs?"
"Nope." I stare down at the street and notice the yellow Holden pulling up behind the VB. At the same time I hear mum's phone ring with her message alert, and I can't help but be impressed at their accurate timing.
"It's here." We both say simultaneously and I chuckle lightly as I walk back into the apartment. Mum leaves the box of Lipton tea bags on the bench and quickly walks over to her suitcase and rolls it towards the door. I follow behind, feeling oddly blue at her abrupt stay and departure.
At the door, mum rolls her suitcase onto the landing and turns back to me. "Alrighty then." She smiles and so do I, but mine doesn't pass the corners of my mouth and heighten my cheeks and display my baby crows feet like hers. Pulling me into a hug, she rubs my back and squeezes my upper arms. "I'll see you in..."
"Two weeks or so."
"Love ya." She pulls back and pushes my scarf up over the crown of my head and kisses there.
"Love you." I watch her as she makes her way down the stairs with her suitcase, and I lean a little on the railing to watch her walk through the lobby. My eyes widen slightly in surprise as I see Noah walking in through the doors with a plastic bag, stopping when he sees mum and smiling kindly.
I watch as they chat momentarily, sharing brief words accompanied with a chuckle from both. I watch intently at their exchange, wishing to talk as freely with Noah as mum can, but mostly feeling more pathetic at not being decent enough to apologise. I continue to walk as mum pats Noah's arm and he holds the door open as she walks out with her suitcase. I watch as she turns and waves goodbye and he returns the gesture. I watch until the door closes and he turns around, and for the briefest moment, he catches me watching.
My heart takes one insecure thud against my chest as I take a hurried step back and tug my pushed back scarf lower down my forehead. Dampening my lips and fighting the heat in my cheeks I deliberate whether to walk back into my apartment or stay out here waiting for nothing in particular, except maybe some sort of acknowledgment by Noah- a smile would be nice.
As I hear the shuffle of soles on cement, I stand rooted in the middle of the landing, halfway from the railings and halfway from my open door. It's only when Noah stares at me, his gaze lingering from my probably messy scarf to my bare feet that I realise how stupid I must look. I want to respite, to turn away and shut myself in my apartment- my mortification free zone, but I don't. Instead, I bite down on my cheek and will myself to speak.
"Are you alright there?" My tongue remains knotted as Noah walks to his door, placing the plastic bag down as he unlocks it. I don't really know how to respond that, at least not in a way that won't need an explanation or make me seem stupid.
"Just seeing mum off." I look down at my feet, feeling the awkward tension building up a barrier between us and I can't help but reprimand myself for creating it.
"Right." He unlocks his door and picks up the plastic bag. In a moment of unforeseen panic at the permanence of the barrier between us, I take a step forward, standing closer to his door.
"I uh," I lick my lips, "I'm sorry about last night." Playing with the loose ends of my scarf, I make brief eye contact and let my gaze wander back to my toes. Noah doesn't say anything, for mostly a few seconds, but to me it feels like several prolonged minutes eating away at my confidence. I wait a little longer, and force myself to look up to Noah and stare at his face. He's staring back, expressionless, but still seemingly calm. In fact, his features hold remnants of a smile that I probably faded. "I didn't know it was supposed to be kept private."
"That's what you're apologising for?" He finally speaks and throws me off guard. Placing the plastic back in his hand on the floor of his hallway, he stands in front of me with his hands in his pockets.
"Was there something else?" A frown settles between my eyebrows and pulls them closer as I try to relive last night in a matter of seconds. Noah looks down at his shoes, then back at me, running a hand through his lengthened hair. He lets out a small chuckle followed by an unsure smile that leaves me confused beyond words.
"Never mind." He see-saws between his heels and toes, and he looks almost embarrassedly around the landing.
"What?"
"No, it's fine. It's stupid now. No need for an apology." He runs his fingers through his hair again, as he smiles warily, intriguing me more.
"I'm sorry for anything else too, including the felafels; they weren't that bad." I shrug, feeling slightly better about my confession, and even better at the wide grin adorning Noah's face. He laughs lightly and subconsciously I find a smile has slithered its way across my lips.
"Nice to know." He places a hand over his chest, "It means a lot."
"Sure." My smile widens as the knots in my stomach unravel and drown away. I'm feeling much better now, almost as tranquil as Noah. "I uh, I've got a prac, so..." I point my thumb over my shoulder in an informal excusal.
"Yeah, cool." He nods. I nod too and head back into my apartment. Closing the door behind me, I lean the weight of my body against it and sigh. I'm more than content right now. Surprisingly, being on good terms with Noah means more to me than I would care to admit, but a friendship like his is nice, too nice to give up over our preferences of felafels.
Just as I'm about to step away from the door, a knock sounds. I turn and open to find a shy looking Noah with a packet of biscuits on my door step. "Sorry, I bought YoYo's." He holds the Arnotts packet up between his long fingers and rattles it a little. "Do want to join me for coffee later on the balconies?"
"Um..."
"I make a mean cappuccino." He smiles, "And I've got YoYo's. It's practically a no brainer."
"Okay, yeah."
"Cool." He takes a couple of backward steps and calls out, "Good luck with the prac."
"Thanks." I shut the door, smiling and not letting my morals interfere with this fulfilling feeling from an unorthodox friendship.
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So, I definitely owe you all this update because it has definitely been a while. I'm so sorry, for keeping you all waiting and not sticking to my schedule for the life of me, but I have honestly been so busy, with basically no time to sit and write. I wrote bits of this chapter almost everyday so I'm sorry if it's short and all over the place. Also excuse the typos, I will get back to it and edit at some point. Anyhow, thank you so much for sticking by and reading, and I hope you like this.
And another thing, I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't want to drag this story on, and honestly, I think we may have it the halfway mark or maybe over. Feel free to tell me your thoughts :)
Vote, comment, share- let me know what you think!