I got out of Jesse's car, my heart beating a mile a minute and my stomach feeling as if it was shriveling up. The late autumn sun was beaming down on the back of my neck a bit harder than usual. My knitted sweater was growing thicker with each step closer to the backdoor of Tyler's house. The papers that sentenced my sanity were slipping through my sweaty hands, yet as much as I wanted them to blow away in the wind, they stayed put in my grasp.
Tyler's suspicions were right all along; there was something wrong with me. Dr. Baker, the middle aged man who tended to me asked for two different perspectives of my personality as of recent. Jesse, who has only known me for roughly a day, had trouble relaying my personality to the doctor. Instead, he told him a brief description of me from Tyler's perspective. I told Dr. Baker how I've been feeling lately; lack of hunger and interest. Feeling as if I wasn't really there. He decided it would be best to screen me for an anxiety disorder. The next day, which was today, he gave us the results; and I showed many symptoms. Dr.Baker eventually diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder.
He didn't stop there though; he screened me for Bipolar disorder as well. Fortunately, I didn't have it. Unfortunately, I was showing minor signs of it. Dr. Bailey assumed that the signs of Bipolar disorder were stemming through untreated and intensifying anxiety within me. He ultimately prescribed me with Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug.
It was Tuesday, and Tyler beat us home from his road trip to Arizona. He called Jesse asking where we were, and he reassured him that we'd be home soon, and that we were simply "out".
I reached for the handle to the backdoor before stopping in my tracks. I could see Tyler standing in the kitchen, picking at unopened mail.
He's going to be ashamed of me, I thought.
"Jesse, I'm scared." I whipped my head around towards him, clutching the papers for support.
He gave me a cynical glance. "Scared of what, Savannah?"
"Tyler," I said glancing back at him. He hadn't noticed us talking outside yet. "I feel like he's going to be mad or something."
"Mad at you for what? Having anxiety?"
I shrugged quietly, looking down. My heart beat was pounding uncontrollably, and I felt silly.
Jesse flung the door open, allowing me to step in first. My head stayed down, papers still towards my chest. You would think I was never really upset over Tyler leaving the other night with the way I walked into the house. Tyler, however, made up for lost words.
"Hey Savannah," he beamed, walking towards me. For some reason, the sense of warmth I usually get with Tyler's hugs was missing as he squeezed me tight. I tried my hardest to fight back the tears in the back of my eyes for him. "How are you?" Tyler pulled away and looked me in my eyes.
"I'm fine." I said quietly. Tyler's eyebrows furrowed, and I knew the next question that was coming.
"You okay?"
I nodded, smiling. Tyler didn't return it, but the papers clutched tightly to my side caught his eye. He reached for them. "What is this?"
I yanked them out of his grasp and stared him in the eyes. "It's nothing."
Irritation appeared on his face. "It's obviously something if you're snatching it away." He reached again, and I shoved his tattooed arm away. "Sav, what the fu-"
"I took her to the doctors today, Tyler." Jesse chimed out from the back of us. He sat his car keys on the island counter, giving me a silent yet serious look.
"The doctors? For what?" Tyler looked at me confused. My stomach twisted and my heart skipped a beat.
"Her head." Jesse said. Tyler's confusion was instantly washed away.
"What did they say?"
Jesse looked at me, and I handed the papers over to Tyler. My heart felt as if it was going to implode from the rapid beating. Tyler's eyes scanned the paper, reading the information on anxiety disorder and the review of our visit to Dr. Bailey. He looked up, scratching his head.
"She has an anxiety disorder?" He asked, glancing at me. Jesse nodded.
"They said some other things too, like she was on the verge of developing Bipolar disorder too."
Developing? I was showing signs, not growing some type of virus within me.
"They didn't say that. You serious?" Tyler eyes narrowed out of worry.
Jesse nodded again. "I shouldn't be the one telling you this though, we didn't go for my sake."
I felt the both of their eyes shift to me. "I really don't feel like talking about this, it literally says everything on the p-"
"It doesn't say anything about you having Bipolar disorder, though." Tyler interrupted. A surge of annoyance pumped through my body.
"Because I don't have it." I spat.
Tyler sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. "Savannah, please. What did they say ab-"
"They said I showed minor signs of Bipolar disorder since my anxiety was going untreated." I said irritably. My leg began to shake out of annoyance.
Tyler pursed his lips and looked away. "Well, did they say anything about this pill she was prescribed?" He directed his question towards Jesse this time.
"Yeah, they said she needed to take one a day. If conditions improve then she'll keep doing that for a while, and if they don't then we're supposed to take her back." Jesse glanced at me quickly before turning his attention back to Tyler.
He took one last glance at the papers and sighed. "Well, thanks man. I appreciate it, you know how I've been meaning to do this." They did their typical handshake and headed towards the backdoor, mumbling about something else.
Immediately, I headed upstairs. There was nothing I wanted more than to just curl up under some blankets and be by myself. After kicking my Converse off, I ripped my sweater and my jeans off of me. I threw on the first pair of tights I saw, and put on a VS Pink varsity crew shirt, something that I never seemed to run out of. I curled up under the blankets, finally at ease. I've waited for this solitude since the moment I was dragged out of the house.
There was too much to think about. I haven't been to classes in weeks, due to Tyler insisting that I stay home. My sister and her boyfriend already had a basic idea of what they wanted for their wedding; their color scheme and the exact place they wanted it to be held. I have done nothing with this information but store it in the back of my head.
I didn't want to tell Julia about my anxiety at all. It'd probably result in her dropping me as her "planner", or whatever she classified me as, and as much as I said I wanted it to happen- I just couldn't allow it. Maybe it was because we were already this far in, and it would be pointless to find someone else. Although if she did, I was positive that the results of her wedding would be spectacular, especially if she hired someone professional.
What was the point in making me her wedding planner? I was a complete idiot at the subject, so why even bother? Sometimes I wondered if Julia included me in things like this to make me feel better about myself.
"Savannah!" Tyler called. My body tensed and I groaned. I pulled the covers over my head in hopes that it would make him leave me alone.
The doorknob clicked, and in came two dogs panting wildly. Marshall came to the side of the bed and jumped on, plopping himself next to me. Cash followed his dad, and sat down besides the bed. Tyler laid next to me.
"Hey listen," he pulled at the sheet covering my head softly, revealing my eyes. "I know you probably want to punch me in the face for some reason, but we really have to talk."
I pulled the cover down so it could show my entire face. "Talk about what?"
Tyler gave me a cynical look. "You."
"I'm fine." I said nonchalantly.
Tyler's eyes narrowed. "Sav, you need to understand that this is actually pretty serious. You have an anxiety disorder. You're not going to see things the way you usually did, and I need you to understand that. The way you've been acting la-"
"Tyler, let me set one thing straight." I sat up, still wrapping the cover around me. "What I'm not going to tolerate from you, or anyone else, is the way you treat me from here on out. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't have parasites running through my blood stream. I don't want to be treated like, I'm growing some virus, like I'm not a person with emotions like you at the end of the day.
"I understand that I'm not going to be the same, and that I have a responsibility to take medicine and all of that other stuff, but I don't want that to be everyone's number one worry. I'm still a person as well, and there's other things to ask instead of if I took my medicine today, or how I'm going to handle my schedule. I'll be fine. When people see me, I don't want them to think that I constantly need to be babied. I can handle shit just like the next person can."
Tyler's eyes were full of sympathy and understanding. "You're right, I'm sorry. If I seem overbearing or annoying, let me know. But it's going to be hard not to monitor you since that's all I do, and you know it too. I'm sorry Sav."
"There's no need to apologize." I said. "It's natural to worry. I just don't want that to be the only thing people worry about when it comes to me."
Tyler sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I've been feeling pretty shitty lately, honestly." He stared up at the ceiling.
"Why?"
He shrugged. "I've been so busy lately with the game schedule, and practices that it's hard to come home to you and make sure everything is alright. If Jesse hadn't taken you to that place, I honestly have no clue when I would've had the chance to do it. I just wish I could like, take a week off and hang around with you. It's hard not seeing you as much as I used to, you know?"
I could hear the frustration in Tyler's voice. For the small seven months we've known each other, Tyler barely ever expressed himself like this. It was rare. "Tyler, it's nothing you can do about it, so you shouldn't worry. I'll be fine, I promise you." I laid down and put my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my neck and ran a large hand over my head.
"I don't want you to feel like I'm not doing as much as I can." Tyler said.
"Do you really think I'd think that after everything we've been through?" I said, looking up at him. Tyler chuckled quietly.
If he ever felt this way before, he certainly showed no signs of it. I sat up, and grabbed the side of his face and kissed his cheek. "There's no need to feel that way Tyler, trust me."
He turned and looked at me, before placing a kiss on my lips. "I'm really in love with you, you know that? It's getting kind of sickening." Tyler laughed out.
I smiled. "I guess I know now."