How we gonna fix this?
How we gonna undo all the pain?
Tell me, is it even worth it?
Looking through a straight line
Taking back the time we can't replace
The Only Reason - 5SOS
___
Nadine was tossing on her bed for good old two hours now, touching the unoccupied space beside her from time to time. The feeling of having it vacant has now become unusual to her, given that most of the night James would sleep there. Hugging her. Holding her hand. Kissing her goodnight. But, regrettably, not tonight or for a few nights after this or maybe forever.
Fights were never rare to their relationship; in fact it's not rare to every relationship. Usually, it would escalate from something small or petty that they need not to fuss about. Sometimes, it would be about her dress being too revealing or him not wearing his ring. But most of the time it's about her being workaholic. Nevertheless, after the exchange of emphatic insinuations of both parties with their remanding voice, they would just compromise and kiss and make up. However, tonight was different; as a matter of fact, this week is vastly disparate from their previous weeks, solely because they've been fighting a lot than usual. They both don't know how to fix it. And they would be lying if they say that they didn't feel the angst that eventually this will lead into something cataclysmic to their relationship, something that'll tore them apart, something that'll leave them no choice but leave each other.
Nadine had miniscule gist that the problem is her, she most likely had a hint about it from the start, but she didn't put much to it because she's very positive that James would understand. Heck, because he always understands. But lately he has become so needy. Grabbing her hand in front of many people, hugging her almost every time, kissing her not mindful if someone's watching, and it always leaves her frantic and anxious. It ticked her a little, hence leading her to threaten him. To be completely fair, she didn't really mean to say that, it was just her way of scaring him. Somewhat an ultimatum. They've talked about it since they began dating each other, they made it a stern point not to tell anyone except their closest friends, or maybe it was just her who wants that to happen. But when you're in a relationship, one can never take "Break-up threats" ever so lightly. And it was her mistake that she brought it up.
"Ikaw naman kasi Nadine you shouldn't have said that. Ayan tuloy." She scolded herself, but her voice was never akin to being mad it was more of being solemn and sad than otherwise.
It's true that you'll only regret something when it's gone – or in her case, he's gone. She didn't believe it then but now that she finally experienced it, it was all that she can think about. Unconsciously, she took James's love for granted. She got used to the idea of him always being there that she didn't put much of paying attention to his feelings anymore. She got used to his treatments that all she can think of is no matter what she'll do or say he would always be there. She had set his feelings aside without her realizing it. Except, everyone has their own limits, and James reached his tonight. And now, now that he's gone, all of it dawned her – her mistakes, the way she treats him, all of it.
What had happened earlier was still very vivid in her mind. How he cursed beneath his breath just so she can't hear him, because he knew that she never like him cursing. How he braced the kitchen counter just to take everything in instead of dodging it. How he's holding back his voice, because he don't want to shout at her. How he stared at her with his saddest eyes, full of hurt, pain and disappointment. How he left without even uttering a single goodbye, but closed the door ever so lightly because she hates hearing it. And how she's so adamant in proving her point at him without even considering what he feels. How she continued to talk not wanting to be interrupted, without even giving him a second of time to explain his side.
She tried to convince herself that she's just caught up with her anger, that it was a hype of the moment kind of thing. But words had a way of hurting someone, worse thing is once you said it you can never take it back. Words are like knives that aim from the inside, no wounds in physical aspect but deep cuts can be found at the core of our heart.
"James naman, sabi ko naman sayo na let's be discreet about us."
"Sa pinaggagawa mo baka paggising natin bukas the world would know that we're together."
"I thought we agreed on this?" she didn't even look at him when she uttered it, she didn't see how he winced at every emphasis she did when she said it. On the contrary, James gaze was fixated on Nadine, trying his very best to understand her, trying his very best not to mind the pain in his heart.
"James naman. You can hug me. You can kiss me naman eh. As long as tayo lang or yung mga nakakaalam lang ang nandyan. What if this breaks out? Tapos masisira ang career natin. Tapos media people will do anything to break us up, you like that? Why are you so careless in everything you do? Do I need to remind you everytime? Malaki ka na. You should know what's right and wrong." And that's all it took to tick James anger button too. He was still holding back though, still speechless at how his girlfriend was acting. Is it wrong to hug the girl you love? Is it wrong to show her how much you love her? Is it wrong to love someone? Besides, he made sure no one's watching when he did that and he's not really sure where his girlfriend's coming from on why she's so mad about it, as if she didn't want him at all. And she need not necessitate bringing up the careless thing again, because they both know that when it comes to her he was far from being lackadaisical.
"So it's wrong to hug you or kiss you now?" He asked, the seething emotions that he felt was never palpable through his voice, he was pretty calm on the outside but if she only look closely she would know how what's happening between them impaired him so much.
Nadine was vigorously scratching her hair when he mumbled that, his question made her mad a little bit more than she already is. She thought of how close minded he is. She thought of how selfish he is. But she never thought of how selfish she is too. How she deprived herself from compromising just because she's livid. She's on the peak of her anger that it's taking away her sanity, she couldn't think straight. She couldn't think of anything except the catalyst of their fight.
"Uggghhhh," she screeched with full exasperation, "If you'll do that again, then I think we should break up."
The words were articulated very lucidly for him not to hear it. His brain kept on repeating "break up" like a broken record. He was scared, mad, and disappointed all rolled up to one. He couldn't understand how simple it is for her to bring that up, as if it's just easy for her to break up with him. It made his knees frail that he needed to brace the kitchen counter for support. It made his heart constrict into a different kind of pain. It made him feel a whirlwind of emotions inside, to the point that he couldn't suppress his tears anymore. What she said was like an avalanche of snow cascading through his spine, leaving a trail of soreness along the way.
Nadine on the contrary was still very furious. Her stares were like daggers piercing through him. But both of them remained silent, letting her last phrase lingered on the suffocating air of tension between them. He muffled a few curses beneath his breath. And the next thing she knew, he was already out of her apartment.
It was just then that she became conscious about what she said and what she should've said. It was just then that she apprehended how selfish she acted. It was just then, just when he's out – when he's gone. If only she can turn back time then she would do everything just to take everything she uttered back. If only she can turn back time then she would handle everything differently. But she can't, she already hurt him, and all she can do right now is to apologize and hope, hope that eventually he will come around and take her back. Hope that he would still forgive her after everything she did.
___
This is a crappy update, it was written in just one hour or less. I'm sorry I just had to post this. This is my way of coping with my CLeah heart, after I watched the preview of their San Fo scene I wrote this, simply because I'm a masochist. When I'm hurt I torture myself with pain until it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm sorry for dragging you all into this, but hope you still enjoy reading it.
Thank you for your kind words in my previous stories. Let's continue to support James and Nadine in their future endeavors until the very end.
xoxo
-Z