Tris left me alone not soon after to go find Tobias and talk to him. Knowing him, he won't take it well. He'll make it seem fine but I know he won't be fine. He'll close himself off, especially from me.
I don't have to wait long for Eric to show up. He barges in through the doors, stomping his way over towards my bed before plopping down in the chair. He lets out a sigh before running a hand through the long section of hair that rests atop his head.
"How are you feeling?"
"We need to talk."
Eric tilts his head to the side, and even I can't deny that it's cute.
"Okay...? What about?"
"Us."
"What about us?"
"There can't be an 'us', Eric. I-I can't handle it."
He frowns, lines forming on his forehead as he furrows his eyebrows. I vaguely notice his knuckles tightening on the arm rest of the chair. "What do you mean?"
I take a deep breath. This isn't going to be easy. "What I mean is... I don't know what's going on with us right now. It's all just moving too fast, and it's overwhelming, and-"
"So we'll go slower."
"No. No," I tell him as I close my eyes and shake my head. I knew he would be like this. Time to bring out the big guns. I turn and face him, looking him directly in the eye. "All of this, all of... Us, it wasn't real. I didn't know what I was doing."
Now Eric looks hurt, and by god if it isn't killing me right now. "You can't possibly mean that."
"I do." Lie.
"So when you saved me at capture the flag... When you thanked me when I helped you..."
"I don't know what I was thinking. I was scared."
He stares at me, his eyes cold now. "You're scared of me?"
I swallow deeply, slowly nodding my head. He lets out a dark chuckle, shaking his head and looking away. The sad thing is that he looks more mad at himself than he does at me right now. "I should've known." He stands and punches the wall, obviously frustrated. I wince at his reaction, because I know what it's like to be where that wall is right now, and having Eric react like this is causing my anxiety levels to rise.
"Is there something else you're not telling me? Is Four even your real brother?" I go to answer but he just closes his eyes and shakes his head again. "Forget it. I don't even care." And with that he walks out of the room.
I stare at the doors, where he just left. I feel terrible. It's the second time I've lied to him, but this... This made me feel so much worse.
But it needed to be done.
"You know, you could've handled that a little differently sweetie."
The voice that appears to the left of me scares the bejeezus out of me. I jump, nearly falling off the bed in the process.
"Oh I'm sorry, honey. Did I scare you?" The nurse who stitched me up when Eric cut me with the knife asks, stepping out of the door that probably leads to the rest of the infirmary. "I'm just here to check up on you. And I may have heard what you said a little bit."
I purse my lips. "Just how much did you hear?"
The older woman taps her chin, pretending to think hard about her answer. "About all of it."
"Even the part with Tris?"
"Even the part with Tris."
I sigh, dropping my head against the wall. "Hey now! You're never going to leave here if you keep injuring yourself more."
"You won't tell anyone, right?"
"Honey, why would I do that? Though I don't particularly agree with what you're doing, it's also not my business to interfere. I'm Mary, by the way."
"Crystal." I say, extending my hand and shaking hers. Last time I was here Tobias was with me so I didn't have a lot of time to make small talk with her. Though I do remember her complimenting me even though I had a cut on my face. She's nice.
She sits on the edge of the bed and pats my leg. "I know this may be hard for you right now, but I just want to let you know that I don't think what you're doing right now is the right choice."
"But I can't handle all of this. If Eric and I were a thing, then my head would explode and you'd be cleaning it off the walls. I just need to focus on passing initiation right now."
She nods. "I get what you're saying, but it could've been approached in a different way. Though I know most people might not see it, but Eric is a good man. And I know he cares about you."
"Mary..." I start, not wanting to deal with this right now. Especially considering what just happened.
"The way he carried you in here when you passed out, and when you were attacked... I've never seen him like that with anyone else before. It's like he was a completely different person."
I put my head in my hands. This is too much. When I speak my voice sounds weird, like I was crying. Which you know, I had been. "Am I free to go?"
She pats my leg once again and nods her head. "Just nothing too strenuous. Part two of initiation starts tomorrow. Take it easy until then."
"Thank you Mary, for everything." I say and then exit the room.
----------------------------------------------
The rest of the day is pretty sober. I go back to the dormitories and lay on my bed, eventually falling asleep. When I awake it's the middle of the night and Will is holding Christina while she cries. I pretend I'm asleep. And from the way she's laying, I know Tris is pretending as well.
Eventually I do fall back asleep, though I don't get much. I toss and turn all night, my dreams plagued with visions of Al. Needless to say that when I look at my face in the mirror in the morning, I don't look very good.
Tobias is the one who wakes us up. He doesn't look at me and I don't look at him. The rest of the initiates and I get dressed before we're herded to a hallway that has one lone door at the end of it. One by one people are called through the door by Tobias, but they don't come back out. The timing between each person varies. Sometimes it's no more than fifteen minutes, and others it's almost half an hour.
"Jackie." Tobias calls, opening the door and holding it for the Dauntless born who steps into the room. The door shuts with a bang, once again causing silence to settle over me and the remaining six initiates.
Tris is here with me, along with Will, Uriah, Peter, Brian, and Luke, the two kids who helped me back at capture the flag.
"I could really go for some cake." Uriah speaks, not looking at anything directly.
"If you keep eating all that cake you'll get fat and have no chance of staying here in Dauntless," Peter sneers at him, sitting up from the wall and leaning towards Uriah.
"If you keep running your mouth I'll punch you and then you'll have no chance of talking ever again. Got it?" Brian snaps back. He must be friends with Uriah. It's hard to not like Uriah.
"Hey, you wanna pick a fight? Go right on ahead. There's only fifteen initiates left; why not make it fourteen?" Peter instigates.
"Shut up, Peter," I say rolling my eyes. "Nobody wants to pick a fight."
"Yeah, I know you don't. You'll just have your boyfriend fight for you anyways. Oh wait, but which one? Four or Eric?" He laughs, clutching his stomach.
I clench my hands into fists. I'm really not in the mood for this. Tris notices my anger and places her hand on my shoulder, calming me down but only a little bit.
"Peter." Tobias calls, breaking me from my glaring contest with Peter. He glances at me with a raised eyebrow, but then his expression quickly becomes neutral again.
Peter stands and walks past me, but not before making sure to kick my foot that I had stretched out. A pain shoots up my ankle, and I swear under my breath at him. I watch as he enters the room and Tobias once again shuts the door.
"I wonder what's going on in there." Luke questions, tapping his chin.
"No one knows. Not even my brother was allowed to tell me what happens. It's a part of the rules." Uriah states.
"That's a stupid rule," Will says. "If we knew then maybe we'd be able to prepare for it."
"That's what's Dauntless about it, though," Tris adds, "Because if we knew then how would they know that we'd be prepared for whatever it is that's going on in there? They're testing us. They want to see how we respond under pressure."
I nod. It makes sense what she said. This must be emotional or mental, whatever it is they're having us do behind that door. A few minutes later and Luke is called. None of us speak the rest of the time we wait. The anticipation of what could possibly be going on clouding any other thought we may possibly have.
Will gets called, then Uriah, then Brian. When it's finally Tris and I we still don't say anything, but we do hold onto each other for support.
"Crystal." Tobias calls, not looking at either of us.
I give Tris a forced smile and stand, walking into the room that Tobias has been held up in for the past two hours. It's not quite what I was expecting.
In the middle of the room is a chair like from the placement tests, which automatically makes me feel uneasy. Next to it is a set of computers and in the corner of the room is another chair, though this one is like the ones in the cafeteria.
"Have a seat," Tobias instructs. I do as he says, leaning my head back slowly against the rest it has set up for me. Tobias turns around with a needle gun in his hand, a small vile of weird looking liquid ready to be injected.
"I'm going to inject you with a serum that simulates the part of your brain that processes fear."
"Great." I say sarcastically.
"It induces a hallucination," he continues, ignoring my remark, "and then transmitters in the serum allow me to see images in your mind."
I swallow. "You're going to see inside my head?"
He pauses. "Mhm." He says, giving me a look that says 'I thought it was self explanatory'.
Well excuse me.
"Lean back," He instructs, pushing lightly on my shoulder. I relax, resting my head between the two sides that lay on the head extension. He places the needle to my neck and I wince as he pushes it into my skin. I feel the serum invade my blood, and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding when he pulls the needle back out.
"Now you're going to be facing your worst fears, Crystal. Most people have 10 - 15 really bad ones. You have to calm yourself, slow your heart rate and your breathing, and deal with what's in front of you." His voice becomes deeper and lighter in sound, and I feel my eyelids grow heavy. I vaguely feel him place his hand on mine and squeeze.
"Be brave, little sis."