My visit to my mother's didn't turn out to be anything special, but it was notable that once we caught up, it was as if that two year gap never happened.
Of course, there is the issue where it's still a little awkward between the two of us, as in, we don't socialise how we used to. Asking a simple question felt like I was treading enemy lines and looking at each other felt as if she could see into my soul.
Once the weekend was over, I headed back home. Unfortunately, I didn't find out why my mother left nor did I find out why she never tried to contact me. I had this irk that she did try but perhaps dad wouldn't let her. After leaving how she did, I reckon he'd hold a grudge even after all this time. I still couldn't pin a person to it. Who should get the blame? Did dad cheat? Is that why he left? Then again, dad was whipped and I just know that he'd never ever I'm his entire life do such a reckless act of betrayal. If anything, mother would've been more likely to do that, but all in all, I think that reasoning was far fetched anyway and it's not likely that's even the real explanation.
There were so many questions still, so much to find out, and I couldn't care less if it wasn't my story. I'm determined to figure this out, whatever it takes. If mum and dad wanted this to be buried, then it sure as hell isn't going to stay that way. I've learnt well enough you can't run from the past because it'll just catch up to you.
To make matters worse, I can't seem to stop listening to New Level and stalking their band on Facebook and Twitter. Apparently, there's a single coming out and it's named after Ben because all of the songs included are going to just be his. I could've seen it coming, Jace did his own single too.
New Level isn't exactly the type of music I like to listen to. Usually, I like to listen to RnB and Dance and perhaps a bit of House too. However, it seems my mind is opening up to new music because New Level are none of those. Nope, they're all about that acoustic life and mellow vibes. They're kind of like a low-key Boyce Avenue since they mainly do covers of well known songs.
It feels like they're my secret since they're not really known very well. They were in the 'undiscovered' section at HMV after all. They had a tiny fan base with about 400 fans on Facebook and then 1,000 followers on Twitter.
Laying around in bed all day was all I could do since coming back home. I just loved having all these random incessant thoughts in my head that drove me me crazy.
Harry was in the garden practicing the dance routine with my sister and a bunch of people from their dance class. Apparently there's going to be a mini competition next month between a bunch of a different dance groups and I know my sister hates losing. She won't stand for it, so even if that means inviting a bunch of people to our house, then she's totally up for it.
Come to think of it, the loud dance music was completely ruining my 'me time'. I mean, how are you supposed to listen to House, RnB and Mellow Acoustic music while stalking bands in Facebook if all you can hear outside your window is counting, screaming and orders?
I huffed before clambering out of bed and shoving on a pair of fluffy penguin slippers and making my way downstairs. The last time I was downstairs was around breakfast time, so it's been a couple hours since it's now tea time and the scent of Karen's weird fruit flavoured tea's were wafting around the house.
I followed the scent to the living room, seeing Karen sat on the sofa, holding the tea cup to her mouth. Beside her, much to my chagrin, was Ben. They were happily chatting.
"What's he doing here?" I asked, gritting my teeth. So what? We're all buddy buddy now that he's been here a couple times?
"Flynn-"
"No, Karen, you barely known him. He's not who you think he is." Plus, it's kind of hard on me too.
"Alright, Flynn, chill out. I'll just wait until they've finished dance practice. I have to take them home." Ben explained. "I'm sorry."
I just crossed my arms over my chest and chewed on the inside of my cheek. It sounded that that apology wasn't just an apology for today, but instead, an apology for all the things he's done in the past. Whatever though. I just muttered a 'fine' and walked into the kitchen to make some tea.
Karen walked in as I switched the kettle on, a worried look was painting her features. "What's up?"
"I just don't understand why he has to be here when he doesn't even live that far away and he drives." I huffed, dropping a teabag into my mug.
I turned to face her, hoping she's say something, but there was nothing. The only sound around us was the incessant dance music and the sound of the electric kettle bubbling.
"Nothing."
"You just seem... Snappy." She said, dropping her empty mug into the sink. It was already piling up with a bunch of glasses and plates.
"I'm not trying to be. He's too young for you, anyway." I smirked a little at the crappy joke.
She just rolled her eyes and smiled. "Shut up, Flynn. Don't be a moron, and don't change the subject either."
"Subject?"
"You're not as calm as you used to be. You get fired up quickly."
"Probably a side effect of you know what." I waved off. I think I remember it being mentioned in that booklet that the doctor gave me.
I poured the boiled water into my mug and took some milk out, but I left it on the side so I could let the tea brew.
"We are going to talk more about this, and why you left last week without a word."
"Why do you care?" I cocked a brow.
"I was so worried, Flynn. You wouldn't pick your phone up, you wouldn't read your texts. In the end, your dad and I agreed on giving this Marcia girl a ring. Is she the girl you were in love with?"
I sighed and leaned against the counter. "Yes."
"I'm glad you got things resolved with her. You did resolve things, didn't you?"
"Kind of. We're friends now." Does falling asleep in each other's arms after confronting each other count as resolving? I don't think it does.
She just smiled and left, probably back to Ben so they could continue their mother's meeting.
I just poured some milk in my tea and made my way upstairs again to start a Netflix binge seeming as I had nothing else to do.
I saw the sun go down through my window and I my tea cup was now empty. How long passed? I was on the eighth episode when I started but now I'm on the twelfth... One and a half hours I'm guessing? Crap.
I heard a knock come from my door and I reached over to unlock it since my bed was positioned next to the door. Ben bustled through.
"Er... Hi?" I cocked a brow.
"I was just leaving. I just want to say sorry for you know... Intruding. You weren't happy about that." He leaned against the doorframe, just over the threshold, as if stepping in any further would cause the carpet to swallow him in a lava pit.
"Thanks." I muttered.
"I won't come round again, if that's what you want." I watched as he bit in his lip, but it was in a more nervous way than it was seductive.
Flynn, this is your chance! If he doesn't come around again, then your feelings from the past won't come back.
"No, I just overreacted. You're welcome here, I'm sorry."
Idiot.
"Alright, well I guess I'll see you around." He said, clearing his throat and standing up properly. He gave an awkward wave and reached over to the door handle to close it again.
"-wait."
He stepped in the room, confused, and surprised. The carpet didn't swallow him up, unfortunately.
"Is there a spare seat in the car?"
"Um, yeah. Why? You want to help me take the kids home?"
I just struggled and closed the lid of my laptop. "May as well." I had to say that to keep my cool, of course.
"Might want to wrap up warm, the heater isn't very good." He said.
"Please, I'm there, meaning it'll feel like the fucking sun is in the car." I scoffed, shoving past him and walked down the stairs. I heard his hoarse chuckle behind me and I couldn't help the smile that spread on my lips.
I picked a coat out from the rack and shoved on a pair of Timberlands before hopping into the passenger seat. This wasn't Ben's '69 Charger, he had another car today, a much different one. It was a seven seater highlander.
"What happened to your other car?" I asked Ben as he jumped in.
"I sold it just last week. What's it to you?"
"My dad liked it, but whatever." I shrugged and leaned against the window. Harry and a couple of his dance friends were talking amongst themselves in the back.
The first stop was or course, Ben's house, since it's so close. Harry jumped out because he was complaining earlier about homework he had to do for tomorrow.
We ended up going right out of town and into a literal forest to drop the last person off. Since it was dark, and the car was new, Ben didn't seem like the most confident driver right now. Of course, I couldn't hold in my giggles.
"Hey, shut up." Ben frowned. He parked to the side and started playing with the settings for the headlights. He finally figured out how to get them on automatic.
"Do you want me to drive? Or is that just going to ruin your pride of being a good driver?"
He remained frowning. "No, I'm good."
"Isn't this the part where the poltergeist comes out the bushes and attacks us both?" I laughed, remembering watching the scary movie with him.
"It's taking me all of my will power not to chuck you out of the car right now." He turned to me with the melt bemused expression I've seen him wear all day.
"I'm sure Karen will hunt you down and kill you if you did such a thing. I heard you're buddies now, wouldn't want to ruin that. Not when you're getting close. Real close."
"Ha. That's hilarious. Unfortunately for her, I don't like older women, or ones that are married for that matter."
"Well." I put my feet up in the dashboard, "are we leaving anytime soon?"
"Yes. I'm just going to figure the way out of the jungle on google maps." He replied, taking out his phone. "Damn, no signal."
"I think it's that way." I said, pointing to a clearing. He put the gear into drive and followed the clearing.
"Left here, then there's a right, and another one, then you'll see the main road." I said. I've always been told I'm good at directions, unfortunately for me, that means being asked by dad a billion times which way is where since he's terrible at directions.
"Thanks." He said awkwardly, and cleared his throat. I'm guessing he didn't like to admit defeat.
"Can we pick up pizza on the way?" I grinned hopefully. "I also wanted to talk."
"To me? Why? And I'm not your chauffeur service."
"Well I did offer to drive, didn't I?" He just rolled his eyes and focused on the road.
"Fine. Ring Domino's up on your phone. I want a Meat Feast."
After ringing up the pizza place, I isn't have much else to do since Ben was just focused on his driving, leaving me to my own thoughts with ABBA playing on the radio station in the background.
I didn't know exactly what I wanted to talk to Ben about, but I just knew there were a few things unresolved, and there were things that we needed to discuss since he's now barging into my life and I didn't know how comfortable I was with it. I still felt scared he'd punch me at any given moment just for saying 'hello'. I wondered if he felt the same way, even though I've only ever punched him once in my life.
Liam and the crew never physically abused Ben. At least, I think they didn't. Who knew what they did behind closed doors? All I knew is that they enjoyed mocking Ben because of his brilliance. He was clever, he didn't have many friends, and he used to just loom in the shadows. No wonder he was an easy target for Liam's petty mocking.
We picked up our pizza since there was a Domino's literally everywhere, and the smell of pizza filled the car. We were just parked up in the kerb.
"What did you want to talk about?" Ben asked monotonously, taking a big bite of his pizza.
I swallowed down my own pizza before talking. "You know... Stuff. Did Liam ever physically hurt you?"
He sighed. "Why are you bringing this up?"
"Just wondering."
"No, not him, but a friend of his did. They didn't exactly hold the record for best puncher, however." He said, probably trying to not let down his ego.
I put my pizza down and frowned. "I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I'm feeling remorseful. We're mature adults. Shut up and let me finish." I narrowed my eyes at him and he snorted, but make a motion with his hand for me to continue. "Believe it or not, I liked teaming up with Liam because he's cool and I've always felt like such an outsider without him around. I found joy in tormenting you, and I'm not as compassionate as Zach, so for that, I apologise."
"Aw, that warmed my heart." Ben joked, placing a hand over his heart. I pursed my lips but felt my smile trying to burst out, so I slapped his arm.
"And I'm sorry for what happened in the basement, it was a dare."
"You know you could've kindly asked me to lie to your buddies and admit we did kiss." He explained.
"No, I'm sure there's camera's planted down there by the crew. It had to actually happen." Lies. I just really wanted to kiss him back then.
"Oh, so your friends are creepy stalkers. I guess they learnt from you." He chortled, picking up a pizza slice. I rolled my eyes and mimicked his actions.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to start on a clean slate with you, but, just that. We don't have to talk, but I just don't want to keep thinking about that time you made me black out whenever I see you." I gulped. He sighed, running his spare hand through his shaggy hair.
"Is that literally your first thought when you see me?" He furrowed his brows and looked at me with pity.
"Yes." I looked down to my pizza. I mean, there was also that important factor about what happened before that moment. I almost gave away the fact I had a crush on him!
"Maybe, whenever you see me, think of this moment. You know, letting everything out in the open." He lifted his glasses higher up his nose and ran a hand through his hair to move a some hair that fell in front of his eyes. "whenever I see you, I think of that time you went on and on about Mulan, before then, I used to remember that time you punched me."
"Really?"
"Yes, and before I became the new me, it used to scare me." He pursed his lips together. "But! That was years ago, when I was just a kid."
I let out a wry laugh at how he was trying to keep his cool. I watched him take a bite of his pizza and was looking at me as I ate mine. I was trying not to laugh at just how big his ego is. It probably puts Buckingham Palace off the scale completely. It was just that big.
He reached over to my pizza box and took a slice of my boring cheese and tomato and shoved it into his mouth. "That's for all those times you stole my food." He said with his mouth full of pizza.
"Gross." I cringed at all the mushed up pizza in his mouth as he tried to chew it all down.
"I did my research, and I know why you reacted the way you did to Mulan." He blurted out. I stiffened and internally panicked a little just thinking about what he'd do with such information. Will be treat me differently like the rest of my family have been recently?
"Whatever. Just say it." I huffed, turning away from his judgemental eyes.
"Cyclothymia. Flynn, if I knew-"
"You what? You wouldn't have punched me? You wouldn't have been as nice as you were today?" I felt angry just thinking about how much my life is going to shit. Can't I just live a normal life? Now he's just going to think of my disease when he thinks of me.
"Flynn, I just wanted you to know that I'm happy to lend an ear if you need it. We're on a clean slate now, aren't we?"
"Just.. Stop talking, please. I don't want to hear it. All I hear is that same sentence and I fucking loathe it."
He listened and we ended up eating our pizza in silence before driving back into town in silence and I even hopped out the car without uttering a word. No 'bye', no 'see you later'. No nothing.
As soon as I got inside the house, I ran to my room, only to lock the door and burst into tears on my bed. It was weird since I haven't cried in a a long time. The last time I remember I cried this hard was when mum left and fuck, I cried a lot.
It just hurt to think this fucking disease is my life now. It's also the first thing people will think of when they see me, it's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. It's the first thing to judge me on, and the only thing stopping me from feeling normal.
I tried so hard to not feel like such an outcast, but now I am one now, and I'm going to feel the same way until the day I die.