Cause I can’t hold when I'm stretched so thin/I make the right moves but I’m lost within/I put on my daily facade but then/I just end up getting hurt again/By myself/I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can’t rely on myself~Linkin Park – By Myself
I awoke with a startled gasp after I had experienced even more sights; instinctively I patted the space beside and all around me in my bed. I bit back a whimper of pain as reality hit me hard, he wasn’t here. He wasn’t beside me, sleeping in the same bed as I. I was finally back home in my own bed and naturally I just presumed that he’d be here, beside me.
Yet I was wrong, I had after all sent him away.
I curled myself tighter in a ball as I tried with all my might to will myself back to sleep so I could dream and listen in on Will’s thoughts. I knew it was rude to be snooping in his thoughts and pass but I craved to somehow be close to him, and even if it were of agony filled visions so be it.
My mind spiraled back on all the details my dreams just slithered by, there were countless of them some lingering longer than other. After I went back and relived Will talking with Gabe and Ty I went on to experience and live more.
I went back to when he was researching with Erin and how every time he had to hold his hand back from the phone of calling me as he wanted me to study, the exams after all highly important. He knew that if he told me what was going on I surely wasn’t going to be studying let alone attending the exams.
I experienced his depression of darken despair over in France where he spent his time moping, sleeping or drinking even, Erin herself had quoted. I watched as he sat in a dark and dreary bar having a break after a tiring day of travelling and Erin was complaining, her voice enough to make you cringe, she complained about Will’s depressing and awful company and how she wanted to have fun. I watched on as he just grunted took another swig of the throat scorching alcohol and reach for his phone only for Erin to snap at him and say that I needed space and to leave me alone ‘till I was back and how our phones were being tracked. It wasn’t Erin’s obvious tactics in creating drama (well at least obvious to any female) that angered me or hurt most. No that didn’t hurt at all because I was satisfied in noting how oblivious Will was, he didn’t even spare her a glance, and his thoughts were consumed of me and me alone. What hurt was the other words that left her mouth, words similar to Jacks and Brooke, words stating how lucky I was and in the end it was my fault, how I was acting like an immature fool and needed to grow up. It didn’t hurt because it was from her; it hurt because even though Will defended me with such dedication I knew she was right. Especially now I knew she was a hundred percent right, I was the biggest idiot on the planet.
I felt finally what it was like to be a werewolf, I experienced through Will’s past memory of him racing to Sydney as soon as he discovered where I was. I experienced him running for hours beyond even though he was baring jet lag and I experienced the thrill and excitement he experienced from running, the freedom. Will didn’t though, the entire time he solely focused on me, his destination, he didn’t care what was to come he just wanted me. He wanted to see I was safe, he had no idea of what had happened to me or why I was in Sydney exactly but he was set on taking all my pain away. He conquered an eight hour drive by car in five by feet, or rather paws. His mind never straying far from me and the entire time set on fixing all of my sorrows, destroying all my fears and fretting on how he was going to break the news of my father’s disappearance. Yet at the end of the day, all he wanted to do was hold me.
I even experienced his rage, red hot rage of bloodlust. I was within his body as he fought off every single person in his path as he fought in the mansion against Astroid’s crones and he didn’t falter. He was like a machine, lethal and striking with such precision I couldn’t help but feel entranced and in awe as I experienced it. The anger that consumed him was beyond frightening though as his entire self target was on destroying Astroid and bringing him to his feet, making his breath stop and his eyes to lose all light and life. He was on a mission to kill and save me and not once did the animal within him prevail. I witnessed as for the first time ever Will accepted and granted what was within him and befriended the animal side of him, for the second time ever he was grateful for being a werewolf as it bought him closer to me and saving me.
It was then that I discovered that the first thing that allowed him to accept and be grateful to be something he hated about himself was me. If he wasn’t a werewolf he may have never met me, he’d never have found hope and he couldn’t bare that, he needed me like oxygen and he was beyond thankful towards the gods with blessing him with me and the love I held for him. He cradled my heart with such pride and dedication it made my inner self tremble.
It was as I reflected on all of these comforting and heartwarming feelings with a goofy smile on my lips that I suddenly realized the weirdness of this situation. I hadn’t questioned it but now I was; how on earth was I able to go back and relived Will’s past through dreams?
“Soon Tanze you’ll be feeling a lot better, and clearer of all around you.”
Amber’s words bounced off the inside of my thoughts and suddenly it all fell into perspective. And although I was happy to understand, to finally see where I truly stood I was beyond enraged.
Throwing the blankets back from me and scrambling out of bed I threw my door opened in nothing but my small black yoga shorts and a white singlet and my hair an utter and complete havoc of blood red curls. I stormed down the hall and into the kitchen were Amber and Adam step into the kitchen from the lounge room laughing. Their faces froze as they saw my fiery expression and rather wisely Adam took a step back, all laughter vanishing from their face.
“You had no right.” I seethed, my eyes narrowed beyond natural towards her and my hands fisted as my nails dug and buried themselves into the palm of my hands and drawing blood.
Amber’s face showed no traces of confusion or guilt it rather showed understanding and certainty. I felt enraged at that furthermore how she felt no remorse for toying with my life let alone my entire future.
She looked me dead in the eyes as she looked at me “You had to understand Tanze, and in all honesty wake the hell up to yourself.” She said in a calm and sincere voice.
That enraged me more knowing she also, like Erin didn’t agree with my actions, for all I knew they could all be talking behind my back and bad mouthing me, the thought put me at unease. I felt ashamed as enough as it was, I didn’t need others knowing and speaking of it. I think that was where mainly my anger was escalating from, mainly myself and my stupidity but I rather took it out on someone else. Just like I had done to Will.
“You had no right to toy with my mind! With my decisions just for your own happiness!” I shouted at her across the large expanse between us.
Amber had the courage to snort at me “For my own happiness?” she cried incredulously. “Tanze I won’t be the one in pain if you and Will never get together, never will it be me in pain. It will be you so don’t dare you stand here screaming at me and blaming me for being selfish when it’s you who is being selfish!” she cried back her anger building also.
My eyes narrowed as I sent her a deadly look “I am far from fucking selfish Amber! I put my life on the line so your world could have soul mates, I put my life on hold so you could have true love so don’t you dare stand here and accuse me of being selfish!” I screamed back seeing red, I was livid.
Amber shook her head “You are being selfish, because you don’t have the balls to walk out that door and go tell your soul mate that you were wrong! That you screwed up, not him but you.” She gritted.
I shook my head “I put up with so much shit Amber, you of all people know that, and I did it all for your world and I still am putting up with it. It would be just fuckin’ peachy if I didn’t have more drama to deal with, like oh I don’t know you drugging my cup of tea!” I cried back fuming.
Amber rolled her eyes in exasperation “When are you going to learn Tanze that it isn’t my world, but ours. You can run as much as you freakin well want to but you can’t hide from the truth, it’s there and it’s never going to leave. You know the truth of what exists in this world and you can try for some normality” she spat “but it won’t come, it will be there and the sooner you face that the better!” she cried.
I let out a jagged breath “And that’s why you drugged me on that tea of yours?” I cried back.
Amber looked me straight in the eyes as she spoke calmly through thin lips “I gave you that tea so you’d realize that you have the best thing possible and you’re letting it slip away.”
I shook my head “It doesn’t matter what is the best thing! The point is you got involved in my own personal life when you had no right!” I cried back at her panting harshly, the edge of my eyes blurring a dark and deep red.
“I had every right to get involved! I was trying to help you!” she screeched losing her cool with frustration as she heaved sharply also.
“Well where the hell were you when I needed you all those other times?!” I screamed with so much force that she stumbled back, blinking wide eyed at me as if I was a wild best. And yet I was, I felt exactly how Will felt when he was in the mansion, I felt feral. “All those other times I needed you or someone you were never there even when I was crying from the inside to be saved, you weren’t there!” I cried at her tears springing to my eyes. “And now I just want to be left alone for a while, to figure myself out and you come barging in acting as if you’re doing the best thing for me. Amber you’re over a year fuckin’ late, I needed you years ago, I needed my brother years ago. And now that all the hard shits gone now you’re here acting like superheroes!” I cried, disgust coating my voice. “I hate you for that.” I whispered as I looked away from them.
“Tanze….” Adam trailed off a mere whisper as he held his hands out to me breaking the stiff and suffocating silence that was bringing my knees to the ground with weakness.
I looked up at them sharply, with a feral edge still as I narrowed my eyes again and shook my head. “Don’t Adam.” I warned him. “I just…..you should have let me figure that all out on my own, instead of basically bribing me to take the path you want me to take.” I said to them through thin lips.
Amber shook her head “Have you ever thought that this was how things were meant to happen? I mean, how else would you have figured this all out?” she cried her voice escalating, bringing heat back to the room.
I shot her a look “Amber you may be a witch and believe in all that destiny and fate bull shit-“ I began.
Amber narrowed her gaze at me, her eyes finally filled with anger and annoyance “Don’t you dare.” She said through thin tight lips.
I narrowed my own “Dare what? Mock your precious lord? Your precious little fairy tale like life, huh? With the rainbows and sunshine?” I threw back. “Oh, and don’t forget the unicorns, we can never forget the fuckin’ unicorns!” I cried back sarcastically.
“It isn’t all sunshine.” She spat back.
I raised a taunting brow of mine as I sent her a smug smirk “Yeah?” I asked crossing my arms.
“Yeah.” She breathed.
Suddenly a force as thick and harsh as a brick wall was thrown at me and pushed me to my feet as I fell to the ground on my back. I groaned my back throbbing in protest as I pulled myself back up to see Amber with her hands held out before her, her palms out and facing me. Amber’s eyes were narrowed and her eyes were surrounded with a stream line of yellow that circled them with an entrancing glow. Her dark hair blew around her face and her chest heaved with aggravation and concentration.
I let out a sharp breath as I took a step towards her “Bring it, bitch.” I threw back taking another step.
A ball of green shot towards me and encased me in a barely visible shiver of green around me like a globe that encased me in, the force of it had my head snap back to the side my cheek searing as if someone had literally slapped me. I turned back to face her reaching up to touch the thin line running along my cheek that stung, I felt the hot dampness of blood, my blood.
Amber looked at me, a look I never saw before as she smirked at me, her entire eyes of yellow. I knew then and there she wasn’t herself, and although I didn’t know much about witches I knew she wasn’t in control. “You were saying?” she snarled.
I watched as Adam tried coaxing her, soothing her as he tried to bring her true form back through words and touches of comfort. She however brushed him off and thrusted her hands out with a snarky glare.
A wave of orange force barreled me over bringing me stumbling back and my knees buckling as something invisible wrapped tightly around my form constricting me as I gasped clutching dangerously tight at my throat. I gasped choking as I clawed at my neck with shaking hands as I tried in some way to rip the blockage in my throat out. I could feel my skin curl under my nails and feel my warm blood trickle down the length of my neck as I choked the tightness squeezing tighter and tighter into my body. My stomach heaved more and more inwards and it felt like my inside and entire body was coiling inwards like I was turning myself inside and out. I clawed at my throat more dangerously with as much will power as I could, my hands failing.
“What the hell is this commotion?” a voice cried as they stepped into the kitchen. It was my father as he saw what was before him. There was me clawing at my encased and shriveling form with such desperation that it looked insane and twisted, as I choked back on lack of oxygen. Then there was Amber and Adam and instead of them saving and helping me, Adam was basically ripping her lips apart with such a passionate kiss that although I was dying I felt a twang of utter and complete jealousy and longing.
If only Will was here…. A small voice within me mused.
My vision began to blank and blur around the edges and suddenly I could feel myself slipping as words around me yelled out to me. I watched through struggling eyes Amber’s eyes drift back to their natural shade before her eyes grew seeing what was before her, what she had done. My father took a step towards me utter horror on his face and Amber held a hand out “Don’t!” she cried. “It will only throw you back! It’s a barrier, a shield; no one can get in apart from their mate.”
All next happened too fast before my eyes, my father was rushing towards the phone as it rang with such shrill consistency and he answered it letting go a relieved gush as he said “No! Get here quick dammit!” he yelled through the phone before cursing some profanities I’d never heard him use.
Adam and Amber got as close as possible. Amber sobbing badly as I crippled over onto the floor thrashing with silent screams, tears running down my face. “I'm so sorry,” she sobbed “I didn’t mean it…..it wasn’t me. Tanze it was….oh my god I'm so sorry.” She gushed her words losing meaning as my hearing began to fade in and out like bad reception.
My vision became spotted and black and I only had craving, however this time it wasn’t for sins but rather someone, someone and their warmth and protection they let off. I whimpered clawing at the floor and leaving scratches on the floor as my body withered and I choked back some more.
Amber hiccupped a sob of true guilt, not that I held a grudge towards her, especially after she whispered “Just hold on Tanze, he’ll be here any minute. I promise you, he’ll be here. Just hold on please…..”
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