Something gave you the nerve to touch my hand.
*****
"There's nothing to talk about, really."
She is taking a seat, her eyes never landing on my face as she says those words; like she's not even considering the possibility that I may actually have an objection about her statement.
Which I do, of course. And I let her know immediately.
"I beg to differ with you on that one, my dear... Lea." I say, letting out her name with a sigh of abashment. "I think there is a lot to talk about if you ask me."
Her blue eyes snap at me, as her bottom lip is trapped under her perfectly small, rounded teeth. She studies me carefully before breaking the contact, to take a quick look around.
I can tell that she's making sure that we are the only people around, and that she is making a big effort not to retort my words with another nasty comment like she did before. Not that I really minded, to be honest. I have no idea why, but I just didn't.
Maybe it was because I got to hear her saying my name and I enjoyed that greatly, even if it was pronounced with a bit of contempt.
"Well then, it's a good thing that I haven't. Asked you, I mean." Clearly, she doesn't pull it off, but I guess it could have been worse. And again, I don't care about it. She's talking to me and I guess I'll take what I can get for now.
"No, you haven't." I agree with her. "But if you had I would say that I want to explain that note to you."
I curl my lips into the biggest smile I can offer to her, hoping that it would do the trick to soften her mood and make her a bit more open to hear me out. I have been told that if I smile in a certain way, I hold the ancient power of getting my way.
A tiny flicker lights up her eyes, but she manages to fight back the grin that's making her mouth tremble. I give my cheeks a rest reckoning that she evidently has no weakness for my skills, or if she does, she knows how to counteract them.
And I like that even more.
"Listen... Harry."
There goes my name flying out of her mouth again, disarming me like a songbird. And I can't ignore the thrill it gives me, so I lean forward to do as she says, fighting the impulse of jumping across the desk to take a seat next to her.
"I'm listening." I whisper, pushing my hair behind my ears and rising my eyebrows at her.
She sighs heavily before speaking up again. She sounds annoyed and worried, and maybe a bit sad. I don't know her that well. I don't know her at all, in fact. But I will do my best to convince her that I want to and that she should let me.
"I already came clean to my boss about the fact that we've met before..."
"Came clean?" I innocently mock her choice of words. "You make it sound so dirty... I like it."
But I regret my cheekiness on the spot, and I show her the palm of my hands when I lift them up in an honest gesture of apology.
"She's alright with it, but that's as far as we can stretch it." She continues, ignoring my unsolicited remark. "And I don't want to have a problem with her. So there will be no talking about names being confused and misdelivered messages... As a matter of fact, we will just pretend that we only met today."
I don't want her to see how much her words truly upset me. I want to act as cool as I can, though it is surprising to me how hard it is.
I pretend to be considering her command, pressing my index finger against my mouth and narrowing my eyes in reflection.
"Mmm... no." I say after a few seconds of false consideration, shaking my head slowly, "That's not going to work for me, sorry."
She parts her lips slightly open, surely to say something like she doesn't care about what may or may not be convenient for me. But she already had her turn to talk. And now it's mine.
"Let me ask you this... Why would I want to pretend that something so great never happened to me? Plus, I really don't think that's possible. You see, I remember you... In perfect detail, to be honest." I pause to draw a decent breath, when I realize that I am talking a bit too fast from what I'm used to. "Besides, do you even know what the note said? I just wanted to talk to you... Nothing weird, I swear. I just wanted to know if you remembered who I was."
This time, she's the one rolling her eyes at me; and this adorable snort comes rushing through her nose while she writhes in her seat, visibly fighting the blush that's starting to rise in the skin of her face. Obviously, I have made her feel uncomfortable with what I just said, but far from feeling guilty about it, I decide to take it as a good sign.
If she gets flustered, she cares. If she cares, half the road has already been covered.
"I do remember you, alright? Is that what you needed to hear?" She says in a rush, but never raising the volume of her voice. Again, she's looking around the room and I am starting to get that's she is truly worried she might get into trouble. "But I really don't see how that's relevant. We met before, yes... And we had a nice conversation, of course. But that was it." Her eyes shift nervously from me to the door from where we walked out a few minutes ago.
Her words burn unexpectedly deep. And along with the sting, comes the realization that I may have been wrong about all of it.
All along, since that morning we met for the first time, I had the feeling –or maybe it was just wishful thinking– that I got stuck in her mind in the same way she did in mine. And I kept on holding to the fantasy that someday, if we should see each other again, we would make it right.
I never even entertained the thought of another possible scenario. One that would mean she didn't even thought about our encounter as anything other than a fun story to tell about having her head smashed over the roof of her car because of a stupid lad who snuck up on her.
"I'm sorry." I say, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice and ignore the sad feeling I am getting, "I guess you're right. It wasn't a big deal, really. And I would never do anything that would get you in trouble."
Her eyelids fall heavy over her eyes, covering them for a second, as she takes a deep breath.
"Thank you."
I turn around to walk away; slowly at first, whishing that she would just stop me and tell me that she didn't mean to be so rough. And that she lied when she downplayed our shared moment in the past.
But when I have already walked half the way to the elevators and the place is deadly silent, I pick up the pace and press the button on the wall. As I wait, I keep telling myself that there is no point in looking back, both literally and figuratively.
She's now behind me. And so should be my memories of her.
"Harry, wait!"
And I turn around, finding myself looking back only seconds after I promised not to do that anymore.
She's walking over to me, getting closer and closer to where I am with a hesitant pace. She's biting her bottom lip again, and I try to look away from it because I like that a bit too much for me to handle it.
"What?" I ask her softly, almost pleading her to stop doing this to me. She already said what she had to say. She spoke her mind quite eloquently, and I don't know what else she could possibly have to add.
"I'm sorry, too." She says, crossing her arms in front of her and holding tight to herself. "I didn't mean to be so... bitchy about it. Is just that I really can't afford to screw this job up. I need it."
She tries to keep her eyes on mine while she talks, but she can't seem to do that. Is like she just can't look me in the eye for longer than a few seconds at a time; and every time she looks up, she finds me holding her gaze relentlessly.
"I get that, Lea. I really do. Contrary to what it may looked like because of that note thing, I'm not a jerk." I speak up, perfectly mirroring her stance and giving her yet another apologetic smile. "If you want me to keep lying about not knowing who you are, that's fine... I'll do that. Whatever works for you, I'll pretend it works for me as well."
She shifts the weight of her body from one foot to the other, swaying slightly to the right when she does. Her head tilts to the side, trying to read the meaning behind my words. I think I meant them sincerely, keeping her needs into consideration, but I also know that there was a bit of resentment gliding around them.
"We don't have to do that." She finally says, surprising me when she unfolds her arms and one of her small hands lands on my forearm, pushing it down from their previous position. "I'm sorry for suggesting that, it was totally childish and I guess I was just freaking out about the whole thing. And about that note..."
"It's okay. That, I can pretend it never happened." I cut her off, covering her hand with mine and holding it a bit too tight.
"Alrigtht" She giggles nervously, looking down to where our hands are.
"Friends?" I ask her, winning back her attention. "And before you say no... Please, say yes."