Authors Note: Everything in italics is a flashback that Rayleen is having. The first flashback below is in 3rd person you will see why. When it says end of flashback it's back to Rayleens Point of view. Hope their isnt any confusion.
Flashback (3rd person)
She brushed her daughters soft mocha hair back, observing her swollen pink cheeks and deep mysterious eyes filled with pain.
"Why do bad things happen to good people?" Her daughter asked her. She smiled softly at her daughters curious question. "The greatest people are the strongest. You think strength comes easy?" Her daughter was far too young to understand, so she just frowned and crossed her arms. She brought her daughter close and stroked her face, "Eyes dark with fever and mind dim with fear; the weak minded fall to their own king. But you with eyes like a soft gentle serene sea, and skin soft as satin, you bare a heart scared and shuttered, awaiting a wave of protection and secure hope. One who will love you, for every curve and road along the temple you call your body." She spoke rhythmically to her confused daughter, who's head lay on her bosom. She kissed her daughters forehead and whispered her soft reminders. "My sweet daughter. You've been so strong and I know you're scared, but I promise you will be okay. You're beautiful. Beautiful. Exquisite. Divine. A gem to me. Precious and rare. You're a blessing the ground I walk on. You're everything. Everything." She kissed her daughters small hand and watched her fall asleep. There was no doubt in her mind that one day her daughter Rayleen would understand.
~*~*~*~
White, cream walls enclosed my battered body in security. Bright lights illuminated every inch of darkness, for they feared if I saw any form of darkness I would surely lose my mind. My mind was similar to the walls around me, suffocating my conscious.
I had already lost my mind.
Everything I had ever done. Everything that was ever done to me....replayed...over and over.
"Is she asleep?" I heard a voice whisper. "Yeah, I think so." Another voice mumbled. But I was far from asleep. I heard their movement, I heard them move across the carpet and soon felt their presence hover over me. Strange hands moved back the thin cotton of my panties, roaming between my innocence and I immediately began screaming. A hand closed over my mouth, barricading my screams so they couldn't be heard. The hands began moving, touching, squeezing. The man groaned and I begged for someone..something to save me. I looked up to see daddy, my heart leaped, he was here to save me! But he didn't, he watched and sipped his beer thoughtfully. And I continued to slip into the nothing I had become...
I was a fool to think he cared. All my dad told me to do was clean myself the next morning. I had tainted the family.
I was dirty.
Someone walked through the door which broke me out of my self pity. It was Dr. Jewel. "You have visitors Rayleen. Can you walk?" She asked softly. You think I would have felt offended by the simple question, but it was a question that needed to be asked. I stood to my feet shakily and moved my legs slowly to the door next to her. She grasped my hand and led me to the visiting room. It was Amy, Elliot...and his mom. I didn't feel shame....I felt nothing. I was nothing.
Dr. Jewel sat me in a chair and the three visitors looked at me intently. The gown I was wearing made my thighs itch and I moved uneasy in my seat. "Ray," Elliot began and then stopped. My face remained the same. "How's the office?" I asked quietly. "Fine." Amy whispered and tried to look into my eyes. "Well I'm not just going to sit here and act like I never met the girl before!" Linda exclaimed and moved closer to me causing me to flinch back. "I'm so sorry baby girl. I know this has been some shitty weeks for you." Linda said, and she reached to stroke my hair and I stiffened so she put her hand down. I appreciated her enthusiasm, but I had been here for 3 days. I didn't feel like talking yet. I nodded and put my head down.
More silence. "We're organizing your moms funeral." Elliot said softly.
I appreciated that. Due to the fact my mom was broke, especially since the divorce and we didn't have any distant relatives. "Thank you." I mumbled and looked at my feet. "The doctor said we could get you out tomorrow. She says that you haven't been that responsive but someone's going to have to stay with someone." Amy said. I didn't even know if I wanted to leave yet. This place blocked my feelings out. "She also said that because you're on-"
"Suicide watch, I know." I finished Amy's sentence and exhaled deeply.
More silence. "Well we just wanted to check on you and tell you we'll pick you up tomorrow. Don't worry about a thing with the funeral. We got it." Linda assured and kissed my forehead. She tapped Amy's shoulder to motion her out and left Eli and I...sitting there...together...alone. Eli broke the silence almost immediately, "I don't blame you for not telling me about Andre. I don't blame you for being scared." I blinked at him...waiting for him to continue. "We went to go find Andre, but he's gone. So is Ms. NewBitch." He gritted, looking down. "Do the police know?" I ask. He seemed shocked that I actually said more than two words...four was a start. "No. They have no clue about anything. They still think...you know." He whispered and I nodded and rubbed my arms. I was ready to go back in my room. "We'll pick you up at 11." He added, noticing my expression. "No. Come at 4." I demanded. "4? You cant stay here and sulk. Avoiding your feelings wont make it better." How could he read my emotions so easily. "Easy for you to say." I spat back, turning my face up. "We'll talk about this after the funeral. Until then, ease your mind. And don't worry. I'm going to find Andre." He said deeply. "Why are you even here anyways?" I hear myself ask suddenly. He flinches back, I guess surprised by my answer. "I would have been there the day you were admitted, but you would have pushed me away. My mom flew down here early when she heard and told me you would have ended up resenting me if I didn't." he muttered. "Well you talked to me, now go." I said, rubbing my eyes. I was done with this. "Why?" He asked, hurt. "It's clear you only came cause your mom told you too." I said, laughing in disbelief. "How could you say that? I want to help you, but you keep pushing me away. If I try too hard you'll resent me and if I don't try at all, you'll still resent me." He exclaimed. "It's clear either way we don't belong together." I replied, shaking my head. He pauses and rubs his jaw, "We belong together, you know why? I'm here. I'm with you." He says slowly. "You're not here. You may be physically, but you aren't mentally." I say, starting to stand to my feet. "Because you wont let me. Don't you know I'd see you through anything. You are everything that I need to keep myself sane. I'm just trying to return the favor." He says simply. "Well don't."
"I'm going to regardless of how you feel." He says dismissing my idea and my jaw clenches. "I don't see why you're wasting your time. You're-" He stops me. "Damnit Rayleen, I love you!" I stop. My heart stops. Everything stops. "What?" I breathe. "I've fallen deeply and madly in love with you." He says back shakily. He looks scared shitless. I shake my head and tears stream down my face. "Don't...don't do this now. Please." I beg and cover my face. "No, you need to know that I love you. A man loves you, a real man, not that douchebag Andre. I love and worship every inch of your body. Your soul...God Rayleen you drive me fucking nuts. I almost set the office on fire when they took you from me." He says brushing through his hair and swallows a lump into my throat. "Leave." I whisper, under my breathe. "What?" He asks and I shake and scream, "LEAVE!" I quickly stand to my feet and Dr. Jewel rushes towards me. I grab her hand and look at her, tears pooled in my eyes. She takes me back to my room...leaving a heartbroken Elliot standing there.
I probably didn't act properly, but his words were potentially dangerous to my mind. He didn't understand the feeling of being ugly...and repulsive...all the time. My mom...she felt like that, but only cause my dad made her...
"Damnit Janice, you cant do anything right!" My father screamed in my mothers face. I was on the steps, glancing at them in the kitchen. "I'm trying, I really am." She cried out and he rubbed his face. "No you're not. Look at you bitch! You cant fit any clothes anymore. Don't even think about coming to the pool party with the neighbors this weekend. I don't want to make them sick." He spat in her face. My heart clenched and my mother dropped to the ground, crying. "Stupid bitch." He muttered and his eye caught mine, "The fuck you looking at, piece of shit." He only called me that when he was drunk...I looked at the bottles on the table...that was his 5th drink.
"Rayleen honey, you have another visitor." Dr. Jewel announces, breaking me out of my mental trance. Great. Just what I fucking need. More visitors. I follow her back in the visiting room and sit down. I look up to see....my father. "You." I whisper nervously. He smiles at me cheekily, "Yep, it's your old man. I prayed that I'd have a normal daughter...a pretty one who wouldn't end up in a mental hospital." He groans and lights a cigarette. "Sir, there's no smoking in here." A security member says. "Bullshit." My father groans and dabs the fire down. "What are you doing here?" I ask emotionless. "Well your mother left all her money to you, but since you are clearly mentally ill. I've come to tell you, I'm taking it." He says simply. My heart shatters. "N-No. That's mine. Mom left it to me, not you, you're divorced." I protest. "Not legally. We just split. Technically she's still my wife." He explains. "No. I'm taking it." I say, my bottom lip quivering and tears streaming down my face. "Look at you girl. You lost your mind, your suicidal, your overweight. Come on kid, face it." My throat clenches, "It's your fault I'm in here." I suddenly breathe. He chuckles, "Yeah right."
"You let those men touch me. You watched. You hurt my mom." I say breathless. "You don't know what you're saying." He says, shaking his head. "And you know what I - I forgive you." I say nodding. "You're delusional."
"I forgive you." I say a bit louder. "You're fat." He spats back. "I forgive you."
"You're shit."
"I forgive you."
"You're a slut."
"I forgive you."
"You are nothing!" The battle continued and suddenly I was screaming it, "I FORGIVE YOU!" I wasn't just saying it, I felt it, with every bone in my body. I felt the chains in my mind breaking, I felt his web unraveling through my body. "I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you." I sob, looking into his dark eyes. My fathers. He looks scared. Like he's finally met his match. "You're just like your mother." He grits. "Damn right I am. I'm strong. Fearless." I say, smiling while tears falling down my face. "I'm a gotdamn queen. I'm beyond the bars that you locked me in." I grit and nod. I feel it. This was the feeling Elliot described. "And you're a sad man. Stuck in your own chains. I feel bad for you." I say and stand to my feet. "I'm taking my mothers things. You will get nothing." I say powerfully, I turned on my heels and walked myself back to my room. My body felt like it was on fire. I felt...like all the words I said......I felt Elliot's love for me. I felt it for him...now I just had to wait until tomorrow to tell him....the battle was far from over and I wasn't letting my loved ones fight for me...I was going on the front line.
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A/N
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